Category: Altered States

A cunning and powerful internal defense mechanism that waited to take over after the maiden inside gave up on being able to fight for good due to longterm efforts’ exhaustion.

It does not seem right that after advocating for and well-launching my family that my reward should be loneliness and injury.

(Title play on words)

To speak about the levels of abuse one has experienced – but it is real.

And what is attractive is a person’s fighting to overcome such circumstances to ensure their war is better won.

Gummies infused with chamomile and passion flower are my insomnia diversion.

That’s what outsiders would say, unaffected by situation, process, and resultant outcome.

“I had needed his loving, doting attention and snuggling affection, but he had ignored me for so long that I began reacting as if I were an emotionally-starving banshee.”

How do I break through to the me that’s burried underneath all of this, suffocating?

“The hardest lesson I have had to learn as an adult is the relentless need to keep going, no matter how broken I feel inside.”

A society that contributes to devaluing morality.

Sometimes, there can be too much.

There comes a time when
Only one thing can appease

A wounded soul that would freeze
Without ire’s heat to keep comfort.

Hey!
“I’m great!”

You – there!
I’m over here!

Pay attention to me!
Buy what I’m selling!

Applying to contests
And scholarships

Just like working
Freelance focused

Are things I cannot afford
When scraping for stability.

If one is and has been,
How does one reset?

How can starvation be
Fed to appeasement?

How is one to believe
Nourishment can last

If history limited to
Temporary repast?

A friend helped me yesterday to move items that had been blocking my progress because I could not manage them on my own without causing reinjury.

I hate having to wait for this slow-as-molasses healing.

Those challenge items kept me stuck in disarray for months while I tried to function around them!

So when my friend took her leave and tried to impress upon me that I “had done enough for the day,” I thanked her, closed the door, and dove into the side projects that our progress had exposed.

Of course, today I am suffering in neck pain and discoordination for the overexertion beyond neural and muscular tolerances.

But, I couldn’t let things spiral apart again by leaving various messes.

I needed to capitalize on the sudden clarity and ride its course of momentum.

Motherhood is often about putting aside one’s own needs for the sake of others.

“I could not do what I know I need to do, get nowhere, and ‘save’ imaginary money.

Or, I could push boundaries, invest efforts, and overcome ‘insurmountable’ difficulties.”

“Having checked out two places, and feeling socially mortified – not from the staff, which were friendly, but from the feel that I just don’t belong there.”

“They say you can’t have some of one without some of the other, but let me tell you where it’s been lacking for me….”

When a person is pushed too far away from their internal balance point, it is best to be cautious with judgement against their reactions.

We all have a spark within us, waiting to be set alight like dry kindling and nurtured into a flame.

Like arguing over crumbs, that others can be jealous of one’s slowly developing talent and seek to disrupt, suppress, or injure it.

As a mother and care provider, one knows they must someday let loved ones go – either to fly away as matter, or as spirit.

Four beings have left our pack, and I keep sinking back into survival mode.

The music, audio, and scripts are left undeveloped.

The guitars, bass, and keyboard gather dust on their stands.

Software is paused before loading, as I sort pebbles in the shifting sand.

As if my spirit is running, when I can’t run.

On and off, repeat.

As the family disbands
I grow colder

Pulling inward
To warm my own heart.

I don’t like how it feels: our Ranger having to take the last stand watch minus once company.

She is fragile and must be supervised when out of her room, and all I can do is make it more cozy.

It is good to stay diversified.

Sometimes, it is better to just stay in bed for a while.

“I’m so tired, until I close my eyes?”

I think that I am done for now in attempting to take college classes.

There’s a type of madness
In having to make the call

After pushing it back
Until could no longer.

Our Queen has passed.

(We love you so much, magic Z.)

“I held our family together…”