As she took a drink of water in the gray and spilled some down her shirt.
Time for bed, again, as circulation quivered.
Could fasting and giving blood for labs days ago still be the cause of this imbalance?
Category: Altered States
Lockdown
No, No, No!
She had worked to get this far today – and now needed to make progress!
Was it her brain?
Her muscles?
Her heart?
What was going on?!
Shaking
She could feel how weak her structural stability was.
Did this mean that systems were coming back online?
Was it yet safe to start adding other exercises to rebuild the muscles?
Was there enough reactivated core matrices for them to build upon?
Winter’s Ease
Wet socks in the cold garden.
Delayed Reactiom
“These accidents have taken away my ability to do anything!”
(In her mind throwing objects at walls, doors, and windows while screamimg hellfire at them to break them down.)
Adrenal Flood
“I can’t live the way my life is, anymore.”
Groggy
“The first deep sleep I’ve had in what seems like forever, but at the end of it, I had to ramp up to fight against a menace.”
Progress
“Even if I can only do one or two things per day to advance my regaining stability, this is still valuable.”
Setbacks
“I haven’t been able to do most of my shoulder and hip restabilizing exercises since the concussion because when I try, doing them increases since then strained cephalic pressure.”
(Clocks – Daydream Affiliate)
Algorithms
“I had to block further receiving of those relationship messages because some were getting dramatically and negatively manipulative.
(Need Somebody – Jerro)
Lack Of Impetus
There were things that she needed to do, but all of them were draining.
Gravity’s Well
She thought that she was getting up…but then, she wasn’t.
Captain’s Creed
She had to stay with the ship to protect the others, for it was never an option to abandon them.
Unsteady Stance
Her sea legs had gone missing.
Misalignment
Much like the prow of her ship from past collisions, her hip and shoulder were twisted from recent effort to swab the deck.
Absence Of Faith
She had to believe that just as the world kept turning, so too could circumstances shift – and undercurrents could still carry them to dry land.
She Felt Like A Failure
All she could do was try to manage the losses, which was a repeating theme that she could barely rally any more courage for.
Reflections In Crisis
She wished that he could be there for her and help her overcome these trials, but she had no flares – nor even faith that he would have seen them and come for her.
She had not allowed herself to rely on help from a man in these ways because it had been her experience that men these days would usually abdicate leadership responsibilities.
Even more though, however, she longed to feel his arms around her to be able to warm her bones with his heat and share comfort.
What Goood The Stars
When no longer any wind to steer the helm by?
Upwelling
Keeping panic at bay so that she could keep assessing for alternative currents to follow was becoming more difficult to navigate.
—
(Ocean terms…)
Floating Particles
She was pretty certain that she couldn’t even swim, anymore.
Going Down With The Ship
She had always had abilities to salvage it before, and had hoped that she could at least reach solid ground before it capsized.
Depleted Resources
It seemed that she had no other recourse, and it churned her stomach into knots.
Drastic Measures
She had begun to think of how to get the others launched on a “life boat,” for they would be able to go farther without her.
(Starless Variables – Monosignal)
(The Fool On The Hill – Tom Scott)
Umm…
“Listening to the Beatles’ original, ‘The Fool On The Hill,’ the song on the radio station suddenly goes dead air – and then this version with Smooth Jazz Sax comes on…
I don’t think that the song was supposed to be so sexxy.!”
(Stronger [What Doesn’t Kill You] – Kelly Clarkson)
Muppets: Bohemian Rhapsody
Brain Crash With Fighting Off Impending Meltdown
Because she could not “see” where the needed undergarment had gone to.
Illusive Clarity
In trying to redefine needs
It’s hard to recognize ego
Suspension Anxiety
She couldn’t tell if it was from circumstances, or physical injury.
The Job
Keep stitching torn sails, work to repair rigging, and pray for reinforcements.
“On My Own” (Singin’ The Blues)
By Athena Stairs, December 25, 2025
I’ve looked for my marbles
Not sure where they’ve gone
While drowsy from sleep
Thought I’d write this cute song
There are ghosts in the hall
But I keep them from talkin’
At times flick a light
To interrupt their stalkin’
When takin’ a shower
I’m careful with balance
No bars on the wall
Means slippin’s a menace
And when try to cook
I’m chasin’ ingredients
If you like your food charred
My skills are ingenius
My garden is wet
So rarely smell flowers
The hound can still fetch
But I throw with weak power
My homework has died
From a smack to my thinkin’
The synapses fire
But gaps signal blinkin’
Want to make my own music
But readin’s gone faulty
My eyes seekin’ guidance
Fight overload mentality
My logic’s alright
But I’ve fallen in love
Still lonely at night
When could fit like a glove
But I’ll be alright
It’s been years on my own
Try to live a moral life
So no need to atone
I fight back determined
Where demons encroach
Still seems human plight that
Our souls are bare-boned
—-
(Contact me for permissions)
Barriers To Understanding
She wasn’t going to fight with a ghost.
What Offends Me
“Being messed with and given empty promises.”
Walls Closing In
Her inner horse began bucking and kicking in all directions around her as perceptions of impending failures and too long unfed starvation for love’s reality began collapsing in on her emotional psychology.
“One day at a time!
One day at a time!
For F’s sake – ONE DAY AT A TIME!!!“
Resolute
The concussion scenario being a dead end recipe for complete disempowerment, she just kept trying to do whatever she could try to do, despite it – peppered with moments of stopping for breaks to try to rest.
(Show Me The Way – Styx)
Talk About
“A War Of Attrition…”
(Sleep Token reference)
Braaaaiiiiinnn
“One could think that being told one must rest for recovery would be liberating.
But it isn’t – no, not one bit – not one bit at all when one’s boat is sinking.”
Wrecked
People driving stupid despite black ice season, then honking as if they have rights to push other people to speed up and join them.
Pulling over to reset because don’t want to take that b.s. energy home.
Angel Numbers
“No matter what, they all say stay positive.
They can go F- off, too.”
“Round About” (Song)
By Athena Stairs, January 8, 2026 Early AM
Trippin’
I’m flippin’
‘Round and ’round
Clock cycles bound
Time never found
Just wheels spinnin’
While grinin’
Never winnin’
Except to keep clingin’
To bare minimums
—
(Contact me for permissions)
“Safe” Love
Distant
Shallow
Idealistic
Conscripted Designs
“A song sings about ‘Maybe I’m still here ’cause I got work to do.’
And already feeling extremely alienated and dissociated, I just yelled back at the radio – ‘Well F**k You! I don’t want to be just a vessel!’
Now I’m feeling extreme deja vu.”
Click!
Turns off fan and leaves blessed heat, regretfully.
I Think, Therefore
“I shall stay in this sauna ‘forever!'”
Candid Corvid Productions 