“I think that eating raw gelatin is the cause of my physical system locking down today.”
—
(While listening to the previous song on repeat and crying…ADHD? Nah…)
Category: Altered States
“Relevance”
Switchbacks
Time for switching tracks again
About to hit more dead ends
Where am I going?
The world spins
Trying to find
Cognizance
Closed Room System
Pounding on walls
Closing in
Constricting
Sense of freedom
Limiting belief
In reparations
Finding my way
Becomes limited
From miscalculated
Neurofeedback session
Attempting to help
Brain’s injury
Forcing tied mind
Into corners
Happenstance
Constricts play
A Moment’s Pause
“I must rest amid transitions to allow my pieces to catch up, rest, and reorient.
Translation: I am ever late to any destination.”
Prospects
“I’ve seen enough of society to know that as far as material wealth and performance expectations, my positioning as viable for marriage on those levels is no longer market competitive.
When I rush, my hands falter and parts of my physical connections try to tear apart going different directions.
I did not deserve to have simplicities of my youth stripped from me.
Yet, I am not the first to fall.”
Sudden Craving
“Why do I want a fresh-baked, plain yet crispy-edged, hint-of-buttery warm donut?”
Fried Fricassee
With all of the efforts it took to answer an agency call, get ready, deal with animals, leave the house, drive, get a gas card, check on rent progress, and then finally make it to the class building, she was late, her hair was fried, and her confidence was blown – so she escaped into a practice room.
Imprint
She had learned those desperate frustration emissions from a too young, also abandoned mother, when the little girl was under six years of age.
Pure Lunacy
“I do not know why I keep thinking that there’s a chance that I can get my food and get out the door without any animal complications!”
—
(This mornimg’s present, two piles of dog sh**)
Glasses
“I don’t understand how mine get fog-layered, as if steamy.”
Matrices
Privacy
“I had wondered why I had stopped doing my hips’ physical therapy routine at the gym because I need those extra dial-ins, and I am too distracted and compressed at home to do them there.
So last week, I pulled them out again, and then found that guy suddenly in the row right behind me from out of nowhere again.
I caught him looking in a definitely not ok way as I turned to finish my routine.
The look was not one of appreciation, but like he was ‘getting off’ on me lewdly while storing info for later self indulging.
Right.
I had suppressed that memory because it was so, in fact, disturbing.
So I immediately left the area, showing my vote directly with my feet.
But later after making sure to keep always well away from him, and when I was relaxing with eyes closed into unwinding on a machine, he was suddenly right there on the machine next to me – but this time, with his eyes downcast and offering.
There was no mistaking what he was doing.
He had decided to press the point from a different angle with me.
So I got denser in my mass, moved firmly grooved in my own zone, and pushed out ‘don’t mess with me’ vibes as I again immediately left the scene.
His behavior wasn’t something that one can prove easily – which is a disgusting predation scheme that men of baseline morality often like to cultivate, and unfortunately his society cultivates as acceptable for male behavior if done on the ‘down low’ surreptitiously.
And while I could be in a way flattered by his stripping down his ego to submit to me after so rudely leering, the idea of accepting made me want to throw up quite literally.
I am not some abstract geisha queen.”
Pack Mentality
“The hound and wolf are no longer synced to me, having absorbed into pack mentality.
The other dogs, either being very young or untrained in their communication niceties have more pushy and frequently jarring and obnoxious barking tendencies, so when mine hear me, they whine and demand rudely.
There’s no real hope of my currently curbing mine back to civilized politeness, and so they only respond, if at all, if I yell and demand right back at them – or at the very least, I must be firm in my tone with a ‘don’t mess with me’ edge to it.
I’m not loving the ptsd reaction this keeps reactivating, nor the ever present stress charge blooming on edge of last ditch efforts in self salvaging sparking over into anger.
And I must veer away from thoughts and any desire to walk my two for rebonding and needed extra exercise.
My limbs are just too prone now to tearing if pulled by force into different directions.
But still, if I could find those boot shoes that disappeared, I’d be tempted to try to go carefully with my walking sticks and their harnessing, anyway.
Yet then, they’d build up an even greater demanding in their expectations – and that is not something that I can further manage, especially when I cannot guarantee them nor myself capability of consistency.
So it would be one more pressure that they see in their minds as valid to pile onto me.”
(Zombie – YUNGBLUD)
Desperate Measures
Layering in phasing
To stave off longing
Attempting to
Stop bleeding
From love’s arrow
Punctured through
Hm
“As my body attempts to return to its prior shape, it becomes clear that the lower portion of my ribs was blasted, flanged open…”
Broken Pieces
“It is very hard for me to conceptualize that I could be wanted as a viable partner – despite all of the struggling that I am having to overcome due to these lingering car accident injuries.”
Everywhere
She’d gone to the park for a phone appt and nap – only to find other families and their dogs barking noise going straight through her.
Why Am I Like This?
Moving pieces are never ending
Part of household transportating
Ear plugs, papers, pens, and pencils
Avoid listing all of the minor essentials
Hazardous roller case splaying unzippered
Complex cycle orders revealing exposures
Chasing use patterns one moment to next
Out of my mind trying to keep up with time
(The Zoo – The Scorpions)
The Elephant They Keep Ignoring
If MRI’s show damage to spine and joints
It’s pretty safe to assume that there’s likely
Other muscle/tissue damage around them
—
(Title reference to phrase “the elephant in the room” = huge issue specialists keep ignoring)
Weird Space Battles
“A too-fragrant skunk passed by my home, emitting too much nervine spew which bombarded my bedroom window, forcing entry and causing me to have crazy one on one combat dreams with aliens of strange, poisonous powers.”
Cupping
“When performing on self, it can cause temporary abrading – simply from difficulty in maneuvering.
Autopilot
Having arrived at destination after a long drive while on the phone hands free, settling into reality as if just now waking up, the thought emerges of “I don’t even know how I got here…”
Ginked Neck
“Poor love…I never seem to find for you the right resting position.”
At Least,
“Past Martial Arts, rock climbing, and general balance-pivoting skills help me manage this ambulatory insanity!”
(Falling Through – Special Chill Label
Hard Won
“I cannot help but be nervous as I keep working on my body from central core to tips of limbs to keep reclaiming territory.
It was terrifying to have lost coordination and responsiveness / strength through to digits!”
It’s So Weird
“To see how my feet have changed since the accident.
I am becoming a different creature – altogether…”
Hypermobility
Not just around joint attachments, but the actual support muscles around them yielding too much and too easily to where hips’ and shoulders’ insides flex through planes they normally wouldn’t.
Time to begin adding some counter-balancing exercises.
Abdominal Support
In body tension
Spine recovers
By resting upon
Glomming sack
Releasing swelling
As strength returns
More protection
For injured back
Comedic Outlet
She fantasized about him carrying her to bed – both romantically, and of necessity.
—
(Hip twisting extreme sudden pain, again.)
Officially
It’s the first foggy breath exhalation of the cold season this evening.
(I Lose Myself – Vibfy)
Between Extremes
Too hot
Too cold
Burrowing
Well, We Should
“We take for granted the miracle of natural structural integrity.”
—
(Title of multiple neanings)
(This Is The Picture [Excellent Birds] – Peter Gabriel)
Back To Work
“Well, all of this has certainly sucked – and I am pretty much back to fending for myself again, despite injuries.
Yeah, I need to file for disability – because there is no way that I can attain previous numbers, again.
And yeah, the physicality of the therapies tears me apart, but that is why I’ve entered into modality retraining.
But I have to get through another year before I have things shifted onto a new track, and any help from society is waning.
At least, my neck having surgery is not a viable option, because at this point, it wouldn’t help anything.
My hips, however – they won’t consider surgery due to my age.
So I am just sh** out of luck – literally, no matter which way I turn.
At least I can try to regenerate some cash flow, again.
And let’s not even discuss my shoulders or spine…”
Yeah…
“It is kind of brutally funny, this living amid personal tragedy.”
Suspended Animation
Although she seemed to have little control over the direction that her ship was hurtling, she could play with the gravity adjustments and attempt to reduce her discomfort.”
EEE-YA-AH!
“Aparrently, lifting weight makes my hip joints lose their sh**!”
(“The PAIN!!!” – original Dune quote)
Focusing Upon The Quantum Gap
Big Toe
“It has taken several months, but it is healing!”
Not Much Rest
“For the weary, in my house.”
(Silent Wave – Vibfy, Best Tracks of August, Lost Underground)
When Walls Crumble
“She couldn’t care anymore about others’ opinions.
She needed the man inside his body.”
(Lost Elevation – Vibfy)
Full Body Muscle Spasms
“I could help my body recover, if I were the therapist on the outside, rather than stuck within it.”
Identifying The Issue
“I have some brain injury that interferes with visual data perception – ie: icons, pathway navigation relationships, once I engage my eyes to use the computer.
It also interferes with brain to vocal throat and jaw verbal transitions from thought to speech.
I mask this last bit well, but can feel the lag and glitches in stream of thought disruption and delays in muscle activation when I externally communicate.”
Candid Corvid Productions 