They had not been so corrupted when she had known them, thus she had not been naive to believe in their good aspects.
It was just extremely shocking to realise later how much the matriarch’s and her support in love had kept them on track.
And when the matriarch had passed, they all chose to absolve any adherence, and instead embraced anarchy’s tyranny and cast about blame for their grief and losses.
In her mind, the arrow tip’s shard at last began working its way to the surface, extruding from imbedment in her heart.
She could not yet feel any relief, for so long had her tissues been frozen in shock and fear’s caution to carefully contain its position and keep it from tearing her apart.
She then buried it at their once matriarch’s grave, the place where she had tearfully and wretchedly prayed for guidance when all had turned insane and then, soon after, the truth behind lies had revealed itself to her.
The matriarch could cleanse the shard, seal it, and neutralize that negative energy, blessing the woman by their once mutual alliance to carry on with her own story, no longer bound to that family’s tragedies.
She dreamed that she finally told her ex-husband honestly, regretfully, and decidedly that she could no longer be with him, wait for him, or hold space for him in her heart.
And as she woke, she found herself speaking the words aloud to him as the dream with his presence faded, thus dissolving the hidden threads that had still bound her to him.
—
(Just now emerging)
They had not believed in good, therefore had not supported good – and then, promoted destruction due to misplaced skew in their agendas.
She had cared for them all, deeply.
Song repost from July 2022
When men were worth trusting and believing in.
He and his wife were excluded because they had not contributed to the needs of his own children.
Their betrayal, in her eyes, was simply the deciding factor.
—
(Title of multiple meanings)
“It is not men’s right to distort the words of God(s) to gain their own advantages by crimes against the world and humanity.”
“There is currently an extreme lack of honor that is harming too many victims by callous indiscretions.”
Being wrongfully kicked by those who claim authority without grace and wisdom.
Because she found out how badly they had attempted to ruin her good reputation.
Don’t sling dirt at someone who has suffered wrongfully by the slinger’s hands.
The matriarch’s decisions later were a result from their own actions – but they discounted their own accountability and blamed the granddaughter-in-law because she did not let them get away with mal-intended deeds.
“I do not regret standing up for and protecting the woman who always did the same for us through any weather.”
She remembered when their matriarch was in the hospital, and her son’s wife tried to grab her purse to seize power of attorney.
“No…she put me in charge of her purse,” said the granddaughter-in-law (which had been true because she expected they’d take advantage in her moment of weakness), seizing the sachel back and calling for protective backup.
It was an act that later set the rest of the family against her
She could feel that the tension had broken, and that her messages of good will and faith had likely been received.
Truth To Face
I still love you
I still want you
—
(Reference to Sting’s “A Thousand Years” lyrics)
Jagged glass
Broken pottery
Cobblestones
Slick-wearied
Dirt-streaked
Tears’ honesty
On a cloaked
Face hiding
Eyes that still
See everything
Her Nightmares
Bearing down, digging into the earth’s energy to maintain sanity’s direction.
Her injuries’ distortion could not stop triggering panic.
Freezing was the only way that she could stop from overreacting.
Her muscles were locking down, rendering her incapable of getting productive, because the environment had become hostile and resentful toward her.
She understood what was happening and why and that it wasn’t her fault, but still, she had to brace against the weight of being seen as the target.
“‘Cause anything’s better than the way I feel.”
(Sleep Token reference)
It was like she kept re-living different versions if the same nightmares.
She remembered looking back, how her ex-husband had contacted her parents, expecting to cast off his responsibility to her onto them once her capabilities had been used to exhaustion and she had been worn down into a frenzy.
She tried her best to not equate the situations.
She was also realizing that at this point, she too was afraid of being looked at and seen for her injuries.
“Vulnerable…
Thus, clearly unapproachable.
Because I have my guard up.”
What she really wanted was Love.
If she allowed herself to trace back to its origins, the rage would ignite and inflame, attempting to possess her as a self defense mechanism.
Because ever since The Fall , it seemed that she had never been able to fully succeed and thrive, again.
How in the Hell does one, then, recover?
Crying and rocking herself quietly to avoid alarming the others, she scanned her mind’s maps carefully around the building migraine, trying to fashion the next step in her survival strategy so that they would not lose their housing.
‘I need you to help me – NOW!”
She wanted to scream it – to tear apart the silence with it – but hated that she needed.
So she didn’t.
She wouldn’t even speak it.
She didn’t feel that she had the right to.
She couldn’t even whisper it to anyone or anything as tears slowly traced her frustration.
Hope still flickered
But was unrewarded
She had made herself available, but now she’d just…
Some people do not deserve it
Yet others deserve it and more
She had not been sure that he would have considered her, in the first place.
She had never considered herself to be capable of such behavior, although she had invested in high levels of commitment so far unmatched and unrivaled in past tanked relationships and seemed to be capable of even greater expansion when inspired.
It seemed that she had still not found something that she could depend upon.
And then, she rises, anyway.
“The sun is already going down before I’ve seen it, and I no longer feel capacity to muster space for my own isolation’s joy.”
“They just make tissues swell, the head pound hatder – and there’s still no releass from desperation!”
Why did the difficulty level just always have to increase?
She had done her time, paid dues for other people – and all she had wanted for herself in return was something of her own that she could keep.
But no…
She was being shown over and over that the gods were never satisfied.
She would have taken them in…
And she would have admonished the others, keeping their hostilities from causing harm.
Candid Corvid Productions 