Category: Stream of Thought

We got to rest up, had a good show, friends visited and hugged, and we acquired more minerals!

I have been having a snip of “bad attitude.”

I feel a sense of disillusionment which seems too all-pervading.

Maybe it is just from the physical setbacks of the accident.

But it is also something that’s accumulated in my over fifty years of living.

I am bored.

Restless.

Not much is inspiring me in the common day interactions with other people and community.

I make the most of tiny opportunities.

But it’s like I have done all of this before.

I try to be comforted by the reemergence of familiar social patterns now welcoming me in this new land.

There is water, lush greenery, and an almost willfully-ignorant innocence abounding.

Not everything has yet been corrupted and tainted – which seems opposite to California’s demographics

There is hope here to create something endurant.

But I am disoriented and the space around me feels “empty” – as if who or what I need to add to and/or accompany me is not actually here.

I guess I still feel as if something essential is missing.

Like a lifemate or greater purpose to be pursuing.

Maybe I somehow carry the seeds of its fruition inside of me.

Meanwhile, absence of its embodiment has me in a fowl mood.

I’ve begun growl-chuffing.

https://myodfw.com/wildlife-viewing/species/snakes

When I was younger, I would “just roll with it.”

I’d pick up the slack “for the good of others,” even though “robbed” of the supports I was promised.

But I just don’t have that kind of patience nor energy to spare for such sacrifices anymore.

For my having to put more effort toward something than I should while recovering – only to have other people not pull their weight and, in fact, add more stress and pressure to it – is not something that I want to invest in further.

They tell me to take it easy – and believe me, I am careful to stay within my limitations’ parameters.

But because I test and push the thresholds, there are levels they’d be surprised to know where I’m progressing.

It turns out that the hybrid rental vehicle also has a sun roof. I had not remembered to use it!

There were dozens of wild, young kittens that I had to gather and save. All of them purring and happy, and a momma cat or two to accompany.

One can choose to explode in frustration and be productive – or explode and not be productive!

Undervalued.

So far, it’s been for holding – and then regaining – ground. Advancements are transitive and relative.

I have supported in relationships through harsh challenges.

But as soon as I needed in return, I was spurned.

I am looking for symbiotic – not parasitic.

Movie Sinbad And The Eye Of The Tiger

When we moved to “the mountain,” we found ourselves feeling stranded, cut off from our usual activities, and stark-isolated.

Soon after, the rest of the world seemed to join us due to enforcements through the Pandemic.

I had worried that society would outpace us – but instead it slowed, which allowed us to catch up to bridge again with it.

I gotta have my Sash Sass.

I am not sure exactly what it is that you truly need.

But I know you value real friends more than sycophants.

According to Rūmī’s philosophy, life should be a journey to union with the one true God, which is achieved by practicing love—by disregarding oneself as an independent being and turning toward the truth of God’s oneness.

https://www.britannica.com/question/What-is-Rumis-philosophy#:~:text=According%20to%20R%C5%ABm%C4%AB’s%20philosophy%2C%20life,the%20truth%20of%20God’s%20oneness.

—–

If this is so, then what is the point of “free will?”

Is this life then just a game where the only winning answer is “submission?”

Then why promise “self determination?”

Life blows have a way of knocking a person down – and then down, again.

I know that the trick to survival is overcoming “the damage” and getting up again.

But I am struggling with “what this all means” to my courses of action.

And my confidence bubble is flacid!

I had another dream where I asked again, and this time, I was permitted to begin demonstrating.

Of course, like in any sleeping dream, other factors vied and distracted for attention.

I was unable to impart complete understanding.

“The meaning of angel number 1133 is full of positive energy, good omens, and lashings of luck. This sequence can show up when your guardian angels want to let you know that exciting opportunities are heading your way. Seeing this number is a divine sign that a promising future sits ahead.”

https://www.ryanhart.org/number-1133-meaning/#:~:text=Angel%20number%201133%20is%20a%20message%20from%20God%20that%20He,Your%20decisions%20are%20His%20decisions.

—-

(“Lashings” of good luck? Sounds about like what I have been experiencing!)

—–

“Holy innoculation” vs. “demonic” parasitism…

Either way, religious “lessons” entreat that humans cannot defend ourselves from “evil manipulations” or “invasion” unless we ask “Holy Spirit” to “come into us.”

I prefer more of an external partnership “join-up,” rather than inhabitance.

” Free Will” and “all that!”

I need to champion my own purpose.

fas·ci·cle

/ˈfasək(ə)l/

noun

plural noun: fascicles

1. 1.a separately published installment of a book or other printed work.
2. 2.ANATOMY•BIOLOGYa bundle of structures, such as nerve or muscle fibers or conducting vessels in plants.

Oxford dictionary

(They are speaking my creative language!)

It is interesting that the first two weeks, though I have known of injuries, have been more about the body procdssing shock and sorting it out.

Now, apparently, come the next phases of difficulty in resultant restrictions and pain when attempting locomotion.

I knew I was hurt worse than the emergency room staff had inspected in their haste to tend to others who had “obvious” emergencies that they could easily see and quantify.

When I walked and gravity pulled downward through my spine, there was laxity where once tensile elasticity had quardened off stacked groups of my vertebrae to carry their own proportional “weight” by absorbing and transferring movement pressure individually.

Mostly, I realized there was now too much sliding and grind-pinching in my lumbar-thoracic region – whereas the sudden light-headedness and nausea were not just from shock and swelling’s inflammation, but from my primal brain recognizing nerves were in danger!

Acknowleging the precariousness of my situation and lack of delving further interests from “those who should know” right after leaving the ER, I dug out my old black back brace and, as in the past, strapped it around my hips.

This pulled my core’s base in tighter to provide a more stable platform for my spine to perch upon in its wobblyness, as well as separated issues so that when I lifted legs forward and pushed through to back, this did not keep pulling the anterior right side of my spine into further injury..

For the impact had knocked out my back’s ability to reactivate its stabilizers, and the warning signals blaring through my nervous system had told me that disks were at risk from vertebrae suddenly sliding beyond normal range of motion.

By the time I arrived to my orthopedic sports specialist appointment two weeks later, the doctor was surprised to find that my alignment was not as bad as was usually expected.

From the day after the accident, with the aid of my brace, I had begun to gently and precisely focus upon reactivating those central core connections and had worked to bridge across disconnected synapses to begin restoring essential intracellular communication.

Still, he cautioned me that it takes at least 8-12 weeks for tendons and ligaments to begin restrengthening and retightening.

Need heroes, too.

How different this would all be if we just dialed back the time machine.

I would have few rights as a woman, and cruelty would still be dominating.

https://www.trulyveniceapartments.com/blog/arts-and-music-related-news/the-regata-storica

Dreaming (Turkish)

Translate.com

Being noone has its advantages.

(Title play with words)

Buying back the vehicle and repairing it vs. investing in more debt…

In this moment, what counts as stability?

What defines my continued freedom, physically and spiritually?

Having it turns purpose into completed projects.

Making Fun

I Want To BE.

I had asked for help regarding my work, car, and life in general.

I had felt stuck in a rut that I could not get out of despite my best efforts – despite continuing to try when I had so little left to give.

The impact knocked me out of all of that and is rearranging everything.

For better hopefully.

I keep striving.

I work in the eye of the storm to ensure whirling elements settle where they best connect to provide ease of flow in the system.

Under pressure.

People utilize the resources they have – and when they run out, they must innovate.

As components mulitiply rapidly in their branchinh complexity, I discovered while in process of making a smoothy that I had poured the frozen blueberries into the yogurt – rather than the blender container!

Being out of work and having to attend to every little detail and piece of info regarding working to resolve this accident situation has become a full-time job while scrabbling to regain stability.

In myself, I had not considered the pain from underlying injured muscles.

That was quite a detour: raising my kids and trying to be there for a friend with a disability.

It’s my time “to grow up” and expand into a new reality.

The nagging, throbbing pain in my outer right thigh is from my stamping down hard onto the break pedal to keep my blue dragon from being hurdle-slammed into the car in front of me!

Apparently, there are classes on foal training.

(Title play with words)

Today I must say goodbye to my beloved steed.

I do not want to, but have to.

For safety.

It is hard to leave my companion – my friend – that has sheltered and provided for my independence and family.

My lovely, vibrant beast must be retired – yet, what green pasture awaits thee?

My blue dragon’s mushy suspension from its age-worn years is what saved me.

I was planning to visit my parents soon, but the smoke in the air had an oppressive energy.

I felt it was unsafe to go outside for errands, but was driven to by the charge of inescapable anxiety.

Soon after, chaotic energy collided with me.

Pleasing to the eye and
Soothing to one’s spirit.

Too aware, and yet
Not aware enough.

I am not homeless, and I am still semi-functional.