Being a parent and healer puts me in a constant position of careful recalibration where it is never fully a relax-and-let-go situation.
Thinking that I could find a partner to “let down my hair with” can seem like pure fantasy when I have not met guys of equal or greater capability.
I had two breakthroughs on my script yesterday, yet I am supposed to hold them close and not share them publicly in order to build their value.
But what glory can they receive as being mere moments captured onto paper, left sitting on a dusting shelf while waiting for their counterparts?
I can reach behind my back on both sides again!
Today we take out the drums again and potentially join a new creative society.
I prefer to avoid being labeled and quantified by a moment’s passing imagery.
Self ownership must be my highest priority.
I have always exhibited and promoted good morality and service to others.
But now, I must claim my entirety.
Zoom in to the center to see.
Language is ever growing and changing according to human needs and understanding.
I have often balked against anyone determined to instruct me differently, being as history supports my theory.
I have always been a part of my body, but not always inside of my body.
It has been a default of survival’s necessity to dissociate in order to preserve capability of strategizing.
The phrase “rock bottom” comes to mind when rebuilding from what we have come through.
They say to open your heart to it, and it shall arrive, ever flowing.
But even though I claim after reach for this, it is taking time to shake off lack’s anxiety.
They say that if I let go of the past, I can then have the present and be free to expand into the future.
But realistically, I can not fully let go of the past until the present leads me into the future.
For once I am experiencing new beneficial stimulation, only then will I be more able to let go of what until then has defined me.
When we were without a home for the second time, the crushing grind of circumstantial resistance as I would show up each day to push against it weighed heavily upon me.
I kept battling back thoughts of self doubt and considerations of my being unworthy while attempting to sail well through existential crisis.
Did I have a right to assert my claim for a home? Was it foolish or important to keep holding on to this ideal of a throne?
My subjects kept on a hillside awaited through heat and then rain. Now as I water our garden, we praise life together again.
I am likely more needed
As well-spoken support.
Since we moved into our new home, whenever a specific small yappy dog of our neighbors pack goes into their backyard and hears anything from us, she has continued barking aggressively with her high-pitched shrillness, causing my stress levelss to hike to new proportions.
But, we have never yelled at her or told her to be quiet (though lord knows that I have muttered curses under my breath because in this type of situation, I am no saint!), thinking that perhaps over time she would accept us as non-threatening and chill out.
Yeah, right.
Nope.
Never has happened.
Until…
Until this evening when I was planting the irises right up to the fence and she came snarling at me as usual, posturing up to the fence.
I broke my silence at last by pouring all tbis delighted love and joy into my voice, saying something like, ” Well Hi there! Aren’t you the sweetest darling thing! How are you doing?!” In a “come here and let me love and hug all over you” type of voice.
Two more barks to test my reaction, more excited welcoming love-voicing – and she ran away shutting her mouth, wanting none of it!
This evening, I planted 52 purple bearded irises transplanted from an acquaintence’s efforts to thin out overcrowding at her apartment complex.
I have desired to have this specific type as they are gloriously gorgeous when they bloom and smell enchanting.
All that time on the mountain, I kept chiding myself to not be upset, prodding myself to keep lifting my chin.
But, we didn’t belong there – anymore than a fish being put onto dry land can learn to swim.
We belong here.
It is a place where we can begin.
I have a whole inner world that I am living as it processes experiences.
Looking back, it is wild to see how much I waited on my partner to come investigating.
Meanwhile, the rest of the world had no clue about my expansive points of view.
I realize now that for so long I have been responsible for ensuring others’ well being.
It is a part of my nature that enjoys nurturing, so philosophically, I have no problem with this.
In fact, I am proud of my track record’s history.
However, this is the first time when I can schedule staying in bed sometimes until late morning and take moments with the dogs to bask outdoors in the sun for a few minutes.
It feels good to get a good bone bake, and I realize that for too long, this has been lacking.
I now get to be more self indulgent.
“Ah, that’s the stuff of dreams…”
I was speaking in complex conversation weavings with my youngling today and when I reached for it, I was able to ask for and divine through the parting layered clouds of my mind Neil deGrasse’s name!
I was so excited!!!
A song by Stephen Stills that is so powerfully beautiful in its manifestation of the sense of love, yet its overall message promotes infidelity.
Honestly, it hurts.
I can perceive so much and yet feel the vast emptiness.
There is no answering call.
No conversations to fill and grow my mind.
I am starved.
Not desperate – although the hunger could drive me to be.
Just craving.
Needing.
Wanting.
That right kind of interaction that satisfies.
Yearning.
It is amazing how much negative messaging we have been fed to persuade our feeling bad about wanting to have and experience real connection.
I am withdrawing from the dating sites because A) I do not like getting locked into paying for a service that does not guarantee results nor quality, and B) I am not a person who is part of the mainstream’s common reality.
The few men that I have desired and loved have been less than fulfilling relationships for me.
I valued the quality of their individuality, did not select for flexibility, and was denied nourishment.
Online dating is not my group of peeps.
“… a genus of American perennial herbs (family Nyctaginaceae) having a tubular-campanulate brightly colored calyx subtended by an involucre that resembles a …”
Open and honest communication, passion for embracing life complexities, and affectionate bonding are things I am into. Monogamy is my default setting: looking for like-minded unicorn. I play lap drums, art out a bit, photograph cloud creatures, and write poetic musings. Healer class.
I have not agreed with the belief that bad things need to happen to people in order for them to learn.
I have always been open to learning, and bad things happening have not enhanced my life in any way, shape, or form.
Therefore, the only conclusion I can make about my path having been full of bad things is that I must have been taking a short cut through the brambles to get here.
My intuition must have had a very good reason.
“She’s a Dime,” means “She’s ‘A Perfect Ten.'”
A compliment given to me once several lifetimes ago.
But unfortunately, another saying goes, “A dime a dozen.”
Survival fatigue.
I wanted my ex-husband to be happy.
I gave everything I could to help him overcome his/our difficulties, but he wasn’t.
Then in a dream last night, he called me on the phone to come over and meet his new, younger girlfriend (dream, not reality).
His elation and captivation with her emanated through the airways with such purity that his feelings were infectious.
I could feel my spirit expanding with love at the fact that my dearest wish was coming true – my once-beloved was at last experiencing supreme, unfettered joy and was sharing it with me.
But wait.
Record scratch.
It was technically at my expense.
He was discarding me.
Trading me.
In self defense, I began yelling.
I was then pulled into that situation and made to experience their perfect bond sensorily, so I began fighting back, emotionally.
And the corruption of that perfect moment for them caused her to go away and destroyed what they had briefly gained.
And now we were all left with nothing.
For he still did not want me.
And I was still hurt and angry.
Well then, “F*** It.”
Let them be happy.
My hair’s true color begins to come through again as with every shampoo the dye washes free by degrees.
I only use temporary because my many phases need freedom of their turns as a part of my reemerging.
“The number 1144 meaning combines stability, prosperity, love, freedom and the ability to trust yourself.”
I get a day off at a woman’s retreat!
It is nice being in a community where I am appreciated.
Can be seen as foolish.
Taking time to apply a seat cover, and half of it falls into the toilet bowl.
(Deadpan – near literally, lol!)
She wanted to love
And to be loved.
(Title play with words)
He impressed her with his kind
Strength, intelligence, generosity.
Today I heard a man around my age speaking to his older female relative or friend as I passed by their waiting floor on the stairs.
His speech and accent, the kind and caring patience in his voice meant to soothe and reassure her, was elegant.
So I went back and asked him what lamguage he was speaking, and complimented him.
I have always been specific.
It is no big thing, actually.
Except where it counts.
I loved him.
He was an outlier like me.
I learned so much from him.
I am not sure if he learned what I was teaching.
Family dynamics never seemed safe, especially with those members that desired to claim authority.
Because I could suddenly be vivacious, engaging, and charming in business by phone, his family became certain that I was having an affair.
Sometimes the spectre of our imagination can be our friend.
To free my mind so that
I may respond naturally,
And to playfully engage.
I have been told to not rely upon a man because he cannot guarantee his actions.
Then why am I designed to fulfill the role of carrying my half, if it has no match?
I thought it was related to exhaustion – this boggy down feeling that has taken over me.
However, I think it is the fact that our lives are returning to a sense of normalcy that I have not experienced since around 2005.
Now that I can look around a bit, I feel the loss of close companionship and extended family more keenly.
Feeling better again.
