Category: Stream of Thought

Having overcome too many struggles, I must rest and reconsider concepts of manifestation.

Returning home after five years puts into awareness that in a way I was forced by circumstances to live as if I was in exile.

Looking through glass shuttle windows,
Sensing for how one would fit in locally.

And so I asked again…

I did not want to spend this time, struggling more – yet more quiet and withdrawn, filling out paperwork, coordinating and organizing through inflammation’s back, shoulder, and nack aches.

From the inside’s drawing depths, the distance now farther to reach surface of the external, I see the light glimmering in ripples.

What matters are the simple things behind the grand gestures: what we underrated – and so buried in overcompensation, trying to be “good enough,” worthy enough to be seen and heard.

Yet, we are enough, just by our inherent qualities and by the simple fact we are existing in this material plane at the same time, together.

Life is much more amazing than we have dared to acknowledge that it can be.

Take the time to let it be.

Find your way.

Breathe.

And Believe.

Getting smacked around by life is not easy.

(Rear-ended at a stoplight)

For two weeks I have been excited, waiting to speak with a local school advisor because I had seen online that they had a Masters in Film program.

Turns out, it was misinformation.

I find out about my next possibilities.

Stepping out into the unrelenting wave of heat to the sound of mechanics loudly whirring with high-intensity, incessant thrumming from the across-the-way car wash reminds me of arriving those two evenings at the airport in Cairo.

My time spent there was behind the scenes, where I witnessed another world’s struggle that tourists have little comprehension about.

The communites there are very similar to ours way down deep in their core beliefs. They value love, honor, and valour.

As summer’s been climbing in the temperatures, I’ve been finding my body remembers those travels.

https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Shmoo

When we say “it doesn’t matter,” it is important to clarify what aspects about a particular issue we are referring to. Otherwise, something important and relevant to one’s identity might be lost in the wash.

I called in to a radio show to give the awesome female DJ a shout-out.

Then, when she came back onto the air, she returned the favor!

Spreading joy and expressing gratitude to fellow artistic contributors that I meet.

I had purchased from the local thrift store a smaller-sized crock pot for use in the hotel during the several months we had stayed there last year.

Because its volume was less than what we normally need, I donated it back to that thrift store when we finally found a home.

Now, our oven has burned out and there is an unknown waiting time period while the landlord decides to fix or replace it and plans are enacted.

Meanwhile, we need to eat.

I think I found that same crockpot today – and am repurchasing it!

A fun boon is having not just one – but two pairs of “cheap” sunglasses.

When one falls onto the street and gets scratched, I’ll have a backup!

I must focus on developing my own.

It is nice to return to the occasional sense of it!

It isn’t enough to just think of finishing my Bachelors degree.

In order to do so, I need something even greater beckoning.

To gather enough encouragement by noting others like me out there, yet to not view nor read their works while I continue deep-diving into my own well’s spring of knowledge.

Once I saw Jane Seymour in Sinbad And The Eye Of The Tiger, I gave up on the media-driven impulse that I should ever compete and just focused on presenting my authentic attributes.

“l’m out of the game.

Bench me…

Bench me…

Benched!”

(John Cusack as Jake)

Trying to stop drinking my favorite drink – which is the only thing that has helped my brain be happy – is not easy while the walls crumble around me and my body is shakily detoxing.

If I need yet cannot depend upon others, then I must distance from them and keep myself apart.

My youngest is flapping their wings for more independence.

I get alarmed because it feels like they are tearing apart our fragile foundation.

But, if the work we have done so far needs to be reconfigured to add more flex in the system, the benefits will be better for both of us.

It is a confusing, restless, and proud time when a fledgling is ready to start learning how to fly on their own.

The cats have been driving me crazy by their timing to escape into and out of doors and tripping my feet – even after I have given them what they have asked for.

And the dogs, picking up on the cats demanding themes now constantly lick their lips with repeatedly darting tongues to remind me – bombarding me with incessant requests for more treats!

Checking out script writing, finishing Bachelors, and going on to a Masters.

I am now in a position to tap into doing what I do best.

Just a little bit of sliding suction cupping on my leg fascia combined with Rocking Compression where bound began loosening fibers to where expansion stretching is responding again along prior surface adhesions.

Further application treatments should allow me to ultimately restore slide and glide responsiveness of my muscles against bones and each other, as well.

I have found another tool to add to my therapy!

My brain needed the mental clarity boost, but ultimately my heart and adrenals said “no.”

“Ma’am, do you know why you have been pulled over?” the officer asked politely.

“No, I do not,” I replied honestly.

“It’s because you rolled through that stop sign back there,” he informed me.

“Oh! That wasn’t a rolling stop – I never roll through a stop sign,” I replied cheerfully.

“I stopped precisely, then resumed going again by catching my vehicle’s continuing momentum!” and I outlined my precise perspective with added hand gesturing.

He began laughing at my truthful cajolery, and in the end, kindly let me go with a warning.

In return, I promised that I would stop even longer because “those university students like to jump out into the street without any warning!”

Now that we let the cats free-roam most of the house, the dogs are jealous and concerned about their positions – and all of the furry, four-legged critters have been testing me.

Maybe it was me all along who was caught in a waking coma.

Apparently the pain in my too-tight lower legs has stored the grief of losing my beloved before we had ever truly begun.

Right before the accident, I was on my way to tell my beloved that I had figured out the problem.

But I arrived too late – or just in time to try to save him.

There was no room to speak of our truth in the face of his free will being so violently disrupted.

So I instead focused on building a life around him so that when he returned to himself, he would have something to call his own.

Yet, somewhere in the struggles, worry, and best attempts, I still lost my best friend.

A concept of which has possibilities.

“855 symbolizes perfect timing for new beginnings. As well as good luck in relationships, spiritual enlightenment, and finding one’s life purpose and success in the near future. Furthermore, 855 has a biblical meaning that encourages us to take control of our destiny by taking initiative with every decision we make.”

https://sarahscoop.com/855-angel-number-meaning-and-symbolism-for-seeing-it/#:~:text=855%20symbolizes%20perfect%20timing%20for,with%20every%20decision%20we%20make.

Things have been going so well at last to where I have recently been feeling twitchy that some bad thing is about to happen.

(It is a product of longterm stress and distress, and I now know the subject to discuss in tomorrow’s counseling session.)

So when I got an unexpected call from my office mate when I thought that all things between us were secure and coveted, dread and panic began flooding my system.

But when I looked at her text as the phone was ringing for me to answer, she was calling to offer me an appointment for massage because one of her clients had canceled!

I like having some version of red dye in my hair because it calls forth my inner fire to where I have easy access to my natural exuberance; the color brings forth the details of my face better; and the hues compliment the healthy, rosey glow of my skin tones.

I need converters for ability to transfer photos from my phone to laptop, and to watch my exercise videos from laptop on the large living room monitor.

A day to defrag.

No one knew that I was wearing my two “new” acquisitions of clothing (which were the highlights of a dwindling monocrome supply from poverty): a pair of fashionable black shorts and a summer blouse covered in delicate blue flowers over a black background.

Observing another small fly’s movements were severely slowing down, I released it from my window screen to die free.

“I need sod…for my sod garden!”

I have several plastic square bins from the dollar store filled with old containers of prescription medication.

Clearly, I need to sort and properly dispose of them, but such a task is tedious.

And I wonder, how messed up would I have been had I taken them when doctors were blindly troubleshooting my then symptoms?

The little tyke, smaller than the usual irritator, moved by short bursts upon the inside of the window screen, seeking a way to return to its natural course of living.

So while it was stuck between partially slid-open glass and mesh, I carefully removed the screen and released it before it could become frightened and fly back into my bathroom.

When we first met, it felt briefly like kismet – until he said out loud how happy he was that I was a brunette.

Feeling elated, myself, at our chance meeting, I playfully informed him that, in fact, I was a natural blond with blue eyes from California.

Upon hearing this, the door to our proceeding was abruptly barred shut to me because he was afraid of his family teasing him about my origins.

I have seen myself stripped time and again down to just the bare bones of my humanity and have felt so raw, so vulnerable, that I can not fathom how realistically a worthwhile man would be able to step up – let alone would want to better shelter me.

When I am “under assault” again, I think to myself, “I must never let someone be able to get this close to me again,” as my confidence is shattered and hope for a better future is destroyed.