Category: Stream of Thought

Since I seem to be stuck in the middle, I may as well write about my experiences.

Having just changed outfits to impersonate the woman’s trusted contact, I as a man could not quite get the dream jump right to relaunch the hovercraft to elevate through the air up to her.

So, I clambered out of the gear, peeled off the oversuit, and instead walked into the building – unsure what my next move would be.

And I walked right past her as she called out quietly to me. Apparently, I looked enough like her guy without the uniform, and I had not expected her to be down by the stairs, waiting in the lobby.

I kept going and turned toward a well-lit room down the hall, ignoring her. I could feel her desperation receed as I put distance between us and waited for the reforming of my game plan.

I smelled warmed Thai food coming from the small gathering’s buffet within what I could now see was a theatre, and thought to myself, “Why not?” as the doors were left wide open as if in invitation. “I’ll just mingle.”

Once I took a seat for the then revealed rally to begin, I realized as my form shifted back to female that my arriving at performances for one reason is frequently turning into another.

“No, you see – you make it too easy! Why didn’t you take that negotiations class from the link that was sent to you?” the man said, for whom such skills now came easily.

“I did not take it because I do not want to become manipulative,” she replied.

“But, the world is becoming more complicated. How are you to manage your position to any higher advantage if you do not get even more savvy?”

Exasperation. She couold tell that he was struggling to not show his deep disappointment. “I expected – I needed better from you by now!”

“Oh…I was never told by any direct means what you wanted or hoped for…

I can no longer participate in the pastime of second guessing,” she mused, “and my whole purpose in life – that which motivates me – is to love.

Anything I would venture into from here means nothing to me without love. I can no longer keep striving for grand adventures hollow-hearted.

I need more than this in my life. My heart must be replenished by love received, for so much that I give to others.

So, if my heart is not matched and love is not reciprocated, I just have to stick to gardening.”

(Title play with words)

Silence…

And space.

I don’t want someone else to fret over.

It must be understood what I have gone through – the choices and options that were given to me.

Keeping myself free from entanglements is the only way that I can see to change the pattern.

Although this really isn’t a change.

It’s just back to the beginning.

An ideal is just a concept if it can not be obtained.

(“Carrot vs. the stick” play with wotds, multiple meanings)

There has to be a way to reset the system – to just purge, cleanse, and grow a new inner dimension.

Exactly when does this happen?

I would like to say that the experience was real, but now I am not so certain.

Constellations passing overhead, breeze rustling heavy through trees, and a new moon smiling down upon me. My cup runs full with happiness for our acquiring simple home necessities.

Who came up with the idea that we should not be honest about our feelings, and that this would ensure that we have productive relationships?

How did this become our societal indoctrination, and is it the cause of so many failed connections?

Usually when people would speak truth, it is about something political or contentious.

Why, then, do I tremble to share my own truth?

Why does the body’s form at first look worse when it is responding to muscle toning?

Two new, individual men have made their presence in person known to me, and I am finding that I am just no longer interested in getting entangled!

As I repot seedlings into next stage containers, having paused my quest and laboring to get more larger pots and soil, I know that it won’t be long before I repeat the process.

But, there is satisfaction in watching my comfort in the garden unfolding while chiding the pup to not eat plastic pots; to stay out of the plants; and to focus on the bone she’s got.

Nights when I have the house to myself, I can not grieve because it means that we have made it this far, and my youngling gets to be social while flexing their wings.

I have decided that my strength is connecting individually with prospective clients, rather than mass marketing.

Word-of-mouth recommendations of my services are the best way to build business, although may happen more slowly.

The quest to find one’s self can last a lifetime, but does not mean that we must do this alone.

I have observed and assisted others on their journey, but did not expect to have a personal necessity. It is much to adjust to, and at times a bit disheartening.

I go out and do things, but must be selective to conserve limited energy while recovering.

It is common to have an inner life that most people do not see, but to hide on’s very essence can trap one in relationships, inadvertently.

If not the same as life,
What worth in reality?

Higher ideals, perhaps…
Otherwise unobtainable?

My rotator cuff had stopped responding.

Now we are on our way to reactivating!

I look back upon all of my good efforts where not recipricated and cannot grieve for what was wasted.

Our yards is home to varieties of jumping spiders – and today I even had one in my car!

I shared laughing cajolery today with a friend as we sleuthed as to why I have been pining for my Starbuck’s drink and homemade smoothies don’t make me feel so clear with energy: I didn’t know that my Pink Drinks (TM) were loaded with caffeine from green coffee berry!

When I cleaned out the car the other day, I realized while sorting that I had comparable amounts of Starbuck’s recycling to trash, which made me realize that I have been living as if we were still uprooted.

“I deserve neither such praise, nor such censure.”

A&E’s Pride And Prejudice

Having the grace to accept my current limitations, even if they are discouraging.

Fish
Cat lumbar
Sense of purpose

(Lol)

Where the heart gets stuck
Without sense of purpose.

Why am I so tired? My system just wants to sleep.

I push up into gravity’s weight as I pull my body out of bed to its much protesting.

Millions of followers vs. a grouping’s few: some rate such as currency, status, and influential power – but I am just curious about and thankful for you.

The plants throughout the house had been crowded onto my bedroom desk next to where I slept last night to keep the loosed cats from tearing into them.

Their varietal moisture emittance must have breathed subtle atmospheric scent into my subconscious, providing a dream portal to transport me through time back to a place of once comfort in nature’s environment.

Taking the dogs out onto the green, I came upon a disassembled controller for a drone left in the longer side grass and placed its components on the short-nipped turf for some grandfather to find and return it to the youth’s piloting.

Zigging too and fro, one dog plunged its nose into the edge of the water leading to the pond. I thought with delight “Let’s go see it!” since we were there anyway and we had somehow arrived from one plane of existence to there just by sitting awhile in my car as it was idling.

A woman came out onto the grass behind us as we headed foward to explore the banks further, and I realized that at last the next generations’ mingling had taken over, blending once divided lines of status and prejudice into acceptance with dignity.

Humans cannot stop the waves of time’s change, and though it was confusing to feel the shifted social atmosphere where my grandparents used to live, it gave me hope for the world’s future.

Recording numbers has been like a twitch: a necessary continuity that must be encoded by scripting into my phone’s notepad in order to wedge apart premises and keep them from colliding.

I had needed something to cling to that could represent aspirations, but now I have come to accept the basics that I do and do not want.

And I am recognizing that I only look for and listen to those messages which speak to me positively.

I do not know who it really was that I spoke briefly with, but “He” was right.

Discovering things that I like and pursuing them leads to more and more moments of experiencing pure euphoria on my own.

I have deduced that they are from chlorine, caprylic acid, and boric acid overexposure.

If I stopped relying on food and drinks outside of the home, this would likely assist with slimming.

I discovered that my food insecurity began in childhood and it’s time that I let go of the road.

Reframing the feeling/concept to be like a wall or door reached when we come to the end of what is known,

A place to dump presets
And redefine preferences.

I had come here to share aspects of myself that the average person would not see because I have lived a life hidden from view – and the only thing that I gained was anonymity.

But now, I am not so sure about anything.

What do I want to give? Everything.

What can I give right now? Minimal

I prefer to obtain used blenders because A: they are inexpensive; and B: they are shaped and powered to capacity preference.

The newer ones are too expensive – not formed for utility, but for pretension.

However, it is a balancing trick to get enough blending vs. how much dying motor smell fills the kitchen.

Take your lashes, then claim the badge of truth burned clean by fires of your own work’s retribution – yet, do not pass forward harm.

Instead, learn to properly defend your inner dimensions and prize your soul’s love. Share its blessing with the world despite what’s been taken.

It isn’t numbers of people that are the problem, but the disassociation being propagated which causes harm.

It is up to the rest of us to not fall into slumber’s charm, and to awaken and salvage whom we can take with us.

Though we are forced into corners with no way out it seems, we must choose the difficult paths where we recreate new beginnings.

I was told to be silent – to not infringe
Upon the checking out of others’ sins,

For they’d paid good money, honey,
To not give a damn about reality:

How dare I say what’s bothering
And argue in favor of solutions!

“Weed is cheaper than therapy.”

A local street advertisement.

Youth’s resilience resides
Within our cellular matrix.