Category: Stream of Thought

Go home and garden.

Many times, I have had to move, and with each resettling there must be restructuring.

Putting time, focus, and energy into home and garden represents these reparations.

After three years of hardship’s trying, we took a wild gamble to build and cross over our own rainbow bridge to a new paradise.

When we arrived on the mountain, we had hoped for a new life we could expand into – not a sentence of conscription’s isolation.

Why should I beg for some scraps of love from another when I can create happiness of my own?

After having glimpsed the truth and seen so many turn blindly out of fear away from it, it becomes increasingly difficult for me to believe that some day I could share it with someone.

My match just may not exist on this planet.

Perhaps, to need and desire the same that I would give in return is too much to expect.

And if I cannot have it, I will no longer accept less, anymore.

“Never tell me the odds!”

Gathering them to me, tending, and being with them makes me happy and restores faith in me.

It hasn’t been fair as the mother or as my children, but we are trying our best to work through the continuuing growth stages.

I could no longer stay there in that home town.

It had become filled with haunted memories.

There are too many to count and they would just distort the screen, so it’s best to just have good boundaries.

“He should have belonged to me,” she said, frustrated that things had gone awry.

“I know,” her friend reassured her, “but despite this, you have come so far.”

Just now as I had stepped out to enjoy the stars in the sky, there was a long, line of aircraft heading East, following one another seemingly perfectly.

By the time I saw them, they were too far away to capture photographically, and I wondered what they were moving at such a steady and quick pace so high up in the atmosphere.

I have never seen anything like it.

I have been greeting people I just meet and sharing my cards with them, but I have not been calling directly to folliw up on past leads due to my injury shifting to worse and scaring me.

Like a bird, I have been gathering bits of this and that to make our home functional, filled with life, and delightful.

It requires not working.

It also requires not spending.

Otherwise, fragile balance wobbles.

The heat of the sun and questing for plants to bring into our home and garden fills me with a tranquility which having some money helps to create, yet cannot buy.

I no longer need to ask certain questions.

I found today in reflection that when I repeated myself in public, I did so out of concern that I would not be believed and thus felt the need to prove my validity.

This was after test driving a car for sale that I very much liked, but discovered that it had an issue with its transmission.

I am used to those in positions of authority not listening to any truth that they do not wish to believe, yet, I must allow myself to believe in my own evaluations.

Females will often repeat what they are saying, yet when they do, they are structuring pictures in the mind upon which includes one thing, and then associated others.

Men can often become confused and frustrated as they find themselves lulled or pulled into the matrix of discussion, wondering how they “got trapped” there.

Creative matrix of imagery and emotional intuition vs. logical linearism sterilized from considering other aspects dualism.

“I don’t want it,” she said firmly.

“I was plagued by those dark energies all through my childhood – and I don’t care what they mean, what they want, or why I experienced it!

I choose to stand in The Light now, and I will help Humanity.”

I am of Love.

And then, I was reminded about Judaisn.

It seems I must also explore aspects of Catholicism.

On my own terms, I am quite capable.

In the gym, the woman’s shrilly-agitated voice cut through my attempt at serenity while attempting to corral my pain.

“Can one of you finish – or move on so I can do my routine? You are both just sitting on the machines, doing nothing but texting!”

Her near hysteria attempted to bowl us over like unleashed waves, trying to sweep us aside by her misperceived sense of injustice.

I just turned my bleary eyes slowly and upper body to look at her directly, and then turned away again without answering.

Then, I turned my attention back to my youngest’s texts to me and slowly began exercising to let her know my intentions.

Her irate agitation skyrocketed, and I could feel the young man break from his position and pretty much flee the scene.

I felt sorry for him, but had decided that it would not be me today who was yielding.

She did not know what I was managing, and did not deserve my attention for treating us both so discourteously.

Something about today’s timing impressed upon me to go meet another auto shop’s and set out on discovering how we can obtain a better car for our family. Pieces began spontaneously assembling

The gent who asked me for bus fair days ago turned up again today a few cars down from me, plying the same approach on someone new, and slurring more heavily.

I think he recognized me in my car and passed on by hurredly, intent on finding his next “mark.”

I was intentionally not confronting nor looking.

It isn’t my job to be his judge and/or jury – though he won’t get another cent from me.

Those three I took an evening picture of must actually have been planets.

It is no longer an option to just throw my weight at resistance. My shoulder has reached a critical level and PT suspects a cervical disk issue.

I had backed off from my work outs, hoping to find new solutions.

However, doing so has weakened stabilizing muscles.

Backtracking is an algorithmic technique whose goal is to use brute force to find all solutions to a problem. It entails gradually compiling a set of all possible solutions. Because a problem will have constraints, solutions that do not meet them will be removed.

https://www.simplilearn.com/tutorials/data-structure-tutorial/backtracking-algorithm#:~:text=Backtracking%20is%20an%20algorithmic%20technique,meet%20them%20will%20be%20removed.

She had to let go of her respect for him in order to put their past life together into correct perspective.

“He won’t even talk with me,” she confessed in confused vexation.

“How am I to know what this all means? It takes more than one person for such conversing.”

“Your path is clear in God’s eyes, and if you focus more keenly on finding the inner balance with your faith, good things will happen.”

https://www.thecoolist.com/mystic/angel-numbers/1222-meaning/#:~:text=The%20biblical%20meaning%20of%201222,faith%2C%20good%20things%20will%20happen.

What does it mean to find balance with one’s faith when faith in darkness becomes fleeting?

“The source of light comes from within,” but when the ember is smothering, where to begin?

If you tell me to pray to God, why would this matter if “He allowed life to be in tatters?”

If God is Love and all powerful, how can God be bound by his own laws and rendered fallible?

Why would He be dependent upon our faith to come to aid us in our times of need?

These are old questions of ancient debate – yet, answers are needed for the faithful to heed.

We are told that whatever we are given, for this we should be happy.

So thank you tingling nerve pain, insecurity, and  confusion of deep frustration.

It is hard to believe that when things get worse, they can get better.

Mon cheri

Mi amore

Habibi

How many have said it

And meant it?

I need the use of my body.

It is enough that I have helped others with their disabilities.

Who would help me if I cannot help myself?

I need my independent capacities

For the injuries gathered over time now still being revealed, it is a blessing we could leave the mountain and come to a place to heal.

I try to see the truth in people that they want to have revealed, and then reflect this image so they feel seen and then can heal.

“633 is a lucky and rousing one. It mirrors a character of extraordinary boldness, good nature, and a great deal of affection for the world. Individuals with this number are courageous, legitimate, brave and a piece eager, and fretful.”

https://os.me/short-stories/633-angel-number-meaning-symbolism/#:~:text=Angel%20Number%20633%20is%20a,a%20piece%20eager%2C%20and%20fretful.

What may be important to me may not matter as much to others, but it is part of what defines me.

I have edge-of-seat imbedment marks in the back of my short-topped bare legs now.

Then, I sat down right onto the hot porch slats, “adding insult to injury.”

But the warm sun on my shoulders felt good after the cold, damp winter.

What would it feel like to be loved and nourished – actually encouraged – and lifted higher than I could reach by my own valiant wings?

For three years, we were on “the mountain” – for three years…

Being able to buy the simple things we need.

“Soon?”

Soon?

Temporaly, “soon” can mean – whatever time wants it to mean!

I am not a sequential being, although I do adopt patterns linearly as I have need.

Why do they call it ” the benefit of doubt?”

There is no giving of benefit from doubt in such situations.

It is investing despite doubt – choosing to support and promote belief in someone’s better future.

As I slowly drove through the small mall parking lot between errands, a youngish man came running up to me, begging me politely to stop and help him.

His teeth looked worn, he waa a bit bedraggled and he slurred so may have been inebriated. However, he spoke well enough to ask me clearly if I could help him get enough money to take the bus back home after his ride couldn’t return him.

I asked him how much money he had, which was a bit of change, and to count it for me while I sorted through my own leaned-out car ashtray to help him reach one dollar. Then I counted out fifty cents and handed this to him, asking him to check-count it as well.

When he confirmed the amounts (which could have irritated anyone immediately to irration), I noticed he was just being hopeful and grateful to receive. Then I handed him the remaining thriteen dollars in my wallet, which in all totalled the amount of the ticket he needed.

He was surprised, thanked me, then headed out of the lot immediately, looking back toward me after I parked in front of the gym because as we both left by different routes, we had crossed paths again.

If his story had been true, I had given him all that he needed so that he no longer had to ask anyone for anything. In such a situation, I had helped restore his independent dignity.

(This happened right after I had given my card to the other man. Maybe this lad had seen me speaking jovially and supportively.)