Category: Stream of Thought

While others ascribe to glory, I aspire for belonging in my own heart and mind.

One cannot always count on others for acceptance and approval.

I leak at the seams.

Of course, I feel impatient: I want to feel and be my best self NOW.

I do not over eat, but I’m afraid to be hungry.

That’s stability insecurity for ya!

It rankles my ire that more and more I feel as if I am “the last of the unicorns.”

Then again, maybe I am a reincarnation of one of the first, heralding the rebirth of generations.

(Remember in the movie, The Last Of The Unicorns, where in the end the one remaining releases all of the rest who had been trapped in the waves of the sea by the king’s frightening fire bull? Yeah…that’s me!)

There is a cultural rumor deeply imbedding currently that we do not have the right to turn to a sole, intimate partner for help with intimacy healing – which could bond us together by love’s trust and prospective mutuality even stronger.

We are instead being told that this is a burden and inappropiate. In fact, especially if we are strong, dynamic women seeking companionship and commitment, that men do not want this – so we should “farm it out” through one-night stand chance encounters.

I’m not completely awake, yet – but I’m trying.

“1111 meaning is a reminder that we are all one; all interconnected.”

http://www.yummymummykitchen.com/2021/10/1111-meaning.html

It helps to know we will always by friends – even if we never see nor speak with each other, again.

(Waking from a dream where many people were singing to me as one, inclusively, across space and time: “We’ll al-ways be friends…we’ll al-ways be friends…you know in the end, we’ll al-ways be friends…”)

Drawing, music, singing, and acting – all has been put on hold again as I focus on building my business.

I AM creativity in motion.

I am Free To Be.

I love conveying multiple levels of meaning, which by natural flow’s energy creates theme and draws in the reader to experience what I am feeling and envisioning.

For example, in the last post called “Empathy,” in the end, the title’s meaning can expand to also include the reader by the content’s calling forth the reader’s feeling of empathy for their self, others, and in the end, even for me.

I do not always write with this intention – I title to define content’s focus. But when I review upon reviewing, there is something tantalizingly satisfying to observe how the magic of words and their potential playful and powerful effects in synergetic meaning have come through me.

I can feel people’s emotional energy. Not always perfectly, but I respond instinctively.

Born a natural “reader” (a good trait in a leader), I am wired more sensitively and over times have had to work hard to self define confidence in my ability.

The skill is highly useful when being in a healing role where clients are in need and receptive. It enhances my skills to find and help relieve sources of tension patterns.

However, if I am exposed to toxic people and interactions, I need to disengage immediately so these energies do not affect or infect me.

And, because I care so deeply and am accomodating and nurturing, in intimate relationship I have to work hard at not chameleon-masking.

I am unsure how it can be safe to be myself authentically in partnership, and how it happens that I am given the love and acceptance I need.

I want you to know that for my entire life, I was not accepted in employment. And if so, only briefly. I was always different from the people in “normal” roles and they could sense it – no matter what I did or how I tried to blend.

So I went into business for myself – in this or that which I could do and enjoyed and felt I could grow competence in. I knew my strength would be in learning how to cultivate one-to-one relationships and I would professionally (to keep good reputation) leave if not treated properly. I would only work with people who respected me and treated me well.

The point being: embrace your unique identity and know this is part of your heritage, and that you can shape your own destiny. You are a wild, wonderful seed. Find what you can contribute to the world and look for people/clients ready and able, appreciative to recieve it – whether in person or online, or even when being a Super Mom-my.

I have gone back into business for myself just this last month and am beginning to feel like myself again after years of trials and attempting to “fit in.” There are many ways to fit in. The “straight and narrow” paths are only meant for people like in our families to be a place to begin.

We are meant for other, more beautiful paths and discoveries, and we need to feel and be a part of trusting, authentic connections. This is part of our hearts’ need for “magic.”

You were born an alchemist mage dragon in energy. Remember your origins and create the magic you need to be happy, feel safe, and be free. Learn to fly wisely so no one can shoot you down, and know that I love you dearly and when I think of you, I am so proud

(I am posting this here so that they can always find it – and for the other wild seeds out there in the world who are searching for where they belong.)

In Christianity, agape is “the highest form of love, charity” and “the love of God for man and of man for God”. This is in contrast to philia, brotherly love, or philautia, self-love, as it embraces a deep and profound sacrificial love that transcends and persists regardless of circumstance.

wikipedia.org/wiki/Agape

(Heeheehee, wiki)

I have not dared go to bed on an empty stomach for several years.

First, most toothpastes one can find to brush teeth before bed with have mint, which burns into my gut from after remnants in saliva – so no food after has not worked.

Second, I wonder if I have been subconsciously guarding against having an ulcer from the longterm stress that I have been under.

These items to tally have not changed for me, but as I have begun receiving bodywork, where tissues were once bound up and twisted, they are now evening out and filling with a distributed swell of lymphatic fluid.

Also beginning this last week, I have begun questioning if I still need my Starbuck’s, and the last two nights, I have absentmindedly not finished them – and not regretted it.

There is a shift occurring,

Ancient wizards, corrupt in their greed – unable to feed, though plunder.

I am a master sculpter at the table, but once I reenter my personal life, daily functioning can feel like a lot of my own tail chasimg.

The evaluation of the effect of probiotics on the healing of equine distal limb wounds

http://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC7390451/

It is thrilling to help muscle fibers that had become inoperably stagnant rehydrate and reoxygenate while reactivating their tensile response capacities!

Looking down at precious, closed infant eyes and full, pink-hued cheeks with slack jawed, closed mouth dream-suckling as they each fell asleep in my arms while contently suckling.

Thousands of fibrous microtears from multiple accidents and longterm adhesions throbbingly ache after being stretched and encouraged to flex, expand, and rehydrate – reactivating and reunifying them with the lymphatic fluid system.

My muscles have been under pressured push-pull strain-pain for so long that the interstitial fibers sorely ache after experiencing unwinding. I guess it’s a bit of what is called “The Snap-Back Effect.”

The wonderful people at Starbuck’s and Subway (TM’s, baby!) remember me because I often come in for my double-blended “Pink Drink” and a side of eight parmesaned meatballs.

Economic efficiency “at it’s finest!”

Cobbled together with bits hangimg by a thread, one of her drive lights had turned off.

Knowing her tendencies, and as a fun, daring quip, I slammed my hand firmly onto her hood above and then into the front of her lens.

And her flame’s response to my call drew light, again!

With a pat on her shoulder, I commended.

I am receiving amazing work from outstanding therapists – thank you, thank you!

But no one is working on my quads which are stuck together on the bone, so I am finding it more difficult to walk!

Oh!

And, my poor, aching neck probably needs an entire session!

While the therapist gave me a massage and passed over my solar plexus posterior region, I felt my heart’s desire cry out because it seems I had missed connecting with him – once again diverged from “right timing.”

While I tried to just allow the anguish to process, the therapist moved down to my hips, legs, and then calves. The left one was very tight, but the right ome felt dessicated – like wood, she said.

As I was lulled by her hands’ rhythmic patterns, I was suddenly transported to a vision of a dark, reddish-brown, curly-haired wolf-man with full fascial beard who was dressed exceedingly well and standing successfully in a New York office high-rise.

He had apparently been energetically borrowing my leg to help him pass more as human and gain wealth with acclaim. Put’s a whole new meaning to “having a leg to stand on!”

So I joked with my therapist and told him, “I need this back – and how about giving me some of that energetic boost from your successful overage to expand my own finances and ensure that I never again have to experience poverty?”

Seems a fair exchange to me that we would both benefit by winning.

(My eldest used to joke and say the title phrase with a silly voice to me.)

As soon as their anxieties hit from past traumas when they committed to their path with her one by one, they each turned to some form of interferent medication that distanced them from processing and feeling their emotions – and as a result, dissolved the connection of their bond.

Humans need nourishment in their relationships to grow well and strong.

Being on the other side of a marriage and half of a century makes me realize how things can go very wrong.

I know that there are moments of perfection in healthy bonding which can expand if couples focus on authentic connection.

How do I find my right dance partner?

It seemed that someone in the puddle’s reflected dimension ran to catch up with me.

Having met the criteria and deadline – but delayed and denied.

If I had followed the mainstream, I never would have gotten anywhere.

For license renewal requirements, I took a course on cultural competency which completely angered me because the presenting speakers began harping on “white supremacy” and accusing all whites of being harmful.

Stop right there.

Check most countries and you will find a “superior” race practicing its own version of xenophobia, so it is really about humans treating each otber with dignity and equal opportunity.

Do not be “racist” against “whites” – who also come from a multitude of different cultural backgrounds and hard-luck histories of their own – in your attempt to make an assertion under the guise of hypocrasy!

What kind of friend would I be if I interfered?

We both know what you are doing, my love.

Would that I could be there with you.

I might be getting too much done at once…

“I’m gonna puke!”

(Digging too deep into subconscious psyche)

I do not want just any one.

Being a saint is overrated – and yet, I’m committed.

Enough said regarding February.

Met just under the wire – though some ahead of time. Will see how it all shakes out, on the morrow.

As she spoke my name, a bright golden sheen of energy shield began forming over my left shoulder girdle.

From sternum outward across my heart into clavicle, and from posterior vertebrae across ribs and scapula to join at my shoulder, it traveled down and around/over upper arm to anchor at my elbow.

Like a cyborg suit of sunlight’s armor replacing where once limb had inhabited, the healing aura encased, filling the empty spaces with pressure and swelling to recreate matrix for remnants to expand and grow into.

Conceived around 1947–48, while the composer was working on Sonatas and Interludes, 4′33″ became for Cage the epitome of his idea that any auditory experience may constitute music. It was also a reflection of the influence of Zen Buddhism, which Cage had studied since the late 1940s.

https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/4%E2%80%B233%E2%80%B3#:~:text=Conceived%20around%201947%E2%80%9348%2C%20while,studied%20since%20the%20late%201

I settled for something less than what I needed or deserved because I thought that I should be happy with what little was offered to me.

I dreamed I was still alive, here now, standing in a room, but that who I was before fifty lay dead next to me. It was a frightening identity crisis.

I dreamed that men I could have loved were killed by the violent monster of their own.

I had not realized that part of me was curled inward upon itself – like the misdirected growth of a gnarled oak tree.

When she was summoned, she thought that she had been standing up for him, and that he was the one they were putting to the test.

She did not realize that they had made a bet – and that saving his life would be at her own expense.

But, she did it.

She had chosen her time of birth so that she would be a bridge over the gap caused by lost generations.

Her physical presence had helped restabilize the planet’s dwindling life force and gave it and its inhabitants a chance for a better future.

“Why don’t you come home, Athena?” said my mother.

Children were playing and resting in the sunlit meadow where colors saturated, brimming with life’s effervescence.

Her presence felt like my mother, but she was not the woman my mother had become on this plane.

She was the source from whence my mother came – the source of my mother’s true spirit, before the pain.

I had never been asked this in my memory’s knowledge, and when I knew that world, it had been as my secret retreat with the animals.

Had I saved them all from destruction by my leaving?

It was clear new generations were replenishing.

(A healing experience while receiving energy therapy.)