Category: Stream of Thought

When concept of self fragments and swirls – and there is not yet enough incentive nor satisfaction in piecing it all back together.

Maybe when I’m 60.

I turn 52 – that’s right, 52 – on the 18th!

Hee Hee Hee!

Whoo-Whoo-Whoo!

HaHaHaHaHaHaHa!

I love the feel of soft, smooth, and supple black leather – that which may or may not be genuine, but feels like heaven.

On the day that I found my black artist sachel, I also found my thigh-high, black-sheen “stomper” boots.

It made me giggle out loud with delight in Ross to have come upon such treaures.

There’s a lot of push to overwork, try to buy a house, live beyond one’s means – and always teeter on the brink of disaster.

I just want to get stabilized.

What burns more than my lungs from repeat coughing is that for weeks I have had all of my energy forced into focusing on just getting through being sick – rather than other aspects of my life where I would prefer to invest productively to gain improvements.

I think that the last time I was solely in business for myself was 2015.

Between then and now, I kept turning myself into a pretzel to conform and find standardized employment.

I could not begin well without a Bachelor’s degree, despite my business and life experience, and every time I entered a model, I found it extremely limited, stilting, and distressing.

At first, it began as a desire to take pressure off of myself to always be the income fabricator.

Then, my conscription tied tighter because for three years I was trying to stay qualified for a fiance visa as the income provider.

After this failed, I was just caught in the chop of the Covid disaster/relief system.

Moving to a new region, I thought I would give it one more go and stuck it out through difficulties – until I realized that the employment paradigm just does not benefit me.

It keeps me bound by dependency on others to provide, and degrades my identity when they don’t – and in fact, turn the responsibility against me, making me responsible for their success or failure.

It just comes down to that I cannot afford the aggravation that this type of toxic relationship imposes upon my emotional psychology.

When what you want eludes you, it’s best to go about your own business.

(Multiple meanings)

Watching and experiencing flagrant disregard of cautions put in place to protect us is like being in a box of viral fire crackers ready to spark off.

The great relief felt when I may return to bed after having pushed to obtain objectives while sick reminds me of the prospective diminished pressure my new lifestyle of self employment may grant me if I approach it with measured balance.

As I give up attachment to outcome, need, desire, and passion turns like the prow of a ship – set free to move with the stronger currents of loving and replenishing the self.

If you do not ask for much, there is plenty of it.

I am now done with standard employment – having tried various models and experiencing how they have failed the innovation and returns that I aspire to, deserve, and need.

“Dah-wheeeeee-dle…Dah-wheeeee-dle…” repeated rhythmically after perfectly-timed pause, again and again. Outside my kitchen window, telling me that I am home, by a friend.

I am looking forward to my mind disentangling from the parts of my life which have not been working as I leave them behind to embrace joy’s creative endeavors.

There are some realities that only allow entry if you completely commit yourself to bridging to them.

I am in business for myself.

Why is it that it rarely feels enough after a day of accomplishing so much?

I am still in/affected – and my youngling’s fever has not stopped for seven days!

“The HTTP 304 Not Modified client redirection response code indicates that there is no need to retransmit the requested resources.”

developer.mozilla.org/en-US/docs/Web/HTTP/Status/304

(So cool conceptually – chuckle.You mean my efforts have been enough? Why, thank you!)

Inside, she wept because she was not thirty, anymore: when her energy had not been tapped down to the marrow.

Oh, she was still vital and kicking – setting fire to the barriers trying to suppress her.

But she’d been mired in battle for so long that she could not fathom how she could ever reclaim a sense of normalcy.

Like moss as it grows interweaving, the matrix of complexities involved with moving into a new life paradigm must be nourished carefully.

Seriously?

How can it be so difficult to just merely stay afloat!

When the Angel Jibril came to Muhammad meditating alone in the cave, He commanded him: “READ.”

“I do not know how to,” replied Muhammad, for he had never learned – having lived his life as a shepherd and then as a merchant.

“READ!” commanded Jibril, squeezing him unbearably.

“I Cannot!” Muhammad cried out, gasping in pain.

“READ!!” commanded Jibril, squeezing him harder still.

(Ref: Qur’an)

The number 244 also represents strength, courage, and determination. It is a message of power. By creating a solid foundation and secure foundations based on your traditional values, you can make a solid plan with the help of the powerful number and spirit guides to find a higher light through a clear lens. May 10, 2022

sarahscoop.com/244-angel-number-meaning-and-symbolism/#:~:text=The%20number%20244%20also%20represents,light%20through%20a%20clear%20lens.

When you have layers of mazed compartmentalization developed over time from survivalism, it is necessary to present the same concepts in turn from slightly shifted views to gain internal agreement.

It wasn’t that something was necessarily wrong – just that it was wrong for her.

As Peter Murphy sang, “Look for what’s out of place:” something that creatives have no choice but to do when hounded by their inner muse.

That dischordant jangle in the back of her mind – that which she kept tripping over was employment.

It sucked everything out and gave massively less than what she was worth and needed.

For half the effort, I could gain the same.

Less effort, more returns.

Efficiency.

Time off for recovery.

I think we got the extended DVD Blue Ray Experience Covid – hahaha!

Giving out more energy that get in return is not an equation I can continue to participate in. It must be greater returns for reserved efforts so I have wealth beyond what I have dreamed of.

When you can see the veins tracing even the tops of your legs and a puffyness throughout the skin before now uncustomary, then my friend you know you’re dealing with one heck of a virus!

I must be my own to succeed where others fail.

With direct interaction, I can cultivate stronger relationships and ensure better results.

Maybe I have always been ahead of the curve, instead of (as I was taught) behind it.

I want a balanced life – one where I can work, cook, and have time with my family and creativity.

I don’t want to be pushed beyond Max, anymore.

I don’t want to feel like my shirt is always untucked, my hair is mussed, or that my coat tails drag on the floor

Like an underground dweller skittering to the surface under cover of night’s fall, she stayed on the edges of humanity, crossing over an outpost’s thin line just long enough to replenish their diminished water supply.

If I still must endure, I need better terms.

I do not take the yoke easily – and it better be fulfilling in purpose.

That niggling thought, that crimp of doubt on consciousness that would make others fear and cling to a trapping situation, finally defines and causes me to break free – pushing for my will’s expansion.

When her employer refused to give an advance on hours already worked, after a year of her riding out rough times in business with him.

People say “turn to family,” but having tried that, I have found our best connection is gained at a distance.

In this way, only the love filters mostly through – and you can cut off any meant or inadvertent poisonous conjecture.

121 is a very powerful number. It is said to be the key to success, love, and happiness. The symbolic meaning of that number is also said to be miracles. The combination of energies of the numbers 1 and 2 sends messages of hope.

sarahscoop.com/angel-number-121-meaning-and-symbolism-in-numerology/#:~:text=121%20in%20Numerology,-What%20is%20this&text=121%20is%20a%20very%20powerful,2%20sends%20messages%20of%20hope.

Variables already challenging became exacerbated in ways catastrophic.

In order to overcome, we began looking at these trials as “new norms” that must be accepted.

Day 1 & 2: Body fever and every joint and muscle pain-screaming.

Day 3: Prior symptoms shifting to pulse pounding and neck tension, reeling headache.

Coughs and sinuses with occasional life-jarring sneezes and swollen, sore throat are being kept at minimum by taking zinc, vitamin C chewables so tart they’d scare anything out of your system, and other supplement strengtheners.

Still unable to get rid of the feeling of being a bug pinned to the ceiling.

I am not sure who began the movement, but women are now given messaging of both “rely on a man” and “do it yourself.”

While it is important to be self capable, it is also helpful in raising and managing family lineage if you can partner and share the load more evenly between two, rather than all on one.

I must be getting better if dizzyness is worse.

The greatest thing that vexes me in a relationship is non-collaboration, where the load to keep things together is placed fully upon me while the rest of the family follows the lead of the elder who is not cooperating.

When I think of the crazymaking experienced by conscription to that dynamic and I look at how the details in my life can get so complex suddenly and take more effort to manage, I have begun thinking, “Why would I ever want to ask a man to help with any of this?!”

A cooperative man – let alone a dynamic, positively innovative one – seems to be even more rare now than a mythical unicorn.

At some point, we must decide to be true to ourselves no matter the cost.

At least, this is the messaging I have learned from every male role model I have loved who left or deflected me.

But, let’s not be so hasty here, because the truth of it is that the message is important to be true to one’s self – just not at the expense of other peoples’ losses.

Which means that being mindful makes a person’s path something they must define and walk more carefully.

And those men who discarded me had no grace nor willingness to take the time and invest in finding real solutions.

Employer’s clients dropped during and after holidays.

Youngling’s work disrupted due to overwork injuries.

Small tax return disbursement delayed repeatedly as hit barriers to getting documents for and connecting with mandated identity proof-checking.

(All the scammers hear here is “Oo! “Free” money?”)

I catch a client’s cold after finally getting off antibiotics which had overloaded system.

Then, youngling and I catch Covid from an unknown source – blasting my inability to work further into February.

None of this has anything to do with my true capabilities, yet keeps begging the question, “Why am I trying?”

If the universe wants me to be doing my creativity and helping others through healing, it needs to be better providing!

I do not like the feeling and being so sick is mostly about enduring, lowering one’s head with shoulders hunched – and pushing up hard against it to get it lifted.

Otherwise, I’d just be flailing in a tantrum – and I don’t need further reduction of personal dignity.

It doesn’t even matter what anyone else thinks anymore because I can’t even control my own life situations. How can I worry about influencing others?

All I can keep doing is trying my best, resting when I can’t, and getting back to tasks – even if success seems a dimmer hope than looming failure.