Category: Stream of Thought

I must choose arrangements carefully so that I may retain autonomy and flexibility.

Americans have been a part of a “think tank project” which haa focused on ensuring that we are not thinking properly nor productively.

Rather than creating communities of values that insist upon intellectual growth and personal accountability, we are coaxed into a type of waking sleep of consumption meant to keep us listless and wandering.

Who could we be as individuals if we woke ourselves up? What greatness as a nation could we contribute to nourish our neighbors and help them stand strong as our global community?

(Title play with words)

There are some thought paradigms constricting authenticity that I need to modify or completely remove from my conscripted programming.

Creative play regenerates spirit, reorienting disconnect to reconnect internal congruency.

When I was younger, no one wanted to listen.

Now that I am older, my authority cultivates wisdom.

First week back into work, now on my own compulsion, both cars suddenly need attending.

When I think of bills and rent steadily approaching while limited funds get diverted, I reflect on so many odds that I have encountered over the last ten years.

I do not know how I have made it this far when the journey has been so perilous – except by one step after another, and soaring when I’ve been able.

Although some of his forms were breathtaking, it didn’t really matter what he looked like. It was who he was inside that captured her attention.

Maybe I was given those dreams to provide me with a sense of hope: a lure to propel me away from one land – to crash me upon the shore of another.

It is important to open one’s self to a sense of wonder when embarking upon any new (ad)venture.

Embracing abilities to decide my own fate yields power as I harness the crosswinds of change.

Having been a stalwart advocate for love, yet having been beaten about by circumstantial weather as my reward, I realize now that I am bruised and disheartened.

Returning eyes forward – looking onward despite challenges encountered – creates an effect that is much like walking on air and/or water.

If you think that you can depend on something, expect that it could be taken away.

One thing about dealing with emergencies and enacting new networking routines is that it takes so much continuous force of will pushing at a bogged down system to get one’s momentum going that when it is time to turn off and rest, the tapped-out adrenals just keep drawing and pumping energy toward impending crash-and-burnout.

This one happens to be inside the transmission, which means it will be labor-intensive to fix the leak, as well as has to include a complete clutch replacement.

For fun – and what turned out to be raucous laughter and giggles – I typed in a google search for actors my age.

I was surprised to see the contemporaries were those I grew up with and have enjoyed watching over the years.

But, it was even more fun and took off pressure to have found “viable” guys in “my dating range” – as opposed to the standard “retirees” who have given up on life’s innovating.

Pulling my car out of storage, I love strapping in and feeling her growl as she takes me jet-soaring.

Before I have the car towed to a shop that will tell me extremes regarding the clutch system, I will replace some fuses – which I suspect may be the actual issue.

The one working car no longer works.

Now when I need to have an easier pace, I can build this into my schedule.

It is nice that all work I do now more directly benefits me and that I no longer feel taken advantage of when I share fair percentage.

It used to frustrate the man I once loved that whenever he would speak of science, I would relate to it through romantic mysteries – concepts of inspired language about how the different realms complimented each other and were connected. I was an inclusionist, whereas he needed to exclude to retain his logic’s supremacy.

I get these when I am trying to hold back my heart from loving someone who is unavailable.

When I commit wholeheartedly to a project, but those in power/control do not reciprocate, this drains my energy over time and I must disengage and go my own way to recover dignity’s integrity.

I feel the mantle settle about me like a spell of safe keeping.

Like it or not, I am being elevated in status and maturity.

I do not need to feel wrong:
It is a concept of “shoulds”

That has nothing to do with
The realities of my situation.

Officially retrieving my supplies from employment.

I can be a real hellion when my patience has bled dry and I am just stuck in quicksand, struggling.

A vicious stream of curses may then be heard pouring unchecked from my mouth as I rail at the forces that “brought me to this.”

But I have not been cursing nor flailing about this time, preferring to save what dwindling strength is rebooting.

An antibiotic pill taken with a sleep-inducing expectorant – and hopefully, a nap puts me back on track to finish my taxes.

It seems hard rebuild when I have lost my momentum due to being sick, and I have to dig myself out of more sticky quagmire pulling and sucking at my feet while the compass spins – no longer sure, itself, which way is North.

She had not known what it was, but she could feel it coming…

I very much enjoy the fact that I can help enact profound, healing change – without causing pain.

Antibiotic intervention and gym time.

Having the luxury to feel miserable and gripey without having to worry about what anyone else would judge or feel inclined to say.

There are no reassurances when one is out on the edge of all that one has known.

Illness, fears, lack, and limitations – these are all just trends in cycles that must be measured as mere data points, without emotional attachment.

Additionally, trends in data points that promise success must be allowed to overlay those which cause distress.

This is a proven way to “haul one’s ass” out of a caved-in hole.

I guess that it should be no wonder that I feel I cannot “see” the future.

It is the hardest kind to produce.

I tend to fight when up against a wall.

I tend to resist when I have everything to lose.

The hour is bleakest when I cannot see light on the horizon.

Being sick for a long time hits self confidence with a low blow.

Bad habits that must become mitigated.

For me, it has been a remnant, misplaced thing that happens when I cannot make other people happy.

What I have learned so far in this life is that we can create peace and prosperity, we can cultivate and promote good morality – and that external, superficial relationships based upon mutual beneficience are the one’s that may last, in the end.

When concept of self fragments and swirls – and there is not yet enough incentive nor satisfaction in piecing it all back together.

Maybe when I’m 60.

I turn 52 – that’s right, 52 – on the 18th!

Hee Hee Hee!

Whoo-Whoo-Whoo!

HaHaHaHaHaHaHa!

I love the feel of soft, smooth, and supple black leather – that which may or may not be genuine, but feels like heaven.

On the day that I found my black artist sachel, I also found my thigh-high, black-sheen “stomper” boots.

It made me giggle out loud with delight in Ross to have come upon such treaures.

There’s a lot of push to overwork, try to buy a house, live beyond one’s means – and always teeter on the brink of disaster.

I just want to get stabilized.

What burns more than my lungs from repeat coughing is that for weeks I have had all of my energy forced into focusing on just getting through being sick – rather than other aspects of my life where I would prefer to invest productively to gain improvements.

I think that the last time I was solely in business for myself was 2015.

Between then and now, I kept turning myself into a pretzel to conform and find standardized employment.

I could not begin well without a Bachelor’s degree, despite my business and life experience, and every time I entered a model, I found it extremely limited, stilting, and distressing.

At first, it began as a desire to take pressure off of myself to always be the income fabricator.

Then, my conscription tied tighter because for three years I was trying to stay qualified for a fiance visa as the income provider.

After this failed, I was just caught in the chop of the Covid disaster/relief system.

Moving to a new region, I thought I would give it one more go and stuck it out through difficulties – until I realized that the employment paradigm just does not benefit me.

It keeps me bound by dependency on others to provide, and degrades my identity when they don’t – and in fact, turn the responsibility against me, making me responsible for their success or failure.

It just comes down to that I cannot afford the aggravation that this type of toxic relationship imposes upon my emotional psychology.

When what you want eludes you, it’s best to go about your own business.

(Multiple meanings)

Watching and experiencing flagrant disregard of cautions put in place to protect us is like being in a box of viral fire crackers ready to spark off.

The great relief felt when I may return to bed after having pushed to obtain objectives while sick reminds me of the prospective diminished pressure my new lifestyle of self employment may grant me if I approach it with measured balance.

As I give up attachment to outcome, need, desire, and passion turns like the prow of a ship – set free to move with the stronger currents of loving and replenishing the self.