Category: Stream of Thought

No simple tale.

Epic, yet refined.

Definitive.

Shell shock descends, making muscles and ligaments tighten from any stimulus – no longer anticipating attacks to begin.

Not constantly moving, monitoring, or managing 24/7 brings to the fore how depleted my energy has become from this last decade’s run.

When I was a younger woman, there were not as many of the supports in society as there are today in certain regions. I encountered much violence, idiosyncrasy, and hypocrisy.

So I decided to build my world around a man that I loved and who had once been in love with me, determined to do all that I could to help restore him to happiness and keep our family progressively healthy.

His leaving suddenly without warning pulled the carefully stabilized pin of success’ security out from everything. What was important fell to the ground, and those willing to help had to be managed warily.

When there is a sudden vacuum, the need to dominate and control in others can suddenly swoosh in under guise of kindness and “rescue.”

Having everything one invested in suddenly burn into ruin and one’s status diminished with abilities conscripted toward fighting for survival can unhinge needed constructs in psychology.

As an individual, it is now very important that I do not ever allow someone to devastate me in this manner again. It has taken too long to gain any recovery.

Two of the competetive athletes that I helped last week won their matches!

I like to think that I “had a hand” in that!

It is important to not have attachment – except for short-term projects and loved ones that you know you can rely on.

All the time, fighting to keep traction so I diminished losing ground.

Seeing my reflection in the car window as pass by, I smile encouraging myself.

I am this now.

It is unavoidable that changes to my appearance have happened.

I do not need to listen to the crone, and it angers me at how much she has siphoned.

My face now shows the strength of my endurance.

I am a Woman.

Tried and proven under pressures.

As I move into this new life, I cannot help but feel twitchy.

Afterall, I had essential needs denied to me and felt stripped of my humanity.

Allowing myself to sink back into my skin instead of constantly being in endurant warrior mode is a major renegotiation.

I am brilliant.

I am unstoppable.

When more hold space in their beings, the grace of healing expands.

Honestly, I did not know there were others like me.

I grew up in the Central Valley, Santa Clara Valley, amd the Central Coast while searching.

Only now do I begin to see reflection of my inner light emerging from seeds that were so long ago planted.

Picking out items of delight in the thrift store, for a moment I carry them in my basket, relishing the thought of decorating my home.

Then, I put them back, relieved to not spend limited funding, having brought them to light for the milling, hungry throng.

It’s ok to not have my next sense of direction, yet.

I’m going to say it.

I’m going to be it.

I’m going to do it.

I’m going to live it.

https://www.bigbasstabs.com/gerry_rafferty_bass_tabs/right_down_the_line.html

Just in time for tomorrow’s lesson!

https://tabs.ultimate-guitar.com/tab/john-mellencamp/aint-even-done-with-the-night-bass-1217797

I’ll check out the sheet music for “Ain’t Even Done With The Night” by John Mellencamp.

She told me to write a book one day – that she would have liked to read it.

It would have been long and boring if done traditionally, rather than here as current stream of consciousness

I once read about a male celebrity who mentioned how dicey it was to date these days because of the women’s protection movement prohibiting men to behave according to past assertive chivalric customs in courtship.

He explained that this made it difficult for him to feel secure asking a woman for a friendship outside of his known circles of preestablished friends.

If the options are slimmed down to friends and past singke connections that have now become partnered, this leaves a person with no one.

It seems that my relationship work here is done.

She had arrived in a region once lush with marshlands and wildlife, then diverted and drained for farming by a people basic in their needs and understanding.

As she grew, she sought others of her kind and gravitated toward creatives, unjudging of their temperments while supporting their good within.

Life was long and stretched painfully without engagement stimulation, so she stuck with a group like a drenched bird to a floating branch clings.

As the water of life carried her into her twenties to a gentle region by the sea, she thought she had done well for herself despite obvious difficulties.

Determined to create and nourish love when she could not find it, she turned her efforts toward raising two empowered children as her dynasty.

The first one introduced me to the other two among new friends before he moved away.

The second pretended to like me long enough to dislodge me so that another girl could go after the first, who it turned out no longer wanted me.

Later, after the third saw how the second treated me over time, third made a bid for my company.

I loved him for his excellent qualities, his witty intelligence, and his heart for standing up for me.

I thought he was my man and fought for him for so many years – way beyond his initial chivalry.

Full circle complete, I move forward on my own. What can be built as individuals collaborating is not the same (or even possible) when prospective contributors have partners of their own.

They were all friends at one time, but then went their separate ways.

I loved each one in their turn, over years and separation from those days.

I saw the goodness in their eyes – the vulnerability they struggled to hide.

I did my best to reach for it and pull it forward into the light.

Each one now has a good life partner, and I am happy for them.

What’s Divine resides within us, waiting for us to reach.

Touching upon previous lifetime interactions restimulates camoflage behaviors attempting to smother now’s authenticity. Initially and with touch-and-go distance, I can regain my own progress – but it must be with limited doses of exposure so adherence to self grows stronger.

By night, haggard and brittle.

By day, still quite capable.

At what point will I catch up to my true self, decompress and dispose of the past’s baggage, and make way for youth’s renewing waters to flow again?

I have allowed both dogs onto my pristine bedroom rugs.

The hound loudly works at a bamboo forked bone.

The wolf regally rests her head against her own paws.

And the queen yowls, discontent after being put away for the night.

All is well as I wonder: can I finished my SOAP notes before her insistance bugs me?

Meanwhile, the song playing to “Betsy Drake: The Uncommon Star” lilts on repeat.

Add this to my many talents…

Oh yeah…

I need to look into singing lessons.

It looks like I’m functional…

Heh hee heh!

I have veen getting compliments and praise for my therapy melting muscle tension like magic.

Today I was called upon to help athletes who had pulled their lower backs unwind spasm torsions.

Seven sessions were performed on various levels – including returning to the office in the evening.

My muscles are now overworked but pumped up by intention’s stepping up to help “save the day.”

Through my dedicated efforts, it was amazing to help restore their integral sacral-hip movement.

She kept returning to where his soul used to be.

Isn’t this what we do when we lose good loving?

Couples are getting married and women are becoming pregnant around me.

I am making some mistakes, which is unusual for me. Perhaps I no longer need to be a superhero.

I will look into pet vet insurance to see if that can strengthen backup resources for my hound.

Even if you only have a couple of angles, work them hard and creatively to push beyond barriers.

Not having income or resources one can count on makes it hard to plan for longevity.

Not having a Bachelor’s limits employment income – unless you innovate as an independent contractor

Proceeding with pup needs resources to fund training and provide for any future medical care.

Living on the edge is not a suatainability plan.

During hardship, I still had my goals. Having to relinquish my Bachelor’s and hound is devastating (our queen is still in discussion).

I love everything about her:

Her long, delicate feet.

Her sleek, so short coat.

Her soft, floppy ears.

Her warm, brown eyes.

Her playful being.

Her sense of humor.

Her laughing teasing.

Her inteligent thinking.

Her inclusive loving me.

Even her mind-melting, high piched, psychic whining constantly telling me what she is wanting serves a purpose (though omg! lol)

I know she is still growing.

She needs patient training.

And a life of safe security –

Allowed to run more free.

She means so much to me.

It doesn’t feel right looking for rehoming.

But I want and need more assurances.

My insides are filled with anxiety.

Usually, I stick with everything.

What has happened to me?

Who am I becoming?

Single parents – as well as coupled parents – need external supports to get reprieve from duty so that they have recovery time in order to keep performing efficiently.

Being unable to switch places with your partner when things with children get too steamed.

People who refuse to uphold their end of a bargain no longer get to hold the same rank in once high positions. Example: unresponsive ex’s to the plight of their children.

A place where people thought reasonably?

Support and generosity in community?

A future without more depravity?

Letting go, she fell to the floor.

Is it any surprise after what we’ve overcome that upon reaching basecamp I want to ensure my children’s future safety?

So why is this tearing me up inside to where the tears are rolling?

Such close calls – over and over…

My confidence is shot – used up, conscripted.

It takes energy resources to keep it replenishing.

I used to be brave about performing pregnancy care – but today I decided that I no longer would.

I cannot take on responsibility for the health and safety of mothers and their growing children.

I care too much and am fighting becoming disillusioned.

I wanted to take the dogs for a walk this afternoon, thinking it was dry enough.

I planned to let my hound out on a long leash to give her more reign.

But the rain and ensuing ground slickeryness stopped me.

I don’t know what to do or which way to turn anymore.

It’s been on a knife’s razor edge that we’ve made it this far.

Now that we have a home again, one could think it ought to become easy.

I don’t know how to interpret well where we go from here.

Having found a base but with clients dropping due to holidays, nothing feels solid.

I know these patterns of worry trends – but not those of relaxation.

They say that tremendous loss can do this to you.