Category: Stream of Thought

Daring to retrieve one’s faith which became bound by a matrix of nonbelievers.

Why do I need people who don’t need me?

An archaic term these days.

I have it, but I do not flaunt it.

I was attracted to the fine-looking officer because I thought maybe as a warrior, he could relate.

But it seems that men just want plasticized arm candy for their extended dates.

If you ever need to stay longterm in a hotel, invest in a heating blanket.

The blankets are never warm enough, and the heater may frequently go on-the-blitz.

Having one now, I see that having one then would have made a great difference!

My bravery and tenacity gifted me with two lovely children, where the dancer had none by marrying her own musician.

They had such a large, beautifully-exotic wedding with American-Middle Eastern-Eastern Indian flares in fabric and decor and the most amazing, flavor-adventure cuisine.

She came over briefly and doted upon my eldest who at the time was only about a year old with curls at nape of neck.

My partner and I were split up at the time, as I had just moved back to San Luis Obispo from Santa Barbara. My eldest and I were living briefly in a trailer with a woman I found out later was frauding AFDC.

My firstborn and I soon moved out from that dicey situation to an apartment by the heavily-rumbling 101 North. I could not sleep at this location, and we eventually reunited with my ex-partner.

I wanted our children to know their father closely, unlike mine who had been driven from our home due to his antics in my own early childhood.

My mother did not believe in second chances unless her man came back upscale and willing.

Years later, the dancer divorced her husband and had obtained her Master’s in Psychology.

When the kids and I went through homelessness the first time, I qualified for the last of a community grant that got us into a house – and then it was up to me to keep it.

I struggled with what my career path could be that would allow me to be available to my two then teens, yet bring in enough money for our survival without my yet-acquired Bachelor’s.

I returned to housecleaning, having somehow forgotten that I had been a healer before my partner’s life situation had taken over everything.

During this transitional period from being without a home to holding one again, I learned the dancer-turned-counselor was one of the designated therapists that I could see at the outreach center.

I was mortified to have her see how my family’s world had been destroyed by The Death Star. We had been equals once – or rather, she had relied upon my music to carry her renowned beauty.

I could not hide the devastation I felt from her at how things had turned against me.

I hated feeling victimized by another’s choices after having cared for and trusted in the good of his humanity.

I remembered these moments just now while laying in bed with a heating pad trying to counter a gnarly shoulder spasm.

My life has been colorful at times, filled with wonderful moments of joy and gaiety – especially through music and performance get-togethers.

But there was always a price paid being with someone who could not/would not trust while loving me.

I thought I was supposed to stay with him, to teach him by example that life could be wonderful to live as we give to each other.

Eventually he could do this – if he started out fresh with a new partner. I guess the associations had to be swept clean for him to embrace this.

“Pay It Forward” seems to be life’s main theme shown to me, so I will just keep dodging and weaving.

It has become a way of survival to stay on the edge of things, make cameos – and then, just disappear again into the surrounding scenery.

Three projects that could bring in income keep getting put off.

What use are these blocks to functionality that I keep encountering?

How heavy my load must have been to arrive at such impass!

When one is around naysayers, potential is not safe to quest for openly.

When one is alone in reflection, potential can elude identifying.

Looking at the world and deciding where one would like to contribute can help form a plan.

As age and experience set in, Protectors move slower with more assurity.

For most of my life, I have pursued the tenets of and aspired for the greatest love.

What has this afforded me?

Emptiness and solitude, except by how it has shaped my beautiful being.

Perhaps now it is time to ignore my half of a century’s craving and to pretend as if it is something that I do not need.

The bright pink hole left by the removed straw through heavily whipped cream on top of the double-blended Pink Drink (TM) beckoned my desire to mix more strawberry into the rich decadence.

Did I mention that my dog barfed onto my gym bag? It’s back to Walmart bags for me!

It did not bother me so much at this stage in my life that he was younger than me, for he was much closer to my age than my fiance had been.

It did not matter to me so much that he was richer than me, for riches may be defined by attributes beyond money – of which I have plenty.

No, the crush came from there being too many unknowns, and by not knowing what they were, I felt pressured to overcompensate in absence of his guidance.

Despite desires to be other and contrary to extended efforts, I must acknowledge my body type has shifted to dense manifestation.

I have gained 40 pounds over time from my usual steady 146, while my focus has been to draw it all in for more of a sustaining powerkick.

It can more readily be seen why ascribing to media hype and pining for my own acquisition of leanness has “weighed” so heavily (har har!) upon me.

I have rarely come close to the physical form’s expression that I desire – mainly due to the struggle for consistency during repeated periods of disruption.

The product of my efforts is that I am built solid to lift furniture and wield sword and shield in my family’s favor.

I joked once with a client, “Hulga is pleased to work with you” – this being a relationship where we enjoy laughter, and due to on this day he had asked me to push into his pain, directly.

But I am not bulk-blocky – just core dense, with long legs and capable arms and the curving shoulder carriage that graces any mother and caregiver.

I am no string-bean waif running around, invested in makeup and hair products while tossing chest and rump about to elicit capture of a latest mating prize.

Who funds these parodies, anyway?

What they have attained requires a severe lack of responsibility – or at least a steady influx of external guidance, coddeling, and financial stability.

I had sought to obtain coaching from a body building professional, but made the mistake of walking into one gym where the owner manipulated my inclusive affability into making his wife jealous.

I think it is safe to say I am now barred from that gym’s entry – after his wife in no uncertain terms literally bared her teeth at me.

I did not want to be formed into a tankerous powerlifter, anyway.

I then tried another coach with good ideas, but the exercises that she suggested reactivated old injuries to where my quads and anterior hip attachments are always seizing, and their fibers pain-screaming at me with nearly every step I take these days.

Luckily, I have a hip specialist working with me and cupping is slowly unwinding these micro stuck-on-bone fiber torsions.

It has not been fun feeling like I am becoming a youth zombie.

“No paaaiiinnnn….give me no paaaaiiinnn…” is becoming my mantra’s theme.

When has it been acceptable to be more than scattered pieces, reliant upon taking turns while hiding the paused bits from scrutiny?

This has been a harsh journey through a brash world governed by the uncaring and unfeeling.

Matrimony and engagement have exemplified viral infectionism of such trendings.

Therefore, perhaps it is better to remain separate from others to regain and retain individualism.

At what point did the spirit take control, pulling unwilling body and mind forward?

Then once obtained destination, how may the three reunify, blending into cooperative cohesion?

Is it safe for spirit to yield its independence back into the collective when body and mind were propelled reluctantly?

How can spirit maintain its continued objectivity if it remelds with previously biased synapses?

Will this reunion stabilize body and mind while allowing spirit to obtain the support it has besn missing?

For spirit had the job of pragmatic pioneering.

I do not want to waste any more time traveling down paths I have already known.

It is interesting how we are expected to proceed forward in life without our internal parts aligned.

For example, the struggle to bring in enough income on a daily basis while paying exhorbitant fees for a roof over one’s head at a hotel tends to push one past sustainable energy expenditure limits on a daily basis, which can lead to burnout.

There is no time or space allowed for unwinding or pursuing the higher arts of art, music, language – or even socializing.

All is focused on the “here and now” while striving to ensure the continuance of tomorrow.

Therefore, once one is allowed to return to what society would refer to as “normalcy” (the basics, such as having a home to one’s self, again), one has to take stock of where they have been internally, what kind of repair needs to be enacted, and what one’s life goals should become now focused upon.

I dislike looking at myself while perceiving such a “ramshackle mess.”

But I know that I have made the best efforts to keep our family safe and healthy, and it is to be expected that inside – where we all hide our insecurities – I feel somehow less than worthy.

She struggled to gain some kind of handhold on their connection for grappling to break free of it.

If they couldn’t be together – if he truly would not be hers – then she did not want the angst that pounded.

Searching for the source in external representation and meeting resistance for others’ various reasons, although she felt alone and was longing for connection, she turned inward again to cultivate her magic.

Only now, there is a one-inch gap under doors through which yowlings and brain-melting high-pitched whinings echo loudly down sound-reflective, smooth-floored halls.

We are afforded an expansive view and space between us which draws us closer.

I must be my own authority.

She was tied in knots over having been sent to seek him out – only to have it result as apparently “a fool’s errand” while rubbing her nose into it!

My life has been a stream of moments passing by – quicker than I could grab and hold onto them – as I have continued climbing upward.

What would happen if I were to say that “here” is “good enough?”

What if I just stepped off, nestled in, and “took in the land” awhile?

It could be better than continuously reaching out and encountering denial’s frustration.

Hand-selected and framed in memories.

Letting go of the Bachelor’s dream, she finished the courses in teaching for her own enjoyment and dove into learning about filmmaking.

She took a year to complete four unit modules in Teaching English To Foreign Learners while revisiting learning piano, 6-string bass, drawing, and theatre. The next year, she hammered out the two remaing four unit courses to at last obtain her Bachelors.

Advocative, affectionate, playful, innovative, appreciative – cherished and wanted.

I may have positively influenced a great many people, but as our tracks do not often realign, it has been a “pay it forward” paradigm.

Sitting diagonally-skewed, propped by several plump pillows and swaddled by layers of soft, beautiful blankets which include electric heating.

Laboring under pain for an extended amount of time erodes self confidence and torments self perceptions.

She wanted to purge all negative emotions still attached to and affecting her.

But, something was missing in her self identifying that these feelings clung to.

How could something cling to something that is missing?

They filled the space of absence, providing false comfort – as if who she was was there.

My Love,

Why do sparks fly between us?

Are they embers flaring from old arguments?

Have we both set our feet so firmly that nothing will reconcile us?

So many years ago – but to our kind, as recent memory.

How can we break these patterns and reunite our passions?

Deliberate acquiesance to forces beyond one’s control, until acquiring better positioning.

There have been trends in societal ageism, but this does not mean that it is appropriate to condemn a woman of fifty years to an expected death sentence – and to consign her to a march of searching for its proof, demanding that she give up hopes of her previous “youth!”

Beckoning forward, blanketing all with snow or clearing to fierce blue skies, daring to prise open eyes that for too long have been sleeping.

It is a similar layout to the unit on –teenth street, but bigger and more warmly inviting.

However, we are no longer bound to alcoholic neighbors just four feet across – nor to a landlord on the property just a door further down with chemical addictions.

There are no police officers or social services representatives for fostering or curbing rebellions.

All is quiet here, which makes my instinct war between believing peace is possible – or that danger and loss are always inevitable.

Neighbors no longer attached, she howls to the moon, searching for her soul.

It is not the same as the choice to make a change, no matter how you sugarcoat it.

What is my part to play in all of this?

I will never be good enough for her.

She will always find fault with me.

I have become an amazing human.

But not in the way she has wanted –

Because I have become an individual.

When you find a sanctuary, memories catch up to you.

In 1989-1990, our first two beloved kittens.

Our “evil” stepmother let them out one day and we never saw them again.

Supposedly, a neighbor took them in.

I was told to not pursue the issue.

I had forgotten about that.

Now why would hanging hangers in a neat fashion restore a sense of one’s competance?

A few subtle accents – nothing ostentatious – make our home feel of quality and comfort.

As unpacking continues and I find what remains of my sparse clothing, I realize that it has not been so much the limited resources that have upset me, but the lack of appreciation in our society for those whose worth is so much more than the shirts upon their backs.

The last decade exposed me to trials which weathered me worn to bone.

I resent that I have had my youth conscripted to a life caring for the disabled and elderly, only to have what I was left with stripped from me involuntarily.

Where exactly is my reward and who is this person I am now forced to be?

To embrace the Here and Now means that I must accept what has happened.

But I do not.

I was robbed.

Viral media propagation of beauty projections attained by falsifications must no longer be allowed to have any affect on me.

Whether I choose to participate or continue on my own expressive vein should no longer involve feeling inadequate.