Category: Stream of Thought

I do not like seeking new homes for my favorites – for indeed, they are my shining stars.

But that’s the thing about being a good mother.

I have to ensure the success of their future.

If something doesn’t feel “on the level” in business, I will shore up loose ends and walk away from it. I can’t say this has been good for income, but it helps keep integrity in my actions.

My hound has brought me joy, but also such responsibility.

She has manners now, which is very important, but needs attentive reminding.

I dislike that things have not gone as planned regarding finances for improving her training.

She is so smart and willing – if you know the right canine language.

I put the call to the breeder to see if there was a better situation for my lovely hound.

I feel that my structure may be too disciplined and that she deserves to be hunting along the ground.

Maybe I am too harsh on myself.

As the leader of our pack, it has been hard to always remain diligent and to know where it is safe to let my guard down

This was actually brought on because my queen would not stop yowling.

She just can’t seem to be appeased and needs humans willing to revolve around her.

I got them all this far and am just worn tired to the bone.

I should feel successful, instead of like a failure.

It takes time to acclimate to new situations.

But that does not mean that I have much left to give to carry all of us further.

It seems that some things just are.

I bring a little light to it.

I will not be yowl-harrassed-bossed by a cat who thinks she is entitled!

She just needed to get all of this out of her head.

Having an amazing mate seemed to be not part of the plan laid out for her.

What was “hers” was always taken.

Whom she thought was meant had broken and left her forsaken.

Maybe it was just best to try to scrub this encoding from her intentions.

A “Way Of The Warrior.”

She dreamed her ex-fiance was leading her along a “merry chase” of being almost close enough to him – then his leaving again.

Luckily, a new friend who looked like a younger Jane Seymour held out a hand to her and said with a smile of welcome, “Let’s ‘get lost’ and explore these exotic lands you came to visit!”

Later, she found herself tormented in a hometown-like countryclub veranda and countryside outdoor get together where the latest power couple were vacationing.

She was an ouslander in a situation where she could have easily belonged by birthright, but that her mother inadvertantly had made sure would be barred to her.

The woman now lapping up all of the lavishment had made a gluten-free, flakey-crusted chicken pot pie and had left her some on the open stoveway through which she could see the gentiles lounging.

Grateful for the yummy sustenance and thinking everyone had already eaten, she gave herself a generous portion.

But then, “Mr. Elusive” entered the kitchen looking amazing as he sought some for himself.

As the dream began to fade at the improbability of their union, she struggled to share her heart’s message of “I love you.”

Upon waking nonplussed from her emotions being taunted, she thought, “Maybe I should just take up some cooking!”

She could see that he had some validity from his point of view.

But at the time, she had been correct in her assessment from the vantage of promoting mutual expansion.

The fact that he had initially thought that her actions were a grave mistake rankled her innovation.

It made her realize how she could become too restricted having any dependency upon his collaboration.

Worst of all, her fine decisionmaking had now been called into question – which placed her in a vulnerably precarious position.

What they don’t tell you about it is that sometimes it requires great risk.

And sometimes that risk is entirely too uncomfortable – and crosses boundaries that have been qualified as a “no go zone.”

She had a hard time reconciling what had happened.

She understood the factors that had put her in this position.

Her wings felt too bound around her body by the situation.

Allowing someone to have any power over her was not what she wanted.

Memories, momentos, and reminiscence.

I don’t want them inside, cluttering – but the garage is damp.

Unsolicited and deflected, it just isn’t fair that I got dragged into their union.

It takes at the very least false bravado – and a leap of faith into the unknown, whether or not one believes in The Creater – to leave any predefined comfort zone.

Intimacy is dead-end hollow.

“You have no idea what I have been through. See, this is why I was just going to leave quietly and send you a simple email – I don’t like getting this upset!”

She was shaking uncontrollably, trying to reclaim her composure, and afraid to still be there.

“But this happens,” he stated with acceptance, trying to help calm her. ” I haven’t fired you. How are you going to make it without this job?”

“I am used to surviving on my own. I will figure it out – like I have always had to…wait a minute. Are you saying that you want to work this out?” she tried hard to absorb this.

He nodded his head, while opening his hands, and emphasized, “Well…Yes!”

Her emotions swirled inside of her in her confusion as she struggled to make sense of the situation.

“Can we schedule a time when we can speak more about this?” she asked, needing to get ready for her clients.

” I would like that,” he said.

They set the date for further discussion.

Usually, even with severe challenges, I am bold and brave walking into the unknown.

Well – at least, I do my best to hide my quivering.

So, choosing to rely on other people is very new to me.

With it comes a new form of anxious insecurity.

It had become my “normal” habit to go it alone.

Conceived around 1947–48, while the composer was working on Sonatas and Interludes, 4′33″ became for Cage the epitome of his idea that any auditory experience may constitute music. It was also a reflection of the influence of Zen Buddhism, which Cage had studied since the late 1940s.

https://en.m.wikipedia.org › wiki

4′33 – Wikipedia

It really irks me to just walk away.

That’s not the usual way I play.

Projects and goals that have kept me climbing mountains – only to keep sliding down from that final face’s slip-treachery – are things that I guess I must just walk away from.

Add a little 5-string bass and keyboard training, with a splash of learning how to transpose my songs into sight reading.

First lesson date acquired!

Man, I got some swag – and it comes out when I reconnect with other musicians.

I know what it means to be hip – so don’t trip!

We’re all just tryin’ to get along, here.

Maybe I will also pick up that learning accents class.

At least here, the doors are opening to be allowed to finish my Teaching English To Foreign Learners training.

Some things are just not worth trying for, anymore.

“For what do we live, but to make sport for our neighbors, and laugh at them in our turn? “

Elizabeth’s father, Pride And Prejudice, A&E version

This year, an agency sent some funding to help toward my ability to finish my Bachelor’s degree.

It was like a godsend, for finances were a major barrier to finishing my remaining 12 units.

Another bout of external-circumstantialy-enforced homelessness delayed my attendance, and though people at the school knew I was fighting to return, one department did not step up to support me.

I found out, now that I have benn planning to attend online in January, that student accounts  returned the money to the agency – without asking or informing me.

Goodbye Bachelor’s dream and the supposed relief that comes when from your promised, societally-approved help to lift me above the world’s economic barriers.

It is a good thing I have learned – as I keep learning from new ways of having my nose shoved into the sh** and dragged back and forth – to not depend on anything that I am told can be mine by ascribing to dictates of society.

Some people are given it while others work hard to earn it.

Just making ends barely meet by pushing efforts to roll the heavy boulder up the hill – to have it fall back to square one. I guess this is the thrill?

Slowing my pace while removing myself from conflict allows others to think about a given situation and step up to the plate to express their own tendencies.

I am trying to repurpose proactive attention into ready and alert waiting for good timing to best respond to others’ choices and behaviors.

I am more effective.

I think that the ideal of having a good job from an employer is now becoming completely overshadowed by the continuance of opposite experiences. Perhaps it is best to be independent.

When speaking openly with honor consistently, it seems a theme that eventually other people may become jealous, feel threatened, and/or attempt to sabotage well-built relationships.

They can go only so far as each involved party puts energy toward them.

It gives me great anxiety if I am in need because being in need is not necessarily seen as a respected position of authority.

However, if accompanied by the proper positive perspective, one can present their case well and gain supportive assistance.

Daring to retrieve one’s faith which became bound by a matrix of nonbelievers.

Why do I need people who don’t need me?

An archaic term these days.

I have it, but I do not flaunt it.

I was attracted to the fine-looking officer because I thought maybe as a warrior, he could relate.

But it seems that men just want plasticized arm candy for their extended dates.

If you ever need to stay longterm in a hotel, invest in a heating blanket.

The blankets are never warm enough, and the heater may frequently go on-the-blitz.

Having one now, I see that having one then would have made a great difference!

My bravery and tenacity gifted me with two lovely children, where the dancer had none by marrying her own musician.

They had such a large, beautifully-exotic wedding with American-Middle Eastern-Eastern Indian flares in fabric and decor and the most amazing, flavor-adventure cuisine.

She came over briefly and doted upon my eldest who at the time was only about a year old with curls at nape of neck.

My partner and I were split up at the time, as I had just moved back to San Luis Obispo from Santa Barbara. My eldest and I were living briefly in a trailer with a woman I found out later was frauding AFDC.

My firstborn and I soon moved out from that dicey situation to an apartment by the heavily-rumbling 101 North. I could not sleep at this location, and we eventually reunited with my ex-partner.

I wanted our children to know their father closely, unlike mine who had been driven from our home due to his antics in my own early childhood.

My mother did not believe in second chances unless her man came back upscale and willing.

Years later, the dancer divorced her husband and had obtained her Master’s in Psychology.

When the kids and I went through homelessness the first time, I qualified for the last of a community grant that got us into a house – and then it was up to me to keep it.

I struggled with what my career path could be that would allow me to be available to my two then teens, yet bring in enough money for our survival without my yet-acquired Bachelor’s.

I returned to housecleaning, having somehow forgotten that I had been a healer before my partner’s life situation had taken over everything.

During this transitional period from being without a home to holding one again, I learned the dancer-turned-counselor was one of the designated therapists that I could see at the outreach center.

I was mortified to have her see how my family’s world had been destroyed by The Death Star. We had been equals once – or rather, she had relied upon my music to carry her renowned beauty.

I could not hide the devastation I felt from her at how things had turned against me.

I hated feeling victimized by another’s choices after having cared for and trusted in the good of his humanity.

I remembered these moments just now while laying in bed with a heating pad trying to counter a gnarly shoulder spasm.

My life has been colorful at times, filled with wonderful moments of joy and gaiety – especially through music and performance get-togethers.

But there was always a price paid being with someone who could not/would not trust while loving me.

I thought I was supposed to stay with him, to teach him by example that life could be wonderful to live as we give to each other.

Eventually he could do this – if he started out fresh with a new partner. I guess the associations had to be swept clean for him to embrace this.

“Pay It Forward” seems to be life’s main theme shown to me, so I will just keep dodging and weaving.

It has become a way of survival to stay on the edge of things, make cameos – and then, just disappear again into the surrounding scenery.

Three projects that could bring in income keep getting put off.

What use are these blocks to functionality that I keep encountering?

How heavy my load must have been to arrive at such impass!

When one is around naysayers, potential is not safe to quest for openly.

When one is alone in reflection, potential can elude identifying.

Looking at the world and deciding where one would like to contribute can help form a plan.

As age and experience set in, Protectors move slower with more assurity.

For most of my life, I have pursued the tenets of and aspired for the greatest love.

What has this afforded me?

Emptiness and solitude, except by how it has shaped my beautiful being.

Perhaps now it is time to ignore my half of a century’s craving and to pretend as if it is something that I do not need.