Category: Stream of Thought

Her young dog died and she was heartbroken. Cast adrift. Lost and lonely.

I looked into her eyes and told her that she needed to get another.

To my surprise, she did this very thing. She got herself a puppy.

Now when I see her, her heart is mending. It is on its way to recovery.

I see her proud to share with others the precious love that she is holding.

I find that the bathroom here has become a sort of meditation room for me where I take time to process what’s been happening.

Perhaps it is due to the fan always being on, where the white noise helps drown out the world’s impressions by overstimming my senses.

Also, it is an official “time out zone” where it is generally accepted that other people, animals, and life pressures must “for pure decency’s sake” reliquish you to your privacy.

I am also learning that I am currently not a morning person. I do best if around 11am is my get up call. Then, I take about an hour to wake up in this prep room by looking at my Instagram, planning the day’s schedule, etc.

Soon enough (and with much conscious effort), I must break out of the lull that having space for myself provides – and push out again into the demands of the day.

Perhaps giving so much conscious focus and energy in my healing therapy is more draining than I realize.

Perhaps, also, the need for my instincts to stay constantly poised and alert for any malarkey that must be avoided or smoothed uses endurance.

For when you do not have a home of your own, other people’s energetic influences can too easily overshadow and attempt to manipulate your own.

At least, this is what my hind brain tells me.

Once I was shipped down to care for my grandmother’s recovery from hip surgery after my grandfather died, she and I rattled about the place – lost in our displacement: she, from losing the love of her life, and I, from losing my family.

“Family” creates the patchwork that holds our lives together. It helps us to bridge gaps in inclement weather.

My mother, the rebel, and my uncle were adopted. My uncle broke away as became an entertainment management professional.

I was born into a family striving to become one where there once was none. Gender status ensured my grandfather’s legacy could not be carried on.

Consists of taking turns of walking with – and pulling against each other.

During our walk today, we came across some people opening a fresh bag of feed to scoop out for the wild mallards. It was quite a sight to see the large group of ducks all clustered around the vehicle: the males with their bright green heads reflecting sunlight, and the females chattering loud cacophany.

When you keep experiencing disruption, in order to overcome it, you must embrace it as the norm.

The fact that it should not have to be the norm must become irrelevant for successful survival.

She could have defined her own path.

He did not give her the chance.

(Situation multiple meanings)

A recent tea leaf advised me to not regret choices made when my own bravery assisted me to step into the unknown.

I feel chagrined in that for once I let down my diligence and instead invested in an experience that allowed me to viscerally feel again alive, hopeful, and in love.

I guess that I can just tally the money lost for not trying to recoup from the scammer’s ploy where I had thought my actions covered added to the money lost by the government agency’s “scamming.”

I paid premium dollars for two “virtual reality” experiences where I was led to believe that someone I highly valued valued me, and that government agencies have my best interests guaranteed.

My regrets are that I still feel any attachment while my sense of injustice tries to prod me to action.

When the scammer had arrived, she was ready for a holiday. In fact, she desperately needed it.

Being of a generous and ambitious nature, she bought into the fantasy and released raw creativity.

But, an important timeline passsd where she could have fought for what she was owed.

She was just so tired of having to beg for what was hers, while being denied at the government’s teat.

The process had been overly frustrating, time consuming, and deeply humiliating.

So she chose to invest in a representation of light to outshine desperation’s darkness.

She had become shy over the years when it came to revealing her heart’s intentions. She did not like the pain experienced once she had invested in partnership – and was then rejected.

However, just when she thought she had mastered the art of seclusion, extra bursts of confidence grown brave despite disillusion would push her into the sunlight to test and challenge paradigms.

But, this did not mean that those she reached out to would accept or reciprocate her regard for them. Each person is in their own growth cycle along their own timeline.

Perhaps she hoped for too much, expecting others would listen to and be ignited by her mission. The more she thought about this, the more she became embarrassed for asserting.

Gathering her dreams about her, she exited rooms where to her promise once glistened.

Vertebral disequilibrium.

Previously punished extroversion can drive one so far into the habits of introversion that when one attempts to balance the self by ambiversion, sustaining efforts externally without external positive reinforcement and encouragement can lead one to feel too keenly deep levels of anxiety.

It then becomes a struggle for maintaining energy output to stay “out on a limb” as psychological muscles begin quivering in the silence of nonreceptivity to brave efforts given.

One’s survival mechanism of “conservation of energy” takes over, resulting in a snap-back reaction which leaves the venturer quaking in their own skin.

People do not seem to take the time, anymore, to inquire and discover about each other.

“The pandemic represents a rare but narrow window of opportunity to reflect, reimagine, and reset our world” – Professor Klaus Schwab, Founder and Executive Chairman, World Economic Forum.

http://www.weforum.org/focus/the-great-reset

Not having to march to preset rhythms.

You know – actually being let off of the leash!

One thing I still chafe at is preset expectations regarding what we “should do” for the holidays.

It is interesting now to have come so far as to be able to look back at how a message from this performer or that has helped me to survive and keep my sactity.

I do not credit them, for as I came upon each one, they were separated from the others and their messages were more cryptic and personal to their own reflections.

However, I took their inventions and sometimes even altered their original intentions to tweak their art’s symbolism to better suit my needs.

An alchemist works with in-the-raw simple and complex materials. The energy already crafted into these works held charges which would help boost me, and I am grateful for receiving.

There is something about reducing expansion pressures and aiming for sustainable growth that puts the mind better at ease.

I am not sure that I am always making the “right” decisions, but they have brought us to where we are.

Passion’s drive – whether positive or negative – is what keeps me going to overcome dissatisfaction.

Not a good bed fellow.

A difficult task for a chameleon is to determine when it is safe to show itself. Until then, observers are misdirected regarding its personality.

The chameleon has learned to display “colors” to protect its vulnerability. Being able to shift fluidly between these “states of being” becomes primary.

To not move or act spontaneously became essential for its survival. Attempting to break free of these habits can cause tremendous anxiety.

I couldn’t, wouldn’t – didn’t want to do it just for me. I wanted to make my partner happy.

She kept insisting that he show himself – then realized he was a phantom, all along.

My left ankle has borne the brunt of twisting since I myself was a youngling.

It was long overdue for happening again, and as the walk was ending, a sudden dip-twist in footing got me.

But, I was surprised to also find right next to the site the side of a boulder with grooves cut out that lodged my foot perfectly so that I could stretch it.

It seemed as if it had been placed there as a courtesy!

Gracious, as long as you go with the plan.

Inbred snob-snubbery, once you disagree.

I joked with my youngling yesterday that we are actually “living the dream as we make it.”

We may not have a home of our own, but every year, we used to long to get away to a motel and eat out for the holidays.

By circumstantial decree, we are “getting” to live this life, daily.

Sometimes, it must not be afforded attention.

Finding out that you really, really like something – and then having to abstain from it.

“I would like to work with you. This, I know.”

“What else do you desire of our future interactions?” he queried.

“Honestly, Sir, I do not know you well enough to postulate.”

Does love lead me – or does passion, more?

He said, “Let’s take this slow and see where it goes…”

She replied, “I can’t live enshackled, again!”

“Have we met and spoken before?” she asked, as they extended to shake each other’s hand.

“For if not, I have spoken to so many of your likeness that I no longer know where to begin!”

Sometimes my instincts are right on target.

Other times, they are dulled.

When thwarted, I remain industrious – and avoid the pain which binds.

There’s so much loss to account for.

I just don’t have the time.

It would probably help my deeper healing if I did not have such a strong sense of injustice.

But, some of the pain can only be overcome by receiving the regard of someone who understands and truly loves me.

Self love is limited in what it can provide.

This is just how I am designed.

It was a dirty trick – which left me vulnerable to being taken advantage of by scammers – to have me feel that my heart’s destiny lay with assuredness in a certain direction.

If Angels can see all things, surely they knew better?

Here I am, drawn out of hiding by the pull of a love so strong – and no one greeting to embrace it with me.

I cannot express to quite the level experienced how that pressure put upon me to conform to others’s expectations mitigated my happiness and caused such distress.

Now, when I approach all things, it will be on my terms and to mutual benefits.

No more puppet-on-a-string dancing for me.

It seems that I frequently push myself beyond my limits, to where I find myself slowly positioning myself into bed at the end of each day so as not to pull an already too tight muscle.

My body aches as if it is older and I do not like having to be so careful.

Maybe it is better that I do not have a partner currently. I mean, where is any of this considered “fun?”

And don’t tell me that someone who loves me “would appreciate and accept” me.

I have found the reality to be contrary – and this phrase is over-run.

Making a decision smoothly does not mean it was easy.

It didn’t need to be seen as “a bad thing;” it could just be seen as “a thing.”

I needed to remove myself from the situation because they still had some growing to do.

I did not want to be in the way of it – nor to become a casualty of their learning curve.

We do not have a lot of nice things like special furniture or expensive whatevers.

Pretty much, we have been aiming for functionality and decluttering.

Of course, when we get our own place, a fun part is finding some items for it.

I already picked up an antique wooden chair and two thin, subtly-patterned, Eastern-silken woven rugs.

It’s pretty neat what you can find in second-hand stores.

For little expense, you can improve atmosphere.

The risk may be worth extending where time has proven consistency.

Stating what I want and how I want it puts me in a position where people can see me more clearly.

Proper alliances make the difference.

My goals are to have a harmonious and balanced love and family life with room to expand my creativity, supported by my talents in healing.

It is what we do with the information we are given that determines how we succeed or fail.