Category: Stream of Thought

I was there while I could be.

And though it did not seem like enough, I gave support when needed.

I like that it sounds like what it is.

We must look for and keep searching for what calls to our own truths of spirit.

Rather than accept a substandard role playing counter to a promoted leading lady, I would rather divert my attentions toward promoting my own roles.

(Title quote from “Working Girl”)

Reviewing my life’s circumstances, trends, and calculating probabilities, I have until next summer to ensure something great happens.

The underlying reason I feel “unattractive” by societal standards is because media propagates avoiding representations of truth!

And my standard of being the most authentic, good versions of my self expression (at least when around others – lol) goes directly against this messaging!

No wonder I feel that I am all alone in the world amidst a sea of obscurity, and that I cannot trust others to value me!

Seeing another woman receive such generosity from a partner that they did not put in work for.

Some precious things ought not to be given away so easily due to “beauty” or “status” or “fantasy.”

Or “overcompensation.”

But “truth” is not always seen as attractive.

The complete trust that I extended,
The way I admired and appreciated him:

These are not things to be given again
Without the recipient being match-worthy.

It is hard to feel “good enough” when I have not already developed “industry proficiency.”

It doesn’t feel “substantial” to have raw talent, in whatever stage and form it may be.

How am I supposed to thoroughly detail a car with these injuries?

(Gnashing of teeth while considering)

Step by step, and over many days.

So frustrating!

The countdown for purging internal insanity.

“I am not a great beauty, I am Jane Eyre. And your love is all I need, Edward.”

Too often, we do not express our deepest truths in life as we are living.

I shall pretend that their uncertainty in every step is because I have just come into port from a long sea voyage.

I really love being back into the music scene!

Will there be enough of it to achieve my next great advancements?

Has it taken this long for me to learn enough to now begin doing what I came here to do?

Or has the delay been from time needed to reclaim ground that traumatic events blasted?

I wonder how many artists are, in truth, tormented souls.

Sometimes it is from economic influences.

Sometimes it is from one’s own or another’s choices and behaviors.

And sometimes it is from sheer determination to make a life better for one’s self and their dependents.

“Maybe it’s your side that needs fixing…” with regards to Twin Flame reunions.

But then, the whole Twin Flame relationship seems like a b.s. racket in how its dynamics are set up.

Why be bound to someone spiritually who by splitting off as a half from a whole is possibly no longer alike you in any way?

And what would incentivize them to “rejoin” with you, now that they’ve acquired a new sense of freedom?

(Title play with words)

When it was taken, I was trying out the concept of wearing glasses and had just reached a level of modified stability after recovering from the first bout of homelessness by extreme circumstances.

I was at last feeling a bit recovered then, and that the world was again opening up for me.

I was determined to make the most of it – as can be seen in my hopeful and youth-filled smiling.

I reflect in review how it is said that negative patches in one’s life can be seen over time as just blip-hiccups in the relative scheme of comparative positives.

Yet, it seems that my life’s trends have been full of managing some sort of substantial loss and tragedy.

That being said, I can still hope and reach for someday flipping circumstances to represent more in my favor.

I must learn to become this regarding my own flights of creative-expressive whimsy.

Being a visionary, I tend to observe patterns and realize that I am not in the same “giving to others” capacity as I have been through my earlier adult years.

I am still generous of spirit, observant-empathetic, and lovingly caring, but I now need to carve out space for my own self to exist while attempting to push aside event and circumstantial wreckage.

In other words, it seems that I have a lot of “personal housekeeping” to attend to.

I don’t even want to talk about the lifelong persecution complex I seem to have had plaguing me – it already attempts to divert my attention from what really matters to me!

If I begin creating and producing my own projects and fulfilling my own personal dreams, will the messaging at last recede?

It would be great if this time would last where I am buffered and supported as I recover.

But it has been my experience that grace periods get cut quicker than I could adapt if I relied upon them.

Being with someone on any form of drug that changes original personality seems to make it difficult to bridge communication distortions.

Listening to the leaf blower as she sat in the relative serenity of the open compound courtyard, she reflected upon the quivering inside of her that was learning that it could begin to broaden and slow in its wavelengths.

Being back on a campus now that her children were no longer caught in the ragged throes of their disrupted teens gave her an awareness that the world was truly at last coming to be within her reach.

She had become so used to stopping and being still that her features now would settle as if granite.

How is it even possible and such a struggle for me to feel any self confidence?

I guess I am too busy attending to other things to nourish my own ego.

I mean, what would that process even look like?

Puffing and strutting my stuff in front of a mirror?

Talking nyself up to myself with words of pride and praise?

Maybe I just give out so much energy that only scraps are left for my basic reboot functioning.

And now I am overcompensating due to more injuries.

Why do some people “have it easier” where others seem to not?

It’s all relative, depending upon which angles you examine any given situation.

“I have abilities,” she told him nervously but earnestly.

“I know you do,” he affirmed.

“My confidence is just shakey and insecure because I keep phasing.”

The idea is that God is manifested in our expressions of love and forgiveness.

All the love she had put into him, he then gave to another –

Which is not the best way to show the giver appreciation.

Of love, regard, and virtue.

It seems best to hide one’s insides at times to avoid being ridiculed.

I cut my hair to dissolve entanglements.

Often a facade meant to hide pain.

It is better to be love-starved and alone, than to be in a relationship and still love-starved.

She always started slow and then could outpace the rest once she felt the rhythms of the event and how the others set their paces.

But she turned suddenly from the track, resolute that this race was not one that she was going to finish.

I must be careful about what I form attachments to as I am striving to reach new heights.

That’s it – right there:

I “do not appear to exist.”

Meaning, I am either “just passing through this universe.”

It could also mean that I am “not easily perceived” for my truth of existence.

Or how about most importantly: I am not on this planet to merely exist and do nothing!

My aspirations make a much better story.

The tale of an impish spirit that phased through walls of conformity to prove that love and will’s good intentions are capable of overcoming all obstacles.

It doesn’t need to matter if there is no one to receive or appreciate me.

We must all rise to our own challenges and be our greatest cheerleader.

Just because something mattered at another time does not mean that it still matters today.

Unless someone has a vested interest.

After a lifetime of hiding, it is a delicate process to gain confidence in revealing one’s self – even to one’s self.

Everyone has their own opinions on how their lives should unfold.

I guess mine involves circumnavigating the “fabrics of ‘foundation.'”