Category: Stream of Thought

Vexed, I seek ways to revamp purpose.

I had wanted to pursue a Masters and PhD because I LOVE the educated arts.

I love to wrap myself within knowledge and fashion it to next redefining.

However, the seemingly impentrable blockade that I keep encountering in the way of finishing the last 11 units to my Bachelor’s degree is just ridiculously tiring to keep hacking at.

Once I get grounded in housing again, there likely won’t be ease of time to pursue conventional studies due to the need to keep marketing for income flow, and then performing therapies.

Attending a university for degrees is a time and money expenditure luxury which diverts me from streamlining.

Yes, I WILL finish my Bachelor’s – this bane and most prized quest of completing the societally recognized standard prooving that “I know something.”

But once it is done, “get out of my way!” For the real investigation into play will begin!

“Why show me him if he was not to be mine? Why send me to seek something I can’t find? Was it all a ruse to fit some plan? Is my time for wasting? I don’t understand…”

There must be a “Northern Star” for love to remember itself as real.

“What’s the point of loving someone if they’re attached to someone else?”

Laying down the mantle of attachment to outcome is long overdue as weight is lifted.

It is wonderful to hear that my therapies are deemed among the best – if not THE best – that clients have experienced of similar modalities.

It is necessary for my heart’s breath that I have a man that I can love in my life.

It isn’t the road that wears souls down to their bones, but the questions left unanswered – until we realize that it’s the journey that keeps us company, not the destination.

Seeking my truth.

That, I Am.

Stumbling, and inadvertently making a “fool” out of one’s self.

Down deep into the hidey-hole
The lines become transparent.

What better reason than to love, rather than to destroy?

Once disruption has occurred so many times in one’s life, navigating it becomes the expectation.

A red-and-swollen faced, hanging beer-bellied, shirt-off-in-long-boxerlike-shorts man staggers around outside and then into our hall, hazedly staring at doors while muttering to himself on the verge of blackout unconsciosness as he attempts to find the room that he belongs to.

I dreamed that I was photographing a copse of trees blanketed by snow around their bases.

As I zoomed into a ground junction of trunks, a plump and large, light brown hawk walked right into my focus.

It kept looking at me through the lens as I struggled to make the camera capture images.

But the camera had moved to some advance mode, and I kept trying, scrambling backward, as the hawk began advancing.

I called out to my youngest to help get the camera working properly, desperate to record this strange and wonderful phenomena.

Surprisingly, the hawk did not fly away, and kept approaching – then turned into some form of lean wolf as I scrambled backward into human town territory.

Grubby people in a Dark Ages setting had their varied wild dog breeds tied next to them at multiple outdoor eating benches.

The wolf let came up to me and let me harness its muzzle – then turned into a hound to blend and protect me.

An automatic remnant default response to the feeling of dejection.

I do not feel comfortable about anything right now.

I don’t like exposing my feelings when I do not feel that I am standing on solid ground.

“Solid ground” is a “reality” illusion based upon circumstances “going your way.”

When in a state of deconstruction, what one can count upon feels slippery.

The bruising made her shut down and avoid associated stimulus.

The heart refuses to be buried, once it has found its purpose.

Someone who wholly and fully aligns with who I am at the core. Someone who matches my values, honesty, and loyalty…

Whenever it feels oppressed or suppressed, my love ignites to blast through walls and fly free.

It hurts in whatever form, which takes energy to recover from and down time for nursing wounds – an expenditure that I cannot afford right now.

So we look for housing that has some odds in our favor, and do not apply to the others that would waste labor.

The same can be said for applying for opportunities. They need to have around them the sense of right timing.

Whether in work or love, I do not venture where it seems that I may not be wanted.

When I feel vulnerable, my heart is just too tender.

He followed my Instagram again last night, and when I blocked him, he reported my account to disrupt my service.

A**hole.

The course I have had on Incomplete is due in December.

No more extensions are possible, and if I do not complete it, it likely jeopardizes my ability to finish my Bachelor’s degree.

Rules, policies, “academic progress.”

Do they truly consider it a judgement against personal abilities if continued risk of, and then prolonged homelessness, creates an external circumstantial exacerbation preventing a student’s followthrough?

With the economy such as it currently is, it seems like there should be more flex to the “rules.”

They say that if you want something, you should expand your abilities to achieve it. But sometimes what you want may be a delicate matter, and requires caution to navigate into best position.

It is, perhaps, an expensive luxury to have an “undisciplined” mind. However, having one that is too disciplined can also be a catecombed trap.

It contains the remnants of what once was “goodie.”

Now, say this five times fast.

That I would be desperately combing the streets and pouring over the same ads yielding nothing until my eyes pop and bleed.

But, No.

I cannot afford to waste precious energy.

I miss my freezer pizza, baked hot to dip into ranch – and the ability to make crunchy cookies!

We are successful here.

We can continue to be so.

I must deem it “good enough.”

In the original Dune movie, surviving the test of pain prooves that you are human, rather than animal. So what does that make those of us continually trapped within pain’s suffering?

If my family is unhappy, it is hard for me to concentrate. Being without a home exacerbates.

“I respected him.

Believed in him.

Trusted him

And he turned against me.”

Pain makes me emit energy in waves how I do not want to.

At what point will my neck and shoulder torsion just recallibrate?

I had contacted a friend about finding an agency that would take over and assist the tree’s plight for me.

I did not follow through on this line of inquiry once I received a name and number, nor did I attempt to publicize the issue such as with the brief article I had written.

I just finally figured that the elements associated were complicated enough, and that I had already established myself as the dedicated “midnight run” water advocate.

I did not want to cause a public scene – nor risk being barred from the site by becoming considered as an “agitator.”

The tree was technically on “public domain,” so the best way to retain capability to help it was to continue my role as a “good citizen.”

The tree’s task is to survive independently, and so I dedicated myself to helping it be able to restabilize its damaged root system through the wilting heat of summer, giving it some positive reinforcement to hold on for reaching the ease of fall and the energetic release of being able to go dormant in winter.

I went through the process of thinking through to the best course of action, where many people would have simply walked away from the issue from not initially knowing what they could do.

The tree and I found an agreement that we could both commit to.

I, like Jenny, chose to relinquish my powers as a dragon to remain with the man I loved and care for him as a human.

But, unlike Jenny’s story, in the end “my man” rejected my magic in favor of turning inward to propagate his own “science.”

It is not a joyous experience to give up your heart’s blood to the spear of a beloved one’s negating your core essence.

Will I meet another dragon who will help me claim love’s brilliance?

Creating the lifestyle that will lead me to the lifestyle that I want has been a bit challenging.

The process has required me to analyze various available employment opportunities vs sticking with my current part-time clinic and keeping myself adaptable to wherever I am needed in therapeutic independent contracting.

I have chosen this focus of strategizing to prepare myself for greater opportunities where I may be traveling to assist certain “celebrities.”

I like nurturing wherever I am and traveling to expand concepts and connections.

When it catches up to you, life can seem effortless.

The young pup that was sick died yesterday.

I knew him. He was a good boy.

I tried “settling” in the past with former relationships.

Now I plan for more satisfaction due to better strategy.

The roles we fill may or may not match what we first thought were necessary.

But we may find ourselves in a better place – more so than ever before.

Stating my opinion when I do not agree with something is not necessarily the most productive.

She wondered who she might have been, had she gone through the portal later.

Had this been her sole decision – or had they planned for this, together.

All she knew was that they were at this phase now, and she was in a position to help him.

It is love that fuels me into the future.

What forms it takes are yet to be determined.

A difficult challenge is ignoring the impressions I pick up from this temporary “residence.”

I thrive much better where positivity lends easily its benefit.

When she would begin to panic, the energy in her wing blades would begin to tense and quiver, threatening to erupt another migraine – so she would attempt to divert the energy productively by imagining her body gathering for the leap, and then flying.

Her consciousness went everywhere, making it hard at times to contain and direct it.

It permeated her own mind’s blood-brain barriers like an overpowering diffusion, bleeding into everything.

She had always just existed, transmitting without knowing.

Now that he was present, she was embarrassed to discover how little she had done her mind’s “housekeeping.”

My art is guided by inspiration.

Spirit moves through me, interpreted by my own.