Category: Stream of Thought

It was his choice to leave that first made us homeless.

Now, it is our choice again to hold out for a better arrangement.

Why have those dreams?

Why have sent her those messages?

It had all turned into another great illusion in which she could gain no traction!

I do not want to have to keep processing that which I keep having to process.

I am just tired of continually having my face pressed into it.

“LOOK AT IT!”

Pfft…

What can I do in any direction which will yield the results that I desire?

I have been so busy jumping between work and daily survival requirements that I just last night finally got our mailing address forwarded!

Trying to have supplies in the room so that we can function properly has made an overstim obstacle course to where we cannot function properly.

I felt good about myself – until my investments in others did not pan out.

Being an isolationist has become a necessity, rather than a preference.

Pulling into the self, seeking where no longer entangled by attachment to the unobtainable.

There is no going back, only forward.

The feel again of having their father drive and help coordinate briefly allowed me to reexperience the support that comes from a family having two parents – rather than just one forging a new path for its remnants.

She began to think that the issue was not that we have internal “demons,” but rather that we make sure to do our internal housekeeping so that they do not have anything to use against us.

They, like any other energetic parasite, require resources to feed upon. Therefore, if she gave them a barren table and no longer gave them attention, maybe they would just go away.

On this full moon, the family task is complete and closure on that chapter is underway.

Our efforts were greeted by mild rain instead of thunderstorms after it had snowed, yet crackling cold permeated coat layers.

We all collaborated well and now have retired for rest and warmth to our own respective corners.

People just didn’t seem to be making the kinds of decisions she made, preferring instead to be mainstream predictable.

It wasn’t so much that she was “special” – but why didn’t people realize their opportunities were greater than what they acknowledged?

I look around at common place where
People are valued with wrinkled face

And think to myself how I can trust
That a man I love will stay with me.

If she didn’t know her strengths, they couldn’t break them.

Advancement in age is not something to crumple inward over – but rather the next challenge to face, and rise above.

At men with their limited mindsets, at circumstances that forced contortions – but mostly, at pain that would not abate.

Her crime had been to love him.

She was supposed to have waited for him in the meadow between forests. The animals had told her by whispers that some day, he would come.

But she was forced to decide between their safety and her own, so she sealed off the door to protect them before her own life had begun.

Having been dragged through compromising scenarios in housing, it almost seems better to keep paying exorbitant fees until we can find a place that better suits us.

While generating income is important, home’s hearth and kinship are given greater priority.

The first flush of crossing over the threshhold has been completed in reconnection with select present and past family members to address this final project. Before us now awaits careful navigation through possible snow, rain, and thunderstorms.

This last evening as I left the Trader Joe’s, I went back and gave $20 from a tip I had received to a homeless man huddlng on the walkway against the building in sleeping bags.

It was fecking COLD outside with snow on the ground, and I called to see how late the men’s shelter was open, asking him to please go there so he could be warm.

But, they had closed their doors for the night – although they would have gifted him with an emergency blanket. Also, he told me that the last time he went to one, he got lice in his hair.

I finally said goodnight to him as he had the basics and seemed to have chosen the lifestyle of his care, but it was difficult to relinquish him to his rut’s advantage.

A friend and I “played” with one, and when I held it, the magnetism from my hand seemed to bind it to stillness to prevent clear response.

I guess whatever “power” that I hold, I do not like messing with the Fates nor indulging in “interference.”

One must push beyond their limits
To create their own new paradigm.

I suddenly began crying while driving, due to the memories coming up with prospective reexposure.

Whether merely coincidence timing, or the angels listening, the rain turned into soft down snowing.

He took her hands and said, “It’s better this way.”

She replied by saying only, “Thank you for all that you have done for me.”

“Don’t change the world…
Don’t change a thing, for me.”

(INXS lyrics reference)

Reverting back to her isolated nature, she abdicated expectations and settled into the journey unknown.

I can always learn more, but I know what I know.

It is a sign of great imagination that a vision can lead one forward into a new, improved future.

He went to Cal Poly, San Luis Obispo, too!

Last night, I slept on my right side with left shoulder propped to keep my left neck side happy.

Woke up to it stuck and angry – greeted by another flared migraine.

I work out, go to physical thetapy, and get chiropractic.

But, it just isn’t enough if I’m not getting those tiny support muscles worked out.

Tomorrow, my ex arrives for us to complete a family project for family closure.

I have not seen him for at least 2 years. I can’t remember when last we met.

I hope things go well – and that we can let the demons between us rest.

It took over 2 1/2 months and much deflection of overstim, but I finally locked my keys in the car!

I have been sobbing just now, as I just learned she passed away this August.

“Grease,” “Xanadu” – pick anything and I am sure you would find the sweetest soul singing to you.

She was there for me as a beacon of light, love, and goodness promising hope for tomorrows.

She made it safe for to nurture the purity inside me in a world crackled and gray by decay.

Having one’s heart revealed is not a popular thing. People don’t know what to think of it and can judge improperly.

It seems that authenticity is a rare and beautiful thing – but to hopes in expanding foundations, I must not cling to these finer things.

For having an intended outcome causes others worried to veer away, when all that I have wanted was the chance to sing and play.

Vexed, I seek ways to revamp purpose.

I had wanted to pursue a Masters and PhD because I LOVE the educated arts.

I love to wrap myself within knowledge and fashion it to next redefining.

However, the seemingly impentrable blockade that I keep encountering in the way of finishing the last 11 units to my Bachelor’s degree is just ridiculously tiring to keep hacking at.

Once I get grounded in housing again, there likely won’t be ease of time to pursue conventional studies due to the need to keep marketing for income flow, and then performing therapies.

Attending a university for degrees is a time and money expenditure luxury which diverts me from streamlining.

Yes, I WILL finish my Bachelor’s – this bane and most prized quest of completing the societally recognized standard prooving that “I know something.”

But once it is done, “get out of my way!” For the real investigation into play will begin!

“Why show me him if he was not to be mine? Why send me to seek something I can’t find? Was it all a ruse to fit some plan? Is my time for wasting? I don’t understand…”

There must be a “Northern Star” for love to remember itself as real.

“What’s the point of loving someone if they’re attached to someone else?”

Laying down the mantle of attachment to outcome is long overdue as weight is lifted.

It is wonderful to hear that my therapies are deemed among the best – if not THE best – that clients have experienced of similar modalities.

It is necessary for my heart’s breath that I have a man that I can love in my life.

It isn’t the road that wears souls down to their bones, but the questions left unanswered – until we realize that it’s the journey that keeps us company, not the destination.

Seeking my truth.

That, I Am.

Stumbling, and inadvertently making a “fool” out of one’s self.

Down deep into the hidey-hole
The lines become transparent.

What better reason than to love, rather than to destroy?