Category: Stream of Thought

I help people ascend to next levels – yet seem stuck in limbo without a home.

We mirror, he and I – like my shadow: without compromise.
He represents that part of me struggling to emerge being.
Strange to have found in someone the other half of me.

Hardship seems to be required in order to make great advances.

At some point, it should get easier.

However, if you change tracks, the game is reset and you have to rebuid from zero again.

And again…

And again…

And again…

I have been judging myself too harshly because I am not perfect while going through an incredibly challenging, imperfect and odds-stacked-against-me situation.

It is hilarious that in the striving for more space and ease of functionality, we find ourselves in even less space with more complexity.

My days do not end until long past midnight: there’s so much unforeseen yet to manage.

Something about creating my most recent song dislodged a block for me.

My heart feels more at peace – which has been a long time coming.

I’m beginning to really enjoy myself…

A homeless man on first a bicycle then scooter began arriving outside every evening.

Instead of chasing him away or calling the police, I introduced myself so we would know each other.

Those on the street need safe places to visit to keep them from being exposed to violence, and because they are out in the night time, they help keep an eye out for malarkey.

There is no “heeling” on our walks, just moments of direction and firm persuasion alternating with shared experience.

Acquiring enough gumption to declare one’s position.

More of a guide than a dictate.

Being silent can lend an air of mysterious allegience, whereas speaking any truth can be taken as agreement if people mislabel you.

Ghostbusters reference: dogs pulling me down the stairs while weaving in front of me in patterns threatening to topple

They say it is best to not need someone; to be happy to go it alone; to prize the self above others.

While I agree with some basic healthful tenants of this in that you must know thyself well to have a real chance of creating and maintaining a loving and functional relationship, these extreme dictates seem a bit heavy-handed to me.

(Title poking fun at tenants and myself)

One thing about being a hybrid is that many traits usually ascribed to the elements of my mixture do not accurately describe my tendencies.

When we arrived last year, we needed a base to rest and to get a foothold.

Now, we have advanced employment and need a foundation to build upon.

“I want you ‘here’ – ‘present’ in whatever we do,” she said. “I just can’t be pining while my love is ‘far away’ – like I used to. I need you Real, Solid – Attentiive and Responsive.”

Needs her own den, surrounded by happiness, knowing her children are well cared for.

I would put the “No Trespassing: We are Tired Of Hiding The Bodies” sign on the outside of my bedroom door.

Yeeesss.

(Satisfied chuckling)

My youngling takes such good care of our family of animals that I’d rather they all have the large, bright and happy room together – and I have the small darker one, where I can seclude from any overstim.

“Your happiness is more important than my own – because if you are happy, I am happy.”

Just venting for my soul’s salvation.

There is a certain look that long term residents here have about their appearance that runs consistent across the board, whether male or female. Stress is either trying to kill me or convert me.

Pup in the car kept soft-nosing me with her cute whiskers and my neck kept crimping, shoulders were shoved in bad angles from seat, and light from outside lamps kept burning into my eye holes.

How do you dislodge negative judgment?

I just hurt.

When you are living on the edge, you don’t get to stay within the limits of “normalcy.” And because you are working oitside the parameters of other people’s schedules and expectations, this can increase the feeling of not belonging.

She had this vision, feeling innately driven, ever since she realized who it was from the beginning.

Sense of it began at first as the greatest of all improbabilities, causing severe anxiety and discomfort.

But then, as she began rebuilding her core assertions, she could see the steps form across a rainbow bridge, leading through the air.

Some thematics never change: when you are royalty among vagabonds, it is best to not draw attention.

By being present in this moment, she asserted that they would find a way through – even though the data seemed prohibitive.

Too soon, summer comes to an end.

What fed into system sudden surge endurance?

How to accommodate replenishing while resting?

The Task: Hold ground.

The Game: Strategize for better position.

When a person wants a home, yet circumstances keep ejecting, it seems that wanting something you cannot have has become delusional.

These days, holding to one’s ideals and not “selling out” is considered as such.

It is nearly impossible for anyone to truly claim they have designed themselves without there having been some outside influence assisting.

However, it is what we choose to do with the stimulus that keeps us low – or takes us to greatness.

She had to learn how to fight in order to protect herself and those she loved.

I got to speak with a younger sibling last night who has grown in ways that I am so proud of.

They had loving, wise words of encouragement for me. It felt good to share and be seen as valid.

If I knew this would all lead to you, would I relax more and just let it happen?

It is supposed to be a survival trait that adult behaviors naturally imprint upon children, thereby ensuring productive continuance of the human race.

However, it is a flaw within our society that we do not give more support to struggling families – and thus propagate dysfunction that does not abate.

No buffers and others making mistakes that affect me directly do not help my feeling in control of things – especially financially.

The main type that I am is that I try hard while pushing at barriers to make things happen when they need to.

Is happiness something we can always come home to? Or is it fleeting like clouds on the wind.

Partners make room for and include each other in their lives.

Hey.

You out there.

I love you.

I have survived by capitalizing upon words spoken and fashioning them into new meaning for my own mantras toward better beginnings.

I had not realized how much some of their songs have plugged into my heart and kept me soaring.

“Radio Ga Ga,” for example, has some amazing chords and harmonies.

“Someone still loves you…”

I keep thinking that I need to stay “grounded” although my wings keep aching to fly.

But when I commit, others do not to the same degree – and I have to ask myself, “Why?”

(Double meanings)

As a woman born in the 70’s, I have experienced many rapid changes in societal perception of what a female’s role can and should be.

However, how I chose to proceed in my previous relationships was even more innovative by groundbreaking degrees.

It should not be surprising that I long to “settle down” and live a life more traditionally, given trends of disruption and tragedy.

However, what that actually looks like and means – to this, I still bring flexibility.

What dynamics are possible in good partnering where we best intertwine connection and individuality?