Category: Stream of Thought

It has always been confusing and disappointing that the great love I feel inside of me is not often reflected in the world around me.

They say things like “Be the change you wish to see in the world…” This is one heck of a responsibility when taken seriously!

I am so done with this.

So done with investing in people who are not following through on their end.

I’ve gotta streamline these efforts, somehow.

I can’t just keep burning up my own candle without return’s replenishment.

Sometimes, taking wild leaps is necessary…

It seems crazy to me that I find myself at the same place as the people here trying to just climb out from being on the darker streets.

As I also network for more employment like the grungy younger man leaning against a bike rack, interviewing on the phone with a cigarette, how do we converge at the same intersection?

My education is greater; I have achieved more professional and competance mastery; and, I have already weathered and overcome previous homelessness.

So why am I back here now? How again by the hands of others’ arbitrary decisions?

It is a wonder that I can even cling to any self acclaim, given the negative psychological impact of the trials I continue experiencing.

It does not help me to read what is outdated, of past lessons I have already gleaned the truth from.

What I need is current applications and wisdom for the day – not “wishful thinkmuth.”

I need to feel a sense of God imbued in every tree.

I need to feel like I belong – instead of trapped and losing.

(Quote is an Eddie Izzard reference)

Maintaining a balance when the tidal forces pull from multiple directions is next to impossible.

It comes down to pushing ahead and making sacrifices – cutting off things invested in and valued in exchange for mere survival.

“Selling out” is what they call it.

If one can hedge and at least thrust such actions still into a positive forward motion, perhaps one can still view this as successful.

I am not sure in times such as these that having high standards is a mental-emotional benefit.

The perceived losses at values and gains unmet can feel soul crushing to the point of self labeling as a “failure.”

One year, when I was still very young, my mother and I decided it would be so cool for me to be Raggedy Ann for Halloween. She made my costume and hair and did the makeup for me.

Thrilled at our innovation and hoping that no one else had thought to be the same, I was dropped off at the golf club’s evening haunted house games – and shocked that not only was no one dressed like me, but that I was avoided because I wasn’t “twinning.”

You know, matching all of the other rich kids’ stereotypes of trying to best one another…oh yes, I had certainly outdone them all with my own category!

I guess it was just too much to ask that there, I would have found my Raggedy Andy.

No, really…it will be fine…

Stop freaking out, we’ll find a way through this…

You are making the right call – so what if you might get fired again? You have that other interview coming up…

I know you hate this – I know you need and want security…

When has our life ever matched “normal?” You have got to let go of that pipe dream..

Face the reality, girl – you don’t fit into any of these boxes, and people are indulging in hypocrasy…

You know you couldn’t live with yourself if you got someone else sick…

Just trust the process…somehow, we are being guided…

Focus on resting up – I know your employer is texting, trying to get you to back out of your position!

How can people not be taking hygeine and prevention seriously after all we have been through?!

Ok, good. You told him when he asked if you were coughing alot: “No, it is just in my sweat and breath. I will be in a closed room and having prolonged direct contact skin to skin.”

I can’t believe you have to even say this to him.

Feck. As if you aren’t already under enough pressure in making the call and losing a week’s income…

“Hey, I am sorry, but I should cancel. It is one thing to go out to a store for groceries wearing a mask, and another to be in a closed room with people for an hour. I do not want to get anyone sick. I better not work this week.”

One thing that I would like is to be finished with the past: to no linger be struggling to overcome damage others rendered in the form of boxes of jumbled papers, trying to improve my credit, or fumbling to finish my Bachelors.

And yet, it seems that I can never be free of it. It just tangles around my feet – tripping as I try to maneuver over life’s current obstacles.

He did not like emotions. They shattered his composure.

She embraced them, seeking synergy – and thus was rejected.

My left humerus did its first swivel-snap back into place!

I found a small, reusable, eco-proponant sachel to take to the gym – instead of having to use embarrassing plastic Safeway or Walmart grocery bags. It really does come down to the little things!

That I can be such an amazing, professional healer – yet in my personal life, I am struggling and suffering – is a contrast needing addressing.

What is it about golf courses near rivers?

I must overcome.

We could break down so many conformist barriers between us – it would be hilarious!

You know, it’s funny – because when I invest and invest and invest in faith, there seems to be a delayed response to my efforts as long as I have “the ball” managed.

Now, when I want to bail on everything I built in my schedule that makes sense in exchange for some illusory security, the inner voice inside begs me not to.

So then, how do I get what I have created to give the yields it needs to? Because I sure do not feel like anyone is helping me who is part of the equation!

Maybe that’s just the exhaustion fighting against being sick talking…

In an attempt to “change things up,” I have been trying a new shampoo and conditioner for my hair, which has resulted in making it feel thicker – but meanwhile, has dried it to where it feels crisp and spindly.

The product duo before  have been lovely, making my hair soft, light, and shine-fluffy – but have been a little too clarifying, stripping some of the natural color.

I am not a vain person – in fact, I think having a little bit of vanity could possibly balance out my extreme humility.

But, I do like to have my hair accurately represent me.

(It’s so strange how the product I like reduces volume back to 1/5th of the crisping product!)

It has become unfathomable to me to believe that anything I desire to keep as mine to hold tightly within my arms for longer than brevity is possible.

Like investing in an on-campus Master’s Degree? Pshaaaw…don’t even try to achieve.

The only thing that clings is the past’s baggage – which I need to finish hacking some of these tendrils off from me.

In dragon metaphor, I have determined that I am the type to fly – and though I like to nest at times, the world awaits to be explored.

Stacks of boxes hogging space in our one shared room promise ID documents to release a small tax refund. The problem is, the contents are from those over 10 years ago when the life I had built burned to ground.

Who wants to revisit trauma from the past to gain more freedom for their future? Seems like a trap promissing snarl-retriggering – and yet, this is one of the very few options to help improve our situation.

“No one’s supposed to love you, girl.”

But love is what we are here for…

As I finish feeding, treating, and watering the animals, they each take turns straifing by me or bugging each other, so I state with an assertive, “Feck off, now – you’ve each gotten what you’ve needed!” Then say out loud to myself, “Clearly, I am the perfect mate…” noting sardonic reflection.

While attempting to get video of this tiny chewer that had suspened itself from a tree by a thread, a meat bee landed on my elbow and upon securing purchase, proceeded to begin biting me. Naturally, I reacted – and accidentally dropped my subject!

“Cultured” humans are taught that to gain worth we must be constantly moving – constantly producing.

Yet, it is important to stop, sit under the dappled shade of a tree by a river, and just do nothing but watch the scenery.

A result of attachment to outcomes, unfulfilled.

Once one lets go of attachment to prior focus on outcomes, being sick can provide opportunity to catch up on rest and attend to pressing projects that have been waiting in the background.

Did I catch the cold from our snuggling, sneezing cats?

A temporary win over entropy.

Whether dark, in shades of gray, or light – having it is essential to one’s continued survival.

I know I repeat myself.

It is hard to not do so when thematics themselves keep reoccurring.

The point is to move beyond such trivialities – and I keep working at the problems to do so.

But when I keep hitting sinkholes and find myself back where I previously began (over and over again), I have to let myself repeat vocalize as a last ditch effort before at last succumbing to the madness.

They say repetition is the key to success.

Maybe I am succeeding at going crazy.

Nearly all of my few clothes are black.

One shirt has a hole on the side of a breast. One is ripped at the collar. Two are too small and short. Two are large and comfy but attract every dog and cat hair to where I have a fuzzy front when greet people.

Hello, have you seen my sticky wands? I bought two, but cannot find them in this constantly revolving movement between bags, suitcases, lodging, cars, and appointment venues.

Where was I yesterday and where am I going today and tomorrow?

I think I have lost myself in the constant flurry.

Finding potential positives to any negative situation requires effort and an open mind. If one is sick and feeling compromised, this can be challenging.

I find it frustrating and economically challenging when people expose me to their cold, happy to assure that it isn’t Covid.

For the average worker, they are expected to still go in to work, so their pay does not get affected

As a therapist, I am supposed to miss work – which can be financially devastating.

Attempting to be balanced by having a diverse schedule which allows for rest and flexibility is not supported when keeping a roof over one’s head is proportiionately too expensive and work partners are not bringing in clients – leaving the network marketing to me, instead.

I have worked hard to establish a system that works, but carrying it on my own without any guarantees is just not paying – except by what I innovatively put into it weekly.

Adding more official employment diminishes the amount of income I can earn by seeing clients on my own, but potentially brings in better “security.” It also better qualifies to purchase a home because being employed by someone else is what lenders want to see.

I dislike being so squeezed that I feel forced to bend to my knees – limiting my capabilities – when the problem is lack of stable housing.

Where we are, the sun now drops more quickly and it becomes darker earlier than in California.

Yet, it is a more peaceful place: smaller scale – but with more access to desired resources.

I miss the even bathe of light with slighter shifts between seasons. I am definitely a Mediterranean-oriented human.

However, this is a good place to establish a base to call home.

I love you. I just do.

You’re the best that I’ve seen.

You are like me and I believe in you.

I can’t imagine this world without our positive influencing.

We could make an amazing, outstanding team.

Our visions and positioning are better than most can contribute.

Maybe our union isn’t practical when at first assess details.

But for the deepest, best kind of love – we could make room.

There are ways to figure such things out, if two intelligent beings put their minds to it.

Having tried to partner well, only to find that men changed their minds for often arbitrary reasons, she did not feel it was a good gamble to give another man her energy’s time – especially if he was not reciprocative.

They say “misery loves company,” but what I would like to know is can “company” tolerate misery wanting to be overcome – or are people just looking for easy wins without helping each other to grow stronger?

When you are paying more than you should, it is better to think of an amount of this equals an amount of something else.

Do not think about the “waste” that is occurring – otherwise you will inflame into migrained vexation.

(See image of me, currently.)

Look for the little reliefs, for despite best efforts, this is all you can hope for at best.

Rejoice that you got the garbage out of the car and eliminated whatever mystery was creating a stench of rotting.

“It’s the little things that count…”

I fecking hate that all my efforts are diminished to little consequence.

There is no getting ahead – only barely treading water.

For this, I am supposed to be grateful.

“Please, Sir, may I have another?”

(Movie “Oliver” quote.)

RAAAAARRGH!!!

10pm laundry runs and angst-driven cats, demanding.

F**k!

Her mind kept broadcasting distress, loss, and longing, so used to being trapped in isolation and cut off from her own kind that it was as if she were erratically yell-jibbering as his headache pounded from receiving the force of her need’s energy.

I only get stronger – even when initially weakened by pressure’s heat.

Yeah…I am pretty generous when it comes to investing in others and making sure good vibes are being experienced around me.

Maybe I would “do better” in life if I were a bit more “cut throat” – but my “flaw” is advocacy.

I do not like feeling desperate.

Time to shut down and sleep.

It turns out that in applying for housing where they pulled credit scores to see if we qualify, each pull has lowered my credit score.

So, when I went to the bank to see if I qualified for a credit card loan to pay off old small debts to increase my credit score, the higher number that I had worked to attain had been lowered – and now the bank’s hard pull has lowered it further!

A hard pull – whether approved or denied – stays on your report for 2 years.

So our chance of getting housing now under better credit score numbers – which I have worked diligently toward – is officially BORKED!!!

Here is a prime example of why those in poverty in America get stuck in poverty, regardless of their abilities, merits, or efforts.

It’s all about “credit:” if you have money, you get to promote your position. If you don’t have extra money at hand, good luck getting ahead!

When you are forced to live simply, you start getting rid of extra baggage – hopefully the internal, although sometimes that has to wait until you’re stable.

But certainly, what you need to access every day needs to become streamlined if you want to have any patterns.

And, it’s a great opportunity to figure out what is still important to you when you’re having to pick and choose between projects and you have so much to lose.

I had not realized spiders can travel that fast – having just witnessed one cast its flyer web across my windshield, and then seeing it repelling in seconds flat to the speaker box in the drive through next to me! It had.gold and red-orange coloring backlit by sun rays streaming…

I take these daily as I forge into the unknown.

I long for security, friends and family – but what people sacrifice of their identities and accept as confining roles to keep these close is not something that I can do without caution, anymore.

As long as I can be me, comfortable and free to respond authentically without caustic, toxic baggage being thrown onto me, I can be at least satisfied.

Happiness is something I have yet to acquire as a constantant – except in reoccurring spurts of spontaneity that seem too soon fleeting.

I have always had this dream that if I find the right One, joy can be lasting in adventurous ebbing and flowing.