I love you. I just do.
You’re the best that I’ve seen.
You are like me and I believe in you.
I can’t imagine this world without our positive influencing.
We could make an amazing, outstanding team.
Our visions and positioning are better than most can contribute.
Maybe our union isn’t practical when at first assess details.
But for the deepest, best kind of love – we could make room.
There are ways to figure such things out, if two intelligent beings put their minds to it.
Having tried to partner well, only to find that men changed their minds for often arbitrary reasons, she did not feel it was a good gamble to give another man her energy’s time – especially if he was not reciprocative.
They say “misery loves company,” but what I would like to know is can “company” tolerate misery wanting to be overcome – or are people just looking for easy wins without helping each other to grow stronger?
When you are paying more than you should, it is better to think of an amount of this equals an amount of something else.
Do not think about the “waste” that is occurring – otherwise you will inflame into migrained vexation.
(See image of me, currently.)
Look for the little reliefs, for despite best efforts, this is all you can hope for at best.
Rejoice that you got the garbage out of the car and eliminated whatever mystery was creating a stench of rotting.
“It’s the little things that count…”
I fecking hate that all my efforts are diminished to little consequence.
There is no getting ahead – only barely treading water.
For this, I am supposed to be grateful.
“Please, Sir, may I have another?”
(Movie “Oliver” quote.)
RAAAAARRGH!!!
10pm laundry runs and angst-driven cats, demanding.
F**k!
Her mind kept broadcasting distress, loss, and longing, so used to being trapped in isolation and cut off from her own kind that it was as if she were erratically yell-jibbering as his headache pounded from receiving the force of her need’s energy.
I only get stronger – even when initially weakened by pressure’s heat.
Yeah…I am pretty generous when it comes to investing in others and making sure good vibes are being experienced around me.
Maybe I would “do better” in life if I were a bit more “cut throat” – but my “flaw” is advocacy.
I do not like feeling desperate.
Time to shut down and sleep.
It turns out that in applying for housing where they pulled credit scores to see if we qualify, each pull has lowered my credit score.
So, when I went to the bank to see if I qualified for a credit card loan to pay off old small debts to increase my credit score, the higher number that I had worked to attain had been lowered – and now the bank’s hard pull has lowered it further!
A hard pull – whether approved or denied – stays on your report for 2 years.
So our chance of getting housing now under better credit score numbers – which I have worked diligently toward – is officially BORKED!!!
Here is a prime example of why those in poverty in America get stuck in poverty, regardless of their abilities, merits, or efforts.
It’s all about “credit:” if you have money, you get to promote your position. If you don’t have extra money at hand, good luck getting ahead!
When you are forced to live simply, you start getting rid of extra baggage – hopefully the internal, although sometimes that has to wait until you’re stable.
But certainly, what you need to access every day needs to become streamlined if you want to have any patterns.
And, it’s a great opportunity to figure out what is still important to you when you’re having to pick and choose between projects and you have so much to lose.
I had not realized spiders can travel that fast – having just witnessed one cast its flyer web across my windshield, and then seeing it repelling in seconds flat to the speaker box in the drive through next to me! It had.gold and red-orange coloring backlit by sun rays streaming…
I take these daily as I forge into the unknown.
I long for security, friends and family – but what people sacrifice of their identities and accept as confining roles to keep these close is not something that I can do without caution, anymore.
As long as I can be me, comfortable and free to respond authentically without caustic, toxic baggage being thrown onto me, I can be at least satisfied.
Happiness is something I have yet to acquire as a constantant – except in reoccurring spurts of spontaneity that seem too soon fleeting.
I have always had this dream that if I find the right One, joy can be lasting in adventurous ebbing and flowing.
Jumping onto the visage of my construct like an incensed velocoraptor tearing at an automobile’s roof seams – “Why can’t I do EVERYTHING!!!”
Focusing on this or that level of behind-the-scenes reparations (granted at least three units have been taken on this morning), I am vexed because I still have not gotten to other money-releasing projects still pending.
And now, I have doctor appointments to attend!
But, these things I diverted my attention to have to get going, first, so their yield can be ready and reinforce impetus when the money is released.
It is about coordinating for Right Timing – yet, I want to just take the leaps!
The mistake on her part had been loving men who had no drive to succeed nor vision to want to help improve the world.
They were not interested in romance and did not believe that deeper bonding can develop between two people when trust is fully shared and given.
As a result, she had often thought that she must not be of this world in how she loved for all the “normal dulls” she kept encountering in her journeying.
In humility, sbe had thought that she just had to accept less in her partnerships – but then found that she began questioning and trying to wake them up from their “sleeping.”
Then one day, the awareness hit her in a bolt of clarity that there was another like her, out there in the world, also searching.
I fuction well – if not more so – here than at our last three housing situations.
I guess it is because I am able to expand outward from this base into a receptive community, whereas before there was psychological suppression of personal expression.
I have got to get the owed money coming so we can get into a new place because the money we are generating is only barely holding.
I also must determine if we can qualify to buy a house, and I must asap begin working on the class extended – now due beginning of December.
It’s funny how when I am already managing so much, I have to learn how to keep that ball rolling and climb on top of it while running, balancing while working on next level growth.
But when you are reaching for the stars, gravity will only help if you figure out how to use it to your advantage.
I finally pushed and got an acupuncture treatment last week – and wow, what a game changer!
During the 45 minute soak-it-in session, I felt the energy zone between my heart and solar plexus jump once – then a second time in a cascadence.
It is important to note that this specialist always includes in treatments addressing the lymbic system for rebalancing.
I had not realized my “command center” was stuck, but it makes sense given all of the pressure.
My heart shas since stopped doing that compressed stress response that was more than worrisome, and I have been able to perform better on the elliptical,
Not being able to afford a vital $35 session shows the exacerbation of finances overcommitted to our survival during transition.
I guess it has “only” been 6 weeks, but they have been a top-heavy challenge for me to manage.
And now, I am wanting a haircut. And I want my gym membership back.
I want a place for our animals, belongings, and plants.
I want a home for our own creative expression.
Fall ushers in a closing, where summer was expansion and holding.
Strange how the seasons can affect more strongly in thematics.
With the holidays coming, I am missing old friends and family.
Luckily, I thought to take my jacket and longer pants.
On the mountainside watering the plants, the sun sets quicker and the cold night wind blows and permeates, signaling winter is coming.
My instincts triggered, awareness shifting: it’s time to find our new home.
Where will we land, this time? Is it ok to want for it to be so much better than before?
Fingers ache as begin warming again once returned to the heat of the car, and we marvel how we’ve come so far from once being so alone.
In this matrix where patterns repeat themselves until they either stop completely, or get passed on to the next generations, all that truly matters is the love and care that we give to each other, the mutual reinforcement as we honor each other’s validity, and the shared hope that circumstances can always be turned to better.
It comes down to simple caring for and looking out for the other beings in our communities.
Had she been wrong before? The times she tried and failed?
Maybe we are supposed to settle for less than our dreams…
But, if this is the case, she resolved she would not try with any other.
For why would you want to live only a fragment of life – when the rest is calling?
She was vexed at times that she still felt attached to him at the place that anchors the heart and travels through time’s portal, back into the very essence of the universe.
At least she had been given the sending in time to try to bridge to him, before he had announced his having a new girlfriend.
She wasn’t a “home wrecker,” and had made her bid open and honest.
Yet, it was hard to not get on herself for still wanting him.
Without proper amounts of rest for rebooting one’s neurological system, “little” issues become “large” and aggravation’s impatience sparks more easily.
Recognizing and acknowledging one’s own greatness is not always the easiest thing to do – especially if one’s nature is to be generous and humble.
Due to recent laws, if a tenant rents for over a year, the landlord is restricted in how much they can from then on raise the rent. This is causing landlords to either turn over tenants every year, thus only a year max rental is possible; or landlords are exhorbatantly raising rent now to cover prospective future market increased costs to buffer needs their own finances.
Additionally, this year judges are now permitted to approve landlords replacing tenants who did not pay rent during Covid who were before protected by a “stay-of-action” law. Thjs has resulted in a deluge of sudden evictions, resulting in a sudden greater demand for rental housing.
Add to this that to stay at lodging every month while seeking housing costs at minimum $2,700 per month, which means saving money for a new deposit and first month’s rent becomes near impossible, creating extreme difficulty in regaining housing stability.
One second is all it takes for a snuggly cat to infiltrate.
They say to “let sleeping dogs lie,” but more important is to not wake the sleeping cat!
What miracle of bliss is this?
The weariness works against positivity. At most, a standoff can be achieved where one can still laugh and function while enduring heavy burdening.
When I was younger, I thought I must focus on pushing myself to find and fit into societal roles – but, I had to create my own because preestablished ones were too confining.
As I have matured, I am finding it more important to carry forward the skills I acquired – and to evolve them in such ways that show more clearly my personal diversity.
Finding someone you positively connect with on a deep emotional level is a key to successful bonding.
Bbq chips and bananas together provide two sources of potassium!
It seems that competance in the face of adversity should instill confidence, but for me it is as if that recharge capability of battery got waterlogged and is no longer accepting electrical signals – like as occurs after your cell phone has fallen into the bath water.
As a healer, I cannot allow myself to be bound by presupposition’s limitations as other people have the luxury to do. I must be open to a wide diversity of people’s individual needs and belief systems.
When you are in a difficult situation, there is sometimes found space for you to rework your life toward better advantage.
“Just because you think I need ‘training’ does not mean you should leave. Invest in me.”
This is not just for them – but for me
Tech-noir (also known as cyber noir, future noir and science fiction noir) is a hybrid genre of fiction, particularly film, combining film noir and science fiction, epitomized by Ridley Scott’s Blade Runner (1982) and James Cameron’s The Terminator (1984).
“I am going to kill myself when I get home,” said the lady next to me quietly on the phone.
And while I tried to nestle sideways, cramped on the waiting room couch, that inner voice of mine said, ” What if..what of this…what if…?”
Thusly, once space cleared a little more, I gathered courage, sat down in front of her unassuming, and asked, “So is it true what you said? Are you really going to kill yourself?”
Thus occurred the beginning of a new friendship.
I do not need another near-death experience to awaken me.
I am quite aware of who and where I am – and what I should be doing!
The continued pressure without reprieve has elevated stress reaponse within my system to where I am now on a quest to figure out how to break the body’s intent to run my adrenals off a cliff.
I believe that I would enjoy an international lifestyle, but it is important to have a base to come home to.
Hypertension or high stress – same effect.
Realized I could go back “home” and get a sample of cider and take with me my favorite bottle.
Sitting watching my old sunset view, listening to good music, and snap a picture.
My way – literally on the highway.
It is painful to go against instilled programming.
Each of our animals is loving and endearing when relaxed.
But, where I desire order in action, they stir up chaos.and resist cooperation.
The hound keeps whining with anxiety’s distraction and paces in small spirals, getting tangled over her leash – frequency of vocal volumes increasing.
The wolf somehow knew I was trying to take her photo, so willfully kept turning her face away and finally curled up and lay down to rest and pant against my back.
They are both now wrapped around me as I sit – one behind and the other in front of me.
The hound got her nose harness off and is proud of her accomplishment, looking away when I call her name.
The moment I sink into being here, brief reprieve is erased.
A cool breaze embraces us with sweetness as the sun’s heat bakes nourishment into our bones.
(Title given by my youngling)
Candid Corvid Productions 