Category: Stream of Thought

When I am sick, the process becomes a requisite shoving me nose-to-nose with all of the negative messaging being carried in my body that I have been trying to avoid.

I began experiencing a breakdown in my barriers when we moved into a larger house back in 2007 and our master bedroom did not have enclosed walls.

It was on the upper floor and the rest of the house had no carpeting, so the sound from everywhere traveled up to where we were resting.

I could never get a “reset,” and thus stress began compounding while I was experiencing the relationship’s downsliding.

Ultimately, there was nothing I could do to stop its destruction and save the union because the issue was never about me.

Since then, I have only regained a thin veneer barrier that is shakey at best in tolerance.

Heats as it elevates blood pressure’s temperature, helping to burn out viruses and false prophets’ messages.

To squeeze myself into the limited sized-boxes of other people’s dreams is just not going to be enough for me!

I am trying to no longer look at the numbers – or rather, no longer look them up. Chasing them around adds too much mental freneticism.

I have already investigated so many of the many times certain sets repear so that I pretty much know the overall messaging that I am looking for.

The numbers “tell me” that I am loved and that good energies have my back; that my soul mate/twin flame is on his way, ready to interact; and that I am about to gain rewards and abundance for all of my past and present hard work efforts.

You know, the usual desired “basics” that we want and need to have confirmed – but may or may not be about to happen.

Religious doctrines would give reasons for all suffering, but I find these reasons so outdated and unsatisfying.

I mean – really? Nothing has been upgraded? Just the same old rules over the same old paradigmical thinking is still seen as acceptable?

To me, if God has been silent for so long, it just seems that “He” has given us enough tools to fashion our own better tools for expanding to a better series of equational interactions.

Humans are not supposed to become passive and stagnate – and we are certainly not supposed to allow ourselves to regress. We are supposed to grow and evolve our capabilities.

She had been there, among them, but her mother was a renegade refuting class structure and status – and she got pulled along, behind her.

He hailed me as his energy burst into the sunlight, eager to help me get set up and established and inquiring with animation on how it was going.

I can’t explain how his energy affects me, except to say that it is the right frequency that answers the question to Everything – as if I have been waiting for him.

She was there with him in the dark, broad antechamber.

She could be, because her background met all of the “right” qualifications.

I believe this is what they call “priveledge.”

A free pass, not based upon integrity.

A mourning dove cooed outside in the front yard.

My ego, pride, and drive cannot stand that I am this position – again.

Some say introversion is due to being shy, timid, or unsure.

But, I remember a time when I was very young that I ran around bold under the hot sun, bare feet pounding over scorching pebbled concrete, without my shirt on.

I felt at one with the planet, stars, and moon. I was a wildling born to rule – and it was the sun’s job to bake me and heat my bones, making me stronger.

Nature was there to guide and teach me. The orchards were full of the plumpest, sweetest, juice-flowing fruits to nourish me.

Then, darkness descended, ruled by a shadow man who infiltrated and puppeted those grown too weak in their psychology by broken diligence.

I became silent because I was told that if I spoke, someone would hurt me. Trying to break the habit released terror into the bloodstream.

Don’t move. Don’t breath. “Don’t speak a word to me.” Freezing up was a way of survival from when Man hunted me.

The way of the wolf – alone in solitude’s contemplation – has provided sanctuary. I learned how to fashion my own life and rules outside of captivity.

And now, that bright child inside and the strong woman that I have become want to emerge fully into this reality.

I reached out this morning to a success coach at my university because I have this deadline approaching to complete a course I put on hold from last Fall (due in December) – and there is no way that I can meet it with my current life circumstances’ mental-emotional programming set in motion, dancing to the tune of my hind brain’s freaked out gibberring.

There is this messaging imbedded somewhere that when life circumstances are hard – or when I have children, or when I am in a relationship – that I am “not allowed” to be who I truly am and want to be in my natural expression, and I am “not allowed” to pursue activities I want in order to improve my skill sets and/or just enjoy myself and have fun “playing.”

This is where being by nature a devoted, loving, and obedient human being has worked directly against me: wanting to honor others (as well as trying to avoid past erraticly harsh judgements and punishments pummelled onto me) put me in a state of constant self-contorting and denial of my own needs to where now, deep in my psychology, it has come to the dictate that caring for my self expression is “harmful and irresponsible” if I truly care for others.

It’s part of a pre-programmed self-condemnation system from past parental and authority-type figures having done their best to suppress and top-down me.

I am “allowed” to choose others over myself – but not myself over others. And if I choose myself in any way, I am a horrible, selfish, and definitely unworthy-of-appreciation, love, or affection person that should be kicked to the streets.

Thus explains why I am sufferring so much in this situation of being without a home. “It all came true,” you see? I chose to be Good to others as well as care for myself, instead of what they tried to make me be – and here is my reward.

“I belong on the streets.”

From abuse, neglect, direct violence – or even others’ arbitrary decisions – it is hard for a soul to not become stamped by resultant impingement on their confidence when it has become the target or recipient of others’ such propagations.

It has always been confusing and disappointing that the great love I feel inside of me is not often reflected in the world around me.

They say things like “Be the change you wish to see in the world…” This is one heck of a responsibility when taken seriously!

I am so done with this.

So done with investing in people who are not following through on their end.

I’ve gotta streamline these efforts, somehow.

I can’t just keep burning up my own candle without return’s replenishment.

Sometimes, taking wild leaps is necessary…

It seems crazy to me that I find myself at the same place as the people here trying to just climb out from being on the darker streets.

As I also network for more employment like the grungy younger man leaning against a bike rack, interviewing on the phone with a cigarette, how do we converge at the same intersection?

My education is greater; I have achieved more professional and competance mastery; and, I have already weathered and overcome previous homelessness.

So why am I back here now? How again by the hands of others’ arbitrary decisions?

It is a wonder that I can even cling to any self acclaim, given the negative psychological impact of the trials I continue experiencing.

It does not help me to read what is outdated, of past lessons I have already gleaned the truth from.

What I need is current applications and wisdom for the day – not “wishful thinkmuth.”

I need to feel a sense of God imbued in every tree.

I need to feel like I belong – instead of trapped and losing.

(Quote is an Eddie Izzard reference)

Maintaining a balance when the tidal forces pull from multiple directions is next to impossible.

It comes down to pushing ahead and making sacrifices – cutting off things invested in and valued in exchange for mere survival.

“Selling out” is what they call it.

If one can hedge and at least thrust such actions still into a positive forward motion, perhaps one can still view this as successful.

I am not sure in times such as these that having high standards is a mental-emotional benefit.

The perceived losses at values and gains unmet can feel soul crushing to the point of self labeling as a “failure.”

One year, when I was still very young, my mother and I decided it would be so cool for me to be Raggedy Ann for Halloween. She made my costume and hair and did the makeup for me.

Thrilled at our innovation and hoping that no one else had thought to be the same, I was dropped off at the golf club’s evening haunted house games – and shocked that not only was no one dressed like me, but that I was avoided because I wasn’t “twinning.”

You know, matching all of the other rich kids’ stereotypes of trying to best one another…oh yes, I had certainly outdone them all with my own category!

I guess it was just too much to ask that there, I would have found my Raggedy Andy.

No, really…it will be fine…

Stop freaking out, we’ll find a way through this…

You are making the right call – so what if you might get fired again? You have that other interview coming up…

I know you hate this – I know you need and want security…

When has our life ever matched “normal?” You have got to let go of that pipe dream..

Face the reality, girl – you don’t fit into any of these boxes, and people are indulging in hypocrasy…

You know you couldn’t live with yourself if you got someone else sick…

Just trust the process…somehow, we are being guided…

Focus on resting up – I know your employer is texting, trying to get you to back out of your position!

How can people not be taking hygeine and prevention seriously after all we have been through?!

Ok, good. You told him when he asked if you were coughing alot: “No, it is just in my sweat and breath. I will be in a closed room and having prolonged direct contact skin to skin.”

I can’t believe you have to even say this to him.

Feck. As if you aren’t already under enough pressure in making the call and losing a week’s income…

“Hey, I am sorry, but I should cancel. It is one thing to go out to a store for groceries wearing a mask, and another to be in a closed room with people for an hour. I do not want to get anyone sick. I better not work this week.”

One thing that I would like is to be finished with the past: to no linger be struggling to overcome damage others rendered in the form of boxes of jumbled papers, trying to improve my credit, or fumbling to finish my Bachelors.

And yet, it seems that I can never be free of it. It just tangles around my feet – tripping as I try to maneuver over life’s current obstacles.

He did not like emotions. They shattered his composure.

She embraced them, seeking synergy – and thus was rejected.

My left humerus did its first swivel-snap back into place!

I found a small, reusable, eco-proponant sachel to take to the gym – instead of having to use embarrassing plastic Safeway or Walmart grocery bags. It really does come down to the little things!

That I can be such an amazing, professional healer – yet in my personal life, I am struggling and suffering – is a contrast needing addressing.

What is it about golf courses near rivers?

I must overcome.

We could break down so many conformist barriers between us – it would be hilarious!

You know, it’s funny – because when I invest and invest and invest in faith, there seems to be a delayed response to my efforts as long as I have “the ball” managed.

Now, when I want to bail on everything I built in my schedule that makes sense in exchange for some illusory security, the inner voice inside begs me not to.

So then, how do I get what I have created to give the yields it needs to? Because I sure do not feel like anyone is helping me who is part of the equation!

Maybe that’s just the exhaustion fighting against being sick talking…

In an attempt to “change things up,” I have been trying a new shampoo and conditioner for my hair, which has resulted in making it feel thicker – but meanwhile, has dried it to where it feels crisp and spindly.

The product duo before  have been lovely, making my hair soft, light, and shine-fluffy – but have been a little too clarifying, stripping some of the natural color.

I am not a vain person – in fact, I think having a little bit of vanity could possibly balance out my extreme humility.

But, I do like to have my hair accurately represent me.

(It’s so strange how the product I like reduces volume back to 1/5th of the crisping product!)

It has become unfathomable to me to believe that anything I desire to keep as mine to hold tightly within my arms for longer than brevity is possible.

Like investing in an on-campus Master’s Degree? Pshaaaw…don’t even try to achieve.

The only thing that clings is the past’s baggage – which I need to finish hacking some of these tendrils off from me.

In dragon metaphor, I have determined that I am the type to fly – and though I like to nest at times, the world awaits to be explored.

Stacks of boxes hogging space in our one shared room promise ID documents to release a small tax refund. The problem is, the contents are from those over 10 years ago when the life I had built burned to ground.

Who wants to revisit trauma from the past to gain more freedom for their future? Seems like a trap promissing snarl-retriggering – and yet, this is one of the very few options to help improve our situation.

“No one’s supposed to love you, girl.”

But love is what we are here for…

As I finish feeding, treating, and watering the animals, they each take turns straifing by me or bugging each other, so I state with an assertive, “Feck off, now – you’ve each gotten what you’ve needed!” Then say out loud to myself, “Clearly, I am the perfect mate…” noting sardonic reflection.

While attempting to get video of this tiny chewer that had suspened itself from a tree by a thread, a meat bee landed on my elbow and upon securing purchase, proceeded to begin biting me. Naturally, I reacted – and accidentally dropped my subject!

“Cultured” humans are taught that to gain worth we must be constantly moving – constantly producing.

Yet, it is important to stop, sit under the dappled shade of a tree by a river, and just do nothing but watch the scenery.

A result of attachment to outcomes, unfulfilled.

Once one lets go of attachment to prior focus on outcomes, being sick can provide opportunity to catch up on rest and attend to pressing projects that have been waiting in the background.

Did I catch the cold from our snuggling, sneezing cats?

A temporary win over entropy.

Whether dark, in shades of gray, or light – having it is essential to one’s continued survival.

I know I repeat myself.

It is hard to not do so when thematics themselves keep reoccurring.

The point is to move beyond such trivialities – and I keep working at the problems to do so.

But when I keep hitting sinkholes and find myself back where I previously began (over and over again), I have to let myself repeat vocalize as a last ditch effort before at last succumbing to the madness.

They say repetition is the key to success.

Maybe I am succeeding at going crazy.

Nearly all of my few clothes are black.

One shirt has a hole on the side of a breast. One is ripped at the collar. Two are too small and short. Two are large and comfy but attract every dog and cat hair to where I have a fuzzy front when greet people.

Hello, have you seen my sticky wands? I bought two, but cannot find them in this constantly revolving movement between bags, suitcases, lodging, cars, and appointment venues.

Where was I yesterday and where am I going today and tomorrow?

I think I have lost myself in the constant flurry.

Finding potential positives to any negative situation requires effort and an open mind. If one is sick and feeling compromised, this can be challenging.

I find it frustrating and economically challenging when people expose me to their cold, happy to assure that it isn’t Covid.

For the average worker, they are expected to still go in to work, so their pay does not get affected

As a therapist, I am supposed to miss work – which can be financially devastating.

Attempting to be balanced by having a diverse schedule which allows for rest and flexibility is not supported when keeping a roof over one’s head is proportiionately too expensive and work partners are not bringing in clients – leaving the network marketing to me, instead.

I have worked hard to establish a system that works, but carrying it on my own without any guarantees is just not paying – except by what I innovatively put into it weekly.

Adding more official employment diminishes the amount of income I can earn by seeing clients on my own, but potentially brings in better “security.” It also better qualifies to purchase a home because being employed by someone else is what lenders want to see.

I dislike being so squeezed that I feel forced to bend to my knees – limiting my capabilities – when the problem is lack of stable housing.

Where we are, the sun now drops more quickly and it becomes darker earlier than in California.

Yet, it is a more peaceful place: smaller scale – but with more access to desired resources.

I miss the even bathe of light with slighter shifts between seasons. I am definitely a Mediterranean-oriented human.

However, this is a good place to establish a base to call home.