Category: Stream of Thought

There are some details that a bathroom mirror should not allow you to bear witness to.

(Mirthing)

Like a golem from Piers Anthony’s Blue Adept series, daily movements clunk along predefined trajectories – and I ache to break free of this containment.

In the muted light of the curtained hotel room, I explore supplement possibilities, try one released into warm molasses tea, and decide its smell is not for me.

Nature’s Path Organic Pumpkin Seed And Flax Granola accompanies in macadamia nut milk, and I realize that for a moment nothing is pressuring immediacy.

Lemon balm tea with a lavish amount of honey claims it will soothe digestion and neurology.

I experience what it feels like to be, simply.

I just want to get away from it and never have to deal with it again.

It isn’t mine, even though past remnants get triggered.

I belong in the sunshade of a gentle tree, at one with the wind.

Victimization

Look at the shape of it.

It has teeth like a vampire’s piercing.

Claws and spikes like a jagged blade’s poisoning.

It sits compressed tight upon itself like a rabid snake ready to strike.

It menacingly contemplates while its violent virus seethes in its own machinations.

Unwilling to play a part in it and wanting to avoid – yet, being forced and dragged into it.

It is not a good place.

It is a place which passed by Grace so that you could get a taste of it – and weep for its ending.

Hearing a man and woman in the back parking lot having an altercation and it sounding like the woman is being dragged away, screaming.

It is an horrible and infectious situation.

The trauma seeps into patrons’ windows, causing others’ to have reactions – arguing heatedly, as their own past traumas are triggered, over whether or not they could have done anything.

“You get what you get – and you don’t pitch a fit!”

It wasn’t that now she had to do these things.

It was that now she had the freedom to.

“Who cares about their neglect? Grow anyway. Thrive.”

He could have helped her. He could have taught her when she had asked repeatedly, and she would have avoided life’s struggling.

I am not speaking of status or types of corruption.

Just that having it gives you a right to thrive and prosper.

I play with the numbers for my amusement.

You still wouldn’t know the vast depths of my caring, even if met the healing clinic version.

I had asked the auto places around it to care enough to help save it, but I am pretty sure by its wilting and drying that it has just been me.

The grief at its ebbing comes up thick and choking.

From the beginning, to the end – to the end of the end, back to the beginning.

I let the song express the emotions for me.

I cannot afford the energy expenditure, nor the cbemical saturation in my brain that comes with expressing grieving.

Pushing hard to reach new levels requires pausing and taking time to address emotions.

When I wanted to, you were not there.
If you wanted to, would you show care?

A popular term is “existential crisis,” but what is really going on is a deeper evaluation beyond face values that we have been taught to adhere to.

Is it better to be more one’s true self or to propagate ideals confounding?

The same songs and feelings circulate depending upon what’s occurring in different circumstantial regions. I am always trying to improve my life, but generally have the same reasons.

When I was “no one,” my opinion was my own.

Becoming “someone” requires me to mask true identity.

I must find my new “perfect balance.”

We are both quite relieved.

Something felt off about the arrangement, and now we won’t be spending so much money.

Our momentum continues regeneration.

The property management company gave the rental to someone else out from under us.

Since no one does my therapeutic techniques, I must get creative to loosen my muscular torque tensions.

Who thought up the rule of “you must not want a relationship in order for a good relationship to find you.”

What?!?

Are we supposed to go around with one eye open and one eye closed saying,”I’m not really looking” while looking?

How does this start us out on authentic footing?

I have a dream to someday walk straight again without severe anterior internal hip rotation.

How do I breakthrough my own riddle?

It can happen overnight, so I work to be ready.

Before, it was better to hide and blend. Now, it’s time people comprehend.

What used to frighten begins to show recognizable patterns, and can be timed for safe gaps for crossing between, accordingly.

My youngling and I reflected last evening how this year we have not felt the constant fear that wildfires would come and overtake us.

Not because where we reside currently is necessarily safer, but because we are no longer living isolated on a mountain.

Versions of a man keep trying to attach to me – and I keep blocking and reporting them as my own kind of personal retribution.

I would not wish to “disrupt your success.”

For isn’t it true that you prize Fame over Glory?

It is the partner who comprehends and sees ramifications that stays to hold together the family, while the other abdicates cohesive dictates and abandons ship for their own individuality.

We are told here in America by media and subliminal marketing, by the viral thinking implanted into our society to keep us buying into Capitalism for continous relining of the obscenely rich’s pockets, that it is preferable that we each “go it alone” rather than investing with family and community.

Unfortunately, my open-heart-to-bonding-and-sharing has had the above messaging negatively reinforced by experiencing loss, grief, and betrayal in dispraportionately large amounts, making it seem that “being on my own” is the main key to my remnant family’s survival.

When I saw Vanilla Sky, the movie’s thematics gave me insights not necessarily related, but deep into my then husband’s psychology.

I began realizing that certain effects from his accidents were becoming irreversible and I cried as the harsh truth of this overtook me.

It was never an option for me to leave him – especially because we now had children. I was “in it to win it” for him and for our family.

I thought to myself, “I guess this is life. We don’t get to choose how it happens, but we can do our best to make it happy.”

I reached deep into my core reserves to continue mustering determination’s bravery.

Have you had enough consistency that now you just flow easily from one day’s thematic to another?

Or are you like me where you still struggle against internal barriers and weakness, trying to get stronger?

Have you ever been going so hard and so long that it takes time to?

Today, I stopped an officer and asked him a question.

I realized that I liked the way he spoke, his stance, and the way he thought clearly.

And with number messages claiming my guy is already in my life, I considered a bit of romance.

Today I begin marketing to more clinics and investigating my qualifying to buy us a house.

We need to be in a house and community that represents and supports our values and priorities.

Pushing boundaries by
Overcoming limitations.

Who am I at day’s end?
I hardly recognize me.

When a hunter horse on the course sees a jump approaching, it pricks its ears forward at full attention and gathers itself for the leap.

If you aim very high, sometimes society takes you more seriously.

If you aim for moderation, there seems to be more competition.

I was just given free ice cream from a store clerk when she couldn’t help me with the coupon, and then I felt too tight on money to give a tip at a take out restaurant.

If this is what paying extremely high rent is going to do to me, I am not sure that is the path that I should be taking. Being able to be generous with others is part of my life’s enjoyment.

I went back to give a tip. The door was locked, so I knocked. A very tired woman came to open it and was surprised and pleased, though frazzled.

An act of kindness can help when someone most needs encouragement. Maybe I also need positive reinforcement.