Category: Stream of Thought

Versions of a man keep trying to attach to me – and I keep blocking and reporting them as my own kind of personal retribution.

I would not wish to “disrupt your success.”

For isn’t it true that you prize Fame over Glory?

It is the partner who comprehends and sees ramifications that stays to hold together the family, while the other abdicates cohesive dictates and abandons ship for their own individuality.

We are told here in America by media and subliminal marketing, by the viral thinking implanted into our society to keep us buying into Capitalism for continous relining of the obscenely rich’s pockets, that it is preferable that we each “go it alone” rather than investing with family and community.

Unfortunately, my open-heart-to-bonding-and-sharing has had the above messaging negatively reinforced by experiencing loss, grief, and betrayal in dispraportionately large amounts, making it seem that “being on my own” is the main key to my remnant family’s survival.

When I saw Vanilla Sky, the movie’s thematics gave me insights not necessarily related, but deep into my then husband’s psychology.

I began realizing that certain effects from his accidents were becoming irreversible and I cried as the harsh truth of this overtook me.

It was never an option for me to leave him – especially because we now had children. I was “in it to win it” for him and for our family.

I thought to myself, “I guess this is life. We don’t get to choose how it happens, but we can do our best to make it happy.”

I reached deep into my core reserves to continue mustering determination’s bravery.

Have you had enough consistency that now you just flow easily from one day’s thematic to another?

Or are you like me where you still struggle against internal barriers and weakness, trying to get stronger?

Have you ever been going so hard and so long that it takes time to?

Today, I stopped an officer and asked him a question.

I realized that I liked the way he spoke, his stance, and the way he thought clearly.

And with number messages claiming my guy is already in my life, I considered a bit of romance.

Today I begin marketing to more clinics and investigating my qualifying to buy us a house.

We need to be in a house and community that represents and supports our values and priorities.

Pushing boundaries by
Overcoming limitations.

Who am I at day’s end?
I hardly recognize me.

When a hunter horse on the course sees a jump approaching, it pricks its ears forward at full attention and gathers itself for the leap.

If you aim very high, sometimes society takes you more seriously.

If you aim for moderation, there seems to be more competition.

I was just given free ice cream from a store clerk when she couldn’t help me with the coupon, and then I felt too tight on money to give a tip at a take out restaurant.

If this is what paying extremely high rent is going to do to me, I am not sure that is the path that I should be taking. Being able to be generous with others is part of my life’s enjoyment.

I went back to give a tip. The door was locked, so I knocked. A very tired woman came to open it and was surprised and pleased, though frazzled.

An act of kindness can help when someone most needs encouragement. Maybe I also need positive reinforcement.

It is strange to realize how little status credit I have given myself for being a constant innovator.

I guess the mediatized conformist “walk accepted standardized paths” messaging has imposed subliminally.

In this case, am I still experiencing a disconnect by what I do, which I know is worthwhile, vs. what others praise as “the norm?”

Clearly, somewhere in my deep encoding, I have some extra baggage to start offloading.

I was sharing with someone whom I esteem yesterday how I had applied for a house that would suit us, contrary to the current theme of “lack and limitations.”

At first, she was positive and supportive, but then went on to tell me horror stories about women who had been successful – but then fluke accidents had taken away everything from them.

Moral of their stories: do not try, for even if you succeed, you will fail.

I must believe that there is more to life than fear and chaotic devastation.

I see people living lives that they value all of the time.

I want in on this, and therefore, I must innovate solutions to the equation.

Did you know what I was before –
And what I would become, after?

It began as a story where at first, I led.
Then, my youngling grew into forging.

Do we live our dreams today – or keep waiting for some day, tomorrow?

It is one thing to have dreams and aspirations we are rowing toward, yet at times we cannot help but let the current carry us where it wills.

This morning’s walk yielded the first bee sting our pup has acquired.

I am pretty sure that it was one of those mean bastard meat bees that keeps biting for the joy of it because those are the kind that I saw buzzing along the ground where she had been snorfling.

She kept shaking her head and I thought it got her nose. But, upon retrieving her this evening, it turns out it got her ear – and Wow! It is SWOLLEN!

Puffed up like bread that has risen, poor baby – so I gave her some liquid Benadryl from a capsule and now she seems more comfy.

Cats demanding, dogs whining, timelines rushing – and no desk set up for ease of producing.

Having a marketable skill in a receptive community allows one to test and push their limits to a new level. I am not sure moving into extremes is the best thing, but in these times, it’s either rapidly expand and excel – or lose everything.

I have recently heard of two cases where good people met their loves on this app, which by now has a reputation for good matches being unusual.

“I mean it – I would have ended.
No pressure on you – right?

Well, hey – it’s not your fault:
You didn’t make the world as it is.

You try to make it better.
That’s why I love you.”

I applied to a house for us today beyond what I feel comfortable paying. But, it is close to places we want to be near and has enough room for our family.

There’s nothin’ like being wrecked in stability by other people’s decisions…

The most elegant steed works best with a light rein.

Of course, I would like to be wealthy and no longer living in poverty. But, how can this be possible without selling out what is essential to me?

There is only so much that I can grow on my own outside of it.

“Those that have, have – and taketh away from those that do not.”

I heard the chirping cry-calls first while taking the dogs out for a brief walk near the river. Above me, high in the blue sky, was the suceesfully flying family!

I put my shoes on, before my pants!

I did not think that memories and associations would be set loose in my system along with pain from the physician and his assistant gently working on my hips, yet it seems that being handled by men in this region has a history associated with trauma.

But the one that hit me the most, which seems so simple, is just the shock of my ex husband turning completely away from me with the door to our connection sealed tight as he dove off the edge into another reality, leaving its affect on me.

They can be experienced as negative hits with impermeable barriers – yet they can also be turned into opportunities to rest and reasses priorities.

There was some sort of energetic pall about the place which did not allow for my full recovery.

Now that we are free of it, I am using my own force of momentum to pull loose pieces into a cohesively effective strategy.

I knew from the beginning that you were meant for me –
But I then set aside the truth, unsure how this could be.

Figuring out which pieces to focus upon at what time and in what way to get effects evolving for max benefit is a dynamic engagement of management.

I must proceed as I always have by working around the problem.

I found out today possible reasons for why my hips have been causing me trouble, and that perhaps I ought to have had surgery years ago for a torn hip socket’s labrum resulting from when I had to throw myself backwards into sand at speed from my horse to save myself right after my youngest was born.

At first, I was elated with this news because I recently found out why my shoulder migraines have been happening, and now I know more why my leg mobility has been encumbered. Referring mixed symptoms have had me long-term chasing and guessing.

But then in the evening, anxietal nausea has swept through me because if this is true…well, honestly, I don’t quite understand what my fight or flight is telling me.

Nothing has changed, except that if I want the surgery, I better do it quickly because technically they would not do it on a woman over fifty.

This means that within 6 months this would be happening with about 2 months recovering.

Umm…exactly how then do I provide for my family?

What would it feel like to not be bound to a broken soul – but to be reforged in the fires of solidarity’s union?

An office where each person fills their own role; a salon with only one hair dresser; and me as an independent contractor.

Having overcome the great hump, recognizing the downward shift in time to adjust footing, I’ve geared up for the week by immersing myself in computational data gathering.

I think about what you are portraying (even if it might be just for role modeling) and I am reminded of the greater aspects of my functionality that were blasted by what’s happened to me.

It is not that I became dysfunctional – for I could not have made it this far, had I been. But, it is more like I have been a living ghost of how I used to be.

And seeing you there, bright and shining, reminds me of what it felt like to be vital – and makes me strive to claim that spark again.

Why does bad weigh more heavily upon one, as opposed to good?

It’s because negative actions cut – whereas nice actions try to soothe.

A fortune cookie reinforced that beauty is not from the face, but in the light from one’s heart.

I know this to be true, but getting beat up from others’ callousness gives the opposite messaging.

As of 8pm this evening, I no longer need a moving truck.

I need people in my life who extend compassion to me as I do for them.

I only want to work with clients who extend the humanity that I extend to them.

I am done catering to chronic toxicity.