It is strange to realize how little status credit I have given myself for being a constant innovator.
I guess the mediatized conformist “walk accepted standardized paths” messaging has imposed subliminally.
In this case, am I still experiencing a disconnect by what I do, which I know is worthwhile, vs. what others praise as “the norm?”
Clearly, somewhere in my deep encoding, I have some extra baggage to start offloading.
I was sharing with someone whom I esteem yesterday how I had applied for a house that would suit us, contrary to the current theme of “lack and limitations.”
At first, she was positive and supportive, but then went on to tell me horror stories about women who had been successful – but then fluke accidents had taken away everything from them.
Moral of their stories: do not try, for even if you succeed, you will fail.
I must believe that there is more to life than fear and chaotic devastation.
I see people living lives that they value all of the time.
I want in on this, and therefore, I must innovate solutions to the equation.
Did you know what I was before –
And what I would become, after?
It began as a story where at first, I led.
Then, my youngling grew into forging.
Do we live our dreams today – or keep waiting for some day, tomorrow?
It is one thing to have dreams and aspirations we are rowing toward, yet at times we cannot help but let the current carry us where it wills.
This morning’s walk yielded the first bee sting our pup has acquired.
I am pretty sure that it was one of those mean bastard meat bees that keeps biting for the joy of it because those are the kind that I saw buzzing along the ground where she had been snorfling.
She kept shaking her head and I thought it got her nose. But, upon retrieving her this evening, it turns out it got her ear – and Wow! It is SWOLLEN!
Puffed up like bread that has risen, poor baby – so I gave her some liquid Benadryl from a capsule and now she seems more comfy.
Cats demanding, dogs whining, timelines rushing – and no desk set up for ease of producing.
Having a marketable skill in a receptive community allows one to test and push their limits to a new level. I am not sure moving into extremes is the best thing, but in these times, it’s either rapidly expand and excel – or lose everything.
I have recently heard of two cases where good people met their loves on this app, which by now has a reputation for good matches being unusual.
“I mean it – I would have ended.
No pressure on you – right?
Well, hey – it’s not your fault:
You didn’t make the world as it is.
You try to make it better.
That’s why I love you.”
I applied to a house for us today beyond what I feel comfortable paying. But, it is close to places we want to be near and has enough room for our family.
There’s nothin’ like being wrecked in stability by other people’s decisions…
The most elegant steed works best with a light rein.
Of course, I would like to be wealthy and no longer living in poverty. But, how can this be possible without selling out what is essential to me?
There is only so much that I can grow on my own outside of it.
“Those that have, have – and taketh away from those that do not.”
I heard the chirping cry-calls first while taking the dogs out for a brief walk near the river. Above me, high in the blue sky, was the suceesfully flying family!
I put my shoes on, before my pants!
I did not think that memories and associations would be set loose in my system along with pain from the physician and his assistant gently working on my hips, yet it seems that being handled by men in this region has a history associated with trauma.
But the one that hit me the most, which seems so simple, is just the shock of my ex husband turning completely away from me with the door to our connection sealed tight as he dove off the edge into another reality, leaving its affect on me.
They can be experienced as negative hits with impermeable barriers – yet they can also be turned into opportunities to rest and reasses priorities.
There was some sort of energetic pall about the place which did not allow for my full recovery.
Now that we are free of it, I am using my own force of momentum to pull loose pieces into a cohesively effective strategy.
I knew from the beginning that you were meant for me –
But I then set aside the truth, unsure how this could be.
Figuring out which pieces to focus upon at what time and in what way to get effects evolving for max benefit is a dynamic engagement of management.
I must proceed as I always have by working around the problem.
I found out today possible reasons for why my hips have been causing me trouble, and that perhaps I ought to have had surgery years ago for a torn hip socket’s labrum resulting from when I had to throw myself backwards into sand at speed from my horse to save myself right after my youngest was born.
At first, I was elated with this news because I recently found out why my shoulder migraines have been happening, and now I know more why my leg mobility has been encumbered. Referring mixed symptoms have had me long-term chasing and guessing.
But then in the evening, anxietal nausea has swept through me because if this is true…well, honestly, I don’t quite understand what my fight or flight is telling me.
Nothing has changed, except that if I want the surgery, I better do it quickly because technically they would not do it on a woman over fifty.
This means that within 6 months this would be happening with about 2 months recovering.
Umm…exactly how then do I provide for my family?
What would it feel like to not be bound to a broken soul – but to be reforged in the fires of solidarity’s union?
An office where each person fills their own role; a salon with only one hair dresser; and me as an independent contractor.
Having overcome the great hump, recognizing the downward shift in time to adjust footing, I’ve geared up for the week by immersing myself in computational data gathering.
I think about what you are portraying (even if it might be just for role modeling) and I am reminded of the greater aspects of my functionality that were blasted by what’s happened to me.
It is not that I became dysfunctional – for I could not have made it this far, had I been. But, it is more like I have been a living ghost of how I used to be.
And seeing you there, bright and shining, reminds me of what it felt like to be vital – and makes me strive to claim that spark again.
Why does bad weigh more heavily upon one, as opposed to good?
It’s because negative actions cut – whereas nice actions try to soothe.
A fortune cookie reinforced that beauty is not from the face, but in the light from one’s heart.
I know this to be true, but getting beat up from others’ callousness gives the opposite messaging.
As of 8pm this evening, I no longer need a moving truck.
I need people in my life who extend compassion to me as I do for them.
I only want to work with clients who extend the humanity that I extend to them.
I am done catering to chronic toxicity.
She knew how to make things happen and how to generate interest.
She’d just been stuck in a location where people did not relate to the same things that she did.
But now…now she was in a hub which embraced new inventions!
“Given the challenges you have been facing, you are doing quite well!”
This year, more people are braving the unknown and returning to the streets to explore their world.
It’s a better time for our transition between housing because we have become locally established.
And though our roots have been unearthed, we are getting used to adapting.
It is interesting to be back in the place where we first began our foothold last year.
Merely glancing at myself in the mirror because time and pressure dictate brevity, I note the golden-red sunburning and pumped-up shoulders with chest swelling strong and assured from underneath a black, sweaty tank top.
I may be carrying more weight around the middle now than back then, but my being’s core impetus is at last beginning to influence my surrounding circumstantial environments.
The printer, having helped until the end, now plays “mother, may I?” by not responding until I find it the perfect insert into plug, change its ink cartridge, print the test page and scan it, and then find it paper.
Ok, good to go!
Meanwhile, the various cords and precarious positioning on a cardboard box on-the-ground stand for the printer and gravity play havoc with energetic elements entangling my legs hanging over the edge of the bed – begging me to make a slight mistake in management so that my laptop will hard crash into the ground.
Yes…I know your intentions!
I have awoken before my body has fully reset to have time to prepare for today’s independent work schedule, foolishly thinking that somehow I would have managed to coordinate the unloading of a 20 foot truck full of plants while still making it to my work venue which from the unloading location would be 40 minutes.
Whereupon, as consciousness trickles back into my rebooting awareness, I realize I must print out new intake forms; my phone has been missing (please let it be in the car!); I still need to finish clinic notes for the doctor; and I have to stop by storage to gather all of my therapy supplies.
It becomes clear that my phone’s absence has stopped me from making a fool of myself by calling people and over-planning a schedule before work that I had no way of completing.
We are finally moved out!
We landed at 5am, the cats yowled, other guests complained. Later at work, I’m called – is the lodging going to kick us out after they promised safe haven?
A scammer has seized contents of another ad in an attempt to entice us with housing.
I have met an amazing leader pioneering an aspect of sustainability for now and future community.
My physical therapist called to tell me the clinic is evicting me because I have had emergencies. The anxietal pit gnawing in my stomach prompts me to challenge it.
I make a declaration to the universe as another person bears witness to hearing my pipe dream of working with a certain person I highly esteem.
The location of the scammed house turns out to be next to campus, and the ease of the location gave me a sense of what it would feel like to have one version of open access to obtaining my dreams.
What would it be like to nestle into the community and be seen aa valid and worthy?
Maybe “normal” is what we train ourselves to perceive it to be…
For day after day it never seemed to end – these swirling patterns of packing, hauling, organizing, and cleaning up and down level, rough, and ramp-steppped terrains – much in the grueling toil-sweat bake within the airless inferno of a moving van’s hot box oven.
Fatigue-sick from sleep deprivation and overwork’s fugue, at last lying down in a bed with oversized comfy pillows and barely able to move from cramping aches and spasms, why is it that one mosquito bite conscripts all awareness?
I thank God my work schedule today has turned out to be light and reflect upon how the apartment had provided and sheltered, while at the same time severely limited our possibilities.
The plants still remain to be gathered, and my body has declared in no uncertain terms that I better get help with that!
The move is still not over…ugh.
It wasn’t about whether or not – but how he would convey the stories.
She had taken the leap and given away the shirt and tie for him and the dress she would have worn for their wedding.
It had been hard, but decisively she’d done it. And, even now, she could still see them in her mind, feel their textures, and remember the plans they’d once had.
But, when it came time to give away the hijab-like soft cotton coverings that women wore for prayer that she had been gifted by his mother, she kept catching an elusive remnant exotic perfume scent of having been back in Egypt
She remembered the Call to Prayer and the feeling of being included and a part of something that felt Holy.
She had intended to give these items away because she did not want to be another martyr, conscripted by yet another peoples’ set of indoctrinational shackles.
However, she realized that she was not ready to part with the feeling of how close she’d been to other peoples’ families – a witness to interwoven continuity of endurant Belief in community.
By need and chance, I am getting connected with local sustainability enthusiasts!
Candid Corvid Productions 