Category: Stream of Thought

She would have her “star-spangled banner.”

She stayed with him because it was safe, and she valued his perspectives.
The world was brutal: his cynicism reinforced her identity’s strengthening.

Called “Independence Day,” she was thrilled to have this be their anniversary.
Youth’s trials behind them, they could now make life how it ought to be.

But, he didn’t share optimism’s excitement with her.
It’s a lonely path being a solo enthusiast.

When I was pregnant with my eldest, my belly was so large, hard, and round I felt otherworldly – like a Dr. Seuss character.

I waddled around in the hillside home in Santa Barbara and throughout the community, foraging for what I would need when my first born would arrive, feeling unique.

I told my partner that he needed to get me a star-bellied Sneech shirt.

I needed one. I deserved one.

My world would be complete.

I never got one, but now have figured out a way to get my “stars.”

It’s a way to love my tummy and to recognize I’ve come so far.

It thrilled her to think that he might be watching her progression, and she wondered what he thought of her.

Longing to stay within comfort’s womb even though limits confine further growth competes with fear of being thrust back out into the cold where without shelter, the demons find you.

I try to say something new, or something I have said in a new way. Sometimes, both.

He needed to destroy that which he could not control nor understand because he placed fear over trust as his priority.

I have noticed there is much discussion that one’s “twin flame,” or rather the “other half to their whole,” is often referred to as being reticent to rejoin the union here on Earth.

Well, what’s the point, then?

If they abdicate the position, that half no longer belongs as part of the whole – so just move on.

I think that women especially have been told too much that we are supposed to wait around for our heroes to grow up.

It is easy to feel as if we have been “wronged” when things do not go the way we planned or wanted them to.

Caught up in fighting against resistance as a generality, she couldn’t decide if every effort toward a better future was turned into a ruse to make fun of her, or if time was intentionally making her trip and go slower so that she would align to dock perfectly with the unknown future.

Her mother had sent her some birthday money, which was a cherished gift.

She ended up giving it to the scammer because of her generous, caring spirit.

She did it to prove to the universe that she was willing to again invest in love.

She didn’t mind being responsible for everything,
She just wanted the love and comfort they’d shared.
But, perhaps this imbalance doomed the relationship.

Trying again as fall face forward,
Wondering if I have been wrong.

Money flow is an odd thing in my reality.

It doesn’t always go how I want it – but then sometimes arrives, just as I need it.

Like a tax return that I hoped to have for a deposit arriving just when income from work slows and the cat needs an emergency vet visit.

It can be frustrating how I seem to have no actual control – except for how to use what is given to me.

She had to decide when very young: would she conform, be taken – and thus, belong? Or would she stand apart as haven for others searching?

Those who make it out to tell the tales have still been seen as pariahs, even in their own families.

For adults’ crimes against them, children are punished by and excluded from society.

With awareness, they both entered
But disagreed on the destination
And how they should get there.

She prayed for a miracle:
He was alive, not present.

Physical therapy appointments and other health care that I have needed are finally in the works!

As in giving birth, healing is not always easy. There are painful contractions and much resistance to release. The body clamps down upon what it has gestated, unsure if it is safe to let it go.

Wounds have a way of stacking up as scar tissue layered over the original cut, which may have never healed completely.

Some things, you can’t take back.

Some things, you never forgive.

It comes down to patterns of behavior.

Ideals and philosophies are important in relativity.

But, without mutual dedication to pursuing outcomes, connection disintegrates.

You are my hope for a new day,
Ever drawing me into the future.

The past is where we have been.

Where we are now is changing.

The future is where we are going.

She had assisted and witnessed for others that pain subsides and healing takes place – but had yet to experience this, personally.

Am I needed?

Am I valued?

Am I wanted?

In work, as in life, I enjoy helping to elevate others

I keep working to reclaim and elevate my status.

To all of you who visit, read, and like my posts, thank you so much for your company and encouragement.

I know that there are times where absolute truth is not always necessary, such as when your best friend feels bad about their hair that got cut too short, and you help lessen the mishap’s impact.

But, it seems to me that with the basic truths that are most important, if we all did our best to ascribe to their values, the bad times and parts of life would be less horrible.

Our neighbors were finishing some packing today during my lunch hour and asked me if I wanted their hose and heavy duty, multi-spray nozzle. This is what we needed for our porch plants!

This blog is a place I come to organize my thoughts and categorize triumphs and tribulations.

Last night, a sense of deep anxiety hit me so hard that I almost folded.

I mean quit everything here, shut down the site, “locked up shop.”

Why?

Because I was taught to hide myself, and I guess the more I share the more danger signals blare – real or imagined.

But, the problem is that as a society we are told to only show each other snippets of our truth, and to conduct our public personas by prior-approved sound bites.

I am tired of marching to this tune – where there isn’t really the chance to know and come to care for anybody.

You wouldn’t think that light rays good for you could also make you sick. But, a day in the garden without skin protection prooves otherwise.

She would be her own witness.

(Play on phrase “eye witness”)

“Hi, thank you for leaving the note on my car. That was very kind. It’s a older car and I don’t see much of a mark so no need to worry about getting insurance involved. I appreciate you letting me know.”

“This is so kind of you – thank you! I know how upsetting someone dinging my car and then leaving has been for me, so I did not want to do that to you.”

When I was outside in my car, resting at the gym, the wind suddenly gust-blew hard, pushing and slamming my open door into the neighbor’s passenger side panel

I took pictures and proof data for my records and eft a note for the owners on their windshield under the wiper if they wanted to contact me.

Then, I changed my voicemail to anonymous with just the number stated in answering because I am tired of people finding reasons to take advantage.

The mower came a day early, while I was away, and demolished the walnut seedling.

What matters is following through on the promises I make – most of all, to myself.

I wondwr if the backlighting of computer and phone screens overstims my eyes’ light receptors, causing them to diminish in their capacity to see clearly.

Like when I try to take photos outside on a bright, sunny day and the camera lens’ image lighr-wash-dims all coloring.

I apologize for not always catching my spelling mistakes.

I try – I really do.

However, between fighting the auto-adjustments in this program, my touch screen’s slurring, and my shifting vision, some mistakes keep slipping through.

This is why I posted the “heads up” in my profile regarding revisions.

If I can’t depend upon consistency of compensation for hindered acuity, I can’t accept pressure of critics expecting perfection from me.

“When is the best time to plant a tree?” Answer, “Ten years ago.” Question, “And when is the next best time?” Answer, “Today.” – Confuscius

I was reminded of this today by a caring fellow advocate. Thank you.

Two thin-lined, wavy and multi-color toned rings stacked to form the symbol.

I had to throw away my last and favorite pair of jeans today. When pants become threadbare in the rear, it is time to stop wearing them. They’ve been with me to the end.

It’s interesting how mis-step decisions can twist a man…I see it again and again.

Upon deep introspection, it is likely best that I don’t seek out relationship.

The kind of connection I have been questing for is something beyond the normal base most people are willing to settle for.

In trying to figure out what kind of a personality would match me, it was suggested I could be paired with another artist – like another writer or an actor.

But then, if they are already established (which I would want so we could have a base of stability), you run into the “fans and societal judgment factor.”

I have yet to meet a man who does not bend his soul to these things.

I don’t want to keep writing to and corresponding with agencies, fighting for exoneration from crimes I did not commit.