Money flow is an odd thing in my reality.
It doesn’t always go how I want it – but then sometimes arrives, just as I need it.
Like a tax return that I hoped to have for a deposit arriving just when income from work slows and the cat needs an emergency vet visit.
It can be frustrating how I seem to have no actual control – except for how to use what is given to me.
She had to decide when very young: would she conform, be taken – and thus, belong? Or would she stand apart as haven for others searching?
Those who make it out to tell the tales have still been seen as pariahs, even in their own families.
For adults’ crimes against them, children are punished by and excluded from society.
With awareness, they both entered
But disagreed on the destination
And how they should get there.
She prayed for a miracle:
He was alive, not present.
Physical therapy appointments and other health care that I have needed are finally in the works!
As in giving birth, healing is not always easy. There are painful contractions and much resistance to release. The body clamps down upon what it has gestated, unsure if it is safe to let it go.
Wounds have a way of stacking up as scar tissue layered over the original cut, which may have never healed completely.
Some things, you can’t take back.
Some things, you never forgive.
It comes down to patterns of behavior.
Ideals and philosophies are important in relativity.
But, without mutual dedication to pursuing outcomes, connection disintegrates.
You are my hope for a new day,
Ever drawing me into the future.
The past is where we have been.
Where we are now is changing.
The future is where we are going.
She had assisted and witnessed for others that pain subsides and healing takes place – but had yet to experience this, personally.
Am I needed?
Am I valued?
Am I wanted?
In work, as in life, I enjoy helping to elevate others
I keep working to reclaim and elevate my status.
To all of you who visit, read, and like my posts, thank you so much for your company and encouragement.
I know that there are times where absolute truth is not always necessary, such as when your best friend feels bad about their hair that got cut too short, and you help lessen the mishap’s impact.
But, it seems to me that with the basic truths that are most important, if we all did our best to ascribe to their values, the bad times and parts of life would be less horrible.
Our neighbors were finishing some packing today during my lunch hour and asked me if I wanted their hose and heavy duty, multi-spray nozzle. This is what we needed for our porch plants!
This blog is a place I come to organize my thoughts and categorize triumphs and tribulations.
Last night, a sense of deep anxiety hit me so hard that I almost folded.
I mean quit everything here, shut down the site, “locked up shop.”
Why?
Because I was taught to hide myself, and I guess the more I share the more danger signals blare – real or imagined.
But, the problem is that as a society we are told to only show each other snippets of our truth, and to conduct our public personas by prior-approved sound bites.
I am tired of marching to this tune – where there isn’t really the chance to know and come to care for anybody.
You wouldn’t think that light rays good for you could also make you sick. But, a day in the garden without skin protection prooves otherwise.
She would be her own witness.
(Play on phrase “eye witness”)
“Hi, thank you for leaving the note on my car. That was very kind. It’s a older car and I don’t see much of a mark so no need to worry about getting insurance involved. I appreciate you letting me know.”
“This is so kind of you – thank you! I know how upsetting someone dinging my car and then leaving has been for me, so I did not want to do that to you.”
When I was outside in my car, resting at the gym, the wind suddenly gust-blew hard, pushing and slamming my open door into the neighbor’s passenger side panel
I took pictures and proof data for my records and eft a note for the owners on their windshield under the wiper if they wanted to contact me.
Then, I changed my voicemail to anonymous with just the number stated in answering because I am tired of people finding reasons to take advantage.
The mower came a day early, while I was away, and demolished the walnut seedling.
What matters is following through on the promises I make – most of all, to myself.
I wondwr if the backlighting of computer and phone screens overstims my eyes’ light receptors, causing them to diminish in their capacity to see clearly.
Like when I try to take photos outside on a bright, sunny day and the camera lens’ image lighr-wash-dims all coloring.
I apologize for not always catching my spelling mistakes.
I try – I really do.
However, between fighting the auto-adjustments in this program, my touch screen’s slurring, and my shifting vision, some mistakes keep slipping through.
This is why I posted the “heads up” in my profile regarding revisions.
If I can’t depend upon consistency of compensation for hindered acuity, I can’t accept pressure of critics expecting perfection from me.
“When is the best time to plant a tree?” Answer, “Ten years ago.” Question, “And when is the next best time?” Answer, “Today.” – Confuscius
I was reminded of this today by a caring fellow advocate. Thank you.
Two thin-lined, wavy and multi-color toned rings stacked to form the symbol.
I had to throw away my last and favorite pair of jeans today. When pants become threadbare in the rear, it is time to stop wearing them. They’ve been with me to the end.
It’s interesting how mis-step decisions can twist a man…I see it again and again.
Upon deep introspection, it is likely best that I don’t seek out relationship.
The kind of connection I have been questing for is something beyond the normal base most people are willing to settle for.
In trying to figure out what kind of a personality would match me, it was suggested I could be paired with another artist – like another writer or an actor.
But then, if they are already established (which I would want so we could have a base of stability), you run into the “fans and societal judgment factor.”
I have yet to meet a man who does not bend his soul to these things.
I don’t want to keep writing to and corresponding with agencies, fighting for exoneration from crimes I did not commit.
I must be an overachiever, for I rarely consider my efforts extraordinary.
There’s a lot of it about.
I post things here, then take them down because of judgment.
Imagined or perceived.
At last, her garden endeavors were progressing in a way that helped her settle back into early summertime rhythms.
Beans, snap peas, zuchinni, and tomatoes; strawberries, snap dragons, petunias, and lobelia; roses, dianthus, lavender, and violas give food, perfume scents, and colors.
Four fruit trees among the herbs, carnations, pineapple sage, and lots of lemon balm; and flowering porch plants were in abundance;
She carried a heavy load of worry about making the right decisions.
It is a horrifying experience to have one’s mind throwing up blocks when attempting to address cleaning up issues that affect my credit.
I was and am still an ace at management and strategizing.
It’s just that the vexation, despair, and extreme stress that I kept dealing with over the past four years wore down my optimism in these areas – like a Pavlovian shock response upon neurons trained into “Don’t Go There.”
Luckily, I remembered one agency from way back that I had spoken with, and their top-notch, kind, and informed assistance helped me maneuver past self protective barriers.
An old friend of mine held the stance that he never wanted to be a member of any club that would accept him. He ascribed to individuation.
My reluctance to participate is for similar reaons, but more because groups predefine themselves and I need to expand and remain elastic.
As a single mother, I did not have the freedom to go where my heart needed and desired.
Not like a man.
Not like a person uncommitted.
I knew I had to slowly maneuver however I could while maintaining cobbled together stability.
I had to buy time and hold space for my children to grow.
I had to focus on what they needed essentially to eventually expand dynamically.
An intuituve must obtain supportive environments, else their brainwaves swim in others’ cacophany.
Entrainment is an important characteristic of interactions between brain rhythms and refers to the coupling of two independent oscillatory systems in such a way that their periods of oscillation become related by virtue of phase alignment (Cummins, 2009).
By this time of year, I would be back into music, exploring external expression, progressing in language, and learning new healing modalities.
Christianity and other religions preach that living is suffering – and that we’ll get our “just rewards” when we pass on from this life.
But me?
I’m more of a “Heaven on Earth” kind of ascriber.
I do not need outdated belief systems as a crutch when what I need and love is right here, in this “reality.”
Hypervigilance and repetetive stress response to fleeting stability again becoming unstable takes its toll on a fight or flight cortisol system.
Unable to choose “freeze” as an option due to need to keep moving, body auto-locks down against muscle movement because it wants to stop moving “for safety.”
I remember when the sensation first happened over ten years ago, and how hard I fought against it For if it had won then, I would not have been functional for my children.
It is very vexing to feel hunted and haunted by such a mechanism. I keep fighting to overcome it instead of it overwhelming me – because if I am “the carrier,” I must also be “the solution.”
Your angel number 1155 indicates that it is time to begin a new endeavour, new direction, or perhaps a new business venture. All of your hopes and dreams will come to fruition. Now, get ready for some wonderful changes in your life, and you’ll finally be able to rest in your own skin.
Energy is lagging. So is inspiration.
If honor it, it lets go. Identify “it.”
Candid Corvid Productions 