Did I mention that we have to move again?
The landlord won’t say why – and I struggle every night to not pick myself apart over it.
It is likely because we needed Covid Relief help, and although we made sure that the landlord received every rent payment and this is our first month back on our own feet, it seems that we have been judged as “less than worthy.”
I seem to be able to help the people who come to me in real need. It is a blessing, an honor – and exhilarating (though exhausting, lol) to help set them free of chronic discomfort and/or adhesions from past injuries!
When I mention anything about money, scammers try to contact me.
These are things that Can, Ought to, and Will end.
What made a target was need.
If no longer need, no longer a target.
They say Truth reveals when you are ready.
But, I do not agree with control’s debating.
Agreeing, to help strengthen –
Even if don’t agree, personally.
To love without fear of others’ retributions –
For anything worthwhile is always attacked.
Religion
Sex
Politics
Get to the venue.
See what’s needed.
Make Good Happen.
It takes a while to develop
Confident competence
In any new venture.
Winter into Spring, I needed time to rehabilitate my injury and decompress.
I created space to rebuild my endurance, and although I never felt fully rested, I have apparently regained some ability to push myself a little harder.
I am keeping my load as simple as possible, trying to monitor for when I feel overwhelmed – and then offloading any extra that threatens to capsize until the next day when I can better manage.
I made extra money today in a new joint venture which has possibility to be ongoing.
I am trying to press against the membrane of resistance that has been holding me back from succeeding.
Like I said, it is a lot about gaining – and keeping – momentum.
A result of insecurity in Maslow’s Hierarchy.
Figuring out how to not take a blow personally is difficult as one staggers under weight of force.
How we comprehend and interact with the world and species around us (including humans) is guided by how well we have developed our skills of inquiry without bias and ego-based judgments.
The elderly do not want to be bothered by youth’s needs or ambitions. They are too content dwelling in what might have and should have beens. At least, this seems prevalent with many who consider themselves “high society.”
Healing is about Adaptation. Therefore, it is best that I work where people are open to these concepts, rather than where they are closed minded.
The scammer diverted me from the succubus.
The landlord diverted me from complacency.
I work with what I am given, despite difficulty.
I do not know why, therefore I am very cautious.
We have not had hot water since yesterday morning.
This time, I will not be the advocate who informs our landlord.
The last ten years have been a testament to my endurance as I have navigated our lack of housing security while each “rock” has been overturned.
“Rags to riches.” “Riches to rags.”
The current economy favors fickle landlords.
Those who “have” buy property and turn over serfs.
It hurts to not know why and to be unable to change it. It hurts even though I know I was not the problem.
It seems to not matter if you are open, honest, sincere; have good boundaries – but without false veneer; and are willing to productively collaborate with good cheer. People will look for anything to smeer – even if they have to invent and project it.
It is difficult to reconcile continued positivity when others betray my trust in them.
I made some great connections today, and have new ventures lining up that might help bring in more money. After pushing against it, my headache begins to dissipate.
As tension clamps down over losing our home base and insecurity adds inflammation to resultant migraine, I cast myself out onto the local seas to connect with more prospective business collaborators. For despite that I still need rest and recovery, we need more money.
How does one keep a sense of calm when keep on encountering buried landmines?
As a health professional, I assist recovering wellness.
As an individual, my life feels often in the trenches.
I will not be pursuing my Bachelor completion soon, afterall. Finding another home takes precedence. Housing instability continuum.
It is hilarious to me how I have worked so hard to get us restabilized, and told myself that I would put off my heart’s desire to travel as a healer, etc. – and this evening we got notice our landlord is not renewing our lease.
No reason why, but we will have a good reference.
We have until August 1st to find a new place – and youngest is looking at our moving out of state!
The Fates, perhaps, are laughing at my attempt to deny my own wings.
I never feel cught up with myself.
What tail am I chasing?
Bachelorette find of a leftover restaurant side salad becomes a bonus forage-find treat for the ravenous.
Having been pushed to the back of the fridge to where its water matrix became full of semi-solid ice particles yields every attempt at quickly munch-consuming results as aching teeth from cold and chills cascading down body.
Overcompensated for now by too-hot ceramic mug placed onto lap – burning – while fork rolls off sproingy noodles as spears too large, hanging fronds of parmesian-covered chicken.
Overall, a “sensational” experience!
Our hours are all over the map.
I still have trouble trying to not judge this.
Vestigial remnants of a prior life where fitting in meant you matched everyone else’s schedules still call to me.
Why do I keep feeling that pull – as if I am missing out on something?
Chasing this feeling never got me anywhere.
I find my life in its own right timing
As a treat before breakfast today (usually, it is after), I gave our girls chewy, rolled up rawhide replacement treats to keep them busy while I continued getting ready for the day.
While in the bathroom with the door open, I could hear our puppy suddenly high-pitch whining, so I closed the door to protect my ears and nerves, commenting to myself that she had really eaten her treat quickly!
Once I returned to the front room, however, I discovered that she had accidentally flipped her treat outside of her crate. Our wolf was near it, lying down, and had left it there for me to return to our pup, instead if taking advantage and eating it!
I was so surprised and elated at this generosity, I mobbed our wolf with happy praise, pats, hugs, and a kiss on the side of her face – then gave her an extra biscuit.
Anxiety and fear of the unknown resulted yesterday in hind brain’s critic negative judgement trying to warn and nail me to a cross for buying food to eat while on the road after starving from efforts expended in working with clients, and later gluten-free graham crackers to meet my brain’s need for balanced sugar reboit after giving so much of my energy to others.
It is hard to address needs to take care of myself while confronting feelings of financial insecurity.
Four days in a row of client therapies after another neck adjustment has produced muscle spasm lockdown and fighting over which vertebrae will sublux while I tryto prevent this by outmaneuvering last night’s tension-compression migraine.
Clearly, I need to prioritize shifting from shoulder to neck physical therapy, but at last my shoulder is progressing (woot!), so I must just hold my ground and attain a neutral balance involving, unfirtunately, NOT doing the dishes in this moment.
Being able to give back and pay forward helps me feel reimpowered because it is again within my hands to help others.
It is easy to feel panic when leaving any form of dependency, yet harder when food and other insecurities reinforce because the future is yet unseen, and the past still too close to be “forgotten.”
I am beginning to feel my own return to me.
It takes me late into evening to unwind from the day.
I shake with excited energy, barely able to believe this wondrous reality that I now live in such a good community where other business professionals recognize and value honest integrity, while sharing skills and building positively dynamic and flexible.relationships.
As an positive person, I capitalize on whatever positive gains I can glean from circumstances that affect me, within and outside of my control.
Just when I gain any recovery, I immediately leap forward again as if I am a participant of a race and cannot stand to get behind expanding from constant learning.
As I clear up leftovers from the past, not only am I prepping to delve into more English training, but also new therapy modalities to add to my clinical abilities.
Settling down, taking in the more level scenery, working to calm the restlessness inside while still striving to achieve. Being grateful for and mindful of the large to little things
I have earned my rewards, whereas younger women reliant on their “beauty” merely expect theirs to be handed to them.
And men of all ages comply easily and willingly, continuing to reinforce this wrong kind of messaging – and thus, quite frankly, propagate demise of our society.
When you are a mother and a partner’s lover, things are not so simple for a woman as they are for a man.
When and why did men get a “pass” – and in return, why can’t they be more supportive and understand?
I capture, affirm, and breathe life into it – making intentions priority.
pas·sel
/ˈpasəl/
noun
INFORMAL•US
Oxford Dictionary.
As I have community now, which equals more resources in options for self care improvement and senses of positive reinforcement, I begin to unravel those knots which stayed tangled no matter how I worked at them on the mountain.
It has been confirmed that my eyesight and perceived overwhelm with inability to think straight at times is from my neck and shoulder tension pulling to compress my neck vertebrae into pinching nerves when muscles begin further tightening when I must act quickly to timelines.
And while I still have little control over when and how this happens, I can begin working at my psychology to reframe this away from feeling as if I have become a weakling and am dwindling into incompetence to feeling proud I am on my way to hopeful recovery.
It is startling how much losing my ability to feel healthy and endurant had eroded my self confidence, and I feel grateful relief that I can attend to shifting this
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