Category: Stream of Thought

I had just gone to the stylist this last week and was proud of my hair having grown suddenly (for me) to halfway down my back over this last year.

But, after this last session, something bothered me. It didn’t feel quite like me anymore, though I remembered how enthralled I had been at its sudden growth spurt as if trying to show we could compete after a man I had liked got a new girlfriend

My hair floated around me as if I were an enchantress in some hidden forest, and I had enjoyed the effect – but for some reason, I was itching to be set free.

So this morning, I got out my flat and texture scissors and cut it back, slowly, until it was returned to its usual positioning, just at mid shoulder level.

It looks and moves better…it flows with me.

I feel lighter and imbued with candid authenticity.

True alchemy is taking even just the hint of a positive potential and breathing life into it so that it can truly begin

Though I cannot receive the therapies I provide, I have begun experimenting with how I use machines in very light weight training – mainly playing with the muscle planes of tensile elasticity along bones and within motion to strengthen fragile connection zones of tissue.

When I can back away, my conscious subconscious can reorganize for another day.

Some people are obnoxiously “confident” – not because they have any real abilities, but because they conform to societal “standards of beauty.”

Continuing with the thematic of ensuring project completion, I finished sessions with the last of my students today so that I can now address taking and completing further training.

It took me a long time to vocalize and externalize despite abusive childhood training reinforcing insecurities.

And when I finally hit my stride and began feeling solid in different times of my life, men left me.

What messaging do I take away from this?

Where place myself in the realm of dominance vs. submissive?

Perhaps I will stick with Neutrality

I saw the picture of them together and observed her look: eyes downcast, patiently waiting, letting him be the dominant while she was submissive.

I have done that. I remember what it felt like to be ignored and walked all over when I loved someone and they took me for granted.

I was raised to be an accomodator, but I have striven instead to be receptive. It is a fine line between flexing and getting neglected.

I just didn’t like how close she was to that chasm. It looked to me that she had fallen into it – as if she had been chastised.

And I realized that I never want to be in that position again.

If this is what is required in relationship, I would rather be untethered.

Maybe there just isn’t a right match for me in this day and age.

Maybe I am ahead of my time, again.

It would not surprise me.

My life’s theme.

Being denied the power and resources to enact change while being criticized and disparaged for not doing so really beat down my positivity.

My parents’ house had more solid, dry stairs from a cleared driveway which diminished tracking effect once got into their house.

Our steps were rotting and coming directly off mucking property, so no matter my efforts, keeping clean was impossible.

I used to like walking barefoot in the house, but not anymore – especially in the kitchen.

“Maybe I could mop more!” comes a thought previously unbidden because now we are no longer tracking in sheep sh**!

It sucks that mine seems held down by the past – by arbitrary effects of circumstance.

Having done much work on understanding the self, I can only intuit it resides with my “wealth” – and those boxes that linger, keeping me on the shelf.

it seems pretty clear what my tasks should be.

It is strange to me that so many people pretend on Instagram to be celebrities.

Many are scammers, yet others want to capitalize on the feeling of being rich, powerful, and desired.

However, each celebrity is a flawed human – the same as you and me.

They just got lucky in their professional gains, have great marketing, and a makeup team.

It just occurred to me that
We could pay rent early
Instead of waiting…

Targeting certain foods to replace, such as white sugar and boiled potatoes which spike blood sugar and/or cause inflammation, is a good place to start in balancing one’s dietary makeup..

I have been afraid to calorically restrict my diet again, given what happened the last time where when I eliminated carbs I lost weight so fast that my skin was hanging.

I only lost thirty pounds, and in my mind from high school remnants, I thought I should get down to one-twenty.

But, I could tell that at one-fourty, I already felt perilously close to unhealthy.

It goes way back to when I was ten years old, emerging in a family in which I did not belong, and feeling more like an outsider than ever.

Somewhere, I still have that picture of me in blue overalls, white with rainbow on top long sleeved shirt underneath, looking kind of “country” with this same quirky smile on my face as I stood behind and looked at Jerry Brown when he was early running as California governor.

While skills may be transferred, new patterns must be grown.

It becomes more simple as I focus on my own needs – which I can see more clearly if I look close around me – rather than spinning my internal wheels rapidly jangling, wondering about a “you” that I never even knew.

I knew that the part of the message “when your insides match with your outside” was somehow the key for me.

I now realize that I was trying too much at once inside and pushing too hard and fast while the outside world was not responding to match me.

This had created in me too much frenetic energy and overcompensatory pressure expectations on my self to perform, when clearly I was exhausted and discouraged by thrusting my weight at every closed door.

So, I slowed down. I have been focusing on a project here or there and not starting another until one prior is at completion.

It is hard to not feel anxious or like I am sluffing off at responsibilities. However, expecting only what I can do on a few things at a given time.is calming my limbic sysyem and slowly shifting my point of view.

It helps that income seems to be stabilizing, and that we have a good rental situation.

When my ability to provide for our family is shaken or taken, it is difficult to calm inner turmoil.

I began asserting calm regardless of my circumstances, as this was the only way to control the only element that I could: Me.

In response, perhaps, my circumstances are now shifting for the better.

The Law Of Positive Attraction is fickle and not as easy as they say it is to conjure.

I guess the true riddle is understanding how in one’s self to get out of the way of its manifesting.

Though I grouse in processing the way things ended between us eons ago, etc., he has been supportive however he could be from a distance if we were in dire circumstances.

This evening I called him just to say Thank You for everything, and that we seem to be at last recovering our base stability.

I could hear his shakey relief nothing was wrong, and affirmed it is a good turn that I am changing our contact’s association.

We received the temporary rental assistance, then fell back out of the system – as it is want to eject those it is helping

However, tenuous tallies show that as of May 1st we can just barely hold our own again, without government subsidy.

These are some of the things I am working on, and though they may seem concrete, I look for ways to shift them.

949 is an angel number associated with tolerance. Number meaning 99 is a signal of persistence. This is pushing on to your goals despite the troubles

https://www.sunsigns.org/angel-number-949-meaning/

I don’t like feeling emotionally of center, and for the last several weeks, I have been swimming in too deep waters.

I finally made it back to the gym with the machines I like, and since my neck went out anyway earlier today and the ER scans from last weekend showed nothing noteworthy, I played bilateral racquetball on my own and had a great time swinging and having fun with it – finished off with light weights on specific machine of my choosing

For a moment, even though my neck is torgued in spasming pain, I feel centered as myself again.

As my cervical vertebrae slid-popped back out of place while I worked on a client, the impingement onto my nerve rendered my right eye fuzzy sighted again.

At least I have it confirmed now that my sight is being affected by neck muscle tension.

One would think it easy for a practitioner to get help from a fellow therapist, but no one knows my techniques that restore neck mobility like I do.

It is quite vexing to know how to help others recover, yet not be able to receive the same or better assistance.

Kindness in love makes the world’s wealth abound,
Whereas violence and greed corrupt our potential.

Spirit wants to break free into physical connection expression.

Trusting that my processor has filed for an extension, I plow through last year’s trials and triumphs as I seek qualifying expenses to write off.

I suppose the process, as it drags me back through that which I’ve just clambered out of, might bring a sense of some closure to the anarchy.

It had been sitting on the mountain for a year, through weather as snow and moisture creeping.

The economical trend is that this is a seller’s market for vehicles. Someone with money would see my car as a worthy investment – if it was already theirs.

I just cannot fathom dumping thousands of dollars into fixing it from the broken timing belt and upper engine damage, knowing it will also need further repairs for upgrades.

This car has been what I needed a car to be and I do not know how I will replace it.

But, I must stop financial wounds, before they bleed.

I think I need to sell it, even if only for minimal gain.

I dislike this decision, but it seems necessary to preserve our situation.

I spoke with my counselor today and she got to experience what I call “transitional jatter” when different project realities are colliding and overlapping from different perspectives.

She reassured me (we have history from a year ago together, so she “knows” me) that what I am phasing through right now is “normal,” given what I have gone through, and that even though it doesn’t feel like it can, things will shift within me again for the better.

I do not need a lot to be happy, but I like quality in what I have.

Independent Healer – lol.

If we are asleep, other sleepwalkers find us.

If we are awake, they are deflected.

How does our tribe find us?

I am looking forward to when this spasm beast lets go of my neck!!!

New players came in and engaged roles with me, as if allowing me to try on partnerships.

In the end, the one I liked most took his time, getting to know me while sharing his life interests.

There was no rush or pressure, and things moved along easily between us.

This does not mean it is how things must always be.

But, the dream allowed my relaxing.

I can step up to various roles.

I just need to feel centered.

There was no one at the back of the store but me, and suddenly I heard a woman yelling and hollering out back. It didn’t sound like she was the typical off-meds crazy person, and she kept on broadcasting.

I hurried up to the front of the store and told the cashiers and tellers, and soon saw the local fire department truck and paramedics appear.

it turned out that the night delivery driver had lowered her truck’s ramp and got her leg caught under it when it descended too quickly.

It is better to go it alone until I find the man who understands me correctly.

Scans are clear so PT and muscle relaxers should help get pressure off nerves, eventually.

I wonder what impression of me and my life I am presenting in these selective snapshots about things I would not normally share.

It feels like desperation when tension presses upon cervical hind mem-brain and rarely reduces.

It likely has more to do with my lagging faith and hope in humanity because I am afraid we are failing.

I see couples out there making it work – but more often, I see how societal interaction is degrading.

It is need to find my heart’s life mate and passion’s purpose to elevate our spcies’ destiny.

Clean up wreckage

Complete English training

The realization that one spot tweaked in the neck could bork a whole system in one-second unhinges self confidence.

Luckily, I now have an orthopedist I am seeing and can soon begin trouble-shooting.

The hidden loss (my deepest grief) was watching the men I have loved suffer injury, then turn away from the light that made them shine – which meant that they also chose to turn away from me, because I reminded them of it.

I took two weeks off from working out to reliwve pressure where I could from my system while still exceptionally high performance pushing.

My physical reward is migraine, seizure, and legs tight edema swelling from clinic sports percorming.

Oh – and apparently now my body is having a sugar insulin crash-thingy reaction.

Wee!!!

MESSAGE RECEIVED, BODY.

If they follow a lot of women, I do not let them follow me.

I can tell when I have been pushed too hard internally, and then have given too much externally, when I return to my family and the dogs’ behaviors seem against me – making me angry.

If he knew me well and knew the details of my situation, he likely would have advised me to finish up what needs finishing before I joined in adventures with him – especially after upon seeing how much pressure was fragmenting.