Category: Stream of Thought

Love motivates almost everything that I do. Without it, living is just cohabitation on a planet, in a life without much meaning.

When others avoid their responsibility, then project the cost onto you.

If I rarely encountered it again, this would be gratifying.

I am tired of it being shoved into my senses when I want to experience life’s blooms, naturally.

One must look forward, instead of backward, to acquire it – although looking backward may help better define.

What I know and what I tell myself in unruly messaging are not necessarily the same – though they ought to be.

If we say muscular as “musk-yu-lar,”
Why not muscles as “mus-kles?”

Be sure to not make a wrong one.

Workout, eat right, plan for future –
Or limit movement and hunker down.

An assault on neuromuscular cells
Which results in action, or inaction.

Withdrawing from society 
As act of self preservation 

Can increase isolation and
Hunger for communication.

Have I sought it –
Or the opposite?

Illusive when it’s sought for –
Yet, finds where you’ll stand.

Complex analog is a challenge to master
Once one removes its prior programming:

Such coding was the background structure
Upon which premises of reality resided, and

Without fortifying guidance to replace it,
The unit flounders while in recalibration.

Deciding what I shall do or be –
Beyond what already achieving,

Is not as easy as it would seem
To any outside glimpse-viewing.

I manage diverse elements that
Are pieces of directional entirety –

Which makes it difficult to decide
Which aspects to expand upon.

Knowing that I can create my own path
Is not the same as what it takes to do it.

Mainly, jumping on the hamster wheel,
Churning out energy funneled toward
Some system’s continued functioning.

Rarely is there creativity’s spark
Or chance for real contribution.
Where, then, is my incentive?

The amount of energy required
To sustain constant movement is
Greater than I have or am willing
To commit to by chasing own tail 
For fulfilling others’ expectations.

I am fascinated by life: the miracle of it is a blessing.
I am drawn to help regenerate it, like mother instinct.

But, keeping it alive once it’s born is a riddled puzzle:
Factors seen and unseen affect health and outcome.

Babies and adults will get into things, by curiousity;
Wild animals cross paths and impart viral oddities.

Animal husbandry is more complicated than easy –
Requiring hard work and continuous responsibility.

When humans impose, life for animals can be easier:
They do not need to fend for nor protect themselves.

When you remove the coddling, they’re vulnerable:
Predators arrive, killing them brutally for their food.

We had a gorgeous Copper Maran rooster outside
That recently met such a fate – feathers scattered.

He had wandered out from under cover of trees and
Was given what I’d call an honorable warrior’s death.

It was better than an ax to the neck or cock fighting,
But, I still feel as if I let him down by gifting freedom.

Like a body under attack from its own immune system, the earth is plagued by human disregulation.

Yet, unlike the body’s cells, humans can self individuate, taking pieces of the earth systems into themselves by nurturing philosophies, if not physically.

We can separate from these injured systems, holding places of isolated healing applications in sanctity, until such a day when we may rejoin and form a more nourishing collective of communities.

We are part of life’s system – yet, able to step outside of it. Because of this, we can gain perspectives other sentience might not be graced with.

Therefore, we are charged by inherency of such freedoms to act responsibility, and to make beneficial decisions.

We must do this for ourselves, for each other, and for Life itself, if we wish to have a better future.

It becomes clear to me that it does not matter what I invest in, if I do not ensure first and foremost, I will have me.

Solid. Independent. Thriving.

Until that day, no one may conscript me – except my children: they are the only ones who deserve my fealty.

Meanwhile, as seems my role in advocacy, I will share what I can, in passing.

We are the few, at whom others gaze with disbelief, wishing they were strong enough to speak their minds, wondering how they, too, might gain internal relief.

There is always a penalty – whether by external imposition, or the price you pay for turning against inside what you know to be right.

It’s just a matter of what we each think we are willing to bear, and in the end, I am left alone with my conscience.

I want it to be clean – for the world, and for me.

Our state government is now making it law that all healthcare workers must be vaccinated.

The issue is not that providers are spreading the virus, but that we are who they can force by law to “control” us. They can revoke our licenses.

This ruling removes any personal right to choose that I own, against my own health management reasons, and sets bad precedence,

This allows governance to begin forcing other laws onto workers in order to keep jobs, and makes my body their property instead of private domain.

Where does it stop, then? Does the government choose my birth control method, when and if I have children, what foods I eat, supplements I can and cannot take?

In order to work, do I conscript all rights of my individuality to become absorbed into a mindless mechanism squeezing my essence for its profit – am I just a unit, a throw away widget for the state’s dictates?

Because this strips me of my rights to govern over my own body, I feel the need to abdicate my position and not participate as a contributor to society – at least, no longer directly.

I have been delayed in getting my vaccination due to illness from which I’m still recovering. I have been waiting until my body is strong again, to help counter valid concerns of side effects from the vaccinations.

I have been advised by other health professionals to wait until I know my body can better handle this. I have been struggling, already, to figure out how to return to the profession and be there consistently for clients.

This state’s forcing compliance puts it to me strait: get vaccinated, or lose your license.

Ok. Thank you for making the choice clear to me.

I now realize I must seek another profession, at least temporarily. Forget making good money while helping people. Forget trying to get out of debt. Forget generating taxes for my state. Forget lending my helping hands to others.

I will do what you want me to do. I will abdicate my power to “authority.”

Here you go. Take It All. I will no longer participate. See you on the back end, after I am healthy enough to handle the vaccine. IF I choose it for myself – It will be MY choice to get it!

Because I AM NOT THE PROBLEM. It’s all those uneducated people refusing to follow PRP consistently who are crowding into other people’s spaces, going into public when they are sick and coughing, and not taking it seriously when they know they’ve been exposed to COVID.

I know, firsthand – for I live in such a community. You see the instant difference in more mature society if you travel North or South to better education. Yet, these people are not held accountable for their own in-public flaunting of belligerent noncompliance.

I have already proven myself. I’ve already made the supreme sacrifice as a health care provider when my ex-boss allowed someone into the office who had just recovered from COVID, but whose family members were still in quarantine.

I was not allowed the option to say, “Hey, I can’t work on this person because he smells sick.” I knew I would lose my job because my boss believed COVID to be a hoax and a way for government to interfere with how he ran his business.

So, the client was in my small, sealed room for 45 minutes, and I could tell his body was still fighting off something. The longer the massage went on, the more I became aware I was put in a precarious position. But, I couldn’t bring it up with my boss. It had been his authoritative decision.

I began getting sick the next week, and knew it wasn’t a normal cold – that is was heavier. I was due to work on a pregnant woman supposed to deliver her baby the next week. I said to my boss by text, “Hey, do you think I should take a couple days off to get tested and make sure I’m negative? He went off on me and fired me. For asking and advocating.

Then, he lied about firing me and got my unemployment benefits suspended. He told unemployment I voluntarily quit so he would not have to pay the benefits. I stand before you an excellent healthcare provider who went above and beyond my call of service, sacrificing my livelihood to preserve life – against the tide of willful ignorance.

Look at the damage one man with power over me was able to inflict. What do I have to show for this? No income, for sure – I lost work I’d finally gained of $4,000/month after years of poverty, and then I lost the meager $150/week of unemployment benefts. I have no trust in the system, now. I do not believe I can rely on employment.

I gave my all to the healthcare system and ensured clients were protected by my own strict adherence to PRP.. I was there for people when others walked away during the pandemic, and I stepped back when I felt I couldn’t guarantee their safety.

I am NOT the threat. I am NOT the reason COVID keeps spreading.

And I won’t be threatened – insult to injury. I will not be forced to abdicate my rights to choose how I’ll manage the health of my body because other people are destroying The Law of Our Commons.

I am not your average Time Walker,
For I like materializing on Earth’s planes.

But then, I get confused as I disappear again –
Never sure if I’m a part of, or separate from, reality.

I could do things, but
Without knowing why or

Having a greater reason, it
Deflects my need for meaning.

I feel there is a great wind sweeping off of the ocean, pushing inland, and that if I’m not careful, I will get sucked into its tow, redeposited far from my homeland.

I feel places calling to me from across the world, leading me eastward – and I hunker down, clinging to grip of a pick ax thrust into the ground, letting hunger’s currents flow through me.

I must remain free to decide where to go, and nothing as yet presents clear and viable.

I have a huge sense of honor
With judgment against self
For wrongs uncommitted.

In the art of obfuscation.

I knew I would be beaten
Before I played the game:

When saw the patterns,
I had to start over again.

Charge me, I’ll revive you
Until dawn’s day is new.

Detain me and drain me,
You’ll get nothing new.

We are a collective of
Conscious, collaborative cells

Communicating sensorily –
Conveying imagery.

Creating environments
Where good can happen.

I have been developing my own style,
Hesitant to try other methods, when

Any yoke has always been heavy –
And being whipped, unpleasant.

Without core strength, there is
Nothing to move forward from.

I was just texted by one I met quite a while ago.
He says he’s single now, and likes older women.

He says I’m sexy and wants to pursue me.
I told him thank you, please move onward

Because I personally don’t think that any
Love between two people is a light thing.

If I’d choose a younger man, it’s due to merit –
Not because I desire to have a younger man!

And Then,

He sent me his d*** pic…
It isn’t size that impresses.

Seeking one’s soul mate is a task for the outrageously insane – or the creatively inspired.

– Title ref to book by L. Ron Hubbard

My creativity is a vehicle, and I am its passenger. A symbiotic relationship where we feed and nourish each other.

We both have destinations in mind, and learn from while aiding each other.

Am I tthe host, or dependent upon it? Neither can exist, without the other.

Writing allows the mind the space to think more clearly, analyzing skeins of data, and considering larger to small picture meaning.

It also gives a chance to play out scenarios, and design them more to one’s liking – at least, with regards to what we’d prefer to say, if emotions and other reactions wouldn’t crowd into our way.

Perhaps in our conversations, we’d be more wise or witty.

We stood together briefly, off to the side, both having by chance attended the same event.

“You seem to be doing well for yourself, now,” he commented in a friendly greeting. “Yes. I knew somehow I would overcome,” I replied, giving away nothing I was feeling. Why did his presence irk me so much? And why did I want more of it?

“I can see you’ve taken a step forward in pursuing some of your own ambitions,” I said, nodding to a lovely woman. “Well, yes. Your words to me kind of put it to me bluntly. Funny how things happen, isn’t it?”

“Yes,” I agreed. “In fact, some things are almost too predictable.” Awkward pause from him as he cleared his throat. “Any luck finding your soul mate?” He ventured. How I did love his gallantry.

“None, yet. But, I suspect sucess has something to do with ‘it only happens when you’re not looking,” or I haven’t done enough work on myself, yet, – or maybe he isn’t even here in this time, on this planet.”

“Hm,” he thought about it. But, before he could offer his insight, someone signalled he was needed elsewhere. He gave his apologies to me and turned to go.

On sudden impulse, I reached out to detain him a moment longer. “Hey, listen…I don’t know how or why, but I would like us to stay connected. It seems important. Is there a way we could?”

“Uh, I’m not sure that’s appropriate. I will have to think on it. If I think of something, I’ll let you know.” And the world of posh enlivery regathered him into its fold.

Elation when in
Higher realms.

Spiritual congruencies
Transcend limitations.

it is strange to be a unit
Outside system program

Trending currents that
Lead to understanding.

Many would argue we should not have saved the mouse, for mice are known for damaging crops, property, carrying fleas with disease, and more.

But, humans have been known for even greater destruction…any one representative of a species is not “destined” to be like the others.

There are other factors involved we don’t always see that cause extremes, and acts of kindness can help us find better answers.

It is to do with climbing performance. The longer the tail, the better the climber. Arboreal dwelling mice hence tend to have longer tails than those that inhabit grasslands.

Theguardian.com

Early this morning, my youngest called, “Hey Mom – there’s a mouse in the sink…”

“A bwah…whah?” my sleep-beleguered mind wrestled to comprehend what they were telling me, trying not to snap connection from REM.

“A mouse in the sink.”

“So? Get it out of there.” Feeble attempt to confer authourity.

“I can’t, it’s stuck.”

(Bwahuwah?)

Anyone who knows anything about mice knows that it’s near impossible for a mouse to get stuck in anything because their bones are beyond flexible. (Who’s dreaming, here?)

“I don’t know what you’re talking about,” I mumbled out to deflect the issue. (Do they know what they’re talking about?) My lucidly languid thought patterning quipped internally.

“It’s in the pipe, behind the grate,” they pressed, clearly wanting my help.

“Leave it alone, I’ll deal with it, later…Let me sleep.”

Maybe the issue would resolve itself. It had made its way there by mysterious mouse magic. Maybe it could find its own way out.

++++

Youngling’s account, in their words:

I heard weird splashing sounds coming from the drain, far-too erratic to be caused by a leaking faucet. Flicking on my phone’s flashlight, I gazed into the depths of the drain to see movement. A cluster of long white things crowded below the drain’s grate. What was that? Had a spider crawled inside? No, they were whiskers, and little rodent feet revealed the mysterious creature to be a mouse. It splashed around in backed-up pipe water, gazing up at me with beady black eyes.

I laughed. How on earth had it gotten there? More importantly, why? What had compelled this little mouse to crawl through our entire drainage system? And just how waterboarded had it gotten, by that point?

I chuckled and tried to wake mom, her half-asleep words calling in a confused tone. “Mouse? Mouse?? In the sink? Which sink? No more, deal with it tomorrow. Sleep.”

I checked back on the mouse to see it hanging from the sink’s grate by its teeth, its little nose peeking out of the drain. It hung there, staring at me. It seemed to be okay sleeping there for the night.

Of course, mom forgot about the mouse, and proceeded to waterboard it more the next morning, before we freed it.

++++

Around 9 am, I got up, used the toilet, and washed my hands, toweling them dry before shambling back to bed for more sleep.

Around 11:30 am, I resigned myself to get up, as I could hear my parents outside loading their caravan, preparing to leave soon.

I used the toilet and washed my hands. Then, I brushed my teeth, spit, flossed, brushed, and rinsed again, finishing with more spitting out any remnants. I dried my mouth, then went back to the sink and rinsed off my face once…twice…three times with the water still running.

I dried my face and curled my bangs, brushed my hair, and went in search of a hair tie to gather my hair with.

++++

2 pm

“Mom…did you get the mouse?”

“What mouse?”

“The one in the sink.”

“What mouse in the sink?”

And my youngest shows me where there’s been a mouse in the bathroom sink, which I now begin fuzzily remembering about – and to my dawning shame and horror, realize that I’ve been waterboarding it!

Thence ensued the following photos of rescuing what turned out to be a newly independent mouseling.