Category: Stream of Thought

To rent a car costs the same as a moving truck: pardon me as I stop in my tracks – flabbergasted!

Sometimes it feels like being smothered inside a sealed handbag – then swing-pummeled against a hard surface until bruised and complacent.

As I dashed out the door, fumbling on my way to a massage just for my own healing, the rainfall cushioned the blow of our car’s not working.

They say a “soul mate” 
Exists for each of us…

But, it also depends
On who’s Awakening.

(November 14, 2020)

It’s blessed relief to get to have one again.

A clear mind, free from fear.

Not the absences of fear, but having the ability and will to redirect it to one’s productive purpose.

Are we greater than our injuries?

As a woman, I’ve been told it is unattractive if I’m strong and bold.

As a woman, I’ve been shown what happens if I give another my power’s authority.

Perhaps it is better to be neutrally androgenous.

When broken, one must further fragment one’s self to keep the already fragmented pieces from fighting.

It’s important to prevent any one faction from dominating while the matrices in-between configure proper healing.

By writing it down, I ensure and preserve my own honesty.

I can feel it sometimes: that next level of ascension, where insecurities fade into the background, and all that matters is what we are growing together in our devotion’s loving synergy.

Good traits that can nourish a relationship are seen as bad when a relationship fails.

No more self-sacrificing, over-accomodating to make up for gaps in relationship circumstances, nor overextending myself when the other distances.

What the heck does this mean, then, to my actual functioning?

“Just don’t be me.”

Identity crisis

Finding a suitable match for me is not easy, for now I must make sure I, too, will be well satisfied..

In honestly assessing myself, my needs are diverse because I am not merely 2-dimensional.

Yesterday, I went through our storage in the bathroom, dumping two full bags of assorted nail polish (because they were over 10 years old by now) and happening upon several boxes of hair color from mild to bright and astounding.

Something tells me I’ve been craving color in my darkened days – and finding my eye shadow collection again, I look forward to attending events where I’ll get to display it!

Underground, there was the ache of silence and fighting demons. As I move forward, the view brightens, a river refreshes, and I hear songs of happy, productive humans.

I thought I was supposed to be a recluse: funny how circumstances frame a mindset.

A woman needs one, in absence of the real thing.

Can a woman depend on a man?

Some things do not heal, but only fade by distance.

That which one must regain for inner strength.

We happened upon a small drum circle last night, and the off-kilter-to-smooth beats were nostalgic as learners found their way, interweaving.

Afterwards, my youngest turned to me and suggested we begin our own duo by the river. I delighted at the idea, for our energy is bright and clear.

“How I wonder what you are…”

I dreamed of one last night who visited my earth, and together, we made sweet melody.

I follow through on my promises: moving to a better place was one of them.

Though a relationship ends before begins, I’ll use the impetus to win.

When one’s buffers no longer exist, premises can assist: here, I am this person; there, I am that. This necklace symbolizes, and flowers for thankfulness. Spiraling forward, making new tracks – while leveraging away from the past.

I found a gym that uses salt instead of chlorine for sanitizing its pool water!

I’ve heard that the person who caused damage then making amends can help.

If someone says my name, and there is a painful or fearful response inside of me, they have caused my shame or harm for investing in them: inner response then attacks self confidence and floods system with alarm, causing pensiveness.

I couldn’t get the hotel alarm clock to cancel, and its Snooze button kept going on and off during the half hour I tried sleeping.

I finally hard-pulled the side table away from the wall and found the little bastard’s plug – after accidentally pulling out the light’s, plunging my sight again into heavy curtained darkness.

Another day, and suddenly I’m thrust awake, to rise up and and take it all on again.

Your worries would be lifted, and light would guide your way.

Today is my first official day of work in a place I feel welcomed.

We’re finally making it somewhere – this is huge!

I mean, yeah…piss-smelling carpeted hallways from either unmanaged dogs or tripping-out residents.

But – this is huge!

It is strange to feel as I write, when tears alight.

We will be as those who were before – only better at responding adaptably, while ensuring prosperity’s propagation.

I had hoped to create stories – yet,
My life’s story unfolds before you.

I have the book, but I haven’t read through, yet. I’m too busy navigating parallels to it.

I could not gain acceptance of our mutual validity
Because he was dealing with his own insecurities.

If there is something I am drawn toward which completely takes over my will and lures me to follow it without question, I must angle with the pull sideways, so I can break from its direct grip while still floating toward it, able to better properly assess it. I am no moth to a flame.

It’s one thing to desire to move toward the self’s improvement,
And another to leave behind what one has come to appreciate.

We found a good place, small and cozy.

But my due benefits have been miscalculated, which explains their slow, low returns.

Also, our hound needs next stage quiet training, as our neighbors will be snugged against us.

In attempting to make this next big leap, we’ve happened upon a small oasis.

It even seems our prospective landlord understands, likes, and accepts us!

Can we bridge to this successfully? Will the energies get behind and boost us?

We will need to downsize our arc into an even smaller vessel.

But, it’s worth it to acquire a new, solid beginning.

I have been given employment and drummed by the river with a free-form player
Whose rhythm inspired me to share with him a high energy 9/8 with a variation!

Perhaps solid character is only in fiction – and
I’ve designed my persona out of pure fantasy.

Any place to rest can seem like Safe Haven – even if it isn’t.

Body-mind psychology has only so much
It will take before it reacts by regressing:

The message is clear: we must leave here.

Understanding how it all works
Does not mean I must live in it!

We need positive, beneficial reinforcement – rather than master manipulation and narcissistic subterfuge.

“A hunted wolf learns to cover its tracks.”

A.S.

Being both the patient and the healer:
Resourceful use of fragmented identity.

A braniac driving flips me off with full-frontal
Aggression from a minor misunderstanding.