As yet, there is just no way to stop nor counter the countless miniscule tremors and sudden redirection diversions within my muscular synapses – which makes doing anything quickly or smoothly a bumbling and frustrating venture!
Category: The Accident – As Of 10/10/25 Early AM Named “Clyde” (Short For Collide) Because It’s Funny And I Deserve Mirth At Its Expense
Casting About
As yet, I have no solid idea of how I may reenter the workforce at at least comparable rate of pay to that which I worked hard to earn before the accident.
Keening
I feel it and sense that part of me, gibbering and wailing in my mind at how the accident has bumped me into the ranks of disability.
Slippage
I projected the patterns and recognized this zone I am now navigating could be problematic – but the injuries make it harder to weather.
Transition
I wonder who I could have been, but try to focus on who I will become.
Lag
It occurs to me as I move through this latest phase of having been injured that those many times that I was picked on as a child and called “stupid,” or accused of ignoring subject matter, or not responding quick enough to people’s demands – just not immediately gyrating to their puppetry – was because of multiple bouts of experienced head trauma.
But I was inside here all the while, observing, thinking…
And not allowed any room nor encouragement for reemergence.
Sometimes, I wanted to scream.
Other times, I would just lapse into despondent, drawn out silence.
But always, I was just waiting…
Waiting for my time.
Waiting for safety.
One Notch
Abdominal inflammation now beginning to shift, it seems I have decreased in belt size.
Tangental Thinking
The psychological evaluator suggested after four hours of testing that perhaps, as apparently many females in our society, I had gone through life undiagnosed with ADHD.
I pose an alternative theory: that the mind learns to diverge around repeated traumatic physical and mental-emotional injury for survival of its host body, and alternative preservation of its soul’s integrity.
Mixed Messages
The accident made it impossible to continue im my healing career (at least temporarily) and forced my hand in reaching for my next level of ascension.
But there has been great cost to my body’s well being in pain and damage, which leaves me feelimg as if I have been back-handed and reprimanded.
Sometimes I Feel
Moments of “better.”
Jitters
I had known that my spine was greatly compromised by the accident, but even so, seeing visual confirmation along with evidence of at-that-time spinal chord compression is distressing.
At least I can see that my reactivation efforts have preserved the disk spacing, and that my spinal chord is repairing.
(Walk – Foo Fighters)
“Where Do I Begin?”
Music: “Walk” By Foo Fighters
Note the chainlink fencing…
“Hey, I Needed That!”
“Corben, I-I-I have no juice in my spiiine, Corben!” (Movie “Fifth Element” reference)
L1-L2 disk needs rehydrating, from center-punch rear-ending car accident at a stoplight August 2023.
Spinal Injury
I am missing an important Oreo (TM) cookie double stuff filling.
Here, Now
As the effects of concussion flared their sway upon her brain’s processing capabilities in its next stages of recalibration, she experienced bouts of panic as distortion coated perceptions.
Rallying
To counter the disruptive effects of the accident, I immediately lept back into school, hoping to pull myself forward into a self healing paradigm.
Progress
Some of my muscles are beginning to reactivate!
Ghosts In The Machine
Re-exploring exercises I used to do years ago in hopes that my body will remember and reboot to how its muscles and nerves used to function…
The only drawback is revisiting prior associations.
(Be Ok – Ingrid Michaelson)
Brachial Plexus
Literally a “break through.”
Processing
It p***es me off that mine is mitigated.
Keeping Pace
Dodging
Weaving to and fro
Bypassing
Neuropathy
Tracking and
Triangulating
Where progress
May advance
Before next
Impinged.
The Lockdown
I used to be capable of caring for others, and though I felt isolated and met external resistence, my heart beat red and was willing.
But since the car accident, this capability to love others has been narrowing, funneling down into my center, where there is only room for me.
Dodging Crocodiles
It seems to have become my lot to keep jumping from lilypad to turning log – then to lilypad and only briefly solid rock – and then on to further instabilities while frequently challenged to validate my already proven realities.
Fizzled
From a 4 hour assessment.
Setbacks
I tried doing a little therapy on a loved one this evening and found that I am still too injured and destabilized, which remains alarming.
I mean, it makes sense how I was injured – because I was the one in the accident.
But I have never heard of such injuries being acquired or experienced in the ways that have happened to me.
Tissaia: The Price Of Chaos
“One of the first things we learn about Chaos is that it always has consequences. There is a cost to this magic. And eventually, we all must pay. It is not a gift. It is a trade. And often, that trade leads us to dark places. But there are always bright spots.”
The Witcher, Netflx
It’s Funny
I keep expecting myself to get out of pain, although the impact happened only a few months ago.
What I Want
Full recovery into a life of vitality.
And the extra good and joy that comes with it!
Gold Linings
She had been hurt, but also afforded new opportunities.
Tensile Elasticity
The accident had overstretched the connective tissues so that when she pushed against her own internal boundaries to gain strength, they blew out, which left her emotionally exhausted.
Social Elevation
It was not easy, nor comfortable, to be among the first to promote an improved value system.
(Title play with words)
A Case For Humanity
Was she foolish? She fretted as she limped through the kitchen to let the dogs out.
It was customary to sue for pain and suffering, and clearly, she was experiencing plenty of that.
But her will was determined to overcome – or at least bypass – her multiple symptoms.
And she was retraining for a replacement career that could be very exciting.
She did not believe in causing harm to others because she had been harmed – except when necessary in the most extreme situations.
Pause Of The Claimant
People she spoke with assumed she would sue because “she had a right to.”
But she also knew that the person having to pay had not been at fault. It had been her partner driving.
She was surprised and a bit disgusted with the toxic money-hungering liturgy in society’s system.
Perhaps she did not have her own priorities correct – especially after having endured repeated homelessness and poverty.
But it was one thing to pursue what was owed to one’s self from a huge agency set up for such compensations.
And quite another if the tally directly affected another person who personally could not afford it.
Facing The Lion
A trip to the surgeon.
Mixed Blessing
It appears that any type of manual labor is no longer going to be something that I can easily nor frequently do.
Adjustment
At this point, I am just focusing on trainimg for a new career because I do not see how or when I can return to performing healing therapies.
Sequential Order
The doctor is waiting to investigate my neuropathy until the back injury is analyzed.
His reasoning is that the neck will remain malpositioned until the spine is stacked correctly.
(Title play with words)
The Meltdown
It was not easy hearing that I might have a blown disk requiring surgery. MRI’s ordered will soon reveal the tale.
Trusting The Process Of Alchemy
I had asked for “an intervention.”
You know, like praying.
Yet on the day of the accident, I felt extreme anxiety.
Smoke from fires in nearby regions was hazing the local atmosphere thick down to the ground, making it hard to breathe, think, or see clearly.
My parents had just bought me an airplane ticket to visit them and I was worried about the timing of leaving my family.
When we had lived on the mountain, isolation made fears like the potential of fire suddenly spreading a grim and desperate reality.
I was wrestling with the odds and felt picked upon by the smoke energy’s chaotic influences.
It felt like forces that were once trapped in time’s matrix had been suddenly released by the fire’s combustion of matter.
I could feel the energies running rampant, like some great beast swirling, greedy and hungry to influence and devour everything.
I had to leave the house to escape the psychic bombardment grappling at my psychology.
And thus, I inadvertently found where the energy was free-flowing, thinking that by going straight to my physical therapy appointment, I would be securing a “free pass” by clear intentioning.
But the beast caught me at a stoplight, where I was forced to stay still while the opposite flow of traffic began resuming.
At least I saw the car coming from behind about to hit me – and could jam on the brakes so that the impact would not hurt anyone in front of me.
But this camel got suddenly “pushed through the eye of a needle.”
Yeah, that’s me.
I always try to be an “acception to the rule.”
Now, I am back in the realm of the “In-Betweens.”
I have to laugh because revisiting here is becoming another thematic.
Maybe I should just stay here.
Stop struggling and aspiring.
The scenery is lovely and the people seem to be genuinely caring and receptive to my being friendly.
Meanwhile, I am gathering resources to rebuild my ship’s integrity.
But my body’s strength got left back there on the street’s pavement.
Maybe if I keep driving over the spot, my scattered pieces will return to me.
I can’t go backwards in time, and I can’t make any external commitments while I’m healing.
And I do not know what the future holds for me.
What Phoenix Fire of rejuvenation can redeem?
I am working on generating magnetism.
Project Completion
Striving to achieve any success so that I can see and feel patterns rebuilding is the goal here.
But I must find out why this is happening, the implications, and what I need for recovering.
Retraining
It is alarming to feel nerve resistance and pain when attempting to play a few piano keys.
My fingers yelling suddenly – “Hey, don’t do that!” – brings doubt as to the direction I should be pursuing for recovery.
Beyond Set Back
Before the car accident, I had begun feeling at last that someday I might be able to run again.
I had relished the idea of being able to ride my bicycle.
I had flourished in the warm heat of summer’s baking into my bones again.
Now, my joint connections quiver.
My steps are unsteady and hips insecure.
The nerves in my hands flare and muscles begin overtightening if I use them beyond minimal.
I am minus back-to-the-beginning.
In fact, I am so far back as to be set into a state of coordination’s confusion.
Movement pings my consciousness into sensations not reassuring – and if I am not careful, I can tip too easily into panic’s desperation from fear of stumbling and falling.
I drop things more often, as my outer finger grippers are nerve-pathway overstimming.
And this is being allowed to still “reach for” rejoining disrupted synaptic connections, whereas other people have been barred.
Possibly forever.
That’s where the panic comes in – and the desperation when I’m thinking I must push harder.
It is frightening to feel my body and mind short-circuiting.
I can feel the maw’s edge closer than most of us would normally ever perceive – again – and it is terrifying.
It is more convincing now that I should just submit to it and give up.
It is Demanding.
Maybe I need more rest.
Give me back that buffer – that place that for a moment, I believe that I am still capable of achieving nearly anything.
Without A Shell
Getting center-punch-rocked from behind through the spine while experiencing one’s neck go “whippy-snappy” strips one’s nerves of any artifice – exposing them to more raw stimulus than should be taken in, and leaves one feeling paper-thin.
Candid Corvid Productions 