Why the darn it (!)
Am I wide awake?
Oh…
Perhaps all drowsy
Has fled the body
As compressing
The impact zone
Hoping to release
Torsion tension
Why the darn it (!)
Am I wide awake?
Oh…
Perhaps all drowsy
Has fled the body
As compressing
The impact zone
Hoping to release
Torsion tension
The wound
Isn’t shallow
In fact, it is
Deeply buried
In the stillness
Like a gravity well
Pulling inward when
Reaching forward
To tug backward
As if anchored
By a taught band
Barely yielding
The accident’s impact reactivated all of the mind-body’s received negative messaging and insecurities about it being safe in any way, shape, or form to express myself.
I feel like a twitching-nerve ensemble!
The sun and the moon, toes in the sand, waiting for the sun to rise and the tide to roll in…yeah, give me the good life.
Omg, I just realized…this song was posted on the very day of my car accident, after I had “asked” for an “intervention” to place me on track for ‘the good life.”
A strange and painful way for me to be assisted in jumping tracks…but I am on my way…
I feel and feel deeply.
And as the injuries take new dimensions of increased swelling and pressure, I feel afraid.
“I will get better…
Somehow, I am going to recover…”
(Crash and burning noises in the background)
As some systems begin coming back on line, more pain and instability is encounteted.
I realized yesterday that if I were trying to date now that I would be labeled as disabled because I am having to use walking sticks.
August 15, 2023: a year since the accident.
In a couple of days marks the year anniversary of the acident.
I’m not supposed to be worse – but better!
How unfair after such valiant, determinedly unwavering struggles to overcome – having made it to higher ground, only to be wounded!
Grief at the loss of ready adaptation and being able to lead the pace for one’s pups – at the same time of their natural differentiating.
I had looked forward to keeping pace with them.
Howl.
Today will be the first day that I begin trying to function without the hip brace that gave a base of support for my injured spine.
Everything is too much to handle right now.
My situation has so many interwoven and expansive complexities.
“Why is this happening to me?! I’ve been Good. I’ve worked hard. I’ve advocated for others and contributed…oh yeah…none of that “matters” to the forces that be…”
But more effort.
It makes me angry to have people not help and then project their issues onto me.
I have my own to contend with!
A doctor should not shrink and take on a victim role when a patient is hurting and needing answers – especially if the patient has not done anything to elicit this.
Inward pressure, outward bound.
At some point, all of the efforts that I have put into recovery have got to show as catch up to me.
(After Having TBI Reactivated During Summer)
Identifiable format, recognizable format.
These are things that make note taking complicated for me because the visual is getting overburdened by cross referencing between formatting in documents, sources, word descriptions.
It’s not smooth transitioning one thing to the next, as if having several pieces of paper on the table where you could place them side by side progressively.
Trying to emulate that on the computer, when every time I leave one screen to find another – say, working between several word documents – then the first one I was working on fricken’ disappears!
Like this updated Windows version, I guess it’s 2012/2013…as you move from one – or you go down there and you press the Word icon to see all of those Word documents you’re working on – you can highlight one, but in order to click it means you leave the other.
And there’s something about that appearing, reappearing, having to search for things over and over and over again, which is bogging my brain down.
So, for example, if I go to save an item, it’s not remembering where I just was – or even near where I was in the desktop folders.
It brings up the same fricken’ beginner start phase all over again.
“Save it to where we think automatically you want it saved, which is not clearly identifiable on the screen when it comes up? Or would you like to choose one of these items, such as Desktop, etc., Browse?”
Browse is the one you want to choose, ’cause if you click on Desktop, nothing really comes up if it’s this certain folder of Desktop vs. the folder – the little tiny folder on the left Desktop will take you to all of Desktop, which opens up a view, which does not have the complete view of everything.
So then you have to scroll, and then you have to find, and when you go to click on the one, it actually shifts everything over before it actually recognizes that you’ve clicked on one.
So when you go to double click to open up that one, by the time you’ve hit the second click, you’re actually positioned over a different folder.
So, it’s either clicking not enough to get to where you wanna go, or it’s clicking too much because you’ve gone too far – all relative to what the computer decides it wants to show you at any given space or time.
And I’m getting lost in these transitional zones.
I’m getting gummed up in these zones of repetition that are not being continuous to how my brain is actually functioning and trying to go on to those next levels vs. going over the old fundamental levels again and again and again!
It’s stopping my brain’s progress.
It’s making me go backwards.
And having to redo the basic fundamentals over and over and over again – which have nothing to do with the progression whereby I was proceeding and barely holding onto in its progression.
This is extremely vexing and makes me not want to do anything which engages the eyes, or the computer, or notetaking, or anything like that because it is becoming ten times as difficult, ten times as taxing – ten times as miring down what my brain is trying to get done.
And at that point, I don’t think it’s worth it!
I’d rather extrapolate.
You know – just-just have this list of resources that I’m going t hrough, and as I go through them, I want to pick out key points that matter and then I can make a reference.
But, if I’m not finding key points that matter, then I’m not gonna make a reference.
I’m just devouring the data, and that’s what I wanna do is I wanna devour the information, let my brain make some connections as it sees fit to.
But if nothing really stands out, I’m not gonna capture it and write about it.
So to have to go back and figure out, “OK, where did I do it? What did I link? What did I listen to?” over and over and over again when I’m already looking at these huge lists, which are not all one list – they’re this list in this email, and this list in this email, and then it’s this email attached to that email…
I mean, there’s just seemingly no way to make this simple.
It’s all bombardment of data identifying where to find something.
But by the time you’ve gone from one place to the next, you’re further down the rabbit hole, and to get back to where you first were is all these jogs and turns and…
I don’t want to get lost in the boggle of it!
(Trying to type the transcript to this recording today is again reactivating the TBI – Haha!)
I don’t know why my hip joints are twisting and seizing.
But I am indulging myself by obtaining more plants!
Like I said…
Gotta get my hips tracking correctly.
I self isolate by choice because it gives space where imposed upon, yet I am around other people frequently.
I will no longer allow any kind of steroid shot. This last one exacerbated brain injury.
The latest in joint twist-pinching compression pretty much sucks.
It seems better to keep to my self while reclaiming lost ground and seeking healing.
Sometimes, the nerves of my fingers twitch in a subconscious cascade effect.
It almost makes no sense to me how more of my physicality is returning to the surface with summer, after almost a year of swimming in deep waters of absentia.
I was small before, but now I am tall.
So tall now that I exceed limitations of my injuries, which keep trying to hamstring me.
They found another torn muscle.
Maybe my being there at that time helped save others and gave a lesson where needed.
Concepts in higher meaning…
At this point, I have no idea what I will do for work – or even how I can return to work!
It doesn’t matter, this rage-filled reaction to perceived injustice at being misidentified and mistreated, influenced by a migraine which is branching from post-accident injuries torsion-imbedding into on-fire synaptic references pinging unremittently inside my spinal cord, thoracic to cervical.
That one rear-ending with precise element factors could cause so much internal damage.
Can make a person feel stupid and incapable.
Is it pain?
Is it trauma?
Don’t want to feed
This brain haze llama.
After giving to the world, it is a struggle to not shut down when I get home. There is no internal buffer balance – just an on and off switch, with grinding pain as a sublevel constant.