“I can’t help but find it wryly laughable that I must meet the mark by end of May, when my body is still experiencing reinjury destabilization in striving to.
I’m only able to inconsistently meet a minimal portion of trying to reclaim once greater target cabilities.”
“The difficulty is that where things are stuck, they keep holding for a reason…and I am not sure yet what is safe to remobilize.”
“A thigh’s fear tries to tell me with courage that while it is the inner anterior joint surface that gave way, something along the lateral IT band took the hard hit, as well, which may still be affecting the torsion.”
Hard-shock, sudden bracing against impact caused shoulders, hips, knees, feet, spinal, and neck joint articulation zones to flange outward incorrectly and freeze like ripped scar tissue.
“Trying to untwist my thigh injury while on the boarder of falling asleep yielded a little bit at last due to PT exercising”
I don’t like having
To identify with TBI
Or having to carefully tread
To avoid ripping further thigh
It angers me to be relegated to
Thin grip working puppet shints
But even as I’m discoordinated
I’ll pursue aspirations initiated
Back when I could do most things
Because inside, I am still here.
Mine is leaning into pain
Fighting needs to scream
As if this resistance
Makes me stronger
Without taking drugs
Or standard escapism
What would you have me do?
Bow down to ripping spasms?
No – I will keep battling through
Tangle-snarls and deep chasms
Because I don’t belong here, you see?
This is temporary insanity’s passing
And memories of a former me
Calling and wailing as evolving
Maybe I am crazy to be striving
When should lay down, let it be
But if I gave in to despair
Then I would lose dreams
“The pain in my legs is excriciatingly unbearable since I’ve begun the new physical therapy exercises.
However, since the work causes stuck muscles to spasm even tighter, there is hope that it is safer to begin differentiating the scar tissued fibers.”
“Attempting erratic energy pulses trying to blast back open once-functional pathways.”
More physical therapy exercises that are applying!!!
“Yes, I have been very afraid while enduring a careful and way too slow recovery process.
My head was almost torn off, for f***’s sake – as well other injury extremes!”
“The effects of the car accident were so extreme that I have had to be very careful on how I proceed toward recovering and healing.
I am now pushing, albeit prematurely, at dislodging terror from defying.”
(Playing with the word “terrifying”)
Between my troubleshooting and my new physical therapist’s sports rehabilitation background, the first excercise she propesed in triangulating is revealing itself to be a major key for misalignment renegotiating!
It was commented to me upon describimg my healing therapies to another practitioner that it must be wonderful that I can perform these techniques upon myself to further my own healing.
But this isn’t the case because the type of damage I experienced blasted apart nerve and fascial fibers throughout my body, and even my muscles feel on constant edge of further separation-tearing.
No one has ever described these kinds of injuries before that I know of.
It’s as if parts of me just bamphed into another reality upon impact, leaving ghost remnants in zone patches in the present, and the rest of me is trying to pull itself back together while those blast zones keep glitching and phasing.
As the patient.
For blasted.nerve ends to regrow and torn fascia structures to amend.
“I already tended to elders, watching them whither in their later years.
I already witnessed vitality of adult youth taken much too soon and experienced caretaking a half life barely being lived.
Now as death surrounds me of beloved companion familars, I experience myself further caught in-between realms.
Nerve-endings painfully screaming, high energy sizzle-crackling at frayed synaptic tips.
Torn joints and muscle fibets struggling to reconnect while disconnecting defensively in response to every attempted movement’s overstim.
Spinal cord compressions tensing from contorting, weakened fascial tissues and shorting out my system struggling to keep producing any beneficial productivity.
I am just describing the microcosm of the seemingly unrelenting, next-level personal hell I keep fighting against to push it back behind daily consciousness to just breath and exist in any given moment.
I am living what is a preamble to a type of aging functional decay, while masking and doing my best to simulate walking and normal interactions.
I swear – there better be a HUGE payoff down the line for this painful continuum’s suffering.
I keep living my life fragmented, out of step with the normal patterns of time’s unfolding.”
“It might be that more of my system is coming online after the long period of shock’s suspension from the accident.
I can’t expect that it has been happy…”
“A plan is to get the surrounding, 3-dimensions of support muscular fibers reactivated and working properly again, thereby decreasing the extreme load currently overstressing the joint capsules.”
It was time for her to start reclaiming her abdominal tenacity that had been strained and contorted from the accident’s impact.
I don’t like traumatic brain injury.
It makes office work more complicated than it should be.
Add to this if the internet needs reconfiguring.
Or if the file components to be accessed are distributed between two systems.
There are things needing to be upgraded and new projects to get out the door.
But now, everything requires more effort than before.
Not only had her hip been torn, but she could feel that it had been jammed, stuck and twisted deep into the wrong position, which made every step’s pressure unpredictably and randomly excruciating.
But this evening when laying on her side, weight against that side, she let that leg stretch-slide down just so – and felt a pain-pinching, suction-schlurp shifting in the joint system, as if the joint head were at last repositioning!
I used to believe, but now it’s just about being relentless against resistance, even if it enforces stopping points.
Fighting to overcome injuries is proving to be a new challenge – but I still plan to win, hedging against inevitabilities.
“It greatly irks me that I ‘should’ be grateful that I can at least now fumble to complete tasks, when others have lost even more capabilities.”
The relative direness of recent findings feels daunting.
Why the darn it (!)
Am I wide awake?
Oh…
Perhaps all drowsy
Has fled the body
As compressing
The impact zone
Hoping to release
Torsion tension
The wound
Isn’t shallow
In fact, it is
Deeply buried
In the stillness
Like a gravity well
Pulling inward when
Reaching forward
To tug backward
As if anchored
By a taught band
Barely yielding
The accident’s impact reactivated all of the mind-body’s received negative messaging and insecurities about it being safe in any way, shape, or form to express myself.
I feel like a twitching-nerve ensemble!
The sun and the moon, toes in the sand, waiting for the sun to rise and the tide to roll in…yeah, give me the good life.
Omg, I just realized…this song was posted on the very day of my car accident, after I had “asked” for an “intervention” to place me on track for ‘the good life.”
A strange and painful way for me to be assisted in jumping tracks…but I am on my way…
I feel and feel deeply.
And as the injuries take new dimensions of increased swelling and pressure, I feel afraid.
“I will get better…
Somehow, I am going to recover…”
(Crash and burning noises in the background)
As some systems begin coming back on line, more pain and instability is encounteted.
I realized yesterday that if I were trying to date now that I would be labeled as disabled because I am having to use walking sticks.
August 15, 2023: a year since the accident.
In a couple of days marks the year anniversary of the acident.
I’m not supposed to be worse – but better!
How unfair after such valiant, determinedly unwavering struggles to overcome – having made it to higher ground, only to be wounded!
Grief at the loss of ready adaptation and being able to lead the pace for one’s pups – at the same time of their natural differentiating.
I had looked forward to keeping pace with them.
Howl.
Today will be the first day that I begin trying to function without the hip brace that gave a base of support for my injured spine.
Everything is too much to handle right now.
My situation has so many interwoven and expansive complexities.
“Why is this happening to me?! I’ve been Good. I’ve worked hard. I’ve advocated for others and contributed…oh yeah…none of that “matters” to the forces that be…”
But more effort.
It makes me angry to have people not help and then project their issues onto me.
I have my own to contend with!
Candid Corvid Productions 