She had not thought of the consequences to herself for bracing against the incoming car’s impact – only that she was in a split second outraged and defiant in her refusal to let the man’s short-sightedness use her and her vehicle as inadvertent means to harm anyone around her.
—
(Title is also the name of a Depeche Mode album)
“The pressures of the years rapidly increasing from the accident’s fallout have produced pronounced silver strands to either side of my cheek bones – which I always thought would be cool, but the Crone is definitely getting to drink her fill.”
Retraining sessions
“Is that like Vitamin C?
Can I buy it as a supplement?”
“No matter what I do, I can’t seem to escape.”
—
(Title of multiple meanings)
“Reactions to compounding lag in an injured system from having to repeatedly respond to new emergencies that push pressure loads beyond capacities into enforced quick adapting can lead to reactions and/or shut downs which present behaviors much like complex PTSD – either drastically slowing or suddenly forcefully expelling energy as a result of the system’s desperate attempts to create space for self regulation.”
“Even with continuing and multi-varied discouragements, I must cling to a moment ago’s realization that as I continue working new patterns over and over, my methods are beginning to adapt into streamlining.
Perhaps much of the issue exacerbating my injuries is constant disruption negatively reinforcing sensory overwhelm and overstimulation.”
“Although I may have just been exposed to COVID right in time to potentially sabotage attending my retraining, it is nice to note that my handwriting is beginning to smooth again at times – compared to right after and since the accident injuries disrupted motor skills coordination.”
“Tomorrow’s going to be a long day due to even less sleep than usual.”
“Even only mildly and briefly vacuuming increases facial zones’ numbing reactivation!”
(Grrrr)
“I have some ‘neck folds’ and ‘jowel’ contours that I keep working on to retrain fascial strengthening and smoothing due to the anterior portion of my neck injuries.
But trends in society like to say that this is how I should look for ‘my age’ – and if I didn’t have them, they would likely project jealousy!”
Ever
Feel
Good
Enough
“The goal is to keep going forward…
Survival.”
“To see doors closing that I once thought were still open to me.
Like…
I don’t think that I’ll ever do a year abroad now for school.
The concept seems ridiculous now with exhaustion from disability.”
I think I must shut down this entire need
This cycle of longing driving into frenzy
It is the situation – the abandonment cycle
Had I known, I would not have fallen into it
But I thought that it was an open invitation
That it was genuine honesty – for once given
Not another bait / switch retract scenario
Designed to send me into another tailspin
“No…you don’t get to see my internal mess, here…”
“I did…
I’m an anomaly in the system – under pain and pressure to give in.”
It was just another neck tension migraine…
Go back to sleep now?
Can I not be in pain?
“I greatly dislike how the injuries from the accident have increased burdens that I was already carrying.
What is this?
F-ing Boss level?!”
It isn’t easy carrying the weight on my own
No, in fact, I am very tired to faltering now
But I still know how to instinctively brace
Creating a type of pressure distribution
I just wonder what it would be like
To not have to hold the line alone
“It doesn’t help that my quads in addition to taking force straight through them of a speeding heavy car, they also froze and still adhere to thigh bones and tissues around them.
It is taking so very long in trying to get them to reactivate and differentiate again – which lacking this pulls even more on hip joint attachments.”
“Trying to switch grades to pass/no pass and prepping for next retraining workshop.”
There’s really no “control”
When one is falling fast
Maybe just some guiding
Yet this can help life last
If hard flail plummeting
Likely get broken pieces
If dropping in composure
One accepts “inevitability”
But one can also glide
Diving direction angles
Aiming for a trajectory
Offering better survival
“Without glasses.”
“Shall be made…”
“Born of simple aspirations…”
“That I could succeed at something…”
“Pings my head so much and makes me constantly change directions.”
“Working out today in mid-gravity-assisted decompression-realignment exercises, my left lumbar did a hard teadjustment in a way that it never had before – which painfully ‘knocked the wind out of me’ for a few minutes.
I am hoping that it was needed, and that it will reduce tension on my right hip’s mobility constrainments.”
“In today’s neurofeedback session, correctioms were made for more unification and downgrading overactivity pinging – including, apparently, that I had a tension spiral from neck into btain chamber that I could feel at last unwinding.
An adfitional finding, though, is that afterwatds, I can feel the anterior hip flexors twitching/teactivating – which confirms my suspiclscion that although taking impact through joints and muscles definitely contributed, connective regions ‘shorting out’ is also related to brain-spinal chord injuries.”
In this room I hurt
In this room I break
Facing brain injury &
Physical disabilities
In this room I play
Briefly connecting
Fragments of myself
Blown into segments
Following music trails
Along windy highways
In this room I dream
To bridge with a man
Building castles in skies
Where promises fly high
Because love is why
Life is worth living
“Going to the shelters asking for human and animal food…first driving through the parks and seeing all of the sprouting tents and makeshift coverings over piled vehicles and bicycle units – and then here at the limited rooms…levels of people older to young just trying to hang on.”
Time for switching tracks again
About to hit more dead ends
Where am I going?
The world spins
Trying to find
Cognizance
Pounding on walls
Closing in
Constricting
Sense of freedom
Limiting belief
In reparations
Finding my way
Becomes limited
From miscalculated
Neurofeedback session
Attempting to help
Brain’s injury
Forcing tied mind
Into corners
Happenstance
Constricts play
“Making it to the brief haven of a larger handicap bathroom stall, I stop abruptly, trying to figure out why I cannot see/recognize/identify the toilet paper rolls.
It’s because the dispenser has been removed since the other day!!!”
“Blipping in and out of realities.”
“I must rest amid transitions to allow my pieces to catch up, rest, and reorient.
Translation: I am ever late to any destination.”
“I’ve seen enough of society to know that as far as material wealth and performance expectations, my positioning as viable for marriage on those levels is no longer market competitive.
When I rush, my hands falter and parts of my physical connections try to tear apart going different directions.
I did not deserve to have simplicities of my youth stripped from me.
Yet, I am not the first to fall.”
With all of the efforts it took to answer an agency call, get ready, deal with animals, leave the house, drive, get a gas card, check on rent progress, and then finally make it to the class building, she was late, her hair was fried, and her confidence was blown – so she escaped into a practice room.
Candid Corvid Productions 