For as much as I am reaching out and overextending to keep and make more connections, I am retreating ever deeper inward, farther away from the Light.
Maybe the Light is actually comprised of darkness, combusting and regenerating, sparking its emittance at such a high rate that we do not see its core is the source.
The lady said as she signed off from our phone call, forgetting she was speaking to someone struggling to keep her family housed.
Done with trying to accomplish.
As she slipped and fumbled
To regain ground lost to her,
Demons grasped to prevent
Her escaping their influence.
I am bardly hanging on to my retraining studies, and feel my tenuous grip slipping.
Remembering when our hearts were open – oh wait: it was only mine.
The losses keep piling, but I keep on striving to overcome and get ahead.
Maybe my teeth will fall out.
Maybe I will get gout.
But inside my head I will shout, “Get out of my way – these are my days to save!”
I hired a lawyer to fend off the malarkey.
How is it that my path keeps leading me through conflict that really has very little to do with me – except that I happen to be the unit which is being targeted for sabotage?
Some doctors say “yes,” and some say “no.”
Either you are injured or “it’s all in your head” depending on where you go.
Resolving while in the hospital bathroom that I will continue skating above the thin ice while laughing – even as it crackles in thin-spot warnings beneath my sliding feet – the therapeutic suction cup attached on my right shoulder suddenly released, launching itself into the perfect arc required for it to splash deep into the soiled toilet water.
They say that “Life is out to get us.”
From what I’ve experienced, it’s people.
Nature has always been kind to me.
Why is it not enough to have given as I have, and why is more blood price demanded?
The more it squeezes, the harder I push.
I am throwing away socks with holes in them, though fear-based poverty mindset attempts to sway otherwise.
“All I wanted was safe passage through – but if I have to burn a swath between all ya’all, that’s what I’ll do!”
It is clear there are so many places where the system of care services is broken.
And yet, someone profits by this.
Five months, man…five months I’ve been waiting for that Speech Therapy!
I am starting to misplace, misidentify numbers
Yesterday, while applying for clothing asssistance, I forgot my phone number when time to write it on the application.
I just stared at the page, drawing a mental blank when trying to bring up its imagery.
When the kind assistant read back the number to me for confirmation, I had to laugh – flustered – and confess that this was the first time this was happening.
I couldnt “see” in my mind the number was correct – that place that says “yes” in thought was just an empty room in my middle brain.
All I had was a hint of whispering memory at the forefront of my brain that led me.
Object identification regarding shapes and number relations creates visual tangling and brain into limb shutdown response.
This is why I need Speech or other therapy.
The effect has been worsening since I ramped up classes dealing with programs and equipment details in an effort to gain as many skills as possible before forced to stop.
Adding to this, I have ramped efforts into career search and networking on my own, so no wonder I’m hitting gaps in thinking.
Further, my brain was switching phone number digits this morning while noting voicemail message details.
Now my hearing is mistranslating!
My brain needs time to rest and recover, but I am not sure how to find apace to grant it.
“We can help you over here! Oh wait, we can’t.”
“How’s that tiny needle apurature snugging as you try to pass through it, mein camel?”
Vocational Rehabilitation can not work with me and give me services of Speech Therapy because I have not been cleared for work.
Ha! Ha! Ha!
Ho! Ho! Ho!
Hee! Hee! Hee!
As usual – it’s up to my own innovating.
Or even in a Jam =
Jar’s encasement.
What is this world all about
With head and tail spinning
At once losing and winning
Seeking rain in a drought?
I began by networking for employment; then connected one representative of a resource to another; and then spoke with someone cognizant of gaps in community services – which launched me back into being advocate innovator.
At the closing of the career fair with visions of our world’s better future in my head, as pauper I apply for clothing services.
Is that when they stuff a pigeon into a hole, unwillingly?
But then, what pigeon would willingly offer to get stuck into a hole?
And who and for what reason is there being any stuffing in the first place?!
In quick succession, my wage loss coverage was cut by entrapment’s misrepresentating (Ha!); I was told that I owed unemployment money instead of the fact that they owe me; and the petition of many invested years found its now closed way back to me.
“533 holds a message of growth and transformation. The angels are urging you to let go of any fears or doubts that are holding you back and embrace the changes that are happening in your life.”
I am no longer sure what was true between us, but the outcome damaged confidence.
There is a fine line to walk here.
If I obtain a lawyer, my insurance company will no longer be allowed to speak with and/or assist me in the process.
I am not surprised at the timing of all of this, though. Especially as it is poised to disrupt me on the verge of succeeding in retraining.
“At fault” coverage is dwindling, so my insurance wants to cut further payouts before they can no longer recoup this funding.
Of course, the actual facts of the matter did not pursuade the doctor to change her position.
To do so would be to admit her error, and to acknowledge error would damage the 3rd party’s reputation for dislodging insurance recipients from their valid claims.
I wonder what the actual percentages are for the 3rd party ruling in claimants’ favor.
A specialist office called me today and told me that “the only way they could see me was if my claim was closed.
And by the way, other offices like theirs locally were not taking new patients.”
Sounded fishy to me.
It is enough that external agency contrives ways to destroy, rather than support me.
But the stress afflicting misunderstanding between loved ones is too much to bear.
Propagates self questioning.
Do hard times keep happenung in my life so that I will qualify for resource assistance?
The extreme pain is due to muscular torsion across my shoulders and twisting into neck – which drove me out of the house this morning.
My intention had been to go to the gym to attempt to relieve compounding pressure.
But instead, I am running errands as if to keep pace internally with the pain’s surging.
Maybe, this is my form of “running.”
If a person from one point of view does not have full capacity to communicate with a person from another point of view, things can go awry between them very quickly.
A trick to continued survival is to grab onto any floatable object of faith one can see as the current carries one out far beyond sanity, where eventually forces release.
I will keep pushing against these limitations and barriers to my recovery which I have not caused, yet are being deliberately added to by other parties’ dishonesty.
Candid Corvid Productions 