Category: Where Demons Tread

“You’ve passed the bug onto me.

You know the one.

THE one.

It isn’t fair, you know.

Not if I can’t have you.

Not fair at all…”

It’s been so long since I’ve interfaced in real life with someone that I deeply want to be with.

In uncovering my internal authenticity, I’ve realized recently that ‘reality’ is where I have yet to express and experience this.

There are aspects that I share in brief glimmers here and there externally.

But your sudden arrival about popped my system – where between realms had prior ruled in our passion’s dreaming.

Ah, My Dearest…

I don’t know how to overcome this – how to have so much rushing to the surface all at once, sweeping away reserve, discernation, and propriety.

I feel so much pressure to just shove it all back down because survival has meant that I must always stay hidden.

But, I don’t want to lock down on you again.

And I’m afraid to say something and have it taken literally when it shouldn’t be because this brain injury has increased my abstract external verbal communication complexity.

I feel and think about things so deeply that what comes out in verbal speech is like a simplified conclusion missing needed vital background information so much more important.

What I say maybe not even related to what I truly mean way down deep inside due to automatic brain to speech external instinctual camouflaging!

My best guide for you decoding my underlying truth and intentions in our person-to-person communication is to listen to your heart.

If anything I ever say feels wrong or hurts you – please, please immediately question what I mean and dig into it with me.

Especially if it somehow reinforces prior negative messaging that you have experienced because I can near-guarantee you that I have mispoken and do not mean any harm.

My intentions, always – even when I am mad, hurt, or frustrated – are meant to express myself, but never to cause harm or state dead-end conclusions.

My core resonance is essentially about supporting and promoting mutual growth, love, healing, joy, and happiness.

Yet, I am still trapped within my shell by how society harmed me when I was forming – and its continuous messaging clamps hungrily at my senses, yelling as it tries to keep disallowing my ability to be me and free.

I am constantly battling a war inside of me to reclaim inner authority.

Therefore, my words can sometimes come out as messages fashioned from pieces of phrases that might have absolutely no relavancy to what I am actually feeling inside because my words get limited by what’s been allowed by society if I am under stress.

I am still trying to understand and hack these limits, but because they are within me, they are harder to identify as they mask as if they are parts of me.

And because this can happen more when I am stressed, being stressed puts me in greater disadvantage and less able to see this clearly if happening.

And the language of truth, honesty, and love has been banned from our society.

So I have difficulty not shutting down, not cringing in fear of another rejection at anytime if I speak at all – about anything I care about!

I’ve been so crushed and stepped on in so many of my life’s experiences that I’ve had to learn to tread very cautiously.

You matter so much to me that I was hit so hard by sudden sight of you – and I felt powerless to control or guide the upsurging of so many internal thoughts and emotions.

I care so much about both of us individually and about our getting to be together – and I didn’t want to somehow drive you away by saying or giving wrong signals.

But I gave you the wrong message, anyway – so you see…

I’m having a constantly hard time feeling like I can do anything right, these days.

But my intentions and desires inside want the best possible connecting between us.

I need your help so that I can learn how to bridge better with you.

I hope this message makes sense to you.

“You cast the dust into nothing.”

(Sleep Token, “Rain”)

“Please forgive me.”

You were not wrong
I wanted to leap, too

I just needed a head’s up to
Expect and get to know you

—

(Content of multiple meanings)

“I think of your skills and accomplishments, and they light the way, giving me comfort as I continue to strive.”

What was this all about
If not for the real thing?

“How do you reconcile the duality?”

“I thought I heard you calling me.

Are you ok?

You are not here – and I don’t know why.

I am here for you.

Do not worry.”

I didn’t know I would hesitate
Though shy, I’ve always risen

But you are more than human
You coalesce my heart’s vision

Caught off guard while wishing
Struck dumb by dream arriving

I paused running to you because
I needed time to get to know you

I didn’t want to trip and falter
Giving you wrong impressions

I wanted you for real connection
Yet couldn’t control my emotions

You looked so good and gave me that smile
It tipped my center – disrupting composure

Given both our history
I can’t dare to proceed

Without clearly defined
Understood permissions

And time to build trust
As building connection

This does not mean that
I want distance – in fact

It means quite
The opposite

—

(Last two lines reference end of A&E’s Pride & Prejudice)

I couldn’t tell you everything I needed
In that lightning-bolt moment waiting

I’m sorry I didn’t respond immediately
When everything mattered suddenly

I needed time with you to unpack
& for us to get to know each other

So that we could share confidentially
In safety’s security-assured building

I miss you terribly and hope that
You’ll give us a real chance soon

“Oh, to be able to reach out to touch and grasp your fingers, reassuring you as you reassure me…”

“Please do not judge your light and dark sides against each other.

They both have validity and compliment each other.”

Look at me now
See my suffering

Did I truly do something wrong to
Deserve my beloved’s distancing?

See how it turns me inside out &
How I try to redirect to creating

You and I are not so different
Caught in the wakes of losses

Therefore, let my pain
Absolve your suffering

The guilt you felt and feel
Let my regard forgive you

Awaken, my love &
Accept being loved

We are both broken so
Let’s start the mending

“Was it you who saved me years ago – not ‘Alex,’ afterall?”