Category: Where Demons Tread

December 24, 2022

It was easier when I had someone
No vision expanded came undone

Even if the truth was a lie,
False confidence provided

I went to a show tonight, and though I know that it must have been good, I could not feel a thing without you there.

Maybe I am just tired from recent toils.

Or maybe I am exhausted by going through the trials of life with you still not beside me.

Lovely Heart.

Why you?
Because your heart is true.
No matter what you say or do.
I see it there, within you.
Hope your day is lovely.

Plumpfgh!

So tiired.

Hugs

What am I gonna do about my situation?

I still have not been able to find a place that I can move into – nor people to help me lift and carry…

They say we chose our lives.

Ok, then fine.

Regarding this suffering…

Let it have been so that I could find you.

I must admit to no longer being very flexible in some things – such as my diet to a certain extent – yet, while being so ready to break free into uncharted territory with you where it really counts.

How am I to have any confidence that I am worthy of your love?

I don’t understand how you did it…

Not really…

But you are my dream come true.

Can we have each other, for always?

You have no idea how much I miss and ache for you.

I just figured that maybe it was best that I stop talking about it.

I am so exhausted.

I gave and gave and gave of my healing intention to others yesterday.

The super cool thing is that I got to witness some amazing shifts for some clients.

Sometimes, my therapies are very well received and make a significant positive impact for people.

But I got in so late last night, beyond drained.

I am still way below “E” now, and have to get up and muster, again.

Housing, work, etc.

Miss you.

I see messages trying to remind me about what I first said to you – and some of them ring a bell.

But all I really know is that I have loved you…

And tried my best to convey it in a way that would carry you to hope and safety.

View this post on Instagram

You’ve got the music in you.

—

(Song reference)

Please help me bridge to you.

I am so sorry that I have been having such difficulty.

Closing my eyes and sinking into sleep, the brightest flare-flash to my right – near-blinding in its golden-white of dawn – rising early morning from a person’s form, interupting with a shadow briefly passing and then retracting in front of it.

Turning away from the first randomly chosen house’s pathway leading from sidewalk to door to my left that I was about to knock upon, I look right and see you walking toward me, your hands deep into pockets with eyes to ground.

As awareness expands, you look up, and then our eyes meet.

It has been raining more differently today and this evening than usual.

It makes me think of you, and how much I love you.

Please don’t talk yourself out of reaching for me.

We’ve got a lot to work through together, as it is.

Do you like plants and animals?

Do you have any allergies?

If you want me now, you better say it clearly to me and quickly so I know without a doubt.

I am about to sign a lease.

These are hard to break.

Lol.

My favorite pair of soft sweat pants would fit you.

I am in the zone where everything is breaking apart.

I am not used to thinking that I have value in a partner’s eyes when my life “crumbles.”

I am not used to being able to rely on a man to help me willingly and supportivrly when my life is teetering on the brink.

Especially if I can not give much back in return.

Therefore, I do not ask for nor reach for help.

It is like I am silently pleading for closeness, alignment,  and collaboration inside – but then close this door so that even I cannot feel these needs.

I withdraw.

I muster.

I achily don my gear and reshoulder my shield, then stiffly swing my sword to try to limber up because there is work to be done.

I feel caught in a riptide, forced to focus on it, and it feels like it is sweeping me out to sea away from you.

I wish that you were here with me and we could discuss the whole situation.

I want to include you in these plans of my housing and overall future.

I want to know what you want for us and I want to try to align with you.

Without your input and co-guidance, I just have to default to how I know best to survive.

Fear and insecurity dominate, which cause me to retract further into solitude to manage myself and stay functional.