Category: Where Demons Tread

You’ve got the music in you.

—

(Song reference)

Please help me bridge to you.

I am so sorry that I have been having such difficulty.

Closing my eyes and sinking into sleep, the brightest flare-flash to my right – near-blinding in its golden-white of dawn – rising early morning from a person’s form, interupting with a shadow briefly passing and then retracting in front of it.

Turning away from the first randomly chosen house’s pathway leading from sidewalk to door to my left that I was about to knock upon, I look right and see you walking toward me, your hands deep into pockets with eyes to ground.

As awareness expands, you look up, and then our eyes meet.

It has been raining more differently today and this evening than usual.

It makes me think of you, and how much I love you.

Please don’t talk yourself out of reaching for me.

We’ve got a lot to work through together, as it is.

Do you like plants and animals?

Do you have any allergies?

If you want me now, you better say it clearly to me and quickly so I know without a doubt.

I am about to sign a lease.

These are hard to break.

Lol.

My favorite pair of soft sweat pants would fit you.

I am in the zone where everything is breaking apart.

I am not used to thinking that I have value in a partner’s eyes when my life “crumbles.”

I am not used to being able to rely on a man to help me willingly and supportivrly when my life is teetering on the brink.

Especially if I can not give much back in return.

Therefore, I do not ask for nor reach for help.

It is like I am silently pleading for closeness, alignment,  and collaboration inside – but then close this door so that even I cannot feel these needs.

I withdraw.

I muster.

I achily don my gear and reshoulder my shield, then stiffly swing my sword to try to limber up because there is work to be done.

I feel caught in a riptide, forced to focus on it, and it feels like it is sweeping me out to sea away from you.

I wish that you were here with me and we could discuss the whole situation.

I want to include you in these plans of my housing and overall future.

I want to know what you want for us and I want to try to align with you.

Without your input and co-guidance, I just have to default to how I know best to survive.

Fear and insecurity dominate, which cause me to retract further into solitude to manage myself and stay functional.

I guess that we need not be surprised that it has been hard for us to figure out how best to begin with each other when we both have whole worlds inside of us.

Maybe we ought to not worry so much and just learn how to no longer restrict our connection while focusinh on developing keys to understanding our love languages?

Was it that you had not wanted me to see you?

I can be, but I’m not dainty.

Come back here.

I was pressed up against my window, again.

But “you” tilted your head as if denying, so it caused me to further hesitate.

When I think that I might have seen you, my insides won’t calm.

Trying to sleep here – without you by my side.

My house used to look nice and my garden was well kept.

I like to think that you would have found my home cozy.

Did you fall in love with the girl inside of this woman?

I can feel her struggling, trying to reclaim me.

“In different forms at quick marts.

How many versions of you are there?”

You were radiant.

I know that we’ve both been hurt before, but maybe we could flinch together as we learn how to rebuild trust’s foundations.

The first steps might not be easy for either of us, but if we keep trying, I know that we can succeed.

How do you perceive me to be?

Do you think that we match in essence?

I thought that I saw yet another version of you.

I must be going mad…

I dreamed of us together…

We wete in a house, preparing food on a large kitchen ‘island,’ talking about real life things and making plans.

It felt so easy and natural…

Like we fit well as a couple.”

I am fighting off something in my throat from the other day’s too long outdoor damp and cold exposure.

But I sure wish that I could hold and kiss you.

Sweet dreams, Baby.

You must be crazy if you think that I will give in so easily
Things we buried low
Coming to the surface now, my love
You must be crazy if you think that I will give up the game

—

(Sleep Token lyrics)

Sometimes, I have thought that we have seen each other.

But you do not approach me.

Why won’t you?

—

(Deliberate neutrality of tone, here)