Candid Corvid Productions

I have always been a part of my body, but not always inside of my body.

It has been a default of survival’s necessity to dissociate in order to preserve capability of strategizing.

The phrase “rock bottom” comes to mind when rebuilding from what we have come through.

They say to open your heart to it, and it shall arrive, ever flowing.

But even though I claim after reach for this, it is taking time to shake off lack’s anxiety.

They say that if I let go of the past, I can then have the present and be free to expand into the future.

But realistically, I can not fully let go of the past until the present leads me into the future.

For once I am experiencing new beneficial stimulation, only then will I be more able to let go of what until then has defined me.

When we were without a home for the second time, the crushing grind of circumstantial resistance as I would show up each day to push against it weighed heavily upon me.

I kept battling back thoughts of self doubt and considerations of my being unworthy while attempting to sail well through existential crisis.

Did I have a right to assert my claim for a home? Was it foolish or important to keep holding on to this ideal of a throne?

My subjects kept on a hillside awaited through heat and then rain. Now as I water our garden, we praise life together again.

I am likely more needed
As well-spoken support.

Since we moved into our new home, whenever a specific small yappy dog of our neighbors pack goes into their backyard and hears anything from us, she has continued barking aggressively with her high-pitched shrillness, causing my stress levelss to hike to new proportions.

But, we have never yelled at her or told her to be quiet (though lord knows that I have muttered curses under my breath because in this type of situation, I am no saint!), thinking that perhaps over time she would accept us as non-threatening and chill out.

Yeah, right.

Nope.

Never has happened.

Until…

Until this evening when I was planting the irises right up to the fence and she came snarling at me as usual, posturing up to the fence.

I broke my silence at last by pouring all tbis delighted love and joy into my voice, saying something like, ” Well Hi there! Aren’t you the sweetest darling thing! How are you doing?!” In a “come here and let me love and hug all over you” type of voice.

Two more barks to test my reaction, more excited welcoming love-voicing – and she ran away shutting her mouth, wanting none of it!

This evening, I planted 52 purple bearded irises transplanted from an acquaintence’s efforts to thin out overcrowding at her apartment complex.

I have desired to have this specific type as they are gloriously gorgeous when they bloom and smell enchanting.

All that time on the mountain, I kept chiding myself to not be upset, prodding myself to keep lifting my chin.

But, we didn’t belong there – anymore than a fish being put onto dry land can learn to swim.

We belong here.

It is a place where we can begin.

I have a whole inner world that I am living as it processes experiences.

Looking back, it is wild to see how much I waited on my partner to come investigating.

Meanwhile, the rest of the world had no clue about my expansive points of view.

I realize now that for so long I have been responsible for ensuring others’ well being.

It is a part of my nature that enjoys nurturing, so philosophically, I have no problem with this.

In fact, I am proud of my track record’s history.

However, this is the first time when I can schedule staying in bed sometimes until late morning and take moments with the dogs to bask outdoors in the sun for a few minutes.

It feels good to get a good bone bake, and I realize that for too long, this has been lacking.

I now get to be more self indulgent.

“Ah, that’s the stuff of dreams…”

I was speaking in complex conversation weavings with my youngling today and when I reached for it, I was able to ask for and divine through the parting layered clouds of my mind Neil deGrasse’s name!

I was so excited!!!