Candid Corvid Productions

He impressed her with his kind
Strength, intelligence, generosity.

Today I heard a man around my age speaking to his older female relative or friend as I passed by their waiting floor on the stairs.

His speech and accent, the kind and caring patience in his voice meant to soothe and reassure her, was elegant.

So I went back and asked him what lamguage he was speaking, and complimented him.

I have always been specific.

It is no big thing, actually.

Except where it counts.

I loved him.

He was an outlier like me.

I learned so much from him.

I am not sure if he learned what I was teaching.

Family dynamics never seemed safe, especially with those members that desired to claim authority.

Because I could suddenly be vivacious, engaging, and charming in business by phone, his family became certain that I was having an affair.

To free my mind so that
I may respond naturally,
And to playfully engage.

I have been told to not rely upon a man because he cannot guarantee his actions.

Then why am I designed to fulfill the role of carrying my half, if it has no match?

I thought it was related to exhaustion – this boggy down feeling that has taken over me.

However, I think it is the fact that our lives are returning to a sense of normalcy that I have not experienced since around 2005.

Now that I can look around a bit, I feel the loss of close companionship and extended family more keenly.

Feeling better again.

I remember how I was on that New Year’s eve when I took of picture of myself dressed up and smiling with my arms flung wide and hair fluttering.

I see myself again as such now.

I am the same…just more matured and wiser.

It is strange being my age as the years expand in time’s experience.

I feel that I have only just arrived, as maturity learns to exert resistance.

The difficulties are within my own mind as I analyze and interpret external data.

It was very difficult growing up in the era where I did, and it keeps being an adjustment at any temporal level.

Not fitting into predefined roles (except those that I create and claim for myself), it is more common to continue feeling like an outsider.

Why do I keep attempting to keep myself small, when it is the world that I would claim as I give my heart to it?

This grief upon losing contact with my blogging friend has hit my brain unexpectedly – causing foggy thinking, body shutdown, and anxietal overwhelm in daily functioning.

I had not realized to such extend how I had counted on his online presence as positively reinforcing my psychology.

Or maybe it is just the shock because I had hoped that we would always stay friends.

For once, she was One.

For once, she was her self.

My mind is my friend and works best when we can play together.

My youngest has promised to soon make me their baked goody specialties.

My text response: “‘Thankusomuuuch!’ Effuvious happy anticipatory drooling…”