Candid Corvid Productions

A huge, fluffy-gold wish weed blow seed floated in swirls in our new bathroom this evening, carried gently by the currents of warm fans cross-blowing.

I wanted my children to never have to experience what they ultimately became exposed to.

When family left us, the odds were against us.

Now that we have arrived, could they be for us?

I finally made myself go home after stopping by to hug my youngling.

Only by establishing new patterns will we gain our rightful confidence.

Late nights out on the street are hard to come away from when you’ve learned to trust no-thing and no-one.

I worry sometimes that I should explain to my youngling every single step; every innovative maneuvering; every outside-of-the-box inspired-by-necessitty-thinking that I have applied to help get us through so much tumult to finally reach a better harbor.

But no one should have to go through even once – let alone, again – what we have travailed by enforced disbandment.

I am not sure that I can have me and also be in a relationship.

Alone in the masjid, I could feel God there, listening. There was a sense of multi-formed and faceted Holy pressence .

But in order to access this sacred zone of sacrament, I feel required to convert to constrictions that must no longer be allowed to entrap me.

Please tell me that it’s because of my brain’s exhaustion from having weathered the storm that made it go into total lockdown and my emotions into mortified vexation as I moved laundry 3x(!) in and out of different sized containers at the laundromat, trying to find the correct fit for my bundle.

OMG!

How can such a simple task have the hope and responsibility for the entire galaxy weighing on me?!

And once accomplished, I turned in brief-lived triumph to witness the folly of my confidence:

NOOOOOOOOOO! (Arm outstretched, reaching hand clenching mid-air)

The cannisters locked and cleaning, a lone black sock remained, fallen to its plight upon the floor.

I left Santa Barbara after my eldest was born, thinking we would find more inclusive community for my children to grow up with.

But once we returned to San Luis Obispo County, like-minded families began moving out of the region, leaving us with the dregs of conservatism.

Maybe I have taken it all too seriously.

But when you are launched into space by small life pod, away from a once magestic galaxy cruiser, perceptions blare to avoid imminent disaster.

I have not had a captain to guide me – other than my own cobbled together divinations as I have measured weft and weave of cosmic patternings.

Why do I long for such a thing – a captain to call my own?

It is this drive to find such a love that I can evolve myself within as I need and want to that has propelled me forward to overcome all.

It was one thing to try to ignore the cat’s yowling misbehaviors. Quite another when I turned and saw the small gecko staring quietly intent at me.

I get hangups and resentments – insecurities and internal entanglements – just like any other person.

However, I am finding that checking in with myself here helps me focus and keep track of squiggling thoughts that would undermine me.

Or at least, coming here keeps my intentions better focused on where I am going, and striving toward how I want to be

It would seem that once cast adrift survivors make it to shore that stress would relieve.

But in fact, it all comes up suddenly in a rush like choking out swallowed sea water because it is “safe now” to expunge.

I thought I knew – but as trials try to erase me, it’s hard to retain identity.

I had found my new King, but like every other gone before, he was distracted by other intrigues and interests.

I must rule my own kingdom – with or without consort’s crown.

The cost to taxed nervous system must be accounted for by time to rest and recover.

But to do so puts off even more the goals already denied another year.

Puppet strings yanked and pulled to altered dimensions makes it hard to trust again once encounter solid ground.

A sumptuously fluffy, soft and pristine-white throw blanket topped by a deep, blue-green velvet comforter snuggles around me while a copper-lined pillow lifts my head effortlessly as shadows from firelight ambitions dance-flicker upon the wall.

Spending money on holiday decorations for the house is both a daring expense and a rebirth of traditions buried when our family broke apart.

Perhaps our timing was daring, with the risk high and gambling. But it was worth our putting everything toward obtaining a good position in a receptive community.

I see a woman with a ten year old and two younger of his siblings, instructing him firmly while herd-corralling the younglings, and I shake my head slightly in acknowledgement of how heavy the burden she is managing.

To think, I raised two on my own trying to work with a husband with a disability. Hardships are not necessarily the issue – but whether or not you have a partnership of free-flowing collaborating.

The exhaustion now hitting me as if I have come out from a war zone leaves me reeling. Hypervigilance expended and edema resultant.

Was it the physical load or the psychological and emotional compression that was unrelenting?

I am thankful to the people, energetic nuances, and fine lines tweased that helped me slip between cracks to find our way home.

So why am I now having such a bad attitude? I think that I am angry that I had to go through this trial of faith by pressure and fire.

So what that I will now come out more honed as a diamond with more pure shine and less hiding my character!

I resent not having had a choice but to do what I had to in order to prove my grace.

Why? Why must I prove what I have always known, shown, and believed?

Why nail me to a wall so that I had to struggle more and show others by example how to endure to obtain reprieve?

Yes, things could have been worse – but for me, the trials were unnecessary!

I was already on my right path – although where we are now can give us better leverage.

My soul is starved – ravenous and outraged at having its own designs so heinously and intrusively thwarted!