I have earned my rewards, whereas younger women reliant on their “beauty” merely expect theirs to be handed to them.
And men of all ages comply easily and willingly, continuing to reinforce this wrong kind of messaging – and thus, quite frankly, propagate demise of our society.
When you are a mother and a partner’s lover, things are not so simple for a woman as they are for a man.
When and why did men get a “pass” – and in return, why can’t they be more supportive and understand?
I capture, affirm, and breathe life into it – making intentions priority.
What would it be like if
I was not the only one
Living for each moment’s
Heart capturing the sun?
When my faith dwindled,
My flame’s would light up –
When one would run dry,
The other fills their cup.
Being connected dynamically
Without any limits to synergy:
Dreams of such hopes banish
Any darkness that dares linger.
pas·sel
/ˈpasəl/
noun
INFORMAL•US
Oxford Dictionary.
I began writing, as many people do, in an attempt to uncover the real me. I keep shifting and adapting constantly, amending and accomodating to help clients and family.
We all shift ourselves daily to some degree, but what shocked me the most, which I have been trying to amend, is that as much as I cared for him and was there for him through the worst of everything, my husband did not want to be with how I wanted and tried to be.
I never want to go through living alone again with only a body next to me and the spirit inside far, far away on some other destination where he would rather be. It is better to be alone and free than enslaved and bound to relationship anarchy.
I do not want just a home body committed to me. I want to be with someone who is adventurous and full of positivity. This could be expressed in a variety of forms of internal and external reality: I desire invested interaction.
Someone who is dynamically expressive, yet also likes to relax in downtime for our inward retreats. Someone who likes how I think and feel from simple expression to complexity – and who also desires my interest in their cares and passions.
After writing so many years in privacy, I thought I better come out to “the streets” and start letting myself be heard and “seen.”
How else is my match going to find and get to know me? We likely do not travel the same circuits, if he’s an independent like me.
As I have community now, which equals more resources in options for self care improvement and senses of positive reinforcement, I begin to unravel those knots which stayed tangled no matter how I worked at them on the mountain.
It has been confirmed that my eyesight and perceived overwhelm with inability to think straight at times is from my neck and shoulder tension pulling to compress my neck vertebrae into pinching nerves when muscles begin further tightening when I must act quickly to timelines.
And while I still have little control over when and how this happens, I can begin working at my psychology to reframe this away from feeling as if I have become a weakling and am dwindling into incompetence to feeling proud I am on my way to hopeful recovery.
It is startling how much losing my ability to feel healthy and endurant had eroded my self confidence, and I feel grateful relief that I can attend to shifting this
Loath to become overwhelmed from past associations again, I had been delaying unpacking the garden boxes to see what was in them.
However, with the joyous momentum of having enlisted a neighbor and now friend’s help in getting the foundations of this year’s gardening efforts underway, I opened them in the search for wood screws he will be using to create a large planter box for as many snap pea plants that I can cram into them.
To my delight, I found the peacock stained glass picture, our door mount, and the lovely drop-shaped and rounded colored globe lights we never had the chance to hang – saved for our new home’s spring occasion.
I had just gone to the stylist this last week and was proud of my hair having grown suddenly (for me) to halfway down my back over this last year.
But, after this last session, something bothered me. It didn’t feel quite like me anymore, though I remembered how enthralled I had been at its sudden growth spurt as if trying to show we could compete after a man I had liked got a new girlfriend
My hair floated around me as if I were an enchantress in some hidden forest, and I had enjoyed the effect – but for some reason, I was itching to be set free.
So this morning, I got out my flat and texture scissors and cut it back, slowly, until it was returned to its usual positioning, just at mid shoulder level.
It looks and moves better…it flows with me.
I feel lighter and imbued with candid authenticity.
True alchemy is taking even just the hint of a positive potential and breathing life into it so that it can truly begin
Though I cannot receive the therapies I provide, I have begun experimenting with how I use machines in very light weight training – mainly playing with the muscle planes of tensile elasticity along bones and within motion to strengthen fragile connection zones of tissue.
When I can back away, my conscious subconscious can reorganize for another day.
Some people are obnoxiously “confident” – not because they have any real abilities, but because they conform to societal “standards of beauty.”
Nice capture!
Continuing with the thematic of ensuring project completion, I finished sessions with the last of my students today so that I can now address taking and completing further training.
It took me a long time to vocalize and externalize despite abusive childhood training reinforcing insecurities.
And when I finally hit my stride and began feeling solid in different times of my life, men left me.
What messaging do I take away from this?
Where place myself in the realm of dominance vs. submissive?
Perhaps I will stick with Neutrality
Yes, I have been wounded:
I will confess it now to face
It’s time every person knows
Better than to mistreat Grace.
Batting hands to keep all away:
No hats or makeup on my face –
Except for certain time or place
When suddenly, I might want to.
For I was called the biggest disgrace
When beauty brightened every trace
Of a heart born pure for human race –
I will suffer no more others’ falseness.
I saw the picture of them together and observed her look: eyes downcast, patiently waiting, letting him be the dominant while she was submissive.
I have done that. I remember what it felt like to be ignored and walked all over when I loved someone and they took me for granted.
I was raised to be an accomodator, but I have striven instead to be receptive. It is a fine line between flexing and getting neglected.
I just didn’t like how close she was to that chasm. It looked to me that she had fallen into it – as if she had been chastised.
And I realized that I never want to be in that position again.
If this is what is required in relationship, I would rather be untethered.
Maybe there just isn’t a right match for me in this day and age.
Maybe I am ahead of my time, again.
It would not surprise me.
My life’s theme.
Being denied the power and resources to enact change while being criticized and disparaged for not doing so really beat down my positivity.
My parents’ house had more solid, dry stairs from a cleared driveway which diminished tracking effect once got into their house.
Our steps were rotting and coming directly off mucking property, so no matter my efforts, keeping clean was impossible.
I used to like walking barefoot in the house, but not anymore – especially in the kitchen.
“Maybe I could mop more!” comes a thought previously unbidden because now we are no longer tracking in sheep sh**!
It sucks that mine seems held down by the past – by arbitrary effects of circumstance.
Having done much work on understanding the self, I can only intuit it resides with my “wealth” – and those boxes that linger, keeping me on the shelf.
it seems pretty clear what my tasks should be.
It is strange to me that so many people pretend on Instagram to be celebrities.
Many are scammers, yet others want to capitalize on the feeling of being rich, powerful, and desired.
However, each celebrity is a flawed human – the same as you and me.
They just got lucky in their professional gains, have great marketing, and a makeup team.
It just occurred to me that
We could pay rent early
Instead of waiting…
There is a creaky stair when I sway weight into it, rocking back and forth as I write and prepare.
A friend once told me that he preferred being alone.
I teased him in fun: then how did he expect to have any babies?
He soon went out and procurred a girlfriend.
That didn’t work out so well for me.
(Lol)
It tangles inside:
You wouldn’t know
Because I try to hide –
Exhibit being carefree
To protect injuries.
Targeting certain foods to replace, such as white sugar and boiled potatoes which spike blood sugar and/or cause inflammation, is a good place to start in balancing one’s dietary makeup..
I have been afraid to calorically restrict my diet again, given what happened the last time where when I eliminated carbs I lost weight so fast that my skin was hanging.
I only lost thirty pounds, and in my mind from high school remnants, I thought I should get down to one-twenty.
But, I could tell that at one-fourty, I already felt perilously close to unhealthy.
When my neck was realligned briefly without the muscles being worked released, the tension my frame is normally under was pulled that much tighter – and I felt like I dare not move too suddenly for fear it would all come tumbling.
The feminist movement has brought many positive changes, but it has also confused roles in seeking compatible partnership.
If a normally reserved woman would now like friendship or partnership, it seems left up to her to pursue the man because a true gentlemen has been “schooled” that his gallant advances would be seen as too aggressive.
Yet, he has also learned by observing power hungry women to fear if a woman is assertive in her desires, so where can real relationship begin?
It goes way back to when I was ten years old, emerging in a family in which I did not belong, and feeling more like an outsider than ever.
Somewhere, I still have that picture of me in blue overalls, white with rainbow on top long sleeved shirt underneath, looking kind of “country” with this same quirky smile on my face as I stood behind and looked at Jerry Brown when he was early running as California governor.
I guess it was fitting that I had no desire to garden whilst the pots lay barren of summer’s beautiful bounty.
Depression lifts on this warm, sunny day where the cool breeze invigorates lungs as I hum to and discover beloved plants reemerging.
While skills may be transferred, new patterns must be grown.
During their engagement, the young suitor kept bringing up how his family and friends strongly advised against their marriage, and eventually he began comparing her advocating for their relationship to that of trying to manipulate his heart as had others.
He then abdicated his role as the man she had grown to love and trust in an attempt to stop the personal strife being wielded against him.
It hurt her profoundly to watch him turn away from the bright light of hope and love’s faith they had shared – and to have him discard her as if she were unworthy.
When she later received the dreams’ messages about a true champion, someone more on her level with whom she could prospectively share nourishing the world, she saw his status and the public eye focus attacks on him.
When she tried reaching out to him, she met resistance on different levels through different channels and realized that if they were to have any form of connective collaboration together, she would have to leave pursuit of it up to him.
Though quite capable of “taking on the world” if and when needed, she could no longer invest energy in a man without his equal reciprocation.
I was always restless
To discover more than
What hid behind doors.
Candid Corvid Productions 