New players came in and engaged roles with me, as if allowing me to try on partnerships.
In the end, the one I liked most took his time, getting to know me while sharing his life interests.
There was no rush or pressure, and things moved along easily between us.
This does not mean it is how things must always be.
But, the dream allowed my relaxing.
***********
My youngling’s reply to this:
“That’s a pretty dark quote. I don’t really agree with it. I think we fall in love because of the light in people, and learn to love their “monsters,” too.”
I would have to agree. But, I still thought the Instagram post quote beautiful.
I can step up to various roles.
I just need to feel centered.
There was no one at the back of the store but me, and suddenly I heard a woman yelling and hollering out back. It didn’t sound like she was the typical off-meds crazy person, and she kept on broadcasting.
I hurried up to the front of the store and told the cashiers and tellers, and soon saw the local fire department truck and paramedics appear.
it turned out that the night delivery driver had lowered her truck’s ramp and got her leg caught under it when it descended too quickly.
It is better to go it alone until I find the man who understands me correctly.
Scans are clear so PT and muscle relaxers should help get pressure off nerves, eventually.
I wonder what impression of me and my life I am presenting in these selective snapshots about things I would not normally share.
It feels like desperation when tension presses upon cervical hind mem-brain and rarely reduces.
It likely has more to do with my lagging faith and hope in humanity because I am afraid we are failing.
I see couples out there making it work – but more often, I see how societal interaction is degrading.
It is need to find my heart’s life mate and passion’s purpose to elevate our spcies’ destiny.
Clean up wreckage
Complete English training
There was a woman my age I grew up young and parallel to. I played the drum rhythms.while she danced and swayed in the colorful flow of silks, gathering men’s attentions.
I thought she was delicate and graceful, magical and ethereal. I even took lessons from her briefly when first had my eldest.
But, I kept finfing that externalized beauty kept needing to externalize for more attention – from extra-partnership affairs to having one’s nudes on the wall in the bathroom for the rest of us to see when visiting – just by accident, of course.
And the part of me who sought a mentor to guide me from internal to external in safely decided (though it still keeps looking for good role models) that it was safer for me to keep my passions for privacy, wrapped tightly close around me.
Great compositional energy and groovin’ rhythms.
Oh- how delightful right timing!
“Dancing on the table top that’s covered with the Easter feast…”
The realization that one spot tweaked in the neck could bork a whole system in one-second unhinges self confidence.
Luckily, I now have an orthopedist I am seeing and can soon begin trouble-shooting.
The gorgeous dress she wears in the wedding at the end happens to be a unique match golden sheen coloring as fabric on the costume of my one cameo dance performance. I love little coincidences such as these – finding meaning in the small things.
The hidden loss (my deepest grief) was watching the men I have loved suffer injury, then turn away from the light that made them shine – which meant that they also chose to turn away from me, because I reminded them of it.
I took two weeks off from working out to reliwve pressure where I could from my system while still exceptionally high performance pushing.
My physical reward is migraine, seizure, and legs tight edema swelling from clinic sports percorming.
Oh – and apparently now my body is having a sugar insulin crash-thingy reaction.
Wee!!!
MESSAGE RECEIVED, BODY.
I had another one last night in the bathtub when trying to press out neck’s tension.
The first one was around Christmas 2020 after a whplash hard-fast crack into the back of my neck and head at an angle from the leaf end of our kitchen table when the chair slipped out from under me.
I had enough tension and must have pressed the perfect angle.
it is not fun, but very sureal, to feel the hindbrain kicking.
Elders wanted her there
To kick around and criticize
In the guise of ensuring security.
Townspeople needed someone to fear
And cast their dispersions hatefully upon
That they could continue feeling righteous.
Tbe seasons welcomed and embraced her,
Coaxing her cells to bend and flow as the trees
Inevitably do to gravity as limbs reach for the sky.
Earth beckoned her to lay among moldering leaves
Releasing their sweet memories as she raked gatherings,
Beckoning life’s purpose to yield nourishment by becoming soil.
The Crone tracks as a thief, having stolen ten years from me.
I work to bring from within life’s springs still renewing.
Yet, what man is strong enough to stand beside me?
And what healing full enough to allow myself to accept him?
When you have a partner (a truely devoted one), all of these daily trials and overwhelms can become like background scenery of part of the day’s play: a mere backdrop to the real love story – which is life’s ultimate priority, and why I continue to often feel lonely.
Current trends in latest media, lecture, and book advice bombard us with messaging about how going solo is our ultimate destiny – Yes! Yes! – for only then are we fully actualized as individuals in this materialized state of being!
I call BULLSHIT on this ideoligy. There is merit within it to a point, but humans are family-oriented creatures. We need our loved ones to be a vital part of our dreams.
It is impossible to avoid retriggering when a child has been assaulted in their own home, in the area we left, and then I visit them as they are hastily light-packing and leaving their belongings behind them to move to another state and leave their belongings and the bad things behind them.
It is difficult being out in the alternating cold, sunshine, and rain in the environment that makes my face puffy and worn and my muscles ache while windswept hair rearranges visage into form of a mountain witch blending into the scenery, as I meet and greet people gaily in salt-of-the-eath, down-home interacting – dissolving my city slick identity while I bid fond farewells of goodbye.
Being back on the property in the wrong shoes, traversing over slickery-slanted mud waddles, worrying if gravity will slam me down again for the slightest minimalist yet effortful attempts to just make sure my parents’ property is ok and that I have my few remnants properly removed, finally.
The molding, thriving mildew on and in everything including in and outside of my car to various degrees; the tossing of empty tires to rid them of collected in-groove rain water and tree detritus – only to have upon ground-tossed impact that water spraying at force directly back into my eyes and face…what are the odds of that carefully callibrated angle hitting so perfectly?
Apparently, Ihave hidden talents I do not even imagine…
Miraculous maneuverings of collaborative creativity result in my car at last tied securely to a trailer for towing back to an implied, promised resurrection.
And this was only Tuesday!
Default’s sleeping –
Awaken ensnared:
Hair cast into twigs,
Wrinkles puffed rare
Wise eyes knowing
Magic within there –
Add some glasses:
Pride laid bare.
I do not like that love found was at the expense of their previous partners, but I appreciate the innocent honesty of their discovering, acknowledging, and honoring it.
The plot opens up viewers’ awareness that true love is real and important – but now, social media, dating apps, and marketing corporations have taken this concept and enslaved it toward promoting the brushing aside of any and all real self accountability.
What happened is that I returned to our prior home to retrieve my car, and when I returned to our current home, the dogs smelled our old one on me.
Now, they have returned to those previous misbehaviors – throwing aside since then respect for me – when I am exhausted and shoulder pain from a long week is now escalating into a migraine.
Yeah…
This combination is going to flare me.
Good efforts rewarded
By ricocheting rejection:
Many “so close!” misses
Promote misinformation.
If they follow a lot of women, I do not let them follow me.
I can tell when I have been pushed too hard internally, and then have given too much externally, when I return to my family and the dogs’ behaviors seem against me – making me angry.
If he knew me well and knew the details of my situation, he likely would have advised me to finish up what needs finishing before I joined in adventures with him – especially after upon seeing how much pressure was fragmenting.
It isn’t just the man – it’s me.
I have always had a taste for the “unique and rarely attainable.”
Come down from high up on the mountain, her gaze quells any b.s., and her assurance both heals and commands.
The loop is closing again as I turn inward to complete more loose ends.
Mine is a wild variety, which does not follow conformity – even if my own.
See the hand with finger pointing to the right in middle of photo? It is pointing in the direction of and telling me to focus first on fixing my car – lol.
Candid Corvid Productions 