Candid Corvid Productions

Shell Shock can have a lasting impression, long after the event has passed and damage would seem healed.

It’s one thing to sew flesh and tend to it: you can witness resistance to progress and mend it.

But, when a wound impacts the senses, it burrows deeper than mere impressions.

It can hijack perceptions of safety – and movement made to break caution’s pattern sends out alarm signals for mitigating.

This gets misdiagonsed as procrastinating while the system attempts to recalibrate

Many intelligent people seem broken, because they need their missing pieces.

Sometimes, just listening to them and honestly empathizing can be what is needed.

At other times, going with them directly to the source of pain and calling it by its true name helps to release.

But, generally, we are not taught how to do this.

We are discouraged from being “humane.”

We are taught to believe that another’s suffering could be catching.

We are taught to be selfish – and only invest if there is personal gain.

We are taught to disassociate from our own feelings, as if to know and own them is weakness or flaw.

We are taught to ignore our own instincts, so we’ll line up and be fed to The Maw.

She might be the only survivor, having stayed hidden until danger had passed.

One by one, they had been taken.

She remembered silent screams from the blast.

They didn’t even know it had pierced them, but just shambled off to take their place.

The drones had moved into the internet – for enslaving the human race.

As she walked into the Great Hall, clad in nothing but common decency, she felt the ripples move throughout the room, as if she were a rock sent skipping along surface waters.

“Pariah!” they whispered.

“Not One of Us!” barely censored

But, little did they know her ancestors’ lineage.

At one point, the young woman is invited to stay with a man who is stable, well educated, supportive, and desiring to care for her and her daughter in a bonded, romantic relationship.

After many deflected attempts, he asks her to go out on a date with him. Though by then she has warmed up to him, finds him attractive on many levels, and wants to – she denies him.

Her reason, which she openly, though tremulously explains, is that they would not be on equal levels because she has become dependent upon him.

She recognizes that she needs to feel capable and in control of her life cirumstances – as well as have her self confidence restored – in order to best fully participate.

I was delighted to find this was scripted, as it has been a recent discovery about myself in my own journey.

However, much of the criteria or foundation for one’s self confidence can tend to become based upon extetnal factors and uncontrollable circumstances.

I am not sure these influences should weigh so heavily upon our self esteem.

But, I will say that being on the edge of constantly grueling poverty does make it hard to say, “Pick Me!”

Whilst initially I had dread and increased tension, if something seems prospectively viable, I will investigate and work the situation to solution.

I can’t just let an opportunity go by because it initially imposes pressure – even if my system begs me to.

I don’t know if this is a flaw in my operation – that I test to better define inner messages.

Maybe I ought to go in a different direction when I feel resistance.

But the question is, what kind of barrier is it?

Is it someplace I need to and could grow, or is the flaw something in another’s system?

Having received feedback from another doctor that the first was well known for his competence, and recognizing that the biggest barrier I perceived is that I need to brush up on anatomical terminology, perhaps this is a challenge worthy to attend to.

The other part is that I’m not sure I can trust the office.

Will they accept me and treat me honorably as their own, or will they use and then reject me?

The fact they are further testing and vetting me could be a good indicator that they have good boundaries.

Perhaps this could also mean that once I’m invited to join them, I’ll be included as part of the team’s family.

I am not sure what kind of compass Spirit works based off from.

(That was a grammatically challenging sentence – did I get it right? Lol)

Though it may have the ultimate goal in mind with the best of intentions, I suspect that it at times forgets that I still have to “put bread on the table” daily.

When I think about the last office I worked for and analyze what fit for me, I liked the clients being brought to me, and the income flow’s diversity.

It was fun and useful – highly applicable to my current needs and situation – to always have some sort of money trickling in.

And, I felt happy there because I was able to spend at least a full hour with each client, with a time buffer between ending with one and beginning the next.

I did not mind back-to-back bustle, and I thought I’d found a genuine team to collaborate with.

What I am finding so far in its place are offices that want to chop up sessions into incremental pieces.

And, they want me to work at higher intensity and capacity, for less pay.

If I were to work their full time version, my adrenals at this point would again hit burnout.

Look.

It would be different if, say, I were working at a movie studio and under timelines of accomodating people.

Why do I say this?

Because it would be exciting with a sense of purpose.

There would be a shared interest and a common goal toward supporting people in their being creative.

Then again, the pressure might be from odd hours and too many clients – at random rushes.

I am getting the signal that I ought to, indeed, open my own office.

But, initially, there is not that needed income security as I’d build my client base.

And, the pandemic is still an issue.

The migraine is telling me something.

It started with tense muscles – yet, the tension had a certain frequency.

The kind that jangles nerve endings and escalates into inflammatory pain.

It’s a combination of psychological distress when I’m pushing beyond comfort levels in a direction not good for my body.

It’s the junction where denial includes overstretching boundaries.

It’s an instinctual alarm system that something is not right for me.

And, it is hard to take seriously when the situation seems dialed in, professionally.

i appreciate consummate business practices.

These appeal to me.

But, I should not be pushing beyond my limits right now.

Especially while I am still healing.