She had left her mother-in-law’s home to live out of her car in order to try to reduce the impact of the woman’s crazymaking on her family and buy her youngest more time with shelter.
Category: A Woman’s Plight
Self Sacrificial
To save everyone else.
HyperVigilance
That which I’ve reclaimed
Over and over and over is
Held by the refusal
To let myself forget
“Head Trauma”
(Hey Maria – Klangkarussell, Elderbrook Remix)
At Least
“I have tried to succeed and make things right.”
Interference
“I thought that the goal was to become centered in one’s body.
But I keep getting crowded out by pain and dysfunction.
Elders kept telling me that I have a higher calling – and I kept feeling like they were trying to bend me to their influences, no matter what agenda was being promoted.
Yet how are these current circumstances also not trying to force me into the spiritual realm?
I tell you – I won’t go there!
Not without my Protector.”
(Letter Under The Door – Idee Du Femelle)
Self Forgiveness
My biggest regret is that I
Couldn’t change outcomes
In reaction scenarios
Perpetrated by others
Inclusivity
Pushing the wheel forward
Intentions are only narrowed
They cannot include others
In perfect paradigm scenarios
I always knew this to be true
Yet wasn’t extended credentials
Or even the spark of interest
If perhaps I could be capable
That which was a societal gripe
Got passed as branding onto me
No matter how what I did was right
Any flaw was proof of non-charity
Negative Associations
She had unpacked and hung some of her favorite colored scarf cloths upon the wall to add a kind of magical ambience to the bedroom.
Unfortunately, the pieces were tied to old memories, which caused her having recycled dreams of loss with torment scenarios.
Waiting
“To catch up to myself.”
A True Optimist
Is not only hoping for miracles
But is out here taking damage
While trying to create dreams
And crying as they fall ravaged
(Spooky – Atlantic Rhythm Section)
Down Time
*What am I doing?
Scrambling for survival, per usual.”
The Human Brain
(Heaven Is A Spectrum – Leo Faulkner)
“Spirit Within”
“In Mourning”
I Took Good Care Of Myself
“Youthful promise nicked at and blasted away is not even something original for me to say.”
(Emergence – Dawn Avery, Ash Dargan & Ron Warren)
Self Review
“When the chips are down, desperation makes it harder to see clear paths of morality.
Therefore, instead of relaxing to defrag reset, I increase my own pressure against resistance to keep visualizing and tracking.”
What Is Right
“I keep trying to do this, regardless of personal losses.”
Dear Alex,
“I did it…
I brought us all full circle.
The kids are grown, successfully.
I provided for them and our animals.
People helped along the way, but I held the line – I held onto the vision and the memory.
Forgive me when I collapse, exhausted and empty.”
(Here Is The House – Depeche Mode)
Here In This House
A near replica of the one where
We were crowded by addiction
But now there’s yard space flex
And neighbors’ sane community
(Suddenly · Olivia Newton-John & Cliff Richard, From Xanadu)
A New Phase
“I’d like to say I am ready, but handing over reins to other competant people is not something that I’m used to having the option of.”
Constants
“By observing patterns and my own responses, I learn, at least, about coping mechanisms – and about the aspects of myself struggling to gain room for their freedom of expression.”
I Want Out!
Seizes mappings of pain patterns to continue exerting will into reshaping one’s own destiny.
Find Better Ways
“Terrorizing a person into seeking how to just live in each moment is an outdated and wasteful way to treat a human’s decency.”
(Close Your Eyes – Future Of Forestry)
Honestly
“Writing my progressions for all of these years is likely how I’ve reinforced keeping connection with any traces of my sanity.”
Repetition
“Citing no-go’s keeps me from seeking false shelter.”
(Numb – Elderbrook, Chill Mix)
Striking Out
She had given them chances aplenty, but abandonment was always a dealbreaker.
(Missing Limbs – Sleep Token)
Severed limbs
She had been there for him through his worst times, but when his crazymaking and her longterm starvation for his love converged into a sickening slew, he abandoned her – later stating that he could not carry any weight to be there for her.
Marriage Vows
“In sickness and in health.”
Self Worth
“I felt proud of my prior physical abilities.”
(Amen – for KING & COUNTRY)
Repost from November 14, 2024
Epitaph
“I want mine to say more than that I struggled valiantly.
I want it to also say that I got to live.”
(Little Whip – Daggy Man)
First Born
“Breaks new ground the hardest.”
I Knew Myself
“I knew I was worthy of love, even if I couldn’t feel it.
Yet they were treating me this way, caught up in their own past internal disregulated programmings.”
Child Custody
“They use this term to mean which parents have which kids at which times.
But for a child who is unwanted, negated, disregarded, and neglected – and maybe only used only to get access to a younger sibling – the term can mean repeated sentences of termed incarceration with torment.”
Late Teens, On My Own
“In everything I did, I looked for traces of love – and gave it, even if not returned.”
Lost Trust From Abandonment
“Due to lack of others’ followthrough.
I guess this is why I keep trying to be independent.
Necessity into habit.”
Healer & Protector
“They are saying this is a right combo.
I kept developing my skills as a healer, but the others stopped protecting.
I had to take on both roles in absence of others’ followthrough.
No wonder I struggle with burnout.”
Taking On Mass
She deserved better than giving up, so she just fought to deal with the ‘impact.’
(History repeating in waves)
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