Category: A Woman’s Plight

She was pregnant with their 2nd, having lost the first way before term.

They were living in Santa Barbara briefly, in the bottom half of a large house high up on the crest edge overlooking.

One night, they even saw a rocket launching from Vandenburg, pluming its bright light into the glories of Heaven.

She listened to Sarah McLachlan’s album “Surfacing,” praying for the day that he would, holding tight to him, although he didn’t seem to want her company.

She never got the chance to have a real conversation with him, and feared his rejection and shutting down everything if she tried.

So she just sang in the kitchen opening her heart to the universe in welcoming and trying to fashion a way through, making sure that she’d have herself together by birthing time.

He wanted to take her somewhere special, but she was wound up too tight.

He wanted her to follow his lead, but he was nowhere in sight.

Asking her to believe without proof’s insight kept being occluded by past experienced blights.

And her frustration flared because she was tired of playing the fool without any tangibilities.

She wanted him, and it was driving her crazy.

“What am I doing with my life!” It had been all too hazy.

Not for lack of trying or designing – but for efforts required to just keep surviving.

Holding ground was noteworthy and necessary, but not soul fulfilling.

I respond according to
What I’m presented with

Ponytail

Hasty tie

Rarely down

“You don’t need a man…you need a champion.”

(Quote from movie: Eat, Pray, Love)

“What would it be like to experience this in a partner’s eyes?”

“I will have to think about that.”

She worried there were others
That matched up with the code.

She slipped and scoffed at him
That burning hell-hole of angst

Pouring lavish resentment
Into stewed remains of love

Something she’d never have done
No matter what anyone did to her

But the sick, thick, twisted irony
Kept choking – corrupting senses

As witnessed generation patterns
Acid-pouring on purity’s memory

So she lashed out in a short burst
Because he had untrained her dog

Who was too big to be jumping up
And now had adopted anarchy in

The name of another’s propagation
Passive-aggressively unraveling all

And she clipped that it was his fault
The thick skull had cracked his tooth

Ashamed that she had degenerated
Unable to restrain responding rage

I’d gone on a quest
To find a male spirit

I could bond with
To replace my ex

And found him
In a crossbreed

His feathery, lanky hair
Sifted between fingers

Cascading beautifully
In strength reassuring

Warmth in his kind eyes
Laughed adventurously

I’d forgotten there was
A pair of hazel worthy

I showed him that there
Was more to life’s living

He helped me feel that
I was worth everything

Yet I knew that if I
Loved him as I felt

I might seal that door
To my own partnering

And so we grew distant
Until he chased a sheep

And I had to
Rehome him

We don’t speak often
Of how our hearts ache

And of the other one
Who passed as kitten

Afraid of stinging
Burns of rejection

Vulnerability is brief
In allowed exposures

They say she has more wisdom
She is more mature than before

But I have had these qualities all along
The dfference now is I am a bit tougher

Her kitchen was a mess – and she needed cookies.

(Title play)

What if she was wrong, again?

“I was left as if I was the problem.”

“As I slowly emerged from deep sleeping, I awoke to find myself and my children entangled in others’ nightmares of a life only slightly worth living.

When a sleeper awakens and begins fighting for others and protecting them in hostile territory, there is rarely forgiving.”

“I used to value and enjoy them until I repeatedly experienced people I needed to show up for me using them as escapism.”

I was breaking away for the first time
Staying often alone at parents’ house

Carefully opening wings in heat of sun
Wheelbarrow-spreading their shavings

I loved the feel of simple manual labor
Muscles flexing while tied with nature

In the evening I dyed my hair black
Put on makeup and went dancing

At Goth night after driving to S.F.
Along 280 scenic contrasting 101

I always loved going into The City
Lured by the underground hidden

Had my first and only meetup event
Proud of such brave disappointment

I was trying to break new ground to
Become something freshly different

Met my ex-fiance online during
Later strove to create our future

Sometimes it’s like I’m just spinning circles
All that time and effort looping atonement

It became clear that with more being foisted upon her, she was again having to manage too many things.