Category: Altered States

“Gratitude…”

“Feeling self empowerment return on some levels and being able to contribute.

Having these taken away again is bewildering and feels terrible.”

“‘You’ve got me in a chokehold…

So ‘even if I can’t sleep, show me the way.'”

—

(Sleep Token song reference)

“I planned to keep being there for a few, but symptoms worsen still – so even these, I had to postpone.”

“This stage is a prison, a beautiful nightmare. A war of attrition. I’ll take what I’m given – the deepest incisions. I thought I got better, but maybe I didn’t.”

“Please universe, help me find my healings.”

“I had known it was ‘bad,’ but they had only found hints of the areas before that they had then waived off as minor, despite my unusually extreme symptoms”

“The pain had increased to such intensity over the past couple of weeks that getting it to finally back down a notch or two has me floating in hazey nerve fry.”

“I should have waited, knowing the dogs were distracted, but instead I waded right into them at the height of their excited surge-lauching toward the person behind me – and got my leg attachments pulled.

Dazed and confused, I feel insubstantial as the ground shifts ever constantly under me, making it difficult to find and retain my bearings.

(Likely, flip flops don’t help, but the toe needs a little more time)

Good thing I’m an air sign and can dissociate somewhat, othrwise I’m not sure I would have made it this far by endurence.”

(Pop!)

“My humerus at last repositioned!”

“I have just managed to extricate myself from the mode of ‘full steam ahead,’ pulling off into an eddied pool as the river of life keeps blasting full throttle downstream.

Having taken damage trying to keep up with the rapids, perhaps more gentle side streams might bypass and reconverge where navigating becomes smoother sailing.”

“Please, just give me any position of comfort.

Anything…”

What good is all this talk of wings
When there is nothing left above?

—-

(Sleep Token lyrics from “Even In Arcadia”)

“It seems that I have come to the end of what I can due to bring in income, unless I deviate course drastically and have ability to wait for several months – if not longer.

What purpose to be driven to this precipice with only options as denial or acceptance?”

Cranial bones are shifted.

“Gets hard to create when the nerve and chord twist-compress into hot, pinching pain and the panic sets in.”

“Just casting my net about, trying to grapple with this sea monster and come up with better solutions than freaking the fu** out…”

“Looms on the horizon…”

“Believe it or not, I don’t like complaining – but I keep getting driven to mention it in order to attempt to obtain some sort of psychological release.”

“I’m going to have to shift how I’ve looked at all of this in order to create a new form of hope to carry on.”

When paths forward
Erase into fading dim

Going becomes slower
As insecurity increases

One must take hold of
Frightened heart/mind

Carefully testing steps for
Stability’s further slippage

“Two years to this state is pretty darn rapid.

Gee, migraines and symptoms validated.

Why, thank you!”

Counter-strategies

“What to do about it…”

“The spinal cord was overstretched, cervical stacking stability shorted out, and brain is being pullled at in every movement, so constant distress signals’ flight/fight/freeze signals keep alternating and prevent fascial proprioceptors from regulating.

But that’s not what many doctors would say.

They will look at where it is pinching, compressing, and/or grindng…

Because they still do not understand how to treat actual causes to system ‘failures’ by looking for underlying reasons in order to troubleshoot and provide restorative therapies.”

Worse than before…why?

(I’m not freaking out…I’m not panicking…my blood pressure is fine – I’m fine, da** it!)

Pushed shoulders &
Further ripped hips

From slipping on carpet
Working to disassemble

That extra foam layer proposed
I had hoped would’ve benefited

Testifies to the extent of
Unnegotiable discomfort

I can still attend many things
Just not the same drudgeries

“Yeah, ’cause I just knocked myself loose again, jumping around and dancing, getting hardcore into to that song.”

(Ouuch…but worth it)

“These rules are borked!: