“I had to shove aside the fears associated with suddenly not being able to grip or lift things properly.”
Category: Altered States
(Pools – Hotel Hours)
At Least I First Made It To 50’s
(Doin’ It Right – Daft Punk ft. Panda Bear)
Briefly Waking
“For the first time in several weeks, when I lie here in bed, I do not feel as physically wrecked as I have been…
Of course, now I have to attempt to dig up plants and try to lift up many, many, many full pots to transport them…”
Cussing
“I think that some glimmers of my normalcy are starting to return to where, at times, I would like to back it down a bit in my private dialogue.”
Peek-A-Boo
“Blazing Confirmation.”
“To The Job, Sir”
Movie Serenity quote.
And Now…
“I have 15 minutes to do too many things without tearing my tissues further.
It’s amazing how we can take for granted ease of movement when we naturally have tissue connectivity integrity.
I miss those days…
Correction: 10 minutes.”
Self Projecting
“I am still hurt and my needed bits are not reconnected, so when pushed by timeliness and necessary labor, it’s my anger that brings strength to me by filling in the gaps and spaces with liquid rage.
And then when I can take a break for a moment, somewhere inside in the background, my subconscious is whimpering and crying hysterically while my ego screams ‘YAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHH’ triumphantly for having achieved and beaten back disability.
In the late evenings and early mornings, I am not ok…
But I keep trying to be.”
(Title play with words)
Seething Resentment
“I used to have occasional cranky periods, but they would come and go like temporary storms looking forward to the sunlight, again.
Now, because I have to keep physically and mentally powering through everything while suporessing emotion with little rest and down time for recuperation, I carry a molten fire cloud around me emitting angry, vexed, and determined frustration
D9 NOT make eye contact with me during these times, because my eyes will shoot out laser beams and burn friendliness to cinders as I grit my teeth – more upset by the invasion of my privacy intrusion.
Yeah, I dare you.
(Honestly, I do try to be nice while growling and struggling – but still, don’t tempt me)
Until it’s time to perform healing therapies, where I must access the other, finer qualities of my personality for others’ benefit.
And then it’s right back into the pit fires of Hell for me.”
Almost 4 Years Later
‘I’ve never heard of a car accident’s impact causing such injuries as I have experienced.”
Back To God
In having to sort through, separate, and send onward so much of this and that as quickly as possible, she emboldened herself and left the “gifted” prayer rug at the masjid door to the women’s section.
For though it had been brilliantly colored beautifully, she needed to have its taint cleansed by others’ innocence.
Because it had been a “gift” that essentially tried to leverage itself as a buy-off.
A consolation prize added to a small pile of materialistic goods with an enforced permanent “farewell” in the guise of “visit any time.”
And, she still didn’t understand how people who professed such deep beliefs in God’s “teachings” could ever do such a thing.
(Title play with words)
Something In The Air
“The sky has been displaying imagery and phenomena that I have never seen before.”
Storage
Heaving and cussing, with the best of intentions.
Reclaiming Space
“It was difficult being squeezed out and against the walls by others taking over the space in my own home, and scattered my sense of self and any functionality after prior car accident injuries were made worse by the shower slip’s concussive fall.”
Finding Pieces
“Of prior functionality.”
Aaahhhhhhh
“It’s nice having my low intensity lighting, again.”
“Stranger-Danger”
“Did you miss me?” the neighbor asked.
“I appreciate my privacy,” she responded.
“That’s not a straight answer,” he noted.
“But, it’s my reply.”
The Swing
It either mattered
Too much or
Not enough.
Up That Hill
“Pushing
And Pushing
And Pushing
And Pu-Shing…”
Wax Pa-per
“I have a lot of it, somehow, and find it very funny that I am temporarily using it as shelf and drawer lining until I can find my real stash.”
Drips And Drabs
“Always looking for safe moments of ‘give.’
Like when the storage bill is due, but it turns out there is a 7 day grace period…”
Patterns Of Rejection
“Abandoned or
‘Inadvertently’ shoved
Onto the ice flow.”
And The Wolf
“Just bypasses the barrier gate that I’ve hastily set up to come into the bedroom and look at me.
In her quiet way, her cloudy eyes clearly convey what she thinks that I should next be doing.
(Time to take them out, a-gaaaaaiiinnnn)
I Don’t Know
“When things get real hard, I bear down and push through them – no ‘nonsense’ allowed – and my expansive thinking is not as much available to me.
So with my hound suddenly misbehaving – getting food aggressive with the wolf and then bay-screaming in housing tight within community after reexposure to a dog that had in the past attacked her but had been part of our family…
When I was nervous, afraid, and/or insecure as a child, everyone just avoided, hard disciplined, and/or yelled at me.
I am not a natural intuitive when it comes to dog psychology.
And with the hound, giving whining and other associative ‘negative’ behavior ‘good’ attention just seens to reinforce her insecurities.”
(Another Tricky Day – The Who)
A New Suit
“Of armor settles over me.
Lighter with more mobility.
Yet, more restricting.”
Muscle Tension
“From doing too much, and ever compounding.”
Moldy Zucchinni
“Fine!
Frozen pizza it is, then!”
Laughter At A Recipe’s Instructions
“Yeah –
That’s not happenin…'”
My 50’s
Zombie
“I’m not a-waaaaaaaaake!”
Agitation
“They say ‘things get better with time…’
No they don’t.
Not if they keep ramping up intensities.”
Now, That’s
“‘Gratitude.'”
Beyond “Empty-Nesting”
“Being tossed from one’s own nest.”
Banishing Misery
“Having to keep on pushing and prodding the self forward too much.
Yet, rather than countering or meeting such energy directly, if my partner could just swoop on in joining, then it would not be so hard to give over the lead.”
It’s Funny
“Because I absolutely adore and crave creative romance…
But I feel so burnt out right now that I just want to ‘cut to the chase’ and experience being loved.
I need to feel my love’s warm and caring arms around me.”
“Love Messages”
“He” was coming “tonight” and told the viewer to get ready – elaborating for her to prepare by clearing her schedule, fin8shing tasks, and scattering rose petals.
It would, indeed, be a night that they would always remember.
She had just cleaned up and mopped a nass of dog pee.
She was wearing sweat pants.
And she could not afford time nor money nor energy units to suddenly go out and scramble to find rose petals.
Cave Dweller
“What is PMS, anyway?
Don’t look at me as if I should know – just because I am female.
I mean, it turns women into emotional spikers – even to the point of feeling volatile.
Where is this attractive?
How can this be part of good mating strategy?
Are our bodies angry because we are not pregnant?
Is PMS supposed to push us to having aggressive initiative that overcomes initial reserve and shyness?!”
(Move [Keep Walkin’] – TobyMac)
(
Eating Pickles & Cheese
“Over the sink, while the dogs pant on the edge of the kitchen, pressuring me.”
Perceptions
“Are subject to assessments, then judgements.”
After 4am
“I finally divested.”
I Fell Asleep In My Clothes
“Because I couldn’t ‘stand’ to walk, again.”
(Content play)
(Back On The Chain Gain – The Pretenders)
“Recovery”
Working pushing capacities
Continuing to sort and clean up
Wreckage of drastic transition
Trying to make the best of it
Close To The Edge
Trying to make good decisions.”
Life Stages
Masks can provide a forum whereby self expression reveals.
(Title play with words)
Candid Corvid Productions 