I need to calm my shakey system…
Category: Altered States
How Does It Help
“To shame, disregard, and mistreat a patient in honest need?”
FlipSides
There is no sunnyside up when
More mistreatment in “society”
The silver lining being no bleeding
And deeper bonding with children
As Far As I Can Go
The paramedics, except one, did not want to take her seriously.
And right when they arrived at the hospital’s exchanging, her being felt that she was not being transferred into safe keeping.
Immediately, the intake male nurse disregarded the pain and difficultties that she was having.
He made her further hurt herself by refusing to help her reattempt on her own to get into the wheelchair in his disregard’s treating her inhumanely.
Until she refused to try anymore until they brought someone who had any decency.
An older woman arrived, and for no provocation they’d also brought security.
The older woman stepped in front of her and to the right – and then the patient could grip and position herself where they wanted her to be.
The older woman hummed softly as she pushed her to a room where she could lay down again to manage the pain and imbalanced fluid exchange.
A brief blessing of kind compassion that help her reorient and keep trying to self stabilize.
It was a room reserved for mental patients, with cameras and a lockable closing door, where she could hear the nursing staff loudly joking at the ER station and one later said after she pressed the help button – “As if there isn’t someone down the way who is actually dying!”
At that point, she got help to call her eldest, because they didn’t seem to care or believe that she was dealing with brain trauma.
And while she was waiting, she finally began recording how loud and irreverent they were all being generally, irregardless of the fact people were there, hurt and dying.
They must’ve seen and heard her on the cameras, etc., because suddenly the noise got quieter.
And once her eldest arrived, they became more respectful and her eldest helped advocate for another scan against the doctor’s resistance to ensure that the sudden onset of symptoms did not include further risk from hemoraging.
‘Please take me to a different hospital if needed in the future,’ she requested to her eldest at the end.
Nothing like being confused and terrified with people making it worse by refusing to help as gaslighting.”
Addle-Pated
“Honestly…
I liked how I was before the accidents.
But I can try to still be some forms of me despite them.”
After ER
“No bleeding, yet my own discovery that inflammation also serves to cushion injury – so that when fluids suddenly drain, abrupt changes in presssure in and around the brain can cause various system disregulations, includimg more pain.”
Oh, That’s Funnn
“Standing up and feeling nausea as my legs turn purple and weight floods my solar plexus.
Help!
I think I’m going into shock.
Lying back down to try and let waves passover me…
This sucks!
Greeaat
“My face is breaking out with impact blotches.
Internal bruising filtering its way to the surface?
I guess this is a good sign – meaning that the dense forehead trauma is trying to break up and alleviate internal pressure.
But its effects look like a type of subtle liver splotching swelling on my face.
Come on, Crone!
Give me a fu**ing break!
Slip-N-Slide
“I have been trying to figure out why my several, strong attempts to stop my flipping fall head first into the shower wall that Friday night failed and, instead, resulted in increasing momentum each time gripping moist hands hit the wall.
Usually, fiberglass-like plastic will have a dry squeek traction that one can engage with once out of the direct water’s flow – even with damp hands.
But, instead, a sequence of expounded upon slippery compounding effects resulted, assuring my impacting doom.
Then, yesterday, a friend reminded me that the cleanser used in hotel bathrooms is a spray that they wipe over the surfaces and never have time to rinse off.
I remember this being true from my own past experiences of when I briefly tried working in different hotels, but did not take the jobs because it was a thematic that management expects cleaners to cut corners for quick room turnovers.
So layers of this spray accumulate, and with no traction provided on the tub floor or bars on the wall for maintaining stability, the situation is a ticking time bomb scenario for an accident to happen.
I also noticed after being moved to a room with bars in the bathroom after the accident that those shower walls were also flexible.
So, great…
Flexible walls saved my life by providing some bounce to my head and shoulder impacts – instead of cracking with force into a hard surface – but slickery walls without bars was a set up to cause someone damage in the first place.
And I just happened to get the ‘luck of the draw’ that evening.”
The Swing
In this quiet, we belong to each other
Yet in the ‘real world,’ we are far apart
Until I feel you then, too, permeating
What madness pervades my senses
Causing such desires blooming
Without ability to touch you?
(Silence – Delerium, Sarah McLachlan & John Summit)
On Some Level
“I must know that I am good enough – even though I do not feel that I am good enough.
It is harsh to keep having what few externals that I had felt proud of exhibiting being taken away.”
Close Enough To Touch
She had loved being able to breathe in his scent, and had forgotten that that was an essential element in bonding relationships.
—-
(Neurofeedback altered states internal experience as if in a waking drean)
(Crumblin’ Down – John Mellencamp)
I Don’t Want To Be
“Dependent upon help from society.
Remember how I’ve been consigned for ages as an outlier?
Well the side benefit of this was my autonomy and independence!
My pride and self manifestation!”
Neural Healing
Recognition
It’s Like This
Right Now
(Hold On – Triumph)
Thematics
She saw a sign saying”Bernard Malamud, ‘A New Life,’ and recognized that a new life was what she was indeed heading toward.
But she didn’t want to read the book because she was tired of so much messaging pounding upon her from every angle to get her to let it have its influence.
The title itself enough reinforced the truth of what she was wrestling with – for certainly, there was no going back to what she’d had or was before.”
What?
“What do you want?”
(Heart racing and confused)
Heart–Wake
She was dozing, trying the fall asleep, when suddenly directly in front of her a huge black wolf snarl-lunged as it loudly barked with challenging admonishment toward and back away from her face with jaws wide open baring fangs to make sure that it had captured her attention while directly staring into her eyes.
Her heart and body jumped, startling her awake from this sudden vision.
(Rest Easy – Nimino)
(Locked Out Of Heaven – Bruno Mars)
Trying To Heal
“Part of it is just tryimg to get into a comfortable position – and then letting the body shut down.”
I Saw “Signs”
“Yesterday, the sun and clouds blazed brilliant – as if sendings from God and/or the universe.
I have not posted photos, yet, because the visual impacts on my mind are a lot to unpack.
And I don’t understand why I see such things – as if granted a peak behind the veil, or a definite message to keep me going – but then my life returns to gray survival mundane modes.
What do I do with – what happens to that energy?
Does it restart my soul’s vibrations so that even when the mortality of me despairs, my soul somewhere, somehow ‘knows’ greater things are unfolding and gains renewed purpose, so I will keep going?
Because I can say that right now, the mortality in me is very much too tired and 8 with these patterns of struggling.”
(No Stopping The Sea – Hammock, The Sleepover Series Volume I))
Hysterics
“It’s never going to get better – is it?!
It’s always going to hurt.
I’ll just get hurt again.
And I’ll always be screaming inside when any movement I do is trying to tear me apart – over and over, again!”
(Fore – Liquid Pennies, Full Album)
On The Edge
Wish I waa stoned
Glad that I am not
(Roots – Klur)
“Reality”
She was reinjured and caught within a next level pain trap attempting to break down her ability to reclaim independent functioning.
Why was she being interfered with?
Why was she being pounded upon?
This was no way to garner her submission!
I’d Like To Say
“Back to normal – but ‘normal’ is constant adaptation to extremes.
So if this is the case, can we have some fun with it, please?”
(Analog Reverie – FallingSky)
They Could’ve Just Asked Me
“The fall’s effects could be seen as an extra layer of deterent toward continuing with school.
But I was already looking at this regarding winter and spring, considering other priorities.”
Integration
“Routines…
They will coax my body back into a sense of normalcy – even if ‘normalcy’ can only ever be ‘temporary.'”
(In The City – Eagles)
Made It!
“Mission Accomplished.”
(Silly Love Songs – Wings)
Carefully Winding
“I’ve been taking my time in order to track my safety’s condition.
Eyes are beginning to twitch and pain is returning – time to spread my wings!”
(For The Breakdowns – Afternoon Bike Ride)
Two Sutures
“A misinterpreted establishment’s name of ‘Two Brothers’ as passing by through the sun’s glaze.
Ler’s me know that my brain’s addlement still likes to get me with its mirth flowing.”
(Thriller 7″ – Michael Jackson, Special Edit)
Adrenaline
“Certain parts of this town have real, driver a**holes who feel unrighteously self-entitled as they attempt to push the rest of us into harm’s way to assert their own ego-based narcissistic ventures.”
Unquaivering Quivering
“Ummm…yeah…
Hard to keep stability, thus hard to feel stabile – but I’m doin’ my best.
Pretty sure the new head injury is contributing.”
Bad-A**
“There are many reasons that I walk slowly with dense purpose…”
Puffy Eyes
“Ah, yes…
Another episode in the soap opera, ‘Days Of Our Lives…’
‘Tell me, doctor – is she going to live?'”
(Leave It – YES)
Layers
“Of injuries, what can be said?”
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