“But I Am…”
Category: Altered States
Migraines
“Bring your demons to the fore.”
MRI’s
“Over and over and over again…”
My Will
“Feels ill.”
My Rings
“Many of them are not fitting, anymore.
I don’t know if this is because my fingers are getting more densely strong from my efforts to keep repairing, or if due to systemic swelling.
When I try to put them on, they meet thick resistance – not the typical fluid retention flex.
Perhaps this also indicates my continued shifting, as if into a new form.”
(Lonely Sky – ECHOES)
Cutting Losses
“I had to change my classes to ‘audit’ so that I can gather the info for another day – and let go of struggling.”
Sleeeeeep
“Why can’t Iiiii?”
“Eye’s On Fire”
(Invincible – Pat Benatar)
Taking A Bow
“Swollen ankles – anyone?”
I Did One
“It took forever with meticulous breaking down and re-reviewing every component – but I did it.
Brain quiver says, ‘Don’t you dare try another tonight.'”
Making A Simple Chart
“I am on my 4th rough draft now because it’s all about placement of identification symbols – which identifying symbols (letters, shapes, icons, and associations) has been the main issue of my prior brain injury – now combined with blocked interpretive cognition from the concussion, as well as slight tremoring when trying to access fine to large motor skills.
I can literally feel my brain quivering from the normally minor strain of just trying to draw line measures straight, and then penning the symbols in proper spaces tries to for some reason bounce me around in tiny spacing.
Not sure how much I should be pushing to achieve progress, but how else can I regain anything?!”
The Struggle
“Regarding school by itself, I am trying to catch up with 70% completed by the 10th to gain an ‘Incomplete’ on both classes, which would allow me to gain an extension.
But my cognitive decoding of instructions, tasks, and then applications has slowed down to a third of what I had with prior brain injury.
I do not know if I can accomplush any of this seemingly simple sequential step-taking.
Just working on one assignment – granted, at 2:30am now in the morning – is straining my concussion.
But during the day, I am dealing with navigating phone calls, appointments, and searching for more survival resources.
And, I need help to decode and identify what my software applications class is asking functionally – which has been delayed all quarter even before the shower accident.
Yes, this is why I come here…
To have some belief that I am still capable.”
Energetic Parasites
“I do not know the cure – but I can sense some when they lure…”
(Nothing Left To Lose · Mat Kearney)
Somehow,
“I am supposed to believe that all of this hardship is leading to something better for me.”
(Insert maniacal cackling, here)
(Beautiful – Ben Böhmer ft. Malo)
The Joys Of Setbacks
“My hands have full numbness-flash episodes, now…”
(Another Way – FoldingSky)
So Much Fun
“Applying again for prospectively tapped-out resources.”
(Fading – Faller Music)
(Bright Lights – Kx5 [Kaskade & Deadmau5] – ft.. AR/CO)
Polarity
Too hot
Too cold
To meek
To bold
The Count Down
“5:55, 6:44, 7:33, 8:22…
What’s going on?
Why can’t I sleep?”
I Play The Part
Struts
“After attempting more cleaning yesterday and then resting, getting up in the middle of the night finds me feeling a “V” shape of vector pain tip upward into arches of my feet into bottom of inner ankle – especially left where I put more weight.
This is from flexing while vacuuming and mopping slowly and carefully in a hunch-slump to protect my neck and distribute force across shoulder, hip, and back joints without over-engaging arms and legs.
So, basically, I pivot-rocked much over my feet, which were originally blasted in the car accident from pressing hard against brake and foot rest when the other car’s firce went through my body and legs from back to front of me out my feet, etc.
My feet have been “rolling” and phillage bone tendons turning on and off randomly when walking since then – which when combined with leg and above muscles and joints doing the same thing, makes walking a wholey different glide-managing-not-to-stumble mix-matched conundrum ride.
But this “V” sharp pain with numb throbbing distribution, though painful and weird-feeling, is new – suggesting that my arch curve tensility is at last beginning to redefine itself!”
(New Sensation – INXS)
Repost from October 2022
A New Sensation
“As I turn to walk now, a puff of air goes into my shoe to my feet – officially declaring my always worn shoes have split.”
(The Man – The Killers)
Repost from March 2022
A Wild Ride
“Feeling one’s brain shift around inside.”
(Ouch!)
The American Way
Desiring a personal holiday
Despite barriers prohibiting
Proud Of Myself
“I figured out where the paper clips were – and that I could use the pointy tip of one to clear out the hole of my incense holder so that I could insert another stick!”
Success!
“Concussion retriggered – but bedroom floor is vacuumed!”
(Here Comes The Flood – Peter Gabriel – Addy Feuerstein, Urban Origamu Video)
Illusion’s Choice
Every nerve quivers to restore
Clean order peace to my place
But if I do, I won’t finish school
It’s clear that I’ve become a fool
To think that I can self regulate
These external impulses pulling
Internal focus away from center
Distracting by fritter-frettering
Hurting My Self
Not because I wish to self harm
But because I need my strength
To help clear out garage’s glut
Get extra furniture stored in it
To clean the messes in my yard
To restore bedroom high regard
To clean the bathroom walls
Where broken fan has failed
And to vacuum front rooms
Then mop/dust away gloom
—
(Title of multiple meanings)
Static Cling
My hound has eaten the wood ends
Of the vintage designed coffee table
Because she has witnessed the others
Chewing on as ruining kitchen chairs
She has lost all reserve hollering
The others wear no bark collars
Anarchy reins supreme by family
Coming and going in own skeins
I have the honor of assisting
When arms want to overturn
Chaos, dirt, and mess by strength’s
Redetermination that I can’t access
Rare Reprieve
Other dogs have access to my space
Where mine were denied for reasons
Other dogs tear apart the careful regard
My own had for our inclusive politeness
They all now bark shattering my sanity
Destroying and tracking as I can’t clean
Nor tread safely without bump-injury
In whirlwinds when attempt to leave
(Shadows – Camp Crush)
A Punitive System
She had already been making certain decisions – so why did influences have to hard shove closed doors from those directions she was already leaving?
(Infinite Baths – Sleep Token)
Self Recipe For Post Concussion Healing
Craniosacral opening of spine, neck, and head light programming – Day1-2 post concussion
Enforced personal therapy trigger points all over head, neck, shoulders, back, and spine over several hours trying to unlock compression, free brain from suffocation, and reduce high-intensity inflammation pain – Day 1 evening
Osteopathic Manipulation doctor gentle realignment cuing – Day 4 post concussion
Meanwhile, daily gentle excercises at gym to reconnect joints, muscles, and spine stability
Light Neurofeedback to help brain firing restabilize and reclaim prior gains – Day 7
Frontal hematoma and swelling first major release, causing brain cavity internal adjustments with injury severe exposure pain in sudden, periodic major shifting that I do not think anyone should have to be consciously experiencung while it is happening! – Day 9
(***DO NOT TRY THIS ON YIUR OWN AT HOME – OMG LOL!***)
“Hard-Knocks” Knowledge Gain
“Feeling the inside components of my skull shifting into better position as the fluid pressure released was excruciatingly painful and terrifying – especially when I sat up briefly and could taste the saline taint of lymphatic puss and blood from behind my throat passage as it drained.”
(Take Your Time – AURENZA)
(Butterfly Effect – Traffic Scott)
For What Good?
“I am being stripped of my abilities.”
Candid Corvid Productions 