Category: Altered States

“As if I’m afraid to make a wrong move…”

“I am a very cautious unicorn.”

“It’s important to set achievable, short-term, small goals to create a sense of one’s striving when a life’s purpose seems to have become terribly upended and motivation sputters.”

“A much respected older peer once told me to write the story of my life one day.

But what could I say that would make sense of all of the tragedies?

Pain’s pressure squeezes as it builds over time, until not a drop of blood feels like it can ever again flow freely.

It forces hope’s light to seek shelter, buried deep underground, begging for the end of growth’s dormancy.”

“If I keep slowing down to just process the hits I’ve taken, will my being reboot and I won’t feel forsaken?”

“I do think that when one discovers that they’ve just been being used again, there is going to be a hit taken of further negative psychological impact.”

“I am not sure if it’s good or not that I need to rest and sleep more while only being able to do like one fourth of what I used to do.”

“I have an opportunity to possibly pursue more training, but doing evetything on my own while still recoverimg from injuries is keeping me barely treading water.”

“Hold me together by giving a sense of consistency in a life filled with uncertainty.”

I’ve been writing to myself online on one site or another for about thirteen years or so, and I wonder what it’s gained me besides maintaining a grip on my sanity.

“444, the most vital message is this: Be prepared for success. It’s not just about getting something that you wanted. It’s about being ready for what comes after that success, so it doesn’t destroy you—and so you can make the most out of said success.”

https://www.elle.com/horoscopes/a61669073/444-angel-number-meaning-explained/

But, how does one get ready for succes, if one has not had certain levels of such success, before?

It’s hard to believe that I will get through this and find my self anew on the other side.

Being in the trailer in the low mountains, having to live as if we were homesteaders.

A cunning and powerful internal defense mechanism that waited to take over after the maiden inside gave up on being able to fight for good due to longterm efforts’ exhaustion.

It does not seem right that after advocating for and well-launching my family that my reward should be loneliness and injury.

(Title play on words)

To speak about the levels of abuse one has experienced – but it is real.

And what is attractive is a person’s fighting to overcome such circumstances to ensure their war is better won.

Gummies infused with chamomile and passion flower are my insomnia diversion.

That’s what outsiders would say, unaffected by situation, process, and resultant outcome.

“I had needed his loving, doting attention and snuggling affection, but he had ignored me for so long that I began reacting as if I were an emotionally-starving banshee.”

How do I break through to the me that’s burried underneath all of this, suffocating?

“The hardest lesson I have had to learn as an adult is the relentless need to keep going, no matter how broken I feel inside.”

A society that contributes to devaluing morality.

Sometimes, there can be too much.

There comes a time when
Only one thing can appease

A wounded soul that would freeze
Without ire’s heat to keep comfort.

Hey!
“I’m great!”

You – there!
I’m over here!

Pay attention to me!
Buy what I’m selling!

Applying to contests
And scholarships

Just like working
Freelance focused

Are things I cannot afford
When scraping for stability.

If one is and has been,
How does one reset?

How can starvation be
Fed to appeasement?

How is one to believe
Nourishment can last

If history limited to
Temporary repast?

A friend helped me yesterday to move items that had been blocking my progress because I could not manage them on my own without causing reinjury.

I hate having to wait for this slow-as-molasses healing.

Those challenge items kept me stuck in disarray for months while I tried to function around them!

So when my friend took her leave and tried to impress upon me that I “had done enough for the day,” I thanked her, closed the door, and dove into the side projects that our progress had exposed.

Of course, today I am suffering in neck pain and discoordination for the overexertion beyond neural and muscular tolerances.

But, I couldn’t let things spiral apart again by leaving various messes.

I needed to capitalize on the sudden clarity and ride its course of momentum.

Motherhood is often about putting aside one’s own needs for the sake of others.

“I could not do what I know I need to do, get nowhere, and ‘save’ imaginary money.

Or, I could push boundaries, invest efforts, and overcome ‘insurmountable’ difficulties.”

“Having checked out two places, and feeling socially mortified – not from the staff, which were friendly, but from the feel that I just don’t belong there.”

“They say you can’t have some of one without some of the other, but let me tell you where it’s been lacking for me….”

When a person is pushed too far away from their internal balance point, it is best to be cautious with judgement against their reactions.