Category: Altered States

I regret tossing the shoes with the hole – oh, how I regret it!

They fit me so well and kept me balanced with smooth transitioning stability poised directly under me.

Keds, sweet Keds…

Gone – all gone!

The replacement shoe pair that I found are hard-sole-lifted under feet, making it painful for weight-bearing philanges to shift over as if clamboring and causing deep stress to torn attachments around hips from stalted movement ambulating.

And the other pair of shoes that are softer but sunk down and too long that I hadn’t worn since before the accident wrenched my leg struts and surprisingly shifted balance off, causing sense of as if I’m about to blackout and hindbrain dizziness!

Countering effects of indoctrinated  brainwashing by repeating visually externally the truth of self which has become difficult to see and reestablish internally.

I finally got the fireplace restarted!

“I have been paying for trauma put onto men from other people since the day I was born!”

We are taught to be as puppets and to let others pull our strings, dictate how our strings shall be pulled, and to dance to these janky rhythms with distort our truths and leave us discarded on a shelf when “masters” are done “playing.”

Well, if we are not loved for doing these things we were told that we would be loved for, maybe we should all just cut our strings.

(Title reference to the story of “Pinocchio”)

Having turned to face the danger and ward it off with her sword arm, the car’s impact compressed her right chest into her left side, causing her heart to swell under the extra pressure and need to be protected by her injured shield arm – much like the state in which unfair relationships with men kept leaving her.

“As some animals have developed heart failure, liver cancer, and now possibly mouth cancer, I must at least say to myself that these are indicators that I succeeded at providing quality longevity of life for them – although it does not make sense to me that achievement means death by old age diseases, because it would feel more right if youthful health were further prolonged.”

Unfortunately, Faith requires belief when it is difficult to see or feel tangibles.

There is no real reassurance except shifting one’s self into pushing aside lockdown fear while doing whatever one can to get to show up for those miracles.

Even if that means only being able to do one thing per day.

Because once one gets the momentum going to do that one thing, just in passing one might be able to accomplish a few more other vital things.

And before one knows it, many hurtles have been overcome which seemed impossible or, at least, improbable.

The road isn’t easy, though.

One from many.

Within every confining difficulty, wiggle around to make more space and gain better traction.

Scrolling through new music, she hit play on a new video and soon froze in her tracks on the elliptical machine.

The lyrics were singing about something intimate that she had recently shared in confidence with someone else locally.

And her name was being called out over and over again in the musical overlay.

A feverish reaction took over her brain and her body broke out into a deeper sweat, as if the singer had been speaking directly to her.

What was happening here?!

What the heck could this mean?!

Her resistance suddenly pushed over the edge of its limits, she began making immediate, drastic life changes.

Scooching backwards to find solid ground.

It’s hard to do when false temptation is there, right in front of you.

Deleting that which “tasps.”

(Ref to Larry Niven)

“It’s not so much the hormone drop nor the intense need to feel connection, but the act of muscles locking down around the neck’s pinched nerve that sends my body into hysterics!”

“There’s all of this talk about ‘Chosen Ones,’ and certainly the isolation field that I have felt around me which seems to repel stable, ‘normal life’ aligns with the descriptions – but I prefer to think I have choice in the ‘matter.'”

“I’ve got to be.”

“Usually when I fall, I tend to get a concussion.

So why do I keep trying?”

It is said that humans are wired to respond to acute stress by fight, flight, and/or freeze – but that we start having physiological issues when stress is prolonged longterm and the threat is diffused.

Rainwashed streets reflect lights, reaching beyond boundaries.

In deciding to return the outdoor Christmas lights, rather than put them up, I realize that in doing so, I am embracing the sense of loss that seems all pervading.

And I need shoes.

The last two months have been filled with shifting elements and emergencies.

Wait a minute…

So were the months before those.

And the years before those.

And…

At some point, there must have been some calm spots?

I can barely remember when they were, or what they felt like.

A nice thing about it was that once she hit bottom, there was only going up from there

Sometimes, it’s just all that one can do.

It can’t be seen by the public eye
But leaks out around my family

That lockdown, semi-functional
Catatonic, slow-motion moving

More in my mind than body
But discoordinates plenty

I could go to a dance party tonight
Blow off steam and hear new music

But my being craves what’s known
Running on the elliptical as if home

Imaginary roads being traveled with
Barriers being overcome by striding

Opposite from fear’s innate paralysis
Telling me I can’t create until it’s safe.

She finally figured out that it was the medication that was causing her sore throats and day and night sweats.

Both cats are eating, again!

Since emotional pain kept flooding her system, she decided to utilize its energy.

Fight, flight, or freeze.

Freezing.

Freezing.

Like a Saving-Grace pass in her direction, the email arrived with prospective premise.

She was on her own
She was on her own
She was on her own

When would she get it into her head
These were waters she had to tread
From all of the negative reinforcing?

Why keep fighting the obvious, girl?
“Nofhing is going to change for better”
Give up on yourself – get on disability

A pretty severe one, with sneezing and cough-burning lungs.

She could no longer carry responsibility for the family structure.

The older animals were entering decay and end of life emergencies.

Her youngest had launched and was unavailable to collaborate.

What they call “empty nesting” was more the collapse of a system that required the support of more than one person.