Category: Stream of Thought

The few men that I have desired and loved have been less than fulfilling relationships for me.

I valued the quality of their individuality, did not select for flexibility, and was denied nourishment.

Online dating is not my group of peeps.

“… a genus of American perennial herbs (family Nyctaginaceae) having a tubular-campanulate brightly colored calyx subtended by an involucre that resembles a …”

https://www.merriam-webster.com/dictionary/Mirabilis#:~:text=%3A%20a%20genus%20of%20American%20perennial,calyx%20see%20four%2Do’clock

Open and honest communication, passion for embracing life complexities, and affectionate bonding are things I am into. Monogamy is my default setting: looking for like-minded unicorn. I play lap drums, art out a bit, photograph cloud creatures, and write poetic musings. Healer class.

I have not agreed with the belief that bad things need to happen to people in order for them to learn.

I have always been open to learning, and bad things happening have not enhanced my life in any way, shape, or form.

Therefore, the only conclusion I can make about my path having been full of bad things is that I must have been taking a short cut through the brambles to get here.

My intuition must have had a very good reason.

“She’s a Dime,” means “She’s ‘A Perfect Ten.'”

A compliment given to me once several lifetimes ago.

But unfortunately, another saying goes, “A dime a dozen.”

Survival fatigue.

I wanted my ex-husband to be happy.

I gave everything I could to help him overcome his/our difficulties, but he wasn’t.

Then in a dream last night, he called me on the phone to come over and meet his new, younger girlfriend (dream, not reality).

His elation and captivation with her emanated through the airways with such purity that his feelings were infectious.

I could feel my spirit expanding with love at the fact that my dearest wish was coming true – my once-beloved was at last experiencing supreme, unfettered joy and was sharing it with me.

But wait.

Record scratch.

It was technically at my expense.

He was discarding me.

Trading me.

In self defense, I began yelling.

I was then pulled into that situation and made to experience their perfect bond sensorily, so I began fighting back, emotionally.

And the corruption of that perfect moment for them caused her to go away and destroyed what they had briefly gained.

And now we were all left with nothing.

For he still did not want me.

And I was still hurt and angry.

Well then, “F*** It.”

Let them be happy.

My hair’s true color begins to come through again as with every shampoo the dye washes free by degrees.

I only use temporary because my many phases need freedom of their turns as a part of my reemerging.

“The number 1144 meaning combines stability, prosperity, love, freedom and the ability to trust yourself.”

https://www.mindbodygreen.com/articles/1144-angel-number#:~:text=But%20overall%2C%201144%20is%20a,and%20trust%20in%20the%20universe.

I get a day off at a woman’s retreat!

It is nice being in a community where I am appreciated.

Can be seen as foolish.

Taking time to apply a seat cover, and half of it falls into the toilet bowl.

(Deadpan – near literally, lol!)

She wanted to love
And to be loved.

(Title play with words)

He impressed her with his kind
Strength, intelligence, generosity.

Today I heard a man around my age speaking to his older female relative or friend as I passed by their waiting floor on the stairs.

His speech and accent, the kind and caring patience in his voice meant to soothe and reassure her, was elegant.

So I went back and asked him what lamguage he was speaking, and complimented him.

I have always been specific.

It is no big thing, actually.

Except where it counts.

I loved him.

He was an outlier like me.

I learned so much from him.

I am not sure if he learned what I was teaching.

Family dynamics never seemed safe, especially with those members that desired to claim authority.

Because I could suddenly be vivacious, engaging, and charming in business by phone, his family became certain that I was having an affair.

To free my mind so that
I may respond naturally,
And to playfully engage.

I have been told to not rely upon a man because he cannot guarantee his actions.

Then why am I designed to fulfill the role of carrying my half, if it has no match?

I thought it was related to exhaustion – this boggy down feeling that has taken over me.

However, I think it is the fact that our lives are returning to a sense of normalcy that I have not experienced since around 2005.

Now that I can look around a bit, I feel the loss of close companionship and extended family more keenly.

Feeling better again.

I remember how I was on that New Year’s eve when I took of picture of myself dressed up and smiling with my arms flung wide and hair fluttering.

I see myself again as such now.

I am the same…just more matured and wiser.

It is strange being my age as the years expand in time’s experience.

I feel that I have only just arrived, as maturity learns to exert resistance.

The difficulties are within my own mind as I analyze and interpret external data.

It was very difficult growing up in the era where I did, and it keeps being an adjustment at any temporal level.

Not fitting into predefined roles (except those that I create and claim for myself), it is more common to continue feeling like an outsider.

Why do I keep attempting to keep myself small, when it is the world that I would claim as I give my heart to it?

This grief upon losing contact with my blogging friend has hit my brain unexpectedly – causing foggy thinking, body shutdown, and anxietal overwhelm in daily functioning.

I had not realized to such extend how I had counted on his online presence as positively reinforcing my psychology.

Or maybe it is just the shock because I had hoped that we would always stay friends.

For once, she was One.

For once, she was her self.

My mind is my friend and works best when we can play together.

My youngest has promised to soon make me their baked goody specialties.

My text response: “‘Thankusomuuuch!’ Effuvious happy anticipatory drooling…”

She wasn’t going back to that dark place.

She would not make once offer to another.

He wasn’t the only one who could be absolute.

She had learned well by his example.

The nice thing about being a healer is that I can find good community individuals in need of and appreciative of my being able to help them improve their quality of living.

He had always been there, somewhere in the background. His absence cut a fresh swath in her soul.

I keep rehydrating, reactivating, and remobilizing zones until they are capable of restoring their components by rehabilitation.

My therapy has expanded to upper thigh into abdominal muscle reactivation!

When my leg muscles are too tight and I need to go from standing to sitting on the ground, it is a precarious teetering situation to do so because I cannot yet even rely on my shoulder to be sound and catch my weight in controlled falling down.

I checked out a dating app and immediately got hit up on by a twenty year old.

Of course, I exited.

On this day so many years ago, a man and a woman bonded with and fell in love with each other.

This anniversary every year was to represent their breaking free from a negative past and choosing a positive life together.

On this day, today, I can finally lay to rest that lost dream.

We figured out some of this complex
And realized we are best distanced.
Truth, for itself, can be satisfying.

No longer needing anyone in order to feel happy.

But, this state of being can still be at times very lonely.

I am not referring to a particular person in this last writing, “In A Land Of Injured Men.”

It is simply the curse, the spell I seem to be under, where I have been unable to find a man wanting to be awake and vital like me.

There are so many ways designed to work on a man until he gives up. They work on a woman as well, as they have worked on me.

But, I am still pushing back and trying.

I am alive and brightly burning.

The man I have wanted to love haa been hiding deep inside of himself – and I can’t reach him.

If and when I have stayed to try to share in relationship, I am interacting with defensive patterns.

This becomes a loveless situation, a dangerous for the hearts and mutual psychology propagation.

For if the man I love is not present in his awareness, he is just reliving and recreating his nightmares.

I am not seen for me, but am subconsciously tracked, accused, and guarded against.

I am manipulated and past wounds are misinterpreting my every move and word as transgrescence.

Wherever I have gone, wherever I have sought, this phenomenon is all around me.

I arrive – and the damage has already happened. It’s just a matter of at what stage the corruption is progressing.

I have been walking in a time-space continuum of zombies, watching their starving, lifeless corpse bodies writh and reach for me.

They can not discern truth anymore. They can not accept love to be healed and be set free from the injuries sustained before me.

Not from me, anyway.

Because I struggle to stay awake – and they see me as a threat and either fight with, avoid, or try to destroy me.

(Waking up from a dream that showed this to me.)

One day, the extreme flares of pain relinquished their hold on her, and returned to the realms of normal flux levels.

Seeing an adult buck with antler display in the middle of town on eve of the moon shifting to the full buck moon seems to be a very positive spiritual sign for me.

Create your own space where you can stand proud so that when friends and loved ones come to call, you can greet them with open arms.

If you do not like what you see, strive to be the you that you visualize and idealize.

Violence and intimidation are wrong and are no longer needed as a part of the human paradigm.

In those few precious moments, he was authentic with me.

That’s what has stuck with me.

I loved him for his brief vulnerability – and the strength it took for him to walk away.