Category: Stream of Thought

Helping out a peer today, I found that at the end of the session I felt extremely vulnerable.

I guess I hoped she would count me as a friend.

When there is insecurity in the household, a mother’s duty has been to put on hold the personal self care aspects that she needs.

But when her children are grown enough to care more for their selves, it becomes her obligation to reclaim that which defines her own identity.

Would an extrovert appreciate an introvert?

However, I am external in specific situations.

It isn’t that I need more classes, but that I need time to practice and develop my skills further.

If I leave this site as it is and switch over to just posting photos and videos in Instagram, how then would I externalize my thought expression?

It seems I am reaching the limit of my free storage space.

Ever on the horizon,
Blessed if overhead:

If it weren’t for your light,
My heart would be dead

But this time, I blared my horn ahead of time – even though that driver wasn’t paying attention either and still started drifting into me!

Are they tourists unfamiliar with the territory?

The places where these incidences were happening seems pretty simple navigating.

Am I rattled?

Definitely a bit miffed that I had the full weight of responsibility put upon me to make sure we avoided the accident.

What’s funny is I spoke to my eldest about how in driving I check three times before I commit, and this is how I avoid accidents.

The driver wasn’t as careful and luckily, I was aware enough to notice this.

BEEP-BEEP-BEEP-BEEP!

I blared my horn as I slammed on the brakes while controlling as I swerved my car to a stop into the right bike lane.

The driver of the merging vehicle from the grocery store parking lot had forgotten that I existed as I made sure that they narrowly missed me – instead of wrecking both of our vehicles.

Skid marks and my worn tires tell the tale, though the driver just kept going – possibly oblivious.

The labradorite stone that represented me and went missing for several months returned to my hands today.

Apparently, it had slipped from my pocket and then slid into the side of a chair’s cushion at a couple’s home whom I highly esteem.

Having glimpsed aspects of their relationship time and again, I have considered theirs a positive example of how I would like my future partnering with my own beloved to be.

I was elated to see it again and view its return as important symbolically.

My eldest soothed me yesterday by reminding me that in Elvin years, I would be an adolescent and that they are proud to have inherited some of my woodland grace.

It makes me so happy to be “seen” and loved by them, and for my children and I to be reunited!

I don’t like being past age fifty. Look at how outdated society is trying to pidgeonhole me?

“Yesterday” I was still deemed “viable:” someone to be counted on – reliable.

As long as I was in my fourties, I could still look for someone compatible with youth running in their veins and like will to tame the untameable.

Now, even in the dating apps I am relegated to finding men older than me, barred from finding the mirror image of my soul’s thrumming vitality!

She had wanted to hide her maturity for fear of being judged by it.

But now she was trying to redefine what her own truth meant to her.

The lines under my eyes are turning into exotic patterns, like Persian artistry proving my life’s accomplishments.

I have hidden my pain and dissappointment underneath a cheerful smile.

I save what little veneer I have left to lift others’s days for awhile.

I have never been injured as such, nor had to account for previously experienced injuries at such levels.

It is odd and discouraging to feel so much pain, pressure, and disorientation.

But I think the less that I resist the process, the easier and perhaps quicker shall be my recovering.

Yeah, tell this to my instincts, where fighting has been what ensured our survival!

It is temporary at best for a soul as mine which always quests.

I ought to not panic when I feel my abilities checked – but simplify so that I can squeeze through the eye attempting to exclude my entry.

The answer is not there anyway, but here: I must begin with all that I hold dear.

And focus on physical rehabilitation while gardening to get this year’s seedlings planted.

It took awhile for her to recognize her potential was real and worthy.

Developing in a suppressive atmosphere had reinforced others’ negativity.

The rules and laws of society are meant to help guide the majority – but should not harm individuality.

Violence is like a disease: contagious among cells within a community – and self-destroying.

As I reflect upon how I have rallied for true love and fought for it unreservedly, I realize that it burdens to keep yearnimg for a partner.

I went to a movie with a neighbor this evening.

Dashed home first with five minutes to spare to change my outfit and curl the bangs of my hair.

We had a lovely evening laughing to the reactions of the crowd at poignant moments in Star Wars: The Empre Strikes Back.

We enjoyed ostalgia from when it first came out back when we were teens; i ducked in and out to watch at different levels while waiting on the popcorn machine; and being up off to the right side in the balcony above it all was serene.

Every day, effort goes out or inward, resources come in and then go outward, and what I plan unfolds minute by minute as I walk into the unknown future.

Looking back now, I chide muself over thinking that I could bridge between two worlds to claim a husband that I could keep.

Pushing any resources that I had to get to Egypt and back to follow through with three years of two attempts to get a marriage visa approved during Trump years was an extreme hardship and pressure on me.

I just wonder now, “What was I thinking?”

I don’t regret that I tried.

I was brave, true, and valiant.

I just hate feeling deflated and humiliated that my efforts became wasted.

How can I be in more than one place at once? I must ground in this reality to build self trust.

She was untrained, uncentered, undisclipined, and uncooperative.

Add to this “on fire,” pissed off, belligerent, and more than mildly aggressive – and she was not in the best condition for him to want to be linked with her.

She didn’t understand what was happening between them nor why she felt such a strong compulsion to be next to him.

But, she realized her internal reactivity was not helping either of them – and that at the very least, she should not be allowing the churning emittance to affect and distract him.

So she turned to other healers, trying to assuage the turmoil inside and realized she was also suffering from that table’s chop-to-the-neck right occipital concussion two Christmas seasons ago when the chair slipped out from under her.

The poor girl was dealing with multiple physical traumas to neck and shoulders with resulted in complex pressures against her vagus nerve.

Yet, still, she sought the inner strength to take this jagged energy further into herself and create a neutral barrier to buffer between her and the man she held esteem for.

It takes a while to realize by degrees that we are in a better place now where life is interacted with more sensibly.

Where exactly is that break in psychology, that crimp in self confidence which brings on a sense of deep shame for brilliantly expressing the unique – rather than rewards the soul with righteousness?

Stepping up into the game, risking ire of social nonapproval, the maverick wins by overcoming rules and regulations to stand beside others as a proven and worthy champion.

The road to truth is a hard one, and I do not want to burst anyone’s bubble.

I do not understand this dominance inside of me – that which feels destined to claim rightful ascendance.

It wants to roughly push aside competition for a great love, written as destined.

The innocent and ignorant can get caught up in a wave – just like the obsessed and determined – as an affect of the resultant hive mind in any given larger population.

The complex of a heart-battered woman-child can dominate emotions beyond one body’s containment – beyond, even, psychic restrainment:

“You were meant for me!” she wails at the window between scenes.

“Why am I abandoned – when someone else undeserved and untried gets to have the greatest prize?” she cries on the curb of an open street.

“Why am I attached to you if we are not to be?!”

Sounds of a trapped soul’s sobbing struggles caught in forlorn ruminations dominate the airways of a couple’s once content tranquility.

I just called attempting to cancel and refund the money to prior agency, but Oxford said that they can hold my classes indefinitely.

Ok, then…

Well…

Let’s “put a pin in it” – shall we?

I can feel the crossroads pulling at me, tearing apart my seams.

I had this dream of learning TEFL to aid in my traveling.

But, it was also associated with my ex-fiance – and then could have transferred to my newly acknowledged longterm love interest’s situation.

I dislike closing myself off to knowledge.

Much like I dislike not finishing my bachelor’s degree.

But, if I do not choose wholeheartedly to open up to my creativity, it has no way to truly embrace my being.

I must choose.

I must leap.

Even if the ones I wish to impress turn away from me.

What I have inside that I can offer may manifest exponentially.

I am an out-of-the-box thinker/dreamer, yet I usually have some direction.

Lately, days come and go and I feel like I cannot see beyond the next corner until I turn it.

This is startling to me because what I find as I turn seems often to be what I ought to have expected.

Maybe my mind is recalibrating.

Maybe I am dealing with accrued costs that for years of just surviving, I had deflected.

I feel like there are blinders over my eyes while my instincts keep pushing to follow that scent of farther off sweet grasses.

However, maybe I need the blinders on for now. The hood over a hawk’s head keeps it from flying away – especially when it is injured and needs to heal.

My heart pounds for the racing as that of a thoroughbred; my lungs ache for the rush of a high-diving soar.

But, perhaps I am supposed to wait and let the tide return to carry me – so I no longer paddle myself to near death in order to reach another far off shore.

Maybe it is due to the most recent unresolved infection, but this week, my impetus is lagging. I just do not care enough to tackle more project responsibility.

Last week was hardcore pushing the boulder up the mountain for rent with little flex elsewhere to apply money toward needs. This week with low client scheduling, the effect is similar now that rent has emptied the bank.

I am following through on attending healthcare appointments and showing up where I need to. I think that doing work laundry at home late into evenings has eaten the rest buffer I was trying to adhere to.

I had tried to get a linen service to lighten the burden, but they are delaying set up of my account due to lack of drivers. And my efficient method of once-a-week at the laundromat got  nixed because we needed food vs. this expenditure.

So, I am cutting back more and more on external energy outputs. I have even cut back work hours in an attempt to bring in smooth workflow that is manageable and predictable.

I have not finished my taxes, though I did file an extension. I tried calling to cancel my Oxford TEFL training, but when I did, their number had been conscripted by some other advertising agency.

I want to just dive into my script and creativity – and shove everything else that is paper oriented right off of the table.

Why do I stay attached to past attempts at advancement if I am no longer willing nor able?

Is it due to fear because Covid interrupted our freedom of movement?

I find that my psychology is currently inflexible and my wings are feeling feeble.

Love has inspired much of what I have accomplished in life, yet my attachments were pattern-linked to far off horizons where my intended has not been available.

Having realized end of 2020 that I have always loved yet another from a distance – and then having the force of that plug into my system – I have been struggling to cut love off like an arm.

But I need the limb, so my heart has deflated.

And I find my id kick-paddling on an innertube in a circle around a pond without motivation.

It just seems so unappealing.

Going out to meet strangers I would know nothing about.

I save that kind of external energy output for clients.

What I need is nourishment and healing.

Dating is not set up to provide soothing.

I would rather spend time with my family.

Every minute I have is precious.

Even if I am sleeping.

I wonder what having star patterns on the skin means. Perhaps they are marks of destiny.

There is the hope that this time, maybe trauma will purge from my system and leave me in peace. At least, this is what other healers are encouraging is happening.

Worth more than offhand treatment.

A friend suggested today that experiencing deep betrayal does not need to be attached to my self worth.

I quipped, “Tell that to the woman who finds herself sold on the slave block!”

For that is how it felt when my ex left me and I watched all that I had created crumble to dust.

(Although I shall reflect upon the wisdom of this essentially-needed differentiation.)

If you don’t bring the banana, you will want the banana.

But,

If you bring it, you won’t eat it – and it will smell up the car.

How many people have gotten drawn into the world of loving you? Yet, not many have been worthy…

I wanted to take the dogs with me today, but then this would open chaos when I need to stay focused and make it on time to appointments.

Plus, I would need to seek parking in the shade and having “the children” with me is like managing a parade while keeping them fed and watered.

I must remind myself that they are fine, though, with the stay-at-home routines, and not bringing them lightens my load for everything.

I am still realizing how grueling it had been for me that for the last year and a half I had to always control their behaviors to keep housing.

It takes a while for a man to mature – but then again, this is similar for a woman.

My body tells me it is days, weeks, and years past my bed time. Someday, maybe, rejuvenation will catch up with me.

I feel like my days just roll into each other, one after another, without stop or rest as I am put to the test.

It is like training one’s psychology to accept something new and learning to flex so one can overcome past associative hurdles, as well as be able to expand into new frontiers.

But, how does one receive reassurance that new trust is reliable before and while time’s experience proves it is viable?

There needs to be inclusive communication.